/*Commentary July 2026

This post is obviously about me being burnt out. There are some hints in here about the kind of stuff that was troubling me -- the finances not adding up, hours and hours on the phone with contractors, warrantee people, insurance, etc., stress on the marriage, lack of sleep, and so on. 

Reflecting on this highlights what might be a personal flaw in me -- that is, when I used to get stressed, I would turtle up. I didn't want to be around anyone. I don't know if I'm the same today or not; I think I like being near my family instead. 

Blogging has always been an effective way for me to blow off steam, and I can see a progression in the post, from total incapacity, to a recognition that I don't want to do the things I usually like to do, and then finally a decision to follow through with doing something I like. I still carry around a pocket notebook.

For all the lack of time and burnout, maybe it's surprising to read me planning to watch Star Trek and drink milk. This post was me planning an evening, after business hours, preparing to sleep on a cot in my office. Winding down with a ritual was very important to me back then; it's a luxury to me now, but if I get stressed enough, even if I am very tired, then I can still (albeit rarely) be found prioritizing some kind of solitary relaxation ritual (e.g. a midnight glass of milk and an episode of Star Trek) over immediate sleep.

*/

I tried to take some time today to process and prepare myself mentally for the time I've just begun to spend alone.

I feel bound up. It's like all the stuff I want and all the stuff I don't want are the same things. I spent the better part of the day frozen; my head feels like it's full of hot pudding. I got a half-hour of sleep here, a half-hour there. I hoped to catch-up today, but I definitely am not caught up on sleep yet. I guess I will need a couple of days before I feel totally prepared to do the work that needs to be done. In the meantime, I'm stuck doing that work in spite of myself.

I managed to get just a few things done today, but doing anything at all right now feels like I'm trying to knit while wearing boxing gloves. I just can't seem to acknowledge any details about what I'm doing; I only seem able to push the result and nothing else.

I think that after I've had some sleep, and spent some time recovering mentally from the emotional whirlwind that was the past two weeks, I guess I'll be able to accomplish anything. I just need a break. Just a few hours to clear my thoughts without being attacked.

I'm hoping that writing this post will help me to progress through this weird mental funk I seem to have stepped into.

Chowon has been trying to pull strings to get me a more comfortable long-term place to stay. I might have to concede to one of these places... but I don't want to, and I can't seem to articulate the reason in a way that satisfies me. I don't want to stay in a house with a married couple. I don't want to sleep on somebody's couch (I'd be more receptive to their floor). I want to be alone.

I feel extremely narrow; I can't seem to step outside of myself. I have some kind of mental tunnel-vision. For example, I've spent several years building a habit to force myself to imagine that the lives of all people around me are just as complex as mine, and normally these days I can do it without much conscious effort, but right now everything around me is a cardboard cutout, and every person lacks identity -- even the people I theoretically know. How can I go to church like this?

My plan for this evening was to pay bills, fold laundry, and watch a show (I'm still working through DS9). I paid the bills, but the numbers were confusing, and I had to add another action item to my list to call them during business hours and ask them to explain it. Speaking of which, I also need to call the people working on my house and get their explanations. I can't bring myself to start my show -- it just doesn't fit my mood, I guess. I can't think of anything that does fit my mood.... except maybe a glass of milk.

I think I'm going to buy a pocket notebook to keep my thoughts and to-do list in, just like when I was in school. TBH Idk why I stopped doing that. Unfortunately, I don't have my own space, so I can't post notes all around me like I did when I was single. For example, I didn't zip up my pants today, and I'm pretty sure I was wearing my shirt backwards -- I used to have a note for that kind of thing on the wall above my computer. Chowon didn't like the notes, but seems to enjoy reminding me of everything herself. I wouldn't mind it if she didn't use it against me when it was convenient for her. Maybe this is a good opportunity to discard that crutch in favor of a better or more self-sufficient habit.

I miss Chowon and the baby, but I'm glad I have this space to regroup.

Now that I'm thinking about it, I'm really in the mood for a glass of milk. I'm going to go buy milk and a cheap pocket notebook, and then fold laundry and watch my show.

"It seems like you found a better way."