We told our pastor that we needed a place to stay for a week, and we lived there for more than a month. Our insurance got us a hotel for two weeks; it's not going to last the full duration of the repairs. I had to fight to get it to last until Chowon flies out of town. I'm sending Chowon and the baby to live with my family while I ride out the house situation. It looks like it might be another month, or maybe more before we have our own place again. I don't want to live in a house with a married couple if I can help it (i.e. my pastor's family) -- I wouldn't want to accidentally find myself alone in the house with somebody else's wife. I trust them and everything, but it's just not gentlemanly. So I asked a friend if I could move in with him, and he said no, because I need a room indefinitely for free, and he said it's not a smart idea for him. That leaves me with just a few options, and they're all fantastic adventures.
The stress has been bad for everyone. I think that Chowon and I have kept our relationship on good terms somehow, but I know that bitterness is looking for a foothold there. We both regularly make mistakes, and the stress has amplified our negativity. She doesn't handle unexpected events as well as I do. She's spent a considerable amount of energy rationalizing about who is to blame for our trouble; I haven't, so I worry that if she turns the blame cannon towards me then I won't have a good response, and I won't have the time I need to untangle things and actually demonstrate how both of us, or someone else, or everyone at once, or at least not just me, equally shares blame. Maybe we can pin all the blame on just one person, but what is there to gain from that kind of thinking? All that just increases everyone's stress without contributing to a solution. I don't like lawsuits; I don't like the law; I don't like insurance; I don't like money; I don't like blame. Why can't everything be simple? Why don't people act with kindness and integrity?
I think that as long as we stay committed to God, and remember that our relationship can survive in spite of the stress and arguments, things will be ok. I still have my job. We can recover financially. Reconciliation is sometimes a draining process, and I don't know how prepared I am to pursue it in the short term if things get sour; we may need to have some long conversations when all this is over.
I'm sincerely excited for Chowon and the baby's trip to visit my family. It will be a good change of scenery for her; there are plenty of babysitters, my family loves her, and this will hopefully open up some other options for me to find places to stay while I ride out the process. The hard thing on my mind right now is what to do with the house long-term, how long to allow myself to be separated from Chowon, and what to do if I decide it's been too long but the house situation isn't completed yet.
I still have my job, but I don't feel like a provider. Chowon is safe, but I don't feel like a protector. Chowon is going away, so I don't think I'll be functioning as comforter. It's apparent that I didn't lead my family in a beneficial direction. In a sense, I feel like all my functions as husband are removed from me. All my money: gone. All my work: an expensive lesson. Sometimes I feel my mind going to a troubling place where I'm not intrinsically dissociated from all of my hopes, desires, possessions and faculties. I take a deep breath, preparing to let my emotions out on exhale, but nothing comes out; only hot dry breath. I don't have time to let myself feel it. I'll process all of this when I have peace, if peace ever comes to me while I am in this body.
What is my identity apart from the roles that God has placed me in? How do I describe "who I am" without describing what I have and do? The sound of a name isn't enough to describe what a person is; I'm something other than a sound, but I seem to have forgotten what.
A recurring theme in our conversations during this process has been the story of Jonah.
Jonah and Paul both had shipwrecks (Jonah's ship wasn't wrecked, I guess; he was just thrown overboard during a storm). Jonah's storm came while he was fleeing from God's will. Paul's storm came while he was pursuing God's will. God planned and executed things out so that both of them did their work for God's glory. After the fact, Jonah said "I'm so angry I wish I were dead.", and Paul said, "I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.".
God sends rain on both, the righteous and the unrighteous. Whether we live or die, we belong to God.
When Jonah was wallowing in his anger, God sent a leafy plant to give him shade, and Jonah was comforted. Then, the very next day, God sent a worm to destroy the plant, and Jonah was miserable again. Wealth and worldly possessions - physical comforts - can be given and taken away in an instant. Our comfort, our joy, and our contentment can't come from our physical circumstances.
What was the secret of your contentment, Paul?
"I can do all this through him who gives me strength."
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