I had a dream a week or so ago where God told me to read Peter and then Revelation. I read 1st and 2nd Peter already and I'm reading Revelation. I was reading the letters to the 7 churches tonight, and I was convicted about taking food out of the refrigerator. Stealing is wrong, so this semester I'm not gonna do that anymore. On a possibly unrelated note, I'm not gonna get Brink. I had this epiphany when it was at ~20%, so in order to be true to myself and to God, I had to stop it and deleted the stuff from it. That means that I won't be getting the new Coldplay album or the Triplets of Belleville.

...

Oh wait....

Dan and Steph got me an iTunes gift card!! :D I will use that to get Coldplay and the Triplets of Belleville. :D

Man... does God provide or what?!

:D

Dan and Steph and Gwen and Lainey and Jess all left today. My birthday was awesome yesterday :D they all made it super special^^. Chowon has talked to me more lately, which makes me very happy^^. She's just the best.

So this week has been awesome! I almost don't have enough energy to stay up until midnight tonight. I set an alarm for midnight just in case.

"Zac, I'm eating Simba!!!!!"

Tomorrow is my 21st B-day X) And you know what THAT means...... It means I get to not have any fun because nobody at LeTU ever read the part of the Bible where it says Jesus drank wine. (jk. My family seems to have something fun and ambiguous planned for it)

Working on getting the PC game RAGE. It looks kinda good. After that, on the agenda is Bullet Storm, Brink, and Red Dead Redemption.

Chowon's package hasn't arrived yet. I'm eager to get it^^

Many of the foreigners who went to HGU with me seem to be making trips back. I wish I had more money... I owe God 16$. I can't seem to find an outlet for that. I don't trust most "new" churches I attend to put my money where it belongs, and I'm not regular anywhere. I should really fix that.

Dad's a big proponent of Utah jobs. He makes some convincing points.

How often do school refund checks come in?


Oh yeah! Skiing! We went skiing yesterday from 9am to 9pm. I'm sore all over my body, but it was a blast. All the double blacks were closed at Sundance, so Dan and I could only do single blacks, blues, and greens. Probably for the better; it was pretty icy and the snow cover was super thin. We took the blacks much faster this year than last year, and I only wiped out twice haha -- but I'd say that's pretty good for a whole day. My skis were much better quality this year, too. They didn't pop off when I was rough on them. Steph didn't have the patience to fall down until she got better. She said she just wasn't interested enough in skiing to work hard at it, even though Dan offered to stay on the easy slopes with her. She didn't have any fun. It's cool, though. I guess it's not for everyone.

Didn't get many pictures this year, but I got a few. I'll include them in my next mass Facebook pic upload.

"You can talk to the horsey?"

Christmas is almost over! It'll probably be finished before I finish this blog.

This year I got everything I could ask for^^ I even got an FE review manual!! ~which is totally ballin. I'll be powerin through that in some of my spare time for sure.

Oh! Chowon just texted me to get on Skype! Be back soon :D

...

Re. She Skyped with me earlier today^^ and she looked beautiful. Sometimes I wonder if our conversations are better when we can't see each other.

I don't think I've ever put this much effort into being attentive to signs of a girl's mood or thoughts. Is it because I'm especially attached to Chowon? It struck me the other day that it might be because of the meeting I had with Lani at the end of last summer. She told me that when she broke up with me (not the time she had another boyfriend. It's complicated.) it was because it didn't seem like I was putting out much effort toward the relationship. I sure hope Chowon never feels like I don't care about her. ... I'm gonna try to find another gift idea....

Interesting to me that Lani hasn't crossed my mind since that meeting.. except when I think about the way Chowon tried to compare herself to her after our talk about previous bfs and gfs. She said that based on some fb pics she thought Lani was more pretty. I wasn't even about to go down that road, and I'm still not. Physical beauty fades, but as long as I'm with Chowon she needn't compare herself with anyone else.

but anyway.. about Christmas.

Gwen was super cute today!!!!! And so was Lainey!!!!!!!! Mom borrowed two hamsters for them to play with, and Gwen absolutely loved them. Lainey is such a happy baby. She would sit there smiling quietly, and then whenever anyone came to give her attention, or whenever we had her sitting on our laps during other activities, she'd smile real big and make a loud happy noise just because she was a part of the group^^

I wish I were living near Dan and Steph so I could have access to those kids all the time. Gwen is learning so fast! I can't wait to meet the young lady she becomes!

Well, I should really get to sleep.

"It doesn't have very many fans."

Today my brother and sister have arrived. I've downloaded ~ 60 gigs of fun for this coming semester. Still more to come.

Tomorrow is Christmas eve... Being near the fireplace makes me wish I had Chowon sitting next to me.

I was way more hyped by Gwen's appearance than I thought I'd be. Mom and I kneeled down to talk to her, and Mom asked her for a hug a couple times but she was too shy. Then I asked for a hug and she gave me one. I felt kinda bad, so I let mom play with her solo for a little while and build that relationship. It made me super happy to know that Gwen feels close to me, though. Gwen's affection is easily one of my favorite things, and the thought that I'm doing well as an uncle is completely heart-warming.

On the way back from the airport with Jessica, we went through a drive-through at some Mexican restaurant. Mom did a rolling stop at the menu board, saying "they aren't answering, I wonder if they're open..." and then pulled up to the check out window and waited there for someone to come up. A man came to the window and asked "Can I help you?" and she said "Are you open?" he said "Yeah" and my mom was like "Well, can you just give us some burritos or something?" The whole time, my sister and I were trying to tell my mom she was doing it wrong and to go back, and immediately above the car by the checkout window was a huge sign saying "Open 24 hours!". Jess and I were practically yelling "Don't you know how to use a drive-through?!" and mom said "Well, I've never been to a Mexican drive through before!". So the guy at the window says "Why don't you have a look at the menu?" and so amid my sister and I calling out at her, she pulled around again and did it right.

It's been a rough day for mom. This morning she was pretty much freaking out trying to prepare the house for Dan+fam and Jess. She deserves a good night sleep, but I have a feeling she won't get it. In effort to give Dan and Steph a break she's put both Gwen and Lainey in cribs in her own room with dad... I'll try to make things easy for her the next few days.

...

Mom just pulled out a huge valentines care-package she made without me knowing and then forgot to mail to Hyewon forever ago. I'm so so glad she didn't mail that... Whew.. She has a way of causing trouble between me and girls without trying. I can't imagine the trouble that would have caused me.

"It was from me."

This week I feel like I've been stuck in one of three moods: Boredom, anticipation, grouchiness.

Boredom because there's nothing to do; I don't have a key to the house so I can't leave because I can't lock the door behind me; I don't have a car; none of the computers around here are good for video games; there aren't any broken electronics around here for me to fix (Already fixed Dad's computer, and even if there were mom would have a fit about the mess I'd make fixing it). I don't even have material to study. I need a curriculum!! Where are my classes?!?!?!

Anticipation because soon Dan and Steph and Jess will get here and then stuff will start happening; and I will see Chowon soon!!

Grouchiness because I'm bored; I'm worried about Chowon; Protect IP; I'm stuck in this house; and whenever I find something to do mom finds a chore to interrupt it. Next year I'm gonna schedule my flights around Dan and Jess. They are all flying in on the same day, which is an awesome idea.

Now don't get me wrong, I love my mom... but she and I don't communicate well at all... and sometimes she does stuff and I can't tell if she's serious or if she's just trying to annoy me. Like for example, she points out every instance of anything Asian anywhere always. "Look Zac, there's an Asian girl, just like Chowon!" "Oh I see, mom! Asian girls exist in the U.S., too!"; "Look Zac! an Asian restaurant! Did they have that in Korea?" "Yes, mom. They had Asian restaurants all over Korea. No they didn't have that one. It says Chinese anyway."; Oh, and the worst one: "Look Zac, there's Asians in this movie!" "Mom, those people are Hispanic."

Starting tomorrow, I'm gonna get back into Korean language lessons, run laps around the living room, and bump piano practice to 2 hours per day. That should keep me busy.

...

... oh dang... Dan and Steph get here tomorrow... oh well. That doesn't mean I can't get back into Korean lessons.

Nevermind.

Kinda nerved out with texting Chowon good morning and good night. She texted me telling me that she was going to sleep, which was kinda sweet. Everything she's been doing lately seem so perfect... and this week I have 19 hits from Korea, and I have 19 mobile browser hits, so I really wonder if she reads this. I think that gust of wind is past now, and I'll give it another shot. I don't think I'll do "Good Night"s though. I can't know if she's going to bed or not.

Kinda embarrassed by how long these blogs are getting....... They might get shorter tomorrow night when Dan and Steph and Lainey and Gwen and Jess are here....

"As my stand-in"

I worry sometimes that I express myself in such a way as to convey more emotion than exists within me, or that I experience more emotion than I aught to convey... or something like that. Idk.

