I wrote this poem just now. Had a stroke of inspiration and couldn't help myself. I think I'm the next Walt Whitman. 

the trees are...

green like my sweater

yellow like my grandpa's teeth

orange like a burning house

pink like the eyes of every kid in the pool

red like your blood

brown like poop

that's right

poop

Pretty good, huh? I'm diggin the free verse style right now. You know what else should be free? Coffee.

Speaking of free, Thanksgiving is tomorrow. Happy Thanksgiving, all. This is a short [incomplete] list of stuff I'm thankful for (in order of increasing textual length using the blog input font):

life

God

food

blogs

piano

music

family

shelter

school

friends

Nutella

literacy

Chowon

the Bible

and more!

computers

notebooks

logic/reason

Speer Chapel

feelings/emotions

beauty(in general)

Strong Bad's Time Machine

Hope you all have a great weekend. Feel free to let me know what you're thankful for. If your list is as long as mine, you can bet I won't be reading/listening for most of it.

"We are getting gas; we're giving spare change to the homeless; we are watching television; we are not watching the signs."

I'm in such a bad mood lately. I really don't know what it is, but I've noticed it for the past like 3 or 4 days.

I'm having a hard time telling the difference between wisdom and cynicism. I'm having a hard time determining my place in my environment. I'm struggling to determine what is acceptable.

For some reason I can no longer interpret my friends' actions easily. Nothing is serious or straightforward, everything is sarcastic, nothing is positive, everything is a waste of time and energy. I want to talk to someone who tells me their feelings openly and straightforwardly so that I don't have to guess. I want to have a simple friendship. I want a place where I can go and watch a beautiful view without interruption -- and a friend who can sit there with me, drink soda, and read a book or simply know that God is God, without being worried about entertaining each other or thinking "is this person bored or unhappy?"

I wanna sit on the side of a mountain and quietly watch clouds for a couple hours without wondering what homework is due.

I wanna go to work and receive simple and clear instructions from my boss without sarcasm from my coworkers. Am I naive and oblivious, or are they not serious? I honestly don't know these days. Who am I supposed to be at LeTourneau? What is expected of me as a person?

It would be much easier if people treated me as the person who they wanted me to be, so I would know exactly the best way to act for the benefit of everyone... but am I asking to be manipulated? Can I be content with what I am given? Who am I, really?

I need a confidant... I need a break from LeTourneau... I need Christmas break...

"Scratches around the lock"

God is so good to me. When I am depressed, he lifts me up. When I need comfort, he's there for me.

Thanks, God...

I was thinking recently... I never really understood what people meant when they talked about "buckets" with reference to love in relationships. "Filling someone's bucket" always seemed like such a silly or childish concept to me. However, recently the idea took on meaning for me in a new way. Love can be tiring, because in a sense it is almost a direct attempt to give energy to the recipient. If it is not reciprocated, it can be draining -- but keeping a relationship alive is not as simple as just "reciprocating". Love requires some learning on the part of the donor, and needs to be given in the way that is best received by the recipient, or else the transfer of love will be inefficient. If it's done very well then you can end up with more love than when you started -- which is kindof incredible from a purely technical standpoint. Where does this extra love come from? Well... I actually wrote a semi-long examination of this subject, but then I realized... this isn't gonna work out unless the work is comprehensive... and a thorough explanation has already been written elsewhere... I guess the short answer is that we are able to love because God first loved us. For someone elses sake I'll keep the rest of this in a draft.

"I guess... I don't get to have a confidant anymore."

So for the past week or two I've been listening to the same music whenever I do my homework.

... I was presently trying to figure out if I could make a link to it via Pandora...

Anyway, I've been listening to either a Nujabes mix that I made or a channel on Pandora with Nujabes and Psyche Origami whenever I do my homework, to see if I could train myself to do homework when I hear the music.

Today I think I've begun to see evidence that my plan is working. Listening to Nujabes I was able to get a huge assignment done that took me a few long hours, and I was thinking, "I'm doing well, I'll do one more!" but then I took my headphones off and as soon as I stepped into the living room to get my backpack I lost all motivation.

I didn't put the music back on for fear I'd gain motivation again. I should just take a break and then get to bed early tonight. It's been a rough week work-wise.

