I was listening to some sad music today, and I guess it got me feeling dramatic... I wrote this, and I thought immediately afterward, "there's no way I can post it. People will get the wrong idea". But, the thought of not getting this out and away from me is actually really difficult for me to handle. Just remember,  it's prose, ok? It's not for anyone else that I write this blog; I write these posts just for me. Putting my thoughts in public like this means, to me, that my thoughts are not hidden, and so I can finally let them go. Just, nobody read this and then come asking me "Zac are you ok?", as that would drive me absolutely crazy.

"
God, thank you for the heartache.
Thank you for the pain.
Thank you for every lost moment.
Thank you for fear and hiding.
Thank you for the sudden panic, the worry.
Thank you for the terror that won't stop coming,
The thoughts I can't stop having.
Thank you for the headaches,
The tears that won't come no matter how much I want them,
The plans that can't be kept,
The loss and confusion,
The change I see in myself,
The change I hate,
The change I want,
The change I can't have.
Thank you for the hope, endless;
Always hoping, because we haven't yet received.
Thank you, God, for the trust I can't stop carrying.
Thank you for giving me no other choice.
Thank you for not letting me see any other possible vantage point.
Thank you for not letting me know the future, or even the present.
Thank you for covering me in this blanket,
And for the tears that won't stop coming,
The ache in our backs,
The constant discomfort,
The little things that keep me gasping for air in a world of bigger troubles.
Thank you for showing me over and over that there are much worse things that could happen,
And in showing me, increasing my sorrow, and my longing.
Thank you for reminding me that I am cared for,
And for making it confusing, who it is that cares on earth.
Thank you for showing me that you are the only one reliable.
Thank you for the constant spinning, the betrayal, the lost expectations.
Thank you for the sickness, the weakness, the injury, the curse.
Thank you, God, because what I want is for good to happen,
And I know that you have planned all this for your glory.
"

"Like one who takes away a garment on a cold day, or like vinegar poured on a wound, is one who sings songs to a heavy heart." (Prov 25:20)