This morning Chowon texted me saying just "hey..." and I was asleep at the time so I didn't get it. The alarm I set to wake me up early didn't wake me today, and so I forgot to reset it and completely forgot to send a good morning or good night. Maybe for the better. Anyway, she sent that text message and I didn't respond until later, and I was a little worried 'cause she said she's sick and all. I waited pretty much all day. She hadn't responded. I checked my email and she had sent me one saying that she will be even more busy these next few days. I responded saying I can't tell her what to do, but I want her to be healthy. I said her health is more important than her performance on this project, and maybe a 2 or 3 hour nap each night wouldn't hurt the project anyway. I hope it didn't come across like I was putting down her efforts. She works so hard and achieves good results. I'm really proud of her and I want her to succeed, but even more than that I want her to be healthy and happy. If she does not have sleep, then how can her emotions be well thought-out? I would never reject her based on her state (with regard to rest). But as I get to know her more, I want to see and learn about her when she can think clearly -- as opposed to when she hasn't slept in 3 days and has a cold because of it.

Later in the day I was kinda worried and she hadn't texted back, so I texted her saying "Is everything alright?" and she responded "I'm ok! don't worry".
... Man, Idk. I feel like such a wimp worrying about little things like this. I'm still worried about her health, but right now I just hope I didn't annoy her.

Today I met some of my mom's friends. They were really cool people. Almost talked me into getting WoW. ... Can you believe Skyrim is on TPB already???? I shouldn't be surprised. I don't think I'll be getting it for another year or two, though. A) I generally don't like things with lots of hype. B) It having so much hype, chances of getting caught are probably pretty nasty. I'd rather wait and either buy it when it's cheap or take my chances when the hype is gone... I can probably find it on sneakernet anyway.

"A caught thief is always an amateur."

Got to play some LoL today with friends from LeTU^^ It was good to talk a little with them. Still don't have enough IP for a new champ, and my ping is so high that it's almost not worth trying... but I'd say I didn't do all that bad. I was something like 2.8.20 with Yorick or something like that.... We lost the game, but that was mostly because Tyler Antcliff quit.

Also, this morning, I got to wake up to Chowon's voice^^ She woke me with a text and then we got to Skype for 10 mins. It was just great. I did the "good morning" thing for the first time today and she responded a few hours later thanking me. I wasn't sure if I aught to respond, because I didn't want her to feel obligated to keep up a convo since she's so busy. Maybe if she thanks me again next time I will.

Watched "I Love You Phillip Morris" with mom today..... NOT what we were expecting at all. From the cover, we were pretty sure it'd be a funny Jim Carry movie.... but it was a gay romantic comedy. [er.. umm... insert disclaimer of political correctness here]. But yeah, definitely gay. They didn't "show" anything... so I finished the movie... albeit I did >> through a few of their interactions... The humor was witty and fun, though. If you're a little homophobic like me, then I don't recommend it... but if you're not, then it's a good movie.


Also saw a commercial for "The Human Centipede". Seemed traditional enough of a horror flick. Skimmed the plot on Wikipedia to see how it ended.

I am officially appalled.

(Guilty secret: I don't like grotesque horror movies, like "The Hills Have Eyes", so I skim their plots so that I'll know what people are talking about and won't wonder if the good guy lives).

Sooooo yeah. I don't think I've been that disgusted since watching 2 girls 1 cup -- and I didn't even watch the movie this time. Definitely not watching it ever. I hope Tom Six gets kicked in the sack.

"Maybe next time."

Had a dream last night that I was working at a company which signed people's souls into heaven like it was some "dead-person hotel". Every now and then someone would break some rule or something ambiguous that wasn't really well thought through in my dream and we'd have to leave our posts and go down to where living people are and kill them. In my dream, someone broke a rule right before I got a text message. I woke up for the text message, but I could feel myself in the dream. I wanted to go back to sleep, but someone in my dream said "We have to go down anyway. You might as well answer the text message and get paid for it."
So I woke up and went to answer the message... and then I realized, I'm not getting paid for this. It's a dream. And now I'm too awake to get back to sleep kk. But it was ok^^ It was a text from my girlfriend.

"no punctuation no capitalization"

Today I went Christmas shopping for my family. Also, Chowon texted me for the first time in a few days. I miss her especially a lot these past few days. We had planned to see each other every day this week, but we haven't had much conversation at all.

After a lot of thought on the semi-one-sidedness of our conversations lately.... (I've written and rewritten this post) I decided that it's totally ok. She is working hard. I remember how stressful it was to go to Korea for the first time, and I believe that she is under as much or more stress given the nature of her circumstances. On top of that, she's working hard to what end? To come and see me for ten days^^. Furthermore due to the strong contrast between the last week of school and my time here (tons of work vs nothing to do all week) I'm sitting here with nothing to do but brood so my instincts are not reliable.

So, what I decided to do is: {Oh, btw, Dylan Apple texted me yesterday and broke the loneliness. Thanks Dylan. I didn't have to go piano hunting at the mall.} ... Oh. Ok. So what I decided to do, or more, what I decided not to do... I'm not gonna stop texting her. My impulse is to think "It's her turn to text me." But on the other hand... I'm the man, right? It's my job to pursue. One or two texts per day is not weird since it's to my girlfriend (sans response: alittle). And since she isn't available lately I won't ask her questions in them, because I don't want to put more pressure on her to remember if she's in a meeting and can't answer. I'm gonna text her "Good morning"s and "Good night"s each day. Maybe they'll keep her cheery^^.

Tonight it's 2AM in Utah and 6PM in Korea. Not really time for me to say good night to her, and I'm gonna have to wake at 7AM to send her good nights on time. So I'm gonna start going to bed earlier and waking earlier. Starting tomorrow night... Good mornings at 9AM in Korea, 5PM in Utah..

Hopefully this resolution means I'll be blogging on some other topics, too, from now on.

"God, where should I start?"

Enjoying the free time at Mom and Dad's, but really there's nothing to do at home. Mom and dad work for most of the day still, and I'm not quite used to the Utah weather to just go walking around, and I don't have the money to go shopping right now, because I want to have some left over when Chowon comes to Texas.

So... I've been sitting and thinking most of these days. I try not to think too much about last semester, because it makes me confront difficult questions... like What the heck am I gonna do about AO? I can't handle the way [some of them at least] get worked up over trivial things -- almost to the point where it seems they've integrated that vapidity into their self-image. ... and What's gonna happen with my roommate situation next semester? Damien wants to room with me and that's cool if Freddy doesn't... but I do kinda like rooming with Freddy and Damien is weird about Chowon... and Will Dr. Anderson or Armstrong or whoevertheheck finally respond to any of my emails?!?!?!?! Two professors have given me permission to enter their classes even though they are full, and they told me that he had the power to let me in given their consent, however, he will not respond to my emails.

*frustrated*

...

*sigh*

...

The imminent arrival of Dan and Steph and Gwen and Lainey and Jess doesn't hold my attention for very long. I'm excited about it, but I know it's gonna happen and I know that it's gonna be fun and the only thing on my mind about it is that I have yet to wait.

The Bible only stays on my mind for as long as I'm thinking about it. I wonder if there's a way for me to combat that...


Anyway the point is the past few days I've been stuck inside thinking all day. Chowon hasn't been responding to my texts, but she says she wants to talk to me and to see me.... I wonder what she is thinking about... I wish I could hear her voice over the phone...lol the sound of her breathing always changes to give away her mood. Sometimes, though, I wonder if she tells me what's really going on when she's unhappy.

I wish I had more to talk about with my friends from LeTU. Most of those friendships seem kindof shallow... I wonder if anyone there feels emotionally connected to me, like as if I am more than just an acquaintance. I wonder if that shallowness is something I've designed. Like... I mean... when I go out to the lobby to talk to people I usually just say a few words and then leave... There's always so many people there and I get nervous... and when there's just a few people there they are a couple and make me feel awkward or they are busy studying and I don't want to interrupt. Damien really is cool, but it's almost like he's trying hard to generate a close friendship with me and it freaks me out... I mean.... we've known each other long enough to be close I guess, and I like being around him when he's not forgetting how to take a joke... I think I want some more closeness with people at LeTU, but I just can't grasp it... Like I'm living commensalistically, and there's some one-sided barrier where I receive friendship and then remain neutral... I'll conduct some social experiments upon returning and see if I can deduce anything about my ability to perform social mutualistic symbiosis. o.o

"I think what made you think that was...."


ETA: You know what... come to think of it... I don't remember wishing more closeness when I was at LeTU; at least not much like now. I've decided that this emotion (a state of insecurity about my social adeptness due to prolonged lack of contact with friends) shall be called loneliness. I'm lonely. Send me a text message.

Solution sans friends who text me: Tomorrow I will go talk to local store clerks and see if I can find a public piano to play on. With any luck, this may establish my presence with the locals as a potential acquaintance existing in Utah.

My face wasn't quite as swollen as I expected when time came to Skype with Chowon. Now getting ready for church. Mom and dad swear by this church, so I'm quite interested to see if the pastor is really all that.

Finished downloading Ghost in the Shell and Space Ghost C2C (box set 2??) and most of Inuyasha. After those are finished I'm gonna get all 9000 seasons of Dragon Ball Z (just the normal series, none of this GT whatever). While that's going, next on my list is: Perfect Blue, Ninja Scroll, Totoro, Karas: The Prophecy, and Sword of the Stranger.

I figure that'll give me plenty to do next semester in between classes. I might get Lost, too, now that I think about it....

Oh well, time to get going.

Probably won't be able to blog tonight. Just wasting time now before I go to the dentist.