"Hashtag... SpaceCadet"

Just a few more days before this paper is due. I finally finished reading the horrible chapter I'm gonna write about, and I've outlined half of my summary of it. I figure the summary will be about 6 pages, littered with comments about the material, and then my analysis will cover the last two. Honestly I don't know how I am gonna approach analyzing this chapter, because I more-or-less agree with all of it, and I'm pretty sure I can sum up the whole thing in a few short sentences (or, if I wanted to include all his points and sources, I could at least cut the length of the chapter in 1/4).

Listening to the next great video from HDJRII. I really like his videos, they've got lots of practical wisdom, and they're presented by someone quite eccentric... which keeps it interesting :D

It's about how it's better not insult people, and he makes the point that the only reason you'd ever insult anyone is due to your own ignorance -- even if you're completely right. I should listen to his advice.

My suite-mate clogged the toilet and we can't get it unclogged.... it's pretty bad, and it smells quite awful. My roommate is mad at his life. His ex girlfriend and his school are troublesome to him.

These days I want to talk to Chowon all the time. I've wondered if I'm maybe a little bit too clingy. I decided, for today, to simmer down and give her phone a break. I have to think deeply about the future, after all. I've been praying about it.

I have to get to bed now :/

"In a prison in Europe, where two Jews who had been 'severely flogged' sang a hymn."

Abbey Jeske's sister came to school today. She composes music for piano. I tried to plan to listen to some of her work, but my plans fell through. I was thinking recently about hearing music and knowing people. That is, I listen to music by people I don't know, and it is simply either music I like or music I don't like. Sometimes it's music that makes a point or makes me think about something, but my attitude toward the music is very selfish.

If I knew the artists personally; if I were friends with them, then the music becomes an extension of their personality. If I listen to a composure, I can envision a world of emotions going on inside that person that reflects indirectly every aspect of their upbringing in such ways as cannot be expressed with words. Therefore these days I am fascinated with music written by people I can meet casually.

Chowon seems so busy these days. When she is like this I get a little worried about her. Hopefully God will keep holding her up and blessing her family.

I'm trying really hard to focus on my work, but I'm simply not interested in the writing style of this author. He repeats himself over and over with different wordings. This chapter is really really long.

...

I'm so under attack by the devil right now. I should go work on this homework in Ben's room.

"Remind my soul of a time before the self-hate."

Just listened to this song.

It exemplifies a popular worldview, wherein you're not thinking for yourself until you deny what you've been taught and rethink reality. I've seen this worldview misused, but the idea is very valuable. I've heard several times from atheists or even Unitarians or agnostics, that phrase, "I started thinking for myself..." '..and realized that God and heaven and hell are man-made; that heaven is a way of life, and that hell is what you make of it.'

The lyrics surprised me because he introduces that sentiment by saying that he realizes this "meaning" when he sees people praying open-heartedly to God.

It strikes me initially as really twisted. However, I think it is potentially an important question for people to ask themselves: "am I thinking for myself". And even the writer of this song; is he thinking for himself? or is he just rebelling against his former way of thinking, because it was taught to him and not discovered by him.

So then we arrive here: why would your parents teach you something false? I suppose there are a few possible reasons:
-They were also deceived by their parents (this one doesn't really count, because it's recursive)
-They are "mindless" trend followers (at least moreso than you)
-They were tricked by someone else (who was greedy, because it's the only nonrecursive explanation. Good thing you saw through it)
-They experienced something anomalous to make them think it was true
-They just wanted to lie to you
-You misunderstood them.

Before I continue, I want to make a distinction between wisdom and intelligence. Wisdom is practical and experiential knowledge -- it's often gained via mistakes, yours or others, but requires acknowledgement of the mistake and an active decision to learn from the mistake. Intelligence is trade-related aptitude and can be more-or-less learned in school.

I'm gonna generalize that in the vast majority of families, parents (and older people in general) are more wise than younger people. Also, I'm going to generalize that until a certain amount of wisdom is gained, most people don't realize that they are not wise, and therefore don't realize that their parents are more wise than them.

Up next, let's know that adopting a religion is a big choice. It has never been a small one. That is, challenging religion is by no means a "new" idea. People have been skeptical of every religion ever always. Hence many wars. Therefore, the parents (or their parents, or their grandparents as the case may be) probably put lots of thought into their decision to adopt a religion.

