/* Commentary August 2026

I was wrong in my prior post -- it seems I had more like a few weeks of hotel time after Chowon left. But I had also forgotten how long the warranty conversations went on for -- still happening at this point, and I know they continued long into the new "unconventional" housing situation I mention here. 

The title "Christian nationalist" didn't age well. I'm definitely not that in the sense of what it usually means today, and I wasn't back then either. At that time I intended it to mean that Christians are a distinct nation under king Jesus -- and that is something I still believe today. 

*/

 My hotel time ran out, so I packed up today and moved into my new temporary lodging. This place is very unconventional, but every ounce of effort I put into it makes it feel a pound more like it's my own. I'm enjoying setting it up..

Also, Gawvi got me again with another great character profile. Based only on the theme, without knowledge of who it was referencing, I was really sure I wouldn't like it. It took me until the start of the second chorus to figure out who he was talking about. I had to listen to the song twice after that. I love it.

Today was another kinda crazy day. More conversations with Warranty companies. More last-minute attention to my job. More bills, etc, etc.. But I felt a lot better about it than yesterday -- although I'm still pretty cloudy-headed. I'm definitely not at 100% yet, but God is carrying me.

I finally got a travel license. I wonder if they'll start requiring these for land-travel at the borders between states. What does a travel license signify? What is its purpose again? Is it just to protect the airplanes? How is it a more reliable form of identification than a regular ID?

Anyway I'm glad I did it, because they allowed me to update my voter registration. So I set my party preference to "Christian Nationalist". Doing it made me nervous, because there were people there about to read the paper I was handing them, and they would have to manually enter it into a computer. And then after I submitted it, I felt a little ashamed about being nervous before. I hope that expressing my beliefs in small ways like this will help me to be more comfortable in expressing my beliefs openly. Everyone is so weird about religion and politics. Why should I hide my worldview? Why does everyone have to act like an atheist in public? When we're at church we talk about every event in terms of God's will, so why should we be any different anywhere else?

In any case, I'm very excited about the change, because if the Christians with premillennial eschatology are right (although I don't personally agree with them), then I hope this puts me first in line at the Colosseum. If God gives me strength, I'll sing a loud hymn and then high-five Ignatius in heaven.

Missing Chowon and the baby a lot. It hurts to think about them sometimes. I'm so busy that I am tempted to let myself become totally swallowed up by my tasks, but I need to remember to be a part of the life of my family.

The church guys are putting up an effort to hold me accountable. They invited me to go bowling tonight. That's where I'm going to go right now.

"The three branches are three days."

/*Commentary August 2026

What a crazy time. This must have been right after I sent my wife away, because I think I had like 2 days left in the hotel at that point. After that is when I moved into the office. The timeline is a little fuzzy. I remember those warranty phone calls. They sometimes lasted all day! And the panic attacks were a regular occurrence for me during that time. God really provided through it. I'm not sure if I would change the fact that it happened if I could; only maybe change how much I stressed about it while it was happening. 

*/

Man, I'm glad I had a good day Sunday, because today was extremely difficult. It was all rushing around, phone calls, trying to stay productive at work, and here's a new feature to this chapter in my life: panic attacks. I had to wake up early to go look at the house before work and sign some papers. Then, on the way to work and during work I was having phone calls with warranty companies. The phone calls were crazy. At one point, I was on hold with a warranty company, and I got called by another warranty company. It was important, so I conferenced them, and I had my whole conversation with warranty company 2 shouting over the hold music from warranty company 1. All that while I'm rushing to the car, because I have important errands to run and it's all the sudden time for my lunch break. Then when I got back, I had emails about projects that I was supposed to start on a week ago, and I had to power through as much of those projects as I could while hammering away at this house situation.

But I actually got a lot done. I pushed three projects to the point where I am waiting on other people now. As far as work goes, I think it was a productive day in the end.

Also, I dropped off my wife's car in a safe place where it can wait out the house situation, and had to walk back to my hotel in the hottest part of the day, right after work. I could have gotten an uber, but we're saving money, and I had enough time, so I powered through it. Discomfort is sometimes cleansing, and although I ended the walk exhausted and thirsty, it helped me get past all the rushing from earlier in the day. And anyway, my current lodgings are comfortable and I got a free dinner at the hotel. My needs are accounted for.