Last night I talked to Chowon and she said she wanted to Skype tomorrow evening (usa time). I told her I wasn't so sure because my face would be super swollen. This morning, though I thought some more about it and the question came to me: can I overcome my pride to see her? Isn't that the root of the issue after all? Pride. We haven't seen each other in so long... a few moments seeing her will be well worth the embarrassment, and it isn't like my mom and dad won't be making fun of me the whole time my face is swollen anyway. They've started already.

I had a dream that Chowon's flight back to Korea was canceled due to another plane crashing nearby. When she came back through Security I could tell she was a bit scared so I ran over to give her a hug, but she had become very tall. I had to stand on a chair to hug her, but I did and after a moment she came back down to normal size./*haha seems like all my dreams about her have just been excuses to give her a hug*/

She's almost all I've been thinking about lately. I mean, of course I do all my daily stuff, and I've been studying the Bible better lately, but every time I have a moment my thoughts turn to her. I wonder... Its something many of us want, but it's hard to attain: that we would be that way about God. The thing is, though, even with people this infatuation won't last forever. Did I ever have it for God? Maybe with some self-examination I can reproduce the feeling.. I think it has to do with how there's a lot that I want to know about Chowon and about the way things will be. With God, there's lots I want to know too, but I've come to terms with the fact that he'll let me know when he feels like it and not a moment sooner. With Chowon, for example, I will know how our first meeting will play out as soon as we have it, and it looks like that will be in January. So until then I just have to be anxious. Is it normal to think about her that often?

"You don't know how many times I wanted to call you"

Tomorrow I get my wisdom teeth out, and this dentist wants to swap out a few of my fillings for some of a different material or something. Insurance pretty much covers it, so we're going for it. It's going to be an unpleasant experience.

Went to a couple parties with my mom's work friends today. They all seem like really nice people, and I think I did ok responding to them. Usually in positions like that I blank out because of all the people, but this time they just weren't talking about anything I cared about.

Jess and Dan and Steph and Gwen and Lainey are coming soon. I think that this apartment is big enough for all of us.

Using Ubuntu pretty exclusively lately. I'm thinking about removing windows from my Laptop altogether. Windows has a way of getting slower as time goes on, whether you install new software or not. My laptop just isn't cutting it. I think I'll try Skyping with Chowon in Linux once just to make sure it works, and then I'll begin the process of backing up my crap and removing Windows. The only thing I really used Windows exclusively for on this was Games, and since Windows is so slow now, That's been reduced just to pre-2004 games -- most of which I can use Dosbox or Wine for. Especially the ones that don't need a mouse, (like not Starcraft,) because playing mouse games on a netbook with no mouse sucks anyway. But now I have IDE's for both Java and C++ as well as 2D (supporting quadratic) and 3D graphing software on Ubuntu so I can even bring this to class and it will be useful. Next step: find something to deal with Matrices for me for Linear next semester. Maybe I can write something in Excel to do that....

Sometimes I wonder if I contact Chowon too much. I text her something like... 7/10 days... Idk, though. She's got a lot on her plate, and she's doing a lot of work just to come and see me. I want to make sure she doesn't forget that I appreciate it and that I'm thankful for her. Sometimes she makes it sound like she studies 14+ hours per day solid for days or weeks at a time. I know it's hard for her, and It makes me really really want to be there for her. I don't know what I'd do if I were there... Maybe just make her some tea and then get out of her way while she did work, or maybe make sure she took a break now and then so she didn't go crazy, or give her a shoulder massage to keep her relaxed, or go over flash cards, or maybe check some of her English work. I doubt I could grasp all of what she knows enough to be useful to her.

Hmm....It's about time for me to get to bed.

"Loves raisin cakes"

Day two back at home. Accidentally removed panels and all window manipulation from ubuntu on my laptop. Spent an exaggerated portion of the day fixing that. Finished fixing my parents computers -- should be faster than ever now.

Went to a live showing of Scrooge last night. It was really fun^^ Mom says one of the actors might be coming over for Christmas. After the show I got a call from Chowon^^ As always, it was good. She did well on the exam that she was worried about^^ I'm real proud of her.

I had a dream last night that she came to my school, and that for some reason Hyewon showed up while she was there. Hyewon was confused and angry with me over something, and despite my best efforts I couldn't reconcile with her. I guess I can't be on good terms with everyone at once. Half-way through the dream I realized that while I was trying to resolve the situation with Hyewon I was not with Chowon, and our precious time was ticking away. Chowon, perceiving my distractedness as disinterest, asked me what I thought about breaking up. In my dream, I hugged her tightly and apologized genuinely, and we didn't break up. The rest of the dream was a pleasant conversation between the two of us about nothing. I guess it's my nervousness manifesting itself to me. I'm happy for the reassurance at the end of the dream. Although I am nervous, I am confident in Chowon's ability to work with me at reaching mutual understandings.

Damien said he wants to room with me this semester. He's hinted at it many times before, but I have purposefully ignored the hints. I wouldn't necessarily have a problem with rooming with him, but I really like my current roommate, and as long as things are working out I'm a little afraid to change it.

"I am not a study machine."

Back at my parents' house. I seemed to have forgotten how cold they keep it here. They've installed all manner of sneaky software on their computers, and I'm cleaning it up as I write this.

Here's the issue they're having with the desktop I'm working on now: "It runs very well, and then the fan speeds up and makes a loud noise, and then it runs slowly until we restart it."
My instincts tell me that it's overheating and then running at half ("capacity??" half speed) or something like that as a self-defense thing. I reproduced the issue while keeping the performance monitor open. As it turns out, the processor usage was jumping to 100% about every 3 seconds. I switched to processes and found the thing that was causing it. Then I turned off the computer for a while, turned it back on, and killed the process that was using all the cpu. It was called "toolbar updater" or something like that. The issue has not occurred since, and I'm still waiting. If it doesn't happen, I'll figure out whatever that program is and get rid of it.

I'm all proud of myself. X) This was a pretty easy fix.

I sat next to this girl on the plane to here. She had a really winning smile and made fascinating conversation. In a nice way it really made me glad that I have Chowon, because I didn't have to wonder if I could ever be in a relationship with someone beautiful and fascinating.

LeTU spams my inbox with end-of-course evaluations, and if that isn't enough they spam me with confirmations when I finally finish the surveys.

"Welcome back!"

Finals are finished... Packing is basically finished...

Chowon says she won't be able to talk to me for a week due to finals which she has every day. She seemed pretty distracted by it when we talked. I wonder what thoughts are going through her head when she makes that look.... Maybe I will learn it, too.

I have a box of chocolates which my roommate has charged me with finishing. I don't think I can do it. I've eaten too much already and it's gonna make me break out.

....I don't want to leave this place right now. While tomorrow hasn't come, I have still seen Chowon recently... Going home means changing my schedule. I was only just getting into the full swing of my studies. I was only just recapturing this semester... Going home means the next stage in waiting to see Chowon.. I'm so nervous about it, and I don't want to wait any longer. Why do I have to change focus so often?

Next semester... I honestly don't see myself spending much time at the fraternity. What little free time I have, I have preferred to spend it as alone as possible these days. I'm ok spending time alone with my roommate and my girlfriend, but although I am close with many people I feel like talking to everyone else is work. I haven't decided where to draw the line with Damien yet. I like him, but in a pavlovian sense being around him makes me want to be alone.. and the way he interacts with Chowon makes me uncomfortable. Not uncomfortable enough to confront him yet, but close. I have sensed potential for severe cultural misunderstandings in some of his expressed plans for conversation with her -- and given that he doesn't know her at all, I don't think I like that he's planning conversations with her or that he feels the need to pop in every time I talk to her... hmmm... if he approaches the border between friendly and weird again I may have to ask him to be more "hands-off".

"Doesn't it sound sad?"

Finals week!!!!
Lots to do, lots to think about. I found a place for Chowon to stay. She'll be on campus for 5 days (10$ tot.) and then she'll be at a friend's house for 5 days (free).

Thinking about skipping the final for Circuits. I already missed the Monday one, but the other one is tomorrow. Other than that, I only have one final left, and it's for Data Structures. When finals are over, I hope to have my project in Data Structures done. Idk, though. It might still be buggy at that time.

I'll continue working on it now.

"If we're alone, then we're very alone."

Finished more than half of my to-do list today, which is great. I think this is the start of "having more motivation." Tomorrow will be the true test of my motivation, as I have planned a few meetings and also have planned to work on Data Structs -- the one project I've been dreading. Actually... I've been dreading the circuits work I aught to be doing even more. Completely exhausted and a bit depressed just thinking about it.

Also I need to do some class registration stuff....

Wrote my resume today for IT. I should turn that in ASAP. I am not entirely confident in my resume writing skills. I sent it to my RD for review before I send it to IT.

Got the present for Chowon in the mail today and mailed it off to her promptly. For lack of money I didn't get tracking or insurance. I will have to trust God that it gets to her.

I have some money put away and I really need to get rid of it or I'll be tempted to spend it. ....... I know what I'll do.

Sometimes my thoughts wander and I begin to doubt the bond between Chowon and I. I think it's a common thing to do, but especially in a long-distance relationship. Then I talk to her again and I am reminded again that our feelings are mutual. Chowon and I have to schedule our appointments very carefully because of our busyness. It's kindof like that with God. Sometimes I doubt my relationship with God, but then he communicates with me and I am reminded of his love. I also believe that God likes schedules. Like, if we go to a fixed quiet place every week or so and show commitment to reserve that time for God regularly, even if God doesn't show up the first few times, he'll see your commitment and begin to show up and meet with you. The hard part is just making those meetings fixed to begin with. It works -- call me crazy, but I know from experience, and I'm convinced that anyone else will experience God in a similar way if he shows God that he/she wants it by demonstrating this kind of commitment.