Honestly, I'd also say that in most cases, a parent won't just lie to their kids about this kind of thing, and they won't talk in riddles about heaven to trick their kid. If a kid asks for an egg, will his dad give him a scorpion? No, no, parents -generally- want their kids to grow up to be healthy and successful.

So that said, I think it's more likely that they experienced something to make them think it is true. I'll admit, "more likely" doesn't really count for much; and the "you're not thinking for yourself" argument basically debunks everything I'll every say because my parents are Christian.

Well, I suppose the most important thing here is: if you're really gonna throw everything out (so you can "think for yourself") and rethink your worldview, then make sure you throw everything out -- even down to "Do I exist?" "Why/how would anything exist?" "Am I able to think?" and "What the hell, if anything, is going on if I can't think?" I say this because unless you're willing or able to dump everything, then you run the risk of assuming something important is true or false without proof that it is true or false.

If that statement is true, then a foundational principle of the song (mentioned in the first paragraph) is baseless -- because as soon as he starts thinking for himself he adopts a new pre-wrapped worldview.

The fact is, though, you really can't dump everything. Descartes tried, and kept a record, and he's probably the most successful example who didn't start by killing himself (quickest way to find out for sure).

I suppose a fan of the music might be saying: "you're missing the point of the song. It's just supposed to be encouraging". If the encouragement is based on lies then it's setting people up for disappointment when/if they find out the truth.

"And you came here with nothing, and you'll leave here with nothing, so retreat from the world of deceitfulness"

I had Little Ben review my present. He's always surprising me with his insight, despite his age ... (even though, for some reason he plays his music overtop of Ben's, which I thought was a violation of universal good-roommate code.)

Anyway, his review of the present was awesomely productive. He was able to cut through the flaws and find deeper meanings in the larger parts. I'm sure if he had more time to examine it he'd completely decipher my work. I know roughly how I will revise it now and I'm confident in it's presentability -- although I think I maybe should introduce it first...

Many thanks to Little Ben.

Now to work on presents for the rest of the family... But what? I don't think I can (or have time to) make things for them as good as what I made for Chowon.

Today I kinda wrecked my car... but Phillip was here to be a blessing to me, and I got my suit with his car. God, please bless Phillip for his kindness.

I also decided on a plan-of-attack for Biblical Mission: I know how I will approach the rest of the class from here out. ;)

These days sometimes I catch myself worrying about my life. Everything is fragile, and if I try to fix all the things that break I won't have time for school.

What I have to do is remember my testimony and my role. I can't fix everything and everyone. The spiritual warfare around me is proof that God exists and that the devil wants me to forget it. I'm like a person walking on a long dry road, with sandy gusts of wind getting in my eyes. My stuff doesn't last forever, and it may come and go in quick succession. I just have to blink it out focus on the road. My role is to do school. If my car breaks; if my speakers break; if my books get wet and become unreadable; those things are just sandy gusts of wind, and school is the road.

These days, when I listen to music, I am easily swayed by the mood of the music. Happy music just makes me love the whole world, and sad music makes me a little depressed. Is that a bad thing?

"See you on the other side."

Finished my present for Chowon today, but then I realized that it isn't very romantic.
The meanings behind each part are hard to articulate, and I'm afraid they are easy to misinterpret. Parts of it are out of place, and parts of it are just too perfect to change. Like the emotion in it is all wrong, it's happy sometimes and sad other times, which is cool, but I can't tell if it is predominantly happy enough. I was aiming for intensity, but I think I maybe hit a different kind of intensity than I was aiming for. Idk, some parts of it are really good. Maybe it just needs more work. I'm gonna diagram it from the bottom up and try to categorize it and make sense of it. Maybe I'll make another...

Lots of work to do these days. Homework is kinda crazy. I'm nervous about this semester, but I'm also confident in my ability to do well in any class if I just had time for it. I cleaned up my schedule a little bit. Hopefully it'll be good :)

I didn't turn in a time card for the work I did for Dr. Graff. Idk, I enjoy that work a lot and at this point I don't really care about the pay. Maybe I'll never turn one in for these hours. I hope it doesn't get him or me in trouble if I do that.