Talking with warranty companies is extremely stressful. I don't know the terminology or the trades involved with all this, and everything I say is twisted up by them. It's like insurance isn't really about whether or not a thing is covered; it's about whether or not you can phrase your description of things in a way that gets the things covered. It's a semantic game; I can't imagine how it is any less harmful to people less privileged than myself. What a waste of resources, the energy we expend to hold up these unbalanced scales.

During the purchase of the house, I tried to do things shrewdly; explaining things only as they needed to be explained; carefully wording everything; carefully examining every detail. It was the one detail I neglected which turned out to be the most important. It will always be impossible to capture every detail, and so all that effort can be nothing but useless. Moreover, I don't like it. I don't know how to twist up words like the insurance companies do. I'm not practiced in that game. I've resolved that from now on, I want only to act on the simple and plain integrity of my heart, to depend on God's providence to protect me from things I don't know, and to be eagerly ignorant of everything anyone asks me if it relates to the working of another man's trade.

"I love you. I hate you. I need you. Go away."

/*Commentary from July 2026

The Mormon calling me prideful for not wanting to become a god is still an interesting piece of irony, but I'm less amused by it than I was back then. Nowadays, I'm horrified by it. Back in those days, I laughed and mocked unbelievers; nowadays thinking about what they're doing to themselves (what we're all doing to ourselves) makes me sick with grief. This more "serious" attitude toward the issue briefly flared up once or twice even back then, but it is meditation on God's law which has caused me to realize the seriousness of our situation and the massive gap between our inured state of "comfortable oppression" and a truly freeing law. I remember one time, I was debating two young Mormon men online, and I began to love them, and the realization of their destination overwhelmed me, and I panicked, and my tone shifted from casual debate to a more earnest and urgent gospel presentation. They were put off by it and stopped responding -- which makes perfect sense, because I'm ridiculous.

*/

Feeling much better today than yesterday. I still think I could use a bit more sleep, but I've been able to make solid plans and execute them thoughtfully today.

Also, I've been listening to this song repeatedly lately. Not a fan of the squeaky swing-set they sampled, but the lyrics are awesome, and the baseline actually sounds great in my car speakers. I especially appreciate how they aren't too obvious in their references, so it sounds like a bunch of random stuff put together unless you know the story they're referencing... but if you know what they're talking about then it all comes together. It's got maybe an overly simple hook, as far as music goes, but I think that's perfect for the theme.

Tomorrow is shaping up to be especially busy. I hope I'm able to handle it all. If possible, I want to knock out all of this week's known objectives in one day, so I can focus on catching unexpected stuff and followups for the rest of the week.

I don't have much time to blog tonight, so I want to talk about a conversation I had online with a Mormon recently, because he said something to me that made me laugh out loud while I was reading it. We were talking about whether or not a person could become a god. The conversation followed typical progression: I cited Isaiah chapters 40-50, where God says in like 20 different places, "I am the only God who exists, and there is no other god". He responded saying that "no other god" means "no other god for you". I explained how, semantically, the "for you" clause is important, and the sentence with or without it would have two very different meanings, and then I pointed out that the verses do not have that clause. Here's the thesis from his next response:

"Why kick against the pricks. Do you envy our enternal progression?  Is pride keeping you from the Church. Is pride keeping you from kneeling and asking that one true God if you can become like him?"[sic - pasted]

I've never been so amused and offended at the same time. I explained to him how the Bible gives us knowledge of God and then warns us not to accept "gods you have not known". Then I explained to him that his god is one I don't know, because his god hasn't existed for all eternity, but ascended from being a man to being a god. His god only has power over this planet, and is by no means unique. His god is incapable of generating universes ex nihilo. His god depends on actual procreation with spirit wives to generate children. His god doesn't come down and tabernacle among us and die on our behalf, but rather just lets one of us die on behalf of the rest. My God is actually eternal, having literally all power, having created literally everything and everyone by the word of his mouth, met with us on our level so that we could know him, and gave his own life for me and then brought himself back to life.

I also explained why I'm not jealous for his eternal progression. It's because (as illustrated above) my God is bigger and more powerful than his. My God is not the God of people who seek to do good only for their own gain/ascension; my God is the God of people who seek to do good because they love God and neighbor.

Ahhh... My God is the best.

"Who is this uncircumcised Philistine that he should defy the armies of the living God"

/*Commentary July 2026

This post is obviously about me being burnt out. There are some hints in here about the kind of stuff that was troubling me -- the finances not adding up, hours and hours on the phone with contractors, warrantee people, insurance, etc., stress on the marriage, lack of sleep, and so on. 