I wish everyone would go to sleep on time.

"hmm maybe rabbit? :)"

Ahhh.... jobless.... ^^* Hopefully I'll be back to work soon, though. Looking at some other opportunities. IT (jokingly?) offered me a job, but I'm gonna try to hold them to it.

Chowon and I got to talk for the first time in a while today. Talked a bit today about what kinds of failure are acceptable. She sang this really cute song when we were running out of things to say lol. I guess it's not that we're running out of things to talk about, but almost like the awkward silence is a natural consequence of being enamored with one another. When I see her face, even just through Skype, I think I could sit and stare at her and be content... Too bad it doesn't work like that.

Today I answered some emails. I'm truly dreading getting back to school. I just want this semester to be over. I want to spend time with my family. I want to sleep all day. I want to see Chowon in person. I want to play with Gwen and Lainey. I want to finally have time to talk to Gavin. I want to drink hot chocolate on my parent's couch.

Thanksgiving was cool. Hung out with Jess and Dad and Mom. Got to have some good conversations with Dad. Got to make fun of Jess. Got to hear more of Mom's ideas. All fun^^

This year, I'm thankful for emotional vulnerability. That is... I'm thankful that people can effect each other's emotions for better or worse by acting towards one another (directly/indirectly). I'm glad that I can make people laugh sometimes, and I'm glad that seeing people laugh makes me happy.

"Actually, I'm all out of sandwich material."

Meeting with IT today was ok. Skipped morning classes to turn in some projects for Data Structs. Did well in physical endurance test for Fatness. Flooded (not adrenaline) and skipped EDM.

That pretty much sums up today.

Oh, I tried jazz today on piano. I was able to maintain a "snazzy" rhythm for a minute or two on just one hand. Someday it will be an hour or two with both hands and a foot. I intend to spend a few minutes experimenting with that during each of my practices from now on.

My roommate has been staying out late. Right now it's almost 2AM and he's out with friends. Usually, when he returns he complains about how it's crunch time and demands that the light stay on for an extra hour while he does his work (for some reason he refuses to use a lamp). Oh well. He's a good roommate overall. I'll give him a 7 or 8. Very agreeable person as a whole.

"Try what you've discovered."

This semester: AO has given me tons of stress; School has given me tons of stress; and my job has given me tons of stress.

Somehow 6 weeks of hazing is meant to cause a person to be more loyal. AO sent me a text the other day saying "you need to [chore] because [accusation]". Accusation true or false, pledging is over and I don't take orders from him anymore; so I'll paint the stinkin' tables when I feel like it.

I found out that I might be able to pull a good grade in Circuits if I can "go overboard" studying for the final. It's so hard to find motivation for that class because I feel like I've already failed it, and something about failure is the worst thing I've ever felt.

This semester my boss has called me in about once every other week to hint to me that he's thinking about firing me. He's accused me of everything from talking to myself to wearing unfashionable pants... Really. The handbook for that job is out of date and falling apart. The computer program for DSRs is out of date -- I could at least update the building checklist given 20 mins with the source code. Not to mention the ridiculous email convo with my boss earlier, where he told me 30 days out isn't enough to ask for leave; and that I had to change nonrefundable tickets -- a price about equal to what I make in a semester at UPD. Thursday they tried to pass me a 4AM shift on 12 hours notice. And today the police officer on duty -- who, I understand, complained to chief about me skateboarding in the 6x5 cubicle that is our building (an impossible feat) -- watched youtube videos for the last 4 hours of his shift while I was on duty. His DSRs since OCT 16 all just say "conducted daily activities". He has no right to complain about the way I do my job, much less if he can't think of anything legitimate to complain about.

The point is that they have bigger fish to fry.


I've made the decision that I am not tolerating any more stress handed to me by AO or UPD.

"Soundtrack to a Chance Meeting"

The concert was great!!!!!! Kinda wished Chowon was there.

My sister, Jess, and I got in kinda quickly so we had great spots, except that I was surrounded by 4 couples. The first couple was awesome and made the concert a lot of fun by talking with us and singing along and stuff; the second couple was bearable, the next was making out, and the last was an older couple who were both baked out of their minds...

The fourth; the older couple kept doing things which annoyed the people around them, like the man would lean on everyone in a circle and hope to be pushed around. He was kinda in the wrong part of the crowd; nobody played along. In the third couple, which was making out, the girl passed out for a minute during intermission and was carried away by security while her bf followed worriedly. When she came-to, she said "I don't feel any different," and leaned on her bf mumbling something about how the concert was great. The second couple was just cuddling the whole time. And the first was, like I said, great; they only really held hands and danced and they talked with Jess and I and they seemed super cool about everything.

The music was great! Weird, high people aside -- great music, great atmosphere, great concert. At some points, the crowd singing was louder than the band, because we all knew the lyrics and loved the songs. The sound was thunderous and completely fun to be a part of. However, I observed that Jess hardly even bobbed her head. She didn't move much at all. I wonder what she was thinking about... I didn't bother to ask. Maybe she's reserved at social events, like me, but even moreso. It would make sense. She has a lot of Dad's personality.

Chowon and I are talking tonight!! :D

"I'm here to catch pot-heads."

Today I learned that, like any other business, LUPD must make money. Hence, just as "the natural fruit of a pear tree is pears" and "the natural fruit of an apple tree is apples," so the natural function of a guard is to produce money. In a sense, I have been called to be a salesman -- and my customers are the forgetful, the ignorant, and the ornery.

I guess I should tighten up a bit....

I feel like there's something within me that can be expressed, but only for moments at a time, and only by people more talented than me. I want the quick fury and thrashing momentum and fullness of sound and dramatic sights and the feeling of absence from self and constant change and confusion and fear or love -- such that longing is forgotten -- forever. I can't write this without being curious. Lately I can't think straight without a kind face in front of me, and that same kindness makes me uncomfortable enough to leave it. I want to ask someone "Is something wrong" and to meet "You're damn right there is. 20km from here the war machine encroaches, and the armies of God have already decided what to do about our confusion." I want to sit silently and measure over and over the distance between myself and the light.

I've decided that this odd manifestation of depression is a product of stress, and that it will fade when the pendulum stops at it's peak.

"I may have been born yesterday, sir, but I stayed up all night."

Father In Heaven... Father Of Heaven... Must I take the blame for being cast so far from you? My feet sink deeper into the soil, and though more close to my origins I always become... more afraid.

Every day is like being rushed. No matter how I spend my free time... whether I sit in my room and do push-ups and sit-ups... whether I listen to music... write in my blog... play video games... sleep... homework... I'm not at peace. My Bible studies are non-existent right now, and it kills me... almost literally.

so many dots............ I tried writing without stopping once and what came out was more like nonsense.

Pressing F12 makes me feel smart even though I've never learned a mainstream scripting language.

I feel like I can never get enough of what I'll probably never use. It just keeps coming... things I've wanted in the past.... I think that I have every earthly possession I want.

-car
-nice place to live
-awesome computer (not the best, but I never ever have to look at min-specs for programs)
-good food always
-cool knick-knacks
-all the money I need to survive plus some extra (spent continuously, negative thousands)
-all the music in the world (literally)
-all the video games in the world (literally)

I have all the love I can get.

-solid, functional family who cares about me
-many good friends who care about me
-wonderful girlfriend who cares about me

I have fellowship with believers regularly; I can whip out Bible verses so fast that it would bring tears to your eyes; I am physically in good (albeit not great) shape; and I am at least, by some, considered to be smarter than the average bear.

All these blessings and countless more. So many blessings that if I were, with perfect memory, to sit and list them then I would simply be unable to finish.

However... I am not fulfilled by any of this. The loudest voice in the back of my mind tells me frequently: "Yes, it is good to do Bible studies, but if you do not do well in school for lack of time -- which is the task which God has given you -- then you have done a greater disservice to yourself and to God."

For some reason I can't get past a mental block which tells me "it's all or nothing. Either devote yourself to the Bible and ignore school, or devote yourself to school and place the Bible aside."

Maybe I should start listening to Christian music... but then I will think myself to be "one of those" people, who wears "Jesus" on his hat and bracelet and t-shirt, just in case someone misses the hat and forgets that he's Christian -- or maybe it's to show that Christianity can also be fashionable (a concept which I am firmly opposed to). The person who listens to Christian music loudly in his headphones and thinks the same exact nonconforming thoughts which non-Christians think about, only with no cursing and Jesus's name somewhere in there so he doesn't feel guilty... Or maybe I'd turn to choir music, where the sound alone covers my head in wrinkles and gray hairs.

No... I can feel the word(s) "balance" hanging off the sides of my tongue, but I can't find a place inside school to put Bible study while still sanctioning time to relax.
What I need is an accountability person who reminds me daily at a set time to stop whatever I'm doing and sit and read the Bible and copy it. I'm so far behind anyway....

I haven't played piano in several weeks... I think I'll do some of that soon, too.