I have to write this essay before bed~~~~~~

Ok, Zac. Focus!


"Fly like an arrow from God."

Talked to Chowon today. It was nice^^ like usual.

A day or two ago an acquaintance of mine came up to me while I was reading and asked what I was reading and almost immediately turned the conversation kindof deep, like as in talking about the difference between NT and OT God. To be honest, the conversation made me kindof uncomfortable, like I was shy about sharing my thoughts on anything deep with this person who I didn't know very well -- or maybe I was just unprepared for it -- but it made me feel like he must think I'm not very deep for not putting up much conversation. Is that a normal thing? to have levels of impersonal depth that you don't cross with people? I guess so, like I wouldn't want to offend someone I don't know with my beliefs. hmmm..

These days I feel like I'm not good for much but school. I distract myself with library books now and then, but I have been trying as much as possible to embrace the mindset I'm in when I'm solving electronics problems and fitting equations to graphs. Now I wonder if that's ok for me to do. I have to be careful not to neglect humans.

Oh! I just remembered that thing I wanted to talk to Chowon about! ㅋㅋㅋ  oh well, it can wait.

Back to school. Lots to think about this semester. I'm not gonna make much money this year, because work hours have been cut back to like... 14/wk. Lets see... 14*8.50=119/wk ... *15wks = 1785. I will make approximately $1785 this semester, not including expenses.

Today was communion. Sometimes I don't know how to feel when I'm taking it. That is, should I feel super remorseful, or should I feel happy that my sins are forgiven? What does reverence feel like? Then, whenever I start asking myself those questions, I start to think: "maybe I should be asking 'who should I be when I take communion?' instead of 'how should I feel?'" But then... what are the implications of that? Essentially that I'm not that person when I'm not taking communion, right? ... Well, the person I should be when I'm taking communion is the same type of person I should be all the time. But what is my problem that keeps me from being a perfect Christian if it is what I really want to be? What is the glitch in my thought process that keeps me from reaching the fullest potential of my relationship with Christ? Sometimes I wish that someone would come up and tell me exactly what it is, but how would I respond if they did?

Idk. I'm so tired.

Today I saw a girl at LeTU who looked a lot like Chowon from a certain angle. Like, behind and a little to the side. She had long, straight, black hair; she was about Chowon's height and was thin and had Chowon's forward posture; and from that angle it seemed that the shape of her Cheekbones was similar to Chowon's. For a moment I hoped against reason, so strongly, that she would turn around and be Chowon, that I almost believed it would be her. Like as if she came here to surprise me and was being taken around by some LeTourneau students I didn't know. I could see her in my mind, turning her head and smiling at me beautifully with the sun skimming her hair and face. Nevertheless, she turned around and was not Chowon at all. For just an instant I was really let-down, but then I checked myself and thought how ridiculous it was to think she was here. It made me miss Chowon a lot.

"Rosin Flux is the only type you should use for this kind of work."

Bought Chowon's ticket :D It's so good to have that out of the way. I still have some money left over.

Chowon and I have been talking a lot these days. I wish we had this kind of contact during the school year when we are apart, too. I hope we can keep it up.

I got Minecraft, and I am learning redstone so it's pretty cool. I think I want another monitor....

Just watched the first episode of Psych. It was interesting -- very funny. I wonder how possible it is to make a person like that (as a parent to a child) while keeping a good relationship with them.

I got a new notebook, too. Excited to write in it :) Only one note so far.

I feel like I have fewer questions these days, because it seems as though none of the deepest questions really matter. Take, for example, the origin and reason for our existence. Who was there when the earth was created? We can scour the universe for evidence, measure the substance of every rock on the planet, and carefully sort every organism by its genotype, but we will still have just theories. Those theories will carry no more weight than 'creation' for those who don't believe, and besides, creation fits all of the theories anyway.

