Thursday, October 27, 2011

So I talked to Chowon about pledging and we agreed that I aught to quit... but then when I went to the house and told them about me quitting, they told me that it was ending soon and they said that since they don't want me to fail my classes and they really want me in the house, they would cut me tons of slack. They made pledging this Wednesday super easy, so I had some extra time to work on some signatures.

Sometimes I worry about Chowon's voice. It's taken me a while to decide for sure that something's on her mind. I know it's nothing that I have to worry about, except that it bothers her, which shouldn't happen to my girlfriend. I worry sometimes that my senses are dulled by my own stress, and I want to be attentive to her emotional state.

I'm not naturally empathetic, but I can actually specifically remember deciding to look for patterns in behavior and I can remember the psychological journey of finding them and adapting to them for the betterment of myself and the people around me. In short, after a few years of repeating a behavior it becomes natural, but some things never become a part of you; and if you pretend too much it is literally possible to forget who you are. It takes extra focus for me to notice her thoughts, because she is from a different culture than me. I've decided that our cultural differences excuse blunt questions like "What are you thinking about?" and "What does that face mean?" which make for a better relationship, but I feel like they make for awkward conversation sometimes. The cultural differences also force me to ignore cultural presuppositions which might hinder my interpretation of her personality -- IMO allowing for a more pure affection. The experience here, with a purely emotional (conversation and punctuality being the only things evaluated) relationship, has been and will help me to grow a lot..... I won't be able to talk to her this Saturday and it makes me sad, but it's the last weekend. Soon, everything will be better.

I could just die thinking about data structures. My plan for tomorrow revolves around me getting no more than 8 hours of sleep. It's very important that I don't sleep so much that I can't wake. However, I should sleep extra tomorrow night, because Friday is a big day.

"So sorry..."

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