"rest your head"

So this weekend I went to help with prison ministries for Bill Glass. It was a rewarding experience. The prison I went to had a strong spiritual presence there before we arrived. A large number of the prisoners were already Christian, I assume because the ministry had been going on there for some time. Before we entered the prison Bill Glass spoke to the group and prepared us for battle, filling us with confidence, providing us with tools for ministry, and blessing us.

I met two prisoners who were not Christians. The first was Hindu, but was very well versed in both the old and new testaments. He encouraged me, saying that he thought we were brave to enter the prison, and that he believed that Christians are closest to Hindu in faith, so he supported the ministry and supported the prisoner Christians in their growth as Christians. The second was NeoNazi. He was very interesting to talk to. He claimed to be Christian, but did not know a thing about God. He seemed kind of uneasy with me there, and he kinda scared me by being so hardcore. He also became very uncomfortable when I asked him about his background and tattoos. I stopped asking, and instead told him to keep growing closer to God and let him go back to what he was doing.

Many of the other prisoners I met seemed almost to know more scripture than I know, so they taught me much more than I taught them. They were so full of practical wisdom. I wish I could have stayed and talked to them for much longer. One of the big things they taught me was that I should enter approach every new person with absolute respect -- with the attitude that I am their servant. I should serve everyone, so that instead of people having to earn my respect and love, they should have it always. Respect being something given to everyone, even people who don't deserve it -- just as love should also be. The thing that people will earn is my distrust, even being offered a generous measure of trust at our acquaintanceship.

While washing dishes today I decided that I am very susceptible to flattery... I think because people don't compliment each other very often around here, and there's so much double-talk in the dorms that I can't take a person's kindness at face-value.

Oh! Jimmy's online!

But anyway, yeah.. so flattery. I should watch out for it. People don't compliment each other often enough here, so I think I'm gonna say nice stuff more.

"Someday you will have to protect yourself."

I am met with the deepest and most wonderful surrelity. A non-reality so contrasted against reality as to be undeniable, yet incomprehensible. Something I can see, hear, and sometimes feel... but cannot reach. To hold such a beauty in my own two hands would be to hold the fruit of the spirit in it's pure essence. All the love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness and self-control; wrapped and intermingled with fear, because life has taught us that every good thing must be taken from us. Wonderful as it may be, I must be productive. To be with it is to be without it. If I were ever to indulge -- to reach out and grasp that fullness of joy -- it would altogether disappear.

Gasping for air, only a few short minutes of life each week. God is teaching me what life really feels like by testing my patience -- am I worthy of the gift which I'm asking for...

I can't stay mad at anyone. Sometimes I get really mad, but then they shoot a smile in my direction and a single kind word puts all my apprehension to rest.

Prison ministry begins tomorrow and ends Saturday morning. I don't have the money. My paycheck from last period never came in.

10$ in quarters will keep my clothes clean for the next 6 weeks.

"Do you know what it means?"

Today I skipped classes and slept. I needed it from the weekend. I was awake and working for 3.5 days and had only 5 hours of sleep between pledging and work.

I can catch up tomorrow. Thankfully Dr. Baas sent a review for the test on Wed via email. I looked at that tonight and hopefully I can get someone to study circuits with me tomorrow because I'm gonna bomb that test if nobody explains it to me. It's crazy we only have one more month of school. I expect to have some pretty crap grades in my classes if this keeps up. I'm so far behind, and because of it I have really mixed feelings about my experience with AO. I only realized that my grades sucked when I reached the point of no return, and by then I was so close to the end that I figured I might as well finish up. I guess it's a good thing I only took 12 creds this semester, but my GPA just took a dive... It kinda hurts me to think about it, but it's a bad decision which I will have to learn from.

I asked God for wisdom, and I have learned that wisdom is gained from hindsight. It makes me wonder if I should stop asking for wisdom... but I think that things always get worse before they get better. When my wisdom grows, I will make fewer mistakes. I just pray that God allows me to finish school completely within the time which I have allotted myself.

Jess invited me to a concert, and the drive is gonna force me to repair the AC on my car. But my paycheck from the last period never came in. My boss is gonna hear about it tomorrow, because I'm broke. I recently learned how to mess with my bank account online, so from now on 30% of all my paychecks is going to savings as soon as I get the check, and once a month I will withdraw 1/3 of my savings and give it to God. However, for the first two months I will give 100% of my savings to God, because I have not tithed regularly for a long time.

God, help me to make good on what I have said.

"Your heart felt good. It was drippin pitch and made of wood"

In one hour begins the last day of pledging. They told me it might be this week or next, but I feel like if I let them push it to another week I'll be asking too much from my girlfriend... and also I've pushed lots of my schedule around this week to make room for pledging. I figured that if it lasted another week after this I "might" fail circuits, but since it won't I will have plenty of time to study. However, since I acted on that assumption, if pledging continues to next week I think I will definitely fail circuits. So whether or not this is the last weekend for Collin and Angel, it is the last day of pledging for me.

I heard the most marvelous accent yesterday in the computer lab. It was a Korean who had learned British English. The two accents complimented each other richly.

Pledging, Chowon, Grades, and God are the only things on my mind right now... not in that order. I cannot put my mind on anything else for very long at all.

Chowon's voice.... I want to hear it as soon as this challenge is finished....

I'm wearing her bracelet to pledging for the first time. I was afraid it would get ruined before, but I guess I'll give it up whenever I give up my phone. I was hoping God would allow me to draw some extra energy from it (as in... placebo effect).

It's about time for me to go load up on caffeine...

"All hail King Neptune and his water-breathers."

So I talked to Chowon about pledging and we agreed that I aught to quit... but then when I went to the house and told them about me quitting, they told me that it was ending soon and they said that since they don't want me to fail my classes and they really want me in the house, they would cut me tons of slack. They made pledging this Wednesday super easy, so I had some extra time to work on some signatures.

Sometimes I worry about Chowon's voice. It's taken me a while to decide for sure that something's on her mind. I know it's nothing that I have to worry about, except that it bothers her, which shouldn't happen to my girlfriend. I worry sometimes that my senses are dulled by my own stress, and I want to be attentive to her emotional state.

I'm not naturally empathetic, but I can actually specifically remember deciding to look for patterns in behavior and I can remember the psychological journey of finding them and adapting to them for the betterment of myself and the people around me. In short, after a few years of repeating a behavior it becomes natural, but some things never become a part of you; and if you pretend too much it is literally possible to forget who you are. It takes extra focus for me to notice her thoughts, because she is from a different culture than me. I've decided that our cultural differences excuse blunt questions like "What are you thinking about?" and "What does that face mean?" which make for a better relationship, but I feel like they make for awkward conversation sometimes. The cultural differences also force me to ignore cultural presuppositions which might hinder my interpretation of her personality -- IMO allowing for a more pure affection. The experience here, with a purely emotional (conversation and punctuality being the only things evaluated) relationship, has been and will help me to grow a lot..... I won't be able to talk to her this Saturday and it makes me sad, but it's the last weekend. Soon, everything will be better.

I could just die thinking about data structures. My plan for tomorrow revolves around me getting no more than 8 hours of sleep. It's very important that I don't sleep so much that I can't wake. However, I should sleep extra tomorrow night, because Friday is a big day.

"So sorry..."

Today I completely forgot to check into the fraternity house. I didn't show up to anything related to the society except for the time when they served us dinner, and I didn't manage to even notice Pledge President's messages within 2 hours of them being sent. I didn't thinkt here was a point to messaging back at that point, but maybe I aught to have.

HOWEVER, I finished my BST and understand it fully, so now I just have to read and understand the assignment. Conservatively: It should take about 10-15 minutes of studying to figure out what the assignment expects, then I expect 20-30 minutes of deciding a general path for solving it, and then about an hour for writing the data structure diagram and at least 3 hours for coding it. Then I have to study Hashing for the lab and write a quadratic probe. I'll figure that out when I get to it.

Oh man! Roger is online. I haven't heard from him in ages. I miss that guy lots, but it's weird because we usually don't have much to talk about.

So, seeing this awesome progress in a class which I was afraid might be a lost cause has made me realize that.... pledging is killing my grades. I talked to my adviser and he really laid it down for me straightforwardly. Basically, he told me that pledging, while it has some benefits, does not measure up to the benefits which I will lose if my GPA drops this semester. Also, he pointed out the fact that the classes I'm taking are incredibly expensive, so I don't want to fail them and have to pay more to take them again.

So basically, I've resolved to be a bad pledge this week. I had already agreed with myself, before AO said it'd be "hell-week", that I would prioritize data structures this week and get on the ball. So that's what I'll do. I'm going to talk with Chowon tomorrow morning about quitting, and if she encourages me to keep pledging then I will. If she says I should quit then I will. I'll pray tonight that God gives me and her wisdom and brings the best decision to me from my conversation with her.

Well, it's 2AM-ish. I had a nap earlier, so I should be able to round tonight to about 8 hours of sleep if I go to bed now. I just wanted to get that out there.