If it is imaginable, it is measurable. Just because something has a measurable probability doesn't mean it is possible, and even things with a probability of 1 have failed. Therefore we have people like Stephen Hawking who waste their lives disparately looking for an explanation of the universe which doesn't need God. Say he finds one that satisfies him: religious types will still believe their religions. There are no atheist prophets or missionaries. If an atheist is truly an atheist then his ideologies dictate that he must not care about the existence of religion inasmuch as religion doesn't hurt him (or his kids if you wanna argue that atheists can religiously care about the continuance of their seed). Because if there is no God then successful reproduction is philosophically our only reason for living, and happiness (esp in its most intense form, which most easily leads us to drugs and sex... right?) is our only reason for staying alive. Therefore if an atheist actively attacks any peaceful or local religion, then he must have reason to believe that his happiness depends directly or indirectly on thoughts which other people have about things which pertain not to him -- but that is illogical. [For my purposes, the Christian church has not always been peaceful, but I think its safe to say that it has been ever since Protestantism became acknowledged by the Catholics. It's not worth arguing for this point. Sorry if you had a bad experience with a Christian, but try a church in another town... or take a tally of churches who are out for your blood and churches who are kind to you and prove me wrong.]

There are much greater nuisances which a person can care to remove from his life as a whole than a religious person trying to witness to him, unless he doesn't like to think about why he's alive or what's going to happen when he dies -- in which case he's probably already depressed, especially if he's trying to fight the religion to solve this problem. It's a failing strategy for achieving happiness, and it's a weird way to gain a partner to keep your genes in the pool.

Allow me to propose a different explanation for this odd trend: transference, projection, conviction, denial, or any combination of the above. Atheists fight Christianity just because "they don't like it".

Wow I got really off topic...

Anyway the point was gonna be that even if you prove one way or another about the way the earth was made, nothing about the way you live your life is gonna change.

Wow, it's getting really late and I'm really tired. Night~

"Don't give me no lip."

Chowon is back from Malaysia :)

These days I nervously wonder what I will do when school starts.

I want to take some marriage counselling, so I can know what to think about, what to be ready for, and how to be when the time comes.

Sometimes I have really great ideas of stuff to do, and sometimes I don't.

Expunction is on its way. That's comforting :)

Not really much else to write about. I think I've been able to express most of my thoughts verbally to people these days, so there's nothing that I want to blog now...

Oh well.

"I love you"

Chowon should get back sometime this week. She hasn't turned her phone back on yet. I'm not sure of the exact date when she gets back. Could be in a couple days ....

Today I attended a church service where the pastor preached on "believing for" things. He basically said that if you "believe" completely that God is gonna do something, then God will do it. I don't think I like that kind of theology. It takes the power out of God's hands and puts us in The Matrix. If I pray for something and God says "no" it's not because I didn't believe hard enough.

In Mark 9, Jesus cast out a demon which the disciples couldn't cast out. They definitely believed 100% that they would be able to because they had been doing it all day. Jesus told them "this kind can come out only by prayer and fasting". The disciples had lots of belief, but they still couldn't get what they wanted.

There's no formula for getting what you want from God all the time. Prayer with belief doesn't guarantee a yes or even a clear answer at all. Sometimes you just have to keep asking until you get it, like the woman in Matthew 15 who had to ask several times before her daughter was cured. I imagine, sometimes if you are asking for something God doesn't want to give, you may ask over and over forever and not get it: like me and 500 trillion dollars.

However, James 1 tells us that we shouldn't pray if we have doubt, because we won't get it. If that is the case, is it the same as doubt if we wonder: "will God say yes or no?" or "what if God says no?" or "God might say no, so I should prepare for that."?  No.

Asking yourself those questions isn't doubt. The belief we should have is that if God wills something, then it will be done exactly as God wills it.

Like the guy in Matthew 8, who says "Lord, if you are willing, you can make me clean". God was willing even though the man gave him a choice, and Jesus cleared up his leprosy.  Also, Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, before they were thrown into the fire, said "... [God] will deliver us from your Majesty's hand, but even if He doesn't ...". They left room for God to have his will even if it wasn't theirs. They believed that God **could** save them and they believed that God would make the best decision even if it wasn't what they wanted. God saved them even though they might not have believed 100% that he was going to, because they believed that God could do it and that God loved them and cares for his servants and for the greatest good.

All that to say that if God doesn't answer your prayer, it's not necessarily because you didn't believe hard enough. Also, even if you believe 100%, it doesn't mean that you are going to get your way all the time.

We should let God know our prayers, but we should also tell God that his will should be done above ours.

