Last night a church caught on fire a few blocks away, and whenever we talk about it or see the smoke, the air around us becomes thick and awkward, like we know we should act and feel reverent but we are unaccustomed to the touch of it. Some people know that they should feel reverent and know, in an exaggerated sense, what reverence and honor looks like, so they act it out. Some of them are completely honest with themselves. I wonder what am I? I don't know what reverence and honor look like in this situation, but I definitely feel disheartened by the loss of that church, except that God allowed it for a reason.

I've been going to a church lately where I am one of just a few members, and the only people who seem to come every Sunday are the pastor and his wife. They say sometimes they preach to just angels and each other, and then sometimes they teach only me. Their lessons are rock solid so far (give or take matters of opinion which I hold to be irrelevant even to interpretation of scripture, such as upholding traditions like teaching each new member their mission statement or stuff like that.

My hand aches with certain motions of my thumb. I hope it isn't permanent. I'm getting so old.

I used to swim a lot. I should start again.

The question has been on my mind lately what God does when we (Christians) sin. Does he forgive us immediately and then move on and forget it? Does he remember it to remind you of it on the day of judgement (even though you will not be eternally damned)? Does he slap his forehead and say "don't do that again"? Does he punish us on earth using odd circumstances?

Somedays I wonder if I should delete all of Lani's contact information or not. I said I would, but when we were going to meet she asked me politely to reconsider. Part of me hopes I am never put in close enough proximity to have to pursue a real friendship with her. Then another part of me knows that if she tried hard, I would give in and forget... but that she won't do that. And another part of me would help her with any problem she came to me for help with, whether I had deleted her or not. I can't seem to separate the feelings hurt and malice. And even moreso I cannot feel good about it, even though I have forgiven her over and over. I think that if I consider the feelings closely and separate them in my mind and my emotions, it will enable me to...to....idk..., but the practice will also help me to forgive in the future.

"My face has changed, but you know it's me. You know by the stillness in my eyes. Come and whisper in my ear, 'My dear, it'll be alright.' You're lying! But I don't mind tonight."