I tried to take some time today to process and prepare myself mentally for the time I've just begun to spend alone.

I feel bound up. It's like all the stuff I want and all the stuff I don't want are the same things. I spent the better part of the day frozen; my head feels like it's full of hot pudding. I got a half-hour of sleep here, a half-hour there. I hoped to catch-up today, but I definitely am not caught up on sleep yet. I guess I will need a couple of days before I feel totally prepared to do the work that needs to be done. In the meantime, I'm stuck doing that work in spite of myself.

I managed to get just a few things done today, but doing anything at all right now feels like I'm trying to knit while wearing boxing gloves. I just can't seem to acknowledge any details about what I'm doing; I only seem able to push the result and nothing else.

I think that after I've had some sleep, and spent some time recovering mentally from the emotional whirlwind that was the past two weeks, I guess I'll be able to accomplish anything. I just need a break. Just a few hours to clear my thoughts without being attacked.

I'm hoping that writing this post will help me to progress through this weird mental funk I seem to have stepped into.

Chowon has been trying to pull strings to get me a more comfortable long-term place to stay. I might have to concede to one of these places... but I don't want to, and I can't seem to articulate the reason in a way that satisfies me. I don't want to stay in a house with a married couple. I don't want to sleep on somebody's couch (I'd be more receptive to their floor). I want to be alone.

I feel extremely narrow; I can't seem to step outside of myself. I have some kind of mental tunnel-vision. For example, I've spent several years building a habit to force myself to imagine that the lives of all people around me are just as complex as mine, and normally these days I can do it without much conscious effort, but right now everything around me is a cardboard cutout, and every person lacks identity -- even the people I theoretically know. How can I go to church like this?

My plan for this evening was to pay bills, fold laundry, and watch a show (I'm still working through DS9). I paid the bills, but the numbers were confusing, and I had to add another action item to my list to call them during business hours and ask them to explain it. Speaking of which, I also need to call the people working on my house and get their explanations. I can't bring myself to start my show -- it just doesn't fit my mood, I guess. I can't think of anything that does fit my mood.... except maybe a glass of milk.

I think I'm going to buy a pocket notebook to keep my thoughts and to-do list in, just like when I was in school. TBH Idk why I stopped doing that. Unfortunately, I don't have my own space, so I can't post notes all around me like I did when I was single. For example, I didn't zip up my pants today, and I'm pretty sure I was wearing my shirt backwards -- I used to have a note for that kind of thing on the wall above my computer. Chowon didn't like the notes, but seems to enjoy reminding me of everything herself. I wouldn't mind it if she didn't use it against me when it was convenient for her. Maybe this is a good opportunity to discard that crutch in favor of a better or more self-sufficient habit.

I miss Chowon and the baby, but I'm glad I have this space to regroup.

Now that I'm thinking about it, I'm really in the mood for a glass of milk. I'm going to go buy milk and a cheap pocket notebook, and then fold laundry and watch my show.

"It seems like you found a better way."