"I listen to our blood run side by side."

I've all but finished the song tonight. In the end I wasn't able to include Beginner's Falafel or the Jenova Theme song (idk if Jenova Theme was in my list earlier, but it was in the works....). Also I included a couple extra quotes from Advent Children -- the same scene. They were "I've thought of a wonderful gift for you." and "I pity you. You just don't get it at all". There's just one transition I can't seem to get right, and I had to slow down Southern Cross to *nearly* unacceptable levels. Too slow and it wouldn't do that piano part justice at all. At this time, the song is about 152 seconds long.

The lawyer wants 850$ up front for expunction. Accusations are so expensive... I need to be sure that I will be able to get this money and still have enough... oh money.....

So matter is as of yet unproveable... right? Then what does that make us? Ambiguity hurtling through nothingness.

Oddly satisfying to think of it that way.

I was thinking earlier... I've covered in my blog: what's worth living for? what's worth dying for? what's the meaning of life? what's wrong with the church, and how can we justify going to church (can we look past the hate in some churches to find the good in Christianity)? what does it mean to love someone, and when is it ok to say so? can I know myself? and some other topics. What I haven't covered (or decided on), but would like to think through at some point is: What can be practically done to fix the church? What is worth working hard on? and Who is it ok to give everything to (besides... God...)?

I won't allow myself to spend the time on those tonight... maybe when I have more time and nothing to wake up for. I've been awfully tired the past few weeks, even though I've had good food and good rest for the most part.

Chowon comes back in a week. I'm excited, but I really want to do something special. I just can't think of anything.... ...Oh I have an idea :) I hope I will find the time for it and not screw it up. ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ

Been working on a couple projects these days. I'm trying to figure out C# with as little copy/pasting from other people as possible. If I make any progress at all on this game, then I will feel good about putting C# on my resume. (and hopefully my idea might catch on and become a more widely used genre^^)

Listening to this song right now

I like it much better than the We Came As Romans cover, although I don't really like the "woowowooo blecccck" screaming at 1:22.

Working on a mashup, too. This one is much better than all my previous mashups so far. Maybe good enough to show friends even. I'm not using Audacity as much this time, and I've finally figured out tuning and stretching haha. Here's the song list: (*songs not yet mashed in)

Song -- Band
Askew -- Solcofn
Painful Epic -- Le Jad
Japanese Hardcore -- DJ technorch (second half)
Rise of the Virals -- WFAH
Theme from Tron 105 --Carl Walters
Queen of Sorrow -- Renard
Exrhathmica -- Renard
Cherry Bon Bon Remix -- idk who made this one. Original song by Kyarypamyupamyu
Way Way Mega Mix -- Kyarypamyupamyu (just the midi part in the middle)
The Clockmaker -- Vexare*
Southern Cross -- 403 forbiddena*
In This Shirt -- Royksopp*
Jenova Theme -- FFVII*
Beginner's Falafel -- flying lotus* (actually probably will not include this one at all.... not sure where to fit it yet)
I might also put in a sound clip of Sephiroth saying "Shall I give you despair?". I have a good spot in mind for it. I'm also thinking about including a snip from the above, My Love by Camisado -- but just the "SO DON'T GIVE AWAY my love!" part or the "if I wrote you a symphony" part.
Most of them have snips and snaps from different parts of the song mixed around the whole piece.

Mom and dad told think it's unwise to buy Chowon's plane ticket. "What if she dumps you?" They said... Well, first of all, I said I would buy it so I will. There are no two ways about that unless God Himself stops me, and  doing so is a prerogative of His. Second, so what if she does? I know for a fact that if I weren't saving money for this ticket I already would have wasted it elsewhere. Since I am frugal, anyone else has it in their heads that they have a right to tell me what I should spend my savings on. No. They don't. I will save for what I will save, and when I don't save they will not even notice me. When I choose to spend my money unwisely, I will spend it unwisely. At any rate, given the circumstances I will get Chowon's input and prayerfully make a decision as to how soon I'm gonna buy this ticket.

"Lets go tomorrow."

