Father In Heaven... Father Of Heaven... Must I take the blame for being cast so far from you? My feet sink deeper into the soil, and though more close to my origins I always become... more afraid.
Every day is like being rushed. No matter how I spend my free time... whether I sit in my room and do push-ups and sit-ups... whether I listen to music... write in my blog... play video games... sleep... homework... I'm not at peace. My Bible studies are non-existent right now, and it kills me... almost literally.
so many dots............ I tried writing without stopping once and what came out was more like nonsense.
Pressing F12 makes me feel smart even though I've never learned a mainstream scripting language.
I feel like I can never get enough of what I'll probably never use. It just keeps coming... things I've wanted in the past.... I think that I have every earthly possession I want.
-car
-nice place to live
-awesome computer (not the best, but I never ever have to look at min-specs for programs)
-good food always
-cool knick-knacks
-all the money I need to survive plus some extra (spent continuously, negative thousands)
-all the music in the world (literally)
-all the video games in the world (literally)
I have all the love I can get.
-solid, functional family who cares about me
-many good friends who care about me
-wonderful girlfriend who cares about me
I have fellowship with believers regularly; I can whip out Bible verses so fast that it would bring tears to your eyes; I am physically in good (albeit not great) shape; and I am at least, by some, considered to be smarter than the average bear.
All these blessings and countless more. So many blessings that if I were, with perfect memory, to sit and list them then I would simply be unable to finish.
However... I am not fulfilled by any of this. The loudest voice in the back of my mind tells me frequently: "Yes, it is good to do Bible studies, but if you do not do well in school for lack of time -- which is the task which God has given you -- then you have done a greater disservice to yourself and to God."
For some reason I can't get past a mental block which tells me "it's all or nothing. Either devote yourself to the Bible and ignore school, or devote yourself to school and place the Bible aside."
Maybe I should start listening to Christian music... but then I will think myself to be "one of those" people, who wears "Jesus" on his hat and bracelet and t-shirt, just in case someone misses the hat and forgets that he's Christian -- or maybe it's to show that Christianity can also be fashionable (a concept which I am firmly opposed to). The person who listens to Christian music loudly in his headphones and thinks the same exact nonconforming thoughts which non-Christians think about, only with no cursing and Jesus's name somewhere in there so he doesn't feel guilty... Or maybe I'd turn to choir music, where the sound alone covers my head in wrinkles and gray hairs.
No... I can feel the word(s) "balance" hanging off the sides of my tongue, but I can't find a place inside school to put Bible study while still sanctioning time to relax.
What I need is an accountability person who reminds me daily at a set time to stop whatever I'm doing and sit and read the Bible and copy it. I'm so far behind anyway....
I haven't played piano in several weeks... I think I'll do some of that soon, too.
"rest your head"
Monday, November 7, 2011
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