"I've just been in a sing-y mood today"

Pledging has been difficult lately as usual. It is especially difficult because it happens to interfere with two of my best opportunities to talk to Chowon. I have to refuse to think "I could be talking to Chowon right now" and instead think "this will help me in the future." I sometimes wonder how people can become a member of the house without learning to hate it. I mean... What does pledging do? We stand still and cold while they yell insults at us, and we work until our eyes fog up while they continue to yell. It's really twisted that this is expected to breed loyalty to the house. The process is logically flawed, yet it has worked for generations, hasn't it? I wonder sometimes if I can finish pledging without hating the house and the members therein by the end of it.
...
I think what happens is we learn to associate the masks and the nervous psychological preparation with that feeling of disdain or contempt, and it's the encouragement and the soft-tones between events that keep us positively disposed toward the house. Like in Lord of the Flies: when the kids' faces were hidden they were regarded as (and regarded themselves to be) different people. In that way, when we prepare ourselves for a pledging event we create within ourselves a false reality -- the only reality in which we could deal with the events while keeping our sense of dignity. In the new reality the people who we know and respect in the house are disassociated with their real identities, allowing them to be assholes all they want with minimal damage to character; the building and campus and world become a cramped underground chasm where we, the pledges, from fear of losing self-respect or being exiled from all humanity, do whatever is expected of us until our bodies fail. Here we refine the practice of finding pockets of energy hidden by our bodies. When the evening is over that world disappears, but our body remembers and fills us with anger and dread as we next approach the house, imagining the fun which the members completely intend to have at our expense. We aren't allowed to hurt them for their handshake, but regardless of how quickly we pry their fingers open we are insulted.

If a world such as this can be willed into existence and burned into the pit of our stomachs, then what does that imply for the rest of the world? Can I, by remembering the process which my mind goes through, generate a world in which I am an extrovert? Can I make the world a place where all the food taste good, the homework is fun, and my love will be near me satisfyingly "soon"? Can I make a world where the days are short and still productive? Can't I just skip the next 5 weeks and have everything done that needs to be done? Do I really have to do all this? Can't I just disappear from consciousness until the time when I needn't stress, while my body continues to efficiently learn material and productively deploy it.

I just want to skip life and be at the place where it ends. I want to look back on a life that I can be proud of, but I don't want to work for it.

It is better to think "There is no way for me to skip the work" than to think "How can I skip this work". Because even though I know that nothing is impossible, I know that God has design the world in such a way that the only way to be honorable is to suffer silently and to even have an appreciation and favorable disposition toward mundanity (as in the quality of being mundane) simply because having more of it makes you more favorably disposed toward it.

"See how dirt naturally generates filth?"

It's been a long time since my last post. Been really busy lately. Completely enamored, fulfilled by God's love, and watching the pendulum swing back and forth more quickly lately -- and more slowly.

Pond runs aren't as cold if you keep smiling.

I am too tired to elaborate much about what has been happening. Chowon is the most interesting thing about me lately, or at least the first thing that always comes to mind when people ask me about myself. I suppose that isn't a good thing, because she is still external, and God should be my #1 focus. Then again, he is my main focus; in that I believe he has Chowon and I together for a purpose (be it what it is) and thinking of her almost invariably causes me to think about God.

Chowon asked me to get specific about the future the other day. It was a little scary for me, because I'm kindof afraid to say the 'M' word (marriage), but I got it out in a flurry of quick ramblings when she asked. lol. She says she feels safe relying on me to keep the distant future in mind. I think that's good because she should focus on the present, and I'm happy to have that burden off her. I feel inadequate to be relied upon, but I think that this could lead to a good order of things. If I rely completely on God, and she relies on God also, then we are safe relying on each other inasmuch as we are relying on God by proxy. Maybe I'll bring that up in our next conversation just to make sure we're on the same page.

I wish I were writing every night like I used to. I guess it will just have to wait.

God blessed me today.

"Always choose option B."

So I'm up at 2:18AM because my roommate is giving gf advice. The situation is kindof hilariously ironic because me and Ben exclusively (in this room) have/had girlfriends, and we are not allowed to input in the conversation just on principle. Probably in part because most of our input is sarcastic. It's too easy to make fun of the advice they are giving each other^^ I don't mean that in a jerky way, just that these guys are so serious that it's hard to keep a straight face.

I will not do my circuits homework tonight because I need to sleep. My grade in circuits will suffer, but I intend to go to the TIs starting last Wednesday. The one on Saturday is probably the worst for me because pledging has me up all night and I sleep all day Saturday.

So the floor name is the Bombers, even though it has no story to back it up. I'm ok with it I guess. I hope we do something worthy of changing it soon. I have some T-Shirt ideas. I just hope I can muster enough time to perfect it before the end of the week.

My internet is broken again. I can't imagine why. I'm on my roommate's internet now.

I'm falling more and more in love with the situation between me and 초원^^ Being apart has produced a purely emotional relationship. I wonder what it will be like when I can finally see her in person and hold her hand and give her a hug. I wonder how long our first hug will be. I wonder where I will take her on our first date in-relationship... The nearest drive-in is a 4 hour drive from here..... which totally sucks. However, I wanted to think of something better than that anyway. Idk.... I'll come up with something.

I should really be getting to sleep...

Wow, looks like everyone is awake...

I'm gonna make a snack before I go to bed.

"They can smell fear."

Oh the power of prayer. Next time I should be more specific^^

Oh! So Gana just told me that she gave Chowon the flowers -- like, just now. I can't wait to hear from Chowon about it :D. I kindof intended them to be a birthday present, but by the time I figured out how to send flowers to Korea for less than 100$ it was getting close, and Gana was busy kkkkk. I will have to send Gana a postcard or something for that. She's a great friend.

Chowon told me to expect something soon. I wonder what it was^^ kkk she sent me some texts about it^^ God is so good to me.

I just sent Bryce an email with all that stuff I've been meaning to tell him, but I think I should have waited until the daytime to send it, because I know my writing can be noncoherent when I'm tired.

Speaking of which, I should go to bed.

"Wanna watch the worst movie in the world with us?"

That console and consoling would give me energy. That I wouldn't feel distress. That I would have time for sleep. That Coffee would lift me and not let me crash. That I would have enough energy for tomorrow. That I can endure just for a short time. That the sound of our voices together would make us feel loved. That I can learn quickly. That I will never want to forget again. That the music in my head would never go away.

"Did you hear him laughing?"

Today I was walking home from EDM and I was thinking about the difference between our perceptions and reality. Here's an exercise in understanding what I mean: Next time you're outside, look at the trees and the grass and the sky and imagine that the sky is plain white (with no shading... like paper), and that everything green is red. For me it was a little bit difficult at first, but after a short time focusing I was able to recreate a world around me with vibrant and strange colors -- if only for a tiny instant. Now, as soon as you have successfully imagined it, consider the feeling. For me, I seemed almost to stop perceiving reality for just an instant, just long enough for me to see what I was imagining, but the whole time I knew that reality was there. Kindof like the way we forget that reality exists during a daydream or even more-so a dream -- except when you imagine something intentionally you never actually forget where you are.

So it's the difference between the feeling of seeing only what you see and seeing what you imagine. If you've felt the feeling I'm trying to portray, then you have seen the wall between reality and nonreality. To breach the wall would be to focus on your imagining until you believe it is real -- to forcefully reject your inclinations as they come to you. Is that the road to insanity? I've considered it before, as thinking experiment; like, imagining something absurd and telling yourself it's real, and not just trying to believe it but constructing a barrier to keep reality out. Would practicing intense imagination like that be a unhealthy? Would it be destructive? Or would it be an exercise in creativity and control of your own mind?

--Which is another topic. Nobody really controls what they think about, do they?.

Today in chapel I wasn't paying attention, but I was thinking about my past and my present and my future, and then suddenly the bass struck and the cymbals clashed and everyone seemed to start yelling "oh how he loves us" all at once. It was kindof like getting slapped in the face. I couldn't ignore the words anymore and sang along instead.

"You know, since you said you'd definitely be there..."

Last night I stayed up all night and today I woke up at 7:30 PM. I'm not super tired, but I know if I don't go to sleep now I'll be ruined on Monday. :/

When I woke up I had some pizza and trail mix, so that's all I had to eat today, but I'm not all that hungry. Right now the only thing really worrying me is whether or not I'll make it to church tomorrow (I'm not really feeling it) but we'll see. I do have some homework to do. Maybe I'll just wake up and call the pastor and his wife. They're good people. I really like them, and I like going to church there.

Talked to Chowon again today^^ My affection seems to only grow as time goes on. I'm looking forward to this winter. I wonder what God has in store for us.

I really need to remember to return this tupperware container to my pastor.....

She sent me some music of hers to listen to. It's pretty good^^ I heard one of the songs often when I was in Korea. I think that if I picked the right songs and sent them to her, she'd be really into dubstep. I'm gonna look for some good ones.

"That's why"

Today was busy busy busy. I got about 5 hours of sleep last night (1 hour at a time, with about 3 hour breaks in between), and I haven't done circuits. I wrote a whole research article about improving commercial touchless soap dispensers and then realized I'd done it wrong. I kinda half-assed the redo, but I'm thinking it'll be alright....

I talked to Chowon this morning and at first it was kinda serious, but then it lightened up^^* I'm really hopeful for this winter.

Tonight I got in trouble at AO for shaking hands the wrong way or something. I'm thinking that I can make any part of it fun if I can just have a good attitude about it.

Dear Lord, help me with all the things on my plate, that I won't procrastinate but that I will do all my work and that I'll do it well.

I'm getting used to the temp that my roommate likes for this room. He keeps things pretty cold.