I'm losing my mind. I feel like there's no place in Texas where I can go be alone without wondering if someone's gonna walk in and ruin my solace. When I go to Spear, people often take 2 steps in and then walk out. Even if I go to the piano practice rooms and pick the worst piano, people are always walking by looking in the window. I need an island and an mp3 player.... and probably some vittles and a boat.

Sometimes I make a fool of myself, and I can brush it off. Sometimes it's more complicated than that. What just happened? Was I wrong? Was I right? What is ok for me? What are the rules.... do we really write them as we go?


"You said a long time ago..."

Getting to bed on time is like wanting to listen to your favorite song, but not knowing what song that is -- and even if you could guess what you're in the mood for exactly, you don't have access to music at the moment -- and even if you did have access to all the music you wanted and knew what song it was, it's bedtime and your headphones are too bulky for sleeping.

I feel like a person who lives about a half-mile from a fishing hole, and fell in the water on a winter day, and now has to walk home soaking wet with ice forming on my hair, chin, nose, and ears.

Sometimes I wish I had superpowers, but I have to be careful not to daydream and then pretend to have them or everyone would see me and think I'm a lunatic.

I want to feel like the conductor, who shapes into the air with his arms a whirlwind of sound. The conductor feels every rhythm loudly in his chest, and with each powerful gesture he raises and lowers elements of it. He fine-tunes the symphony into an incredible masterpiece of sound and exposition. With his body, he changes music into emotion.

I have thought about lots of things and distracted myself with lots of inanities these past few weeks... but a part of my mind has not even once stopped thinking about Chowon. That is, sometimes I wonder if she has been off my mind at all, but I really think she hasn't. Sometimes when nothing is going on I catch myself replaying her voice in my mind. I'm glad I can remember it so clearly... I miss Chowon a lot.

Sometimes when something is important, even though you want to remember it, you forget it really quickly. Like the color of someone's eyes, or the shape of their face, or the sound of their voice. Right now, I don't really remember if my mom's eyes are blue or brown... facebook... They're blue, just like everyone in my family.

Oh well.

Goodnight.

"This is how I show my love."

so so so tired.

everything i write may cause me trouble

why write?

"ignore your problems. pretend they don't exist"

Chowon left yesterday, and she deactivated her facebook account..... :/

Everything loses color for a while.

School is almost over. We have 12 hours before the project is due... and the summer camps came and said 'hey you guys have 1 hour to get out of this room'.
...... so first off, we've spent the past 6 weeks in there for about 13hours/day on average. Secondly, we had a minifridge in the room. Thirdly, we, as individuals, spent more on that summer class than a whole group of highschoolers from first presbaptecostelerian church of barging in and making us move. Fourth, our timely graduations depend on our grades in this class, and the project is still very fragile. Fifth, it's been an hour and they're still not here.

We should have just stayed and left our stuff spread out all over the room; then when they came to take the room, we should have said "hey guys, as you can see it'll take a while for us to get out of here, and moving the project just might mean an extra semester at this school. The amount of money that would cost us can easily pay for whatever time you'll lose by going somewhere else with your class... so maybe you should just go have your youth meeting in the freakin lobby."

Right now Josue is working diligently on the box. There really isn't anything anyone else can do at the moment, as we're down to just putting wires together. It's kindof a one-person job, and Josue has the best knowledge of the setup at the moment.


I really don't like the situation that has us in this classroom.


Oh well... I'm tired and I don't wanna be here anymore.

God bless and forgive those freaking campers.

Chowon's phone is off....

Tonight, I am in a bad mood and have not the remedy I wanted. I took a shower to calm down. Up next is some hot tea and chapter 20/22. Yesterday God got a high-five for his quick, efficient destruction of Babylon, Jesus' symbolic purpose was clarified, and all the kings and great men were eaten by birds.

Now I a running start in mind for tomorrow have, and a difficult evening of tongue biting and code grinding.

"Statant xylene revolution?"

I wrote a pretty long blog about being in a bad mood earlier... Now I figure it's best that blog stay private.

What's good that I can think about before going to bed?....

God blessed me today by letting me hear Chowon's voice some more. Chowon is such a great blessing to me.

God, please bless my relationship with Chowon. Please keep her safe and let her feel your love through me. Let us both bring one another closer to you for as long as your word is with us. Let us learn to love you in a way which blesses you, and let us be blessings to everyone around us for the glory of Your kingdom.

