Enjoying the free time at Mom and Dad's, but really there's nothing to do at home. Mom and dad work for most of the day still, and I'm not quite used to the Utah weather to just go walking around, and I don't have the money to go shopping right now, because I want to have some left over when Chowon comes to Texas.

So... I've been sitting and thinking most of these days. I try not to think too much about last semester, because it makes me confront difficult questions... like What the heck am I gonna do about AO? I can't handle the way [some of them at least] get worked up over trivial things -- almost to the point where it seems they've integrated that vapidity into their self-image. ... and What's gonna happen with my roommate situation next semester? Damien wants to room with me and that's cool if Freddy doesn't... but I do kinda like rooming with Freddy and Damien is weird about Chowon... and Will Dr. Anderson or Armstrong or whoevertheheck finally respond to any of my emails?!?!?!?! Two professors have given me permission to enter their classes even though they are full, and they told me that he had the power to let me in given their consent, however, he will not respond to my emails.

*frustrated*

...

*sigh*

...

The imminent arrival of Dan and Steph and Gwen and Lainey and Jess doesn't hold my attention for very long. I'm excited about it, but I know it's gonna happen and I know that it's gonna be fun and the only thing on my mind about it is that I have yet to wait.

The Bible only stays on my mind for as long as I'm thinking about it. I wonder if there's a way for me to combat that...


Anyway the point is the past few days I've been stuck inside thinking all day. Chowon hasn't been responding to my texts, but she says she wants to talk to me and to see me.... I wonder what she is thinking about... I wish I could hear her voice over the phone...lol the sound of her breathing always changes to give away her mood. Sometimes, though, I wonder if she tells me what's really going on when she's unhappy.

I wish I had more to talk about with my friends from LeTU. Most of those friendships seem kindof shallow... I wonder if anyone there feels emotionally connected to me, like as if I am more than just an acquaintance. I wonder if that shallowness is something I've designed. Like... I mean... when I go out to the lobby to talk to people I usually just say a few words and then leave... There's always so many people there and I get nervous... and when there's just a few people there they are a couple and make me feel awkward or they are busy studying and I don't want to interrupt. Damien really is cool, but it's almost like he's trying hard to generate a close friendship with me and it freaks me out... I mean.... we've known each other long enough to be close I guess, and I like being around him when he's not forgetting how to take a joke... I think I want some more closeness with people at LeTU, but I just can't grasp it... Like I'm living commensalistically, and there's some one-sided barrier where I receive friendship and then remain neutral... I'll conduct some social experiments upon returning and see if I can deduce anything about my ability to perform social mutualistic symbiosis. o.o

"I think what made you think that was...."


ETA: You know what... come to think of it... I don't remember wishing more closeness when I was at LeTU; at least not much like now. I've decided that this emotion (a state of insecurity about my social adeptness due to prolonged lack of contact with friends) shall be called loneliness. I'm lonely. Send me a text message.

Solution sans friends who text me: Tomorrow I will go talk to local store clerks and see if I can find a public piano to play on. With any luck, this may establish my presence with the locals as a potential acquaintance existing in Utah.