Reflecting on this highlights what might be a personal flaw in me -- that is, when I used to get stressed, I would turtle up. I didn't want to be around anyone. I don't know if I'm the same today or not; I think I like being near my family instead. 

Blogging has always been an effective way for me to blow off steam, and I can see a progression in the post, from total incapacity, to a recognition that I don't want to do the things I usually like to do, and then finally a decision to follow through with doing something I like. I still carry around a pocket notebook.

For all the lack of time and burnout, maybe it's surprising to read me planning to watch Star Trek and drink milk. This post was me planning an evening, after business hours, preparing to sleep on a cot in my office. Winding down with a ritual was very important to me back then; it's a luxury to me now, but if I get stressed enough, even if I am very tired, then I can still (albeit rarely) be found prioritizing some kind of solitary relaxation ritual (e.g. a midnight glass of milk and an episode of Star Trek) over immediate sleep.

*/

I tried to take some time today to process and prepare myself mentally for the time I've just begun to spend alone.

I feel bound up. It's like all the stuff I want and all the stuff I don't want are the same things. I spent the better part of the day frozen; my head feels like it's full of hot pudding. I got a half-hour of sleep here, a half-hour there. I hoped to catch-up today, but I definitely am not caught up on sleep yet. I guess I will need a couple of days before I feel totally prepared to do the work that needs to be done. In the meantime, I'm stuck doing that work in spite of myself.

I managed to get just a few things done today, but doing anything at all right now feels like I'm trying to knit while wearing boxing gloves. I just can't seem to acknowledge any details about what I'm doing; I only seem able to push the result and nothing else.

I think that after I've had some sleep, and spent some time recovering mentally from the emotional whirlwind that was the past two weeks, I guess I'll be able to accomplish anything. I just need a break. Just a few hours to clear my thoughts without being attacked.

I'm hoping that writing this post will help me to progress through this weird mental funk I seem to have stepped into.

Chowon has been trying to pull strings to get me a more comfortable long-term place to stay. I might have to concede to one of these places... but I don't want to, and I can't seem to articulate the reason in a way that satisfies me. I don't want to stay in a house with a married couple. I don't want to sleep on somebody's couch (I'd be more receptive to their floor). I want to be alone.

I feel extremely narrow; I can't seem to step outside of myself. I have some kind of mental tunnel-vision. For example, I've spent several years building a habit to force myself to imagine that the lives of all people around me are just as complex as mine, and normally these days I can do it without much conscious effort, but right now everything around me is a cardboard cutout, and every person lacks identity -- even the people I theoretically know. How can I go to church like this?

My plan for this evening was to pay bills, fold laundry, and watch a show (I'm still working through DS9). I paid the bills, but the numbers were confusing, and I had to add another action item to my list to call them during business hours and ask them to explain it. Speaking of which, I also need to call the people working on my house and get their explanations. I can't bring myself to start my show -- it just doesn't fit my mood, I guess. I can't think of anything that does fit my mood.... except maybe a glass of milk.

I think I'm going to buy a pocket notebook to keep my thoughts and to-do list in, just like when I was in school. TBH Idk why I stopped doing that. Unfortunately, I don't have my own space, so I can't post notes all around me like I did when I was single. For example, I didn't zip up my pants today, and I'm pretty sure I was wearing my shirt backwards -- I used to have a note for that kind of thing on the wall above my computer. Chowon didn't like the notes, but seems to enjoy reminding me of everything herself. I wouldn't mind it if she didn't use it against me when it was convenient for her. Maybe this is a good opportunity to discard that crutch in favor of a better or more self-sufficient habit.

I miss Chowon and the baby, but I'm glad I have this space to regroup.

Now that I'm thinking about it, I'm really in the mood for a glass of milk. I'm going to go buy milk and a cheap pocket notebook, and then fold laundry and watch my show.

"It seems like you found a better way."

/*

Commentary from July 2026

Confession, guys... I really like Homestuck. IDK about Homestuck 2; Vriska's "Redemption arc" is intentionally cliche? Idk if it's the kind of irony that's funny even while it's unclear whether they're serious or not. I do occasionally catch up on it, though. Like once a year I'll get the bug and go catch all the way up, then lose patience waiting for an update and forget about it.

The identity crisis I described in this post was exacerbated by my situation, but I've always been prone to identity crises. The coping method I describe, where I press on because I don't have time for emotions, is a form of retreat and turtling which is also characteristic of me. Remembering this time makes me feel some shame. I wasn't really doing very well at that time.