"Tell me in Korean."

Chowon demands so much trust from me. It scares me sometimes. Dear God, bless me with wisdom and insight.

I had an AO meeting tonight, and I left early because I wanted to Skype Chowon (I told them I wanted to get some sleep before work at 4:00AM. It wasn't a lie. I'm going to sleep after this.). I wonder sometimes if I should stop refusing appointments and leaving meetings early for her... but I don't want to be late to our appointments, because those moments are precious to me.

...

I'm way behind in bible copying. Life has been so busy for me lately, and I try to spend my free time mindlessly...

...

I know what I'll do.



So my roommate and I are sharing one internet jack. My internet jack has gone out twice, and IT at our school has fixed it once, but now will not do it so readily. They have encountered numerous problems over the past two weeks. I wonder what their deal is.

At present, my network utilization is at 0% of 100mbps.. but typing here seems to occasionally bring it up to as much as 0.08% -- which is about 80kbps, right? I guess that's about right, assuming the text entry area is dynamically expanding and also saving drafts on intervals.

Well, I should really get to bed.

"But I'm not young enough to know everything."

It's 1:30 and I have to wake at 7:30, which means I get 6 hours of sleep^^

So I gave Chowon a link to the blog. I still kinda feel weird about it. I very intentionally don't know who knows about this (or I really try to ignore it when I do know).

Oh, she just texted me....

aww she's so sweet.



I just got to talk to Wouter for the first time in a long time. I know that everyone in our group of international students really grew to love that place. He seems to be doing well. I really hope the best for him.

My roommate is asleep, and I have to go to bed, too... my sleep cycles are insane insane insane right now. I really need to go to bed. I might skip church tomorrow, but I need to return this tupperware. I think I'll just stop by and say hi and sorry I can't stick around, and return the tupperware, and then come back and get ready for work. I work starting at noon tomorrow.

"A little leaven leavens the whole loaf."

Today I skipped Karate because I lost my backpack with my uniform in it last week and it has not yet been recovered. Hopefully I will find it before Thursday :(

Last night I talked to Chowon a little and she seemed very relaxed compared to normal. I love it when she tells me she loves me, but I have a feeling that my parents will disapprove of how quick we started saying that... but what is "love" anyway? I love pancakes, I love my brother, I love my mom, I love my roommate, I love Chowon. Aren't they all different? I love Chowon with a unique love which is probably more accurately described by "infatuation" at this point, but it is still love in a very real sense of the word. It will develop into something more and better as time goes on. I can either say, "what will we call the thing it becomes" (implying the negative side of saying the L word early) or I can say "our love is maturing" (implying that it will still be the same love, but in a different form). To not say I love her would be an exercise in restraint, but saying it is so immediately gratifying, and I exercise restraint all the time (a self defeating argument). I'll tell her I love her all I want, and mean it wholeheartedly.

That's probably going to be the presentation I give mom before Chowon gets to my house for Christmas, so she won't have to pull me aside and lecture me. But that's not to say it isn't honest. -- it is.

I ate at waffle house and met a very interesting man who claims to have at one point made 150k/yr scrapping appliances and selling them on Craigs list. Interesting, huh?

My roommate is trying to sleep now, and I should do the same.

Kinda gave up on circuits. I know how to do nodal analysis in a vague sense of the word "know", but I know that even the problems I can do easily will take an hour each, and will force me to do so much algebra by hand (cause we can't use a calculator) that I will get the wrong answer inevitably. If I use matrices, then it would save paper, but I really really hate matrices. Can't he just give us a quiz on matrices to prove we know how and then let us use our calculators? I'm convinced it would reduce my problem work time by at least 75%.

I'm thinking about telling Chowon about my blog..... She kinda hints at it as if she knows it exists but doesn't want to acknowledge it before I tell her, but I don't know how to present it and I don't want to know for sure whether or not she reads it.

I met a false prophet(ess) for the first time on Sunday and it made me realize how I need to be helping this church. God put me there for a reason, so readers pray for me to do what is right, and to act wisely. Right now, I think the only thing I can do is develop a relationship with the people there so that they will listen to me. It's too early now, but I know God will equip me when the time comes. It's difficult, and it may be harsh of me to pin the name "false prophet" on someone, but she fortune told to this one girl, and told her she would soon get a boyfriend or something --basically told her that she didn't have one. I don't know the exact words--, and when the girl said "I'm in a relationship" she backed up, shocked or with damaged pride, and said "Well, maybe he's not the right one. In fact, I think he's not and you'll probably break up with him soon." Well, the girl has already had two kids and no husband. She stayed for the whole service and left, obviously pretty flustered or angered by the experience. The point is the "prophetess" made a false assumption in God's name, which used to get people put to death. But then the pastor and his wife still took everything the prophetess said seriously, and even asked her to prophesy over me. The woman told me to stick by the head of the church and told the pastor that I was trustworthy. The "prophetess" was a guest speaker.

Ah well, I should go to bed.

"I feel like crap. No, I feel like the crap that crap produces." ~my roommate XP lol

About to go to bed. Night!!

I've been getting into Bon Iver lately^^ I'll post a favorite song when I think of one.

Chowon told me today she is "thinking seriously about the future". I wonder what she means. I know she has something on her mind, because she is slowing conversation more than normal, and I'm not used to picking it up when she's quiet. I know it's silly, but after the thing with Lani I become really worried every time Chowon expresses that something is wrong.. and ever time she hesitates it suddenly becomes a little harder to breathe. I keep reminding myself, "Zac, she isn't Lani. Chwon actually deserves the respect you want to give her. She did not lie to you in Korea, why would she lie now? She loves Jesus so much; even if you cannot trust a new person, you can trust God who is within her." And I do trust her. I trust her as well as I can trust new people right now. I think it will be much easier after some time together in person.

She says she might come for Christmas. I think about her all the time. The other day she said she wonders if I like her as much as she likes me... I wonder... I'm glad she said that though, because it means that I don't have to worry the same way.

Gana should be buying me some flowers for Chowon soon. I hope that goes well and happens soon.

My roommate is here talking about the sucknado on his computer, "internet". He's downloading some Steam stuff, and it's dragging him down pretty hardcore. It was much worse in the past.

"Buying your body from your heart, selling it to your spirit. Whose spirit is it, really?"

PWND!

Two blogs today to make up for the 3 blogs last month.

I find myself thinking more than ever about Chowon, and even infatuation is a learning experience, because I've wondered in the past how much a person could actually think enamoredly about someone else before they ran out of things to wonder or had accepted the things they did not know or could not grasp. However, I don't think about anything specific and solvable, but take joy in imagining the curve of her smile or sound of her voice or her affection for God and for me or God's blessings for us.

It's like, when you're bored you might daydream, and it is desensitizing to know that you could be doing something better. Thereby I am bored with variations in normalcy, and find that just listening to her talk about her day is one of my greatest sources of pleasure.

And that's all I've got for tonight. I just wanted to get that out :) God has blessed me immensely this summer, and I'm praying for all my friends, that he will bless them and let me share my overflow with them as well.

"I threw a stone at the reflection of my image in the water and it altogether disappeared. I burst; it shattered me like a bullet through a bottle... And I'm expected to believe that any of this is real."

Last night a church caught on fire a few blocks away, and whenever we talk about it or see the smoke, the air around us becomes thick and awkward, like we know we should act and feel reverent but we are unaccustomed to the touch of it. Some people know that they should feel reverent and know, in an exaggerated sense, what reverence and honor looks like, so they act it out. Some of them are completely honest with themselves. I wonder what am I? I don't know what reverence and honor look like in this situation, but I definitely feel disheartened by the loss of that church, except that God allowed it for a reason.

I've been going to a church lately where I am one of just a few members, and the only people who seem to come every Sunday are the pastor and his wife. They say sometimes they preach to just angels and each other, and then sometimes they teach only me. Their lessons are rock solid so far (give or take matters of opinion which I hold to be irrelevant even to interpretation of scripture, such as upholding traditions like teaching each new member their mission statement or stuff like that.

My hand aches with certain motions of my thumb. I hope it isn't permanent. I'm getting so old.

I used to swim a lot. I should start again.

The question has been on my mind lately what God does when we (Christians) sin. Does he forgive us immediately and then move on and forget it? Does he remember it to remind you of it on the day of judgement (even though you will not be eternally damned)? Does he slap his forehead and say "don't do that again"? Does he punish us on earth using odd circumstances?

Somedays I wonder if I should delete all of Lani's contact information or not. I said I would, but when we were going to meet she asked me politely to reconsider. Part of me hopes I am never put in close enough proximity to have to pursue a real friendship with her. Then another part of me knows that if she tried hard, I would give in and forget... but that she won't do that. And another part of me would help her with any problem she came to me for help with, whether I had deleted her or not. I can't seem to separate the feelings hurt and malice. And even moreso I cannot feel good about it, even though I have forgiven her over and over. I think that if I consider the feelings closely and separate them in my mind and my emotions, it will enable me to...to....idk..., but the practice will also help me to forgive in the future.

"My face has changed, but you know it's me. You know by the stillness in my eyes. Come and whisper in my ear, 'My dear, it'll be alright.' You're lying! But I don't mind tonight."

I didn't place a single card......