*/

I let myself give-in to some nostalgia this morning, watching this video:

It's time to talk a little about the situation we're in. We closed on a nice looking house. The plumbing failed, and the foundation has to be dug up to fix it. It's expensive and it's taking a lot of time. I don't want to get into the details here. This post is just to talk about how we're surviving in the meantime.

We told our pastor that we needed a place to stay for a week, and we lived there for more than a month. Our insurance got us a hotel for two weeks; it's not going to last the full duration of the repairs. I had to fight to get it to last until Chowon flies out of town. I'm sending Chowon and the baby to live with my family while I ride out the house situation. It looks like it might be another month, or maybe more before we have our own place again. I don't want to live in a house with a married couple if I can help it (i.e. my pastor's family) -- I wouldn't want to accidentally find myself alone in the house with somebody else's wife. I trust them and everything, but it's just not gentlemanly. So I asked a friend if I could move in with him, and he said no, because I need a room indefinitely for free, and he said it's not a smart idea for him. That leaves me with just a few options, and they're all fantastic adventures.

The stress has been bad for everyone. I think that Chowon and I have kept our relationship on good terms somehow, but I know that bitterness is looking for a foothold there. We both regularly make mistakes, and the stress has amplified our negativity. She doesn't handle unexpected events as well as I do. She's spent a considerable amount of energy rationalizing about who is to blame for our trouble; I haven't, so I worry that if she turns the blame cannon towards me then I won't have a good response, and I won't have the time I need to untangle things and actually demonstrate how both of us, or someone else, or everyone at once, or at least not just me, equally shares blame. Maybe we can pin all the blame on just one person, but what is there to gain from that kind of thinking? All that just increases everyone's stress without contributing to a solution. I don't like lawsuits; I don't like the law; I don't like insurance; I don't like money; I don't like blame.  Why can't everything be simple? Why don't people act with kindness and integrity?

I think that as long as we stay committed to God, and remember that our relationship can survive in spite of the stress and arguments, things will be ok. I still have my job. We can recover financially. Reconciliation is sometimes a draining process, and I don't know how prepared I am to pursue it in the short term if things get sour; we may need to have some long conversations when all this is over.

I'm sincerely excited for Chowon and the baby's trip to visit my family. It will be a good change of scenery for her; there are plenty of babysitters, my family loves her, and this will hopefully open up some other options for me to find places to stay while I ride out the process. The hard thing on my mind right now is what to do with the house long-term, how long to allow myself to be separated from Chowon, and what to do if I decide it's been too long but the house situation isn't completed yet.

I still have my job, but I don't feel like a provider. Chowon is safe, but I don't feel like a protector. Chowon is going away, so I don't think I'll be functioning as comforter. It's apparent that I didn't lead my family in a beneficial direction. In a sense, I feel like all my functions as husband are removed from me.  All my money: gone. All my work: an expensive lesson. Sometimes I feel my mind going to a troubling place where I'm not intrinsically dissociated from all of my hopes, desires, possessions and faculties. I take a deep breath, preparing to let my emotions out on exhale, but nothing comes out; only hot dry breath. I don't have time to let myself feel it. I'll process all of this when I have peace, if peace ever comes to me while I am in this body.

What is my identity apart from the roles that God has placed me in? How do I describe "who I am" without describing what I have and do? The sound of a name isn't enough to describe what a person is; I'm something other than a sound, but I seem to have forgotten what.

A recurring theme in our conversations during this process has been the story of Jonah.

Jonah and Paul both had shipwrecks (Jonah's ship wasn't wrecked, I guess; he was just thrown overboard during a storm). Jonah's storm came while he was fleeing from God's will. Paul's storm came while he was pursuing God's will. God planned and executed things out so that both of them did their work for God's glory. After the fact, Jonah said "I'm so angry I wish I were dead.", and Paul said, "I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.".

God sends rain on both, the righteous and the unrighteous. Whether we live or die, we belong to God.

When Jonah was wallowing in his anger, God sent a leafy plant to give him shade, and Jonah was comforted. Then, the very next day, God sent a worm to destroy the plant, and Jonah was miserable again. Wealth and worldly possessions - physical comforts - can be given and taken away in an instant. Our comfort, our joy, and our contentment can't come from our physical circumstances.

What was the secret of your contentment, Paul?

"I can do all this through him who gives me strength."