Just got sprayed. It feels a lot like roasting a marshmellow on a fire that's too hot, except you can't pull away and you have jalapeno slices under your eyelids. I showered, but it seems like it just put the spice down from the surface of my hair to my scalp, and spread the pain all over my arms and neck. ... but at least it's out of my eyes.

And with that, ART school is over.

The road trip was great! I really enjoyed spending all that time with Gavin, but I couldn't tell what he was thinking toward the end. o.0

Oh well. I have to work in about 3 1/2 hours. I get to carry the pepp tonight.

I asked Gana to help with sending Chowon something^^ I hope I can do it!

I met Lani for breakfast during the trip and it was super awkward. Her boyfriend is an atheist; I may or may not try to contact him about his beliefs. I'm interested, but I recognized many of his arguments. He knows the history but prefers the unimaginably improbable to the fantastic. The meeting affirmed for me that it would never have worked between Lani and I. She is a lamb clothed with feathers; I would not have been able to tell over the internet because I could not look at her face when she spoke until this trip. It makes me happy that she didn't adhere to me any longer, and based on my conversation with her new boyfriend, I trust that he will treat her fairly.

"So praises to the war machine, when the distance is growing thin to the helplessness of a tiny earth."

Just 7 more days 'till I leave. I want to summarize this summer with a few insightful words, but it's really hard. What happened these past few months....

I've almost finished CalcIII. I (ideally) will have finished it next week.

I got a car.

I got a girlfriend <3<3

I made some money

I watched Gwen develop from a little mumbler into a toddler who makes full sentences.

I got to see Lainey adjusting to life outside the womb

Spent great quality time with my brother. Also with his wife and her family. Got to know Steph better than I did.

Learned about Systema XD XD

Got to see Gavin

Found an opportunity to see Lani (최후의 약속예요)

Made some new friends

Got the easter egg on black-ops call of the dead X)

Found WWF Warzone online for my PSXe

and much much more! I'll post more as I think of it^^

Showin the neighbors some games on my computer. Soon homework, and then who knows? I hope to talk to 초원 soon^^

"Rue the day... on Zombies"

Really caught up by this song. (maybe just because I like the melody...)

Also learning to embed videos. :D

It's so surreal dealing with these kinds of things. I have to admit, no matter how much I'm trying to be cool about it, the situation makes me extremely uncomfortable. I don't know how to act, because my justification for thinking the way I have is crumbling, and I can't stay mad like I want to. Someday I'll look back at this situation and laugh at myself. I know it's kindof melodramatic to think this way, but it's weird how a misunderstanding can destroy a worldview like that...

Surrelity is the spice of life.

I had a calendar accident, but to the best of my memory, Chowon returns on the 27th, which began one hour ago in Korea. I am sending a text message banking on that, but I hope I don't make a fool of my self. The conversation I had with Lani makes me want to step up my pursuit of Chowon. I already talk to her a lot on Skype, on the phone, on Facebook, etc.. Maybe I'll send some flowers or something soon.

"Cold hands... cold lips.... no eyes to search"

Man... this weekend I've seen all of them... and they're all the same now... What a frightening thought.

So a while ago I talked to Lani, and now I'm planning to go to Alabama during my road trip so I can have that final conversation with her before I erase everything about her. I told her I'd be deleting all her contact info and stuff. I wonder what I'll say. She said she wanted to talk, and I wonder what she intends to talk about. She said "nothing awkward"... what could we possibly have to talk about that wouldn't be uncomfortable?

초won returns in 3 days^^ ..I need to shave sometime soon -- before Cho원 and I Skype again. I'm super scruffy right now.

Tomorrow I have buttloads and buttloads of homework, and Tuesday I have a quiz, but Wednesday is all conceptual.

It's kinda late so I'm gonna snig a snack and then go to bed.

"Its basically a love song."

I'm at a beech resort right now, taking some internet time to keep up-to-date with my studying and make sure no "important" things have been sent to me on Facebook.

So this is a great mashup of many songs I like:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lTx3G6h2xyA

Best part is: it's a live mashup, which just makes it twice as cool.

---------------------------------------

HDJRII and his videos, though cheesy sometimes, generally present a very solid and uplifting Christianity. Here's a recent video where his Dad tells it like it is:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nX_xP0GpYrU

HDJR2 is a great guy. I've known him for some time now. God bless him.

---------------------------------------

And this website confuses and infuriates me:

www.whiterabbitradio.net

It doesn't even deserve link status. It's too rediculous. The guy who made it seems to think whites are subject to some kind of undercover genocide and is too afraid to say it outright, but posts a bunch of "anti-pink-rabbit" cartoons and practically neo-nazi videos about keeping "third-world-people" out of white countries, full of phrases like "everybody says" and "everybody knows" about a "race problem". The sad thing is, I think that if I argued with him about it, I would lose, because he wastes too much time learning for the site -- and my only grounds for debate are fundamental truths and common sense (both of which he has apparently discarded). Like it says in Proverbs 26:5: don't argue with idiots. I came across this looking for a mashup called "follow the white rabbit". Still haven't found it. I don't know the artist. Oh well.

"We come undone"

Downloaded the Jesus Movie and some animes someone recommended.

I'll be making cds for Dan tomorrow. Also homework. Trip to Outer Banks this Sat (mad exciting)

Finished Fallout:NV as a good guy; now playing the dark side.

Chowon's in Cambodia. She couldn't bring her phone or anything because the people she'll be with might take it or something -- not that I imagine her getting signal in that specific area anyway. Maybe my attitude is too saturated by convenience. Heck.. I don't have a clue what the place she'll be in is like.

Sometimes I think that if I had more to worry about I'd have less to worry about. This might make me sound kinda dumb.... I mean... if I were in a tougher spot, like if I were poor, I would be more worried about surviving, right? I wouldn't have time to waste on thoughts like "why the hell is that on the news?" (I mean, every story about someone being raped or murdered by their parent in America just makes me hate everything. Not only because it makes me feel like America is full of rapists and murderers, but also because this is on TV for our **entertainment**. As we grow, do we slowly desensitize ourselves until we resort to displaying and watching horrific incidents on TV to get our emotional highs? And somehow, people are convinced that attending post-mutilation press conferences will do more than help a few people get their willies a hundred miles away. The worst part? When I'm bored and there's nothing else on, I watch the news, too.) ....... but I digress. The point here was that if I were more focused on my basic needs I wouldn't be horrified and disgusted by humanity. But really.... I don't have the option of becoming self-reliant in a good way yet. It costs a lot of money to get off the grid, and I'm not a good enough hunter or farmer to make it work anyway. Becoming homeless is not an option. I realize it could happen to anyone, but I suppose that were I homeless I'd also be exposed to violence first-hand, and not be safe behind my TV.

"all my life

there you go

oh please stay

just this once

anyway"

Tomorrow is the exam. My sleep cycles may never regulate. I just finished studying for it, a good non-stop 4 hours of focus, on top of another 2 or 3 this afternoon. I think I'm set. Tonight, I plan to sleep well. Tomorrow I will wake early, drink coffee, maybe grab a small cappuccino on the road to drink right before the exam starts.

Just downloaded Long Live by The Chariot. It's pretty freaking amazing. Might fall asleep to it tonight.....

"'This world,' he cries, 'is not my place.'"

I got this picture from Chowon that I had forgotten. It's really great, but she says she wanted to photoshop it. I told her to send it to me anyway and then photoshop it and send it again lol. I wonder what she'll do with it... I am too eager, maybe I should have let her photoshop it before she sent it to me. In a few weeks, we'll add them to our facebooks at the same time. -- after she gets back from Cambodia.

I kinda want to give Tyler "Wayman" Wyman a call, but it's too late.

There's a feeling of belonging lost in the world. You like a movie because you identify with it somehow. That is always the reason. Everyone identifies with the story about the person who feels like he or she doesn't belong, but the undeniability of our surroundings carves into us the opposite perspective. We belong here because there is no other possible explanation. Clearly, however, this is not the case; I suppose we don't belong here because there is an explanation.

Take also, for example, the need we all have to be under something greater than ourselves. We can't function without a government or governing power. One might say he is better than the drug lords who rape and murder each day. But don't they live with no power to govern them? Is one incapable of performing an atrocity? What would we be like if not for the police to guide us? I slow down whenever a cop is behind me, but if there were none I'd go at whatever speed I liked, and if there were no governing power in my life I'd follow that trend and slowly degrade to something less than honorable.

But how can we be governed by people who also have a need to be governed? Even our American "system of checks and balances" is becoming unanimously corrupt. People who realize the insufficiency of "need governed by the needy" erect golden idols with elaborate histories to worship. If you focus long enough and drive out your presuppositions; if you acknowledge that you have not known any firm grounding for the idea that "you belong here", (and "because my mother/father/significant-other loves me" doesn't count,) you arrive at an uncomfortable feeling of lostness. Where can you go from here? ... but don't think too hard about it, it will only ruin your day. No. Fill your day with television. The less you think, the better. No, even better, fill your mind with things that make you feel like you fulfill your obligation to society. Why should you help the starving people in [X 3rd world country]? "Because they are people, and nobody deserves pain". WHY!!!?? What is society anyway, but elaborate systems of distraction stacked on distraction; built around minimizing or ignoring that need. There is an overarching answer to everyone's purpose here, and obvious as it is, even now you can sit there and deny it.

"They will not be persuaded even if someone rises from the dead"