...

Oh man... and help me with the Circuits and Digital Electronics finals, please... thanks.

"It's something that's a little hard to understand. It looks like a circle, but not a perfect circle."

Sometimes I go back and read my old blogs and am really embarrassed by what I wrote. ... but I think it's a good thing for me to feel that, because it teaches me to be confident in what I write and to write things that I can be confident in. I usually don't go back and change what I've written, except on very rare occasion.

I'm learning C#, and I hope that it will make me a better computer engineer as well as allow me to make programs more compatible with more people's computers. By her request, I wrote a program for Chowon in Java recently, and she didn't have the JRE, so she couldn't run it. That was a little bit embarrassing... But anyway, it's a good thing I found out about that because I was working on a much more complex program for her, and now I know that I shouldn't do it until I'm fluent in a language more readily executable by Chowon's computer.

Right now, Mihary is playing my keyboard in the living room. I'm glad that little thing is getting some use. It's too short for most of the songs I know, so I don't use it often.

"Up ahead is a crossroads, which way will you go?"
"Are you still listening?"
"There is no such thing as being bound by fate."
"Your haphazard heartbeats tell a foggy tale."
"Ignore those frustrations and make up your mind already."
"Believe that good things will come to those who wait."
"Just like always, I love you."
"I will never forget you, my precious memory."

2nd digital midterm tomorrow. Finals next week.

...

I should seriously just go to bed.

...

But I don't want to stop listening to music....

"If you come up against a hurdle.. fight for the things you believe in.. passion, joy, sorrow, pain, and tears."

This week I haven't done much Circuits Homework. The professor fell a bit behind, so we hadn't covered any of the homework material, and up till a while ago I'd been borrowing a book. So when we got completely behind it was just too much work to borrow a book each night to learn and do homework together. Even at the beginning of the semester, when everything made sense, homework was taking like 7 hours -- and not just for me. We would all work together and still go up past 5 hours of work on one homework set. These sets are each night, and it's cool when you know the material, but if it hasn't been covered, then that puts the homework up to like 10 hours of straight studying just to get it done. There's just no way for me to do that and still manage the digital homework and sleep and also two jobs.

But today I got my own circuits book in the mail finally, so next week is gonna be a brand new start for this work.

The people in the arts and sciences finally told me I wasn't allowed to use their coffee machine anymore. They said that it was because every engineer has a math minor, so I need more than that to get coffee. .... I'm thinking about declaring a CS minor...... I'm also thinking about bringing my own coffee machine to the classroom.

Chowon's package also came in the mail today^^** I feel sortof bad because of the way things were around her sending it. I was kindof a jerk... I hope she doesn't have any hard feelings about that.. I got a new cross necklace, some real Korean Ramen, and a card<3 It was really sweet. I'm really excited to eat the noodles :D The cross necklace was perfect, too, because God took my old cross necklace back to the ocean a while back, and then her bracelet she gave me was lost when I got ponded.... Which really really sucks..... but now I have a new cross necklace and a new article to wear for Chowon. I can wear my loyalty to God and Chowon at once:)

God has been reaching out to me these days, saying "Zac, come spend more time with me." -- and I can feel his pull. I have been really distracted these days. I will work harder to prioritize God.

I had a dream last night where I was in a hallway with a girl I used to know. On one end of the hallway was a living room with my family in it, and they were all having a good time. On the other end of the hallway was Chowon, putting on her shoes so we could go out on a date and then return to the family. In my dream, there was this red bead on the floor, and I was arguing with the girl over who would pick it up, and the whole time I had Chowon in the back of my mind; I impatiently wanted to go be with her, but this issue in the hallway was using my time. :/ I woke up as if it were from a nightmare, but it wasn't all that bad really.
When I woke up, Shane was talking in his sleep.

I'm gonna call Chowon and then go to bed.

"Here we go again."

I don't wanna stay awake. I don't feel like being happy. I just want time to pass so that it can be time for me to study again, because studying is the wall in my timeline standing between me and tomorrow night. Tomorrow night I get to talk to Chowon.

I have this heavy feeling in my chest and a voice in my mind saying "she doesn't wanna talk to you". Last time she talked to me she was happy... I feel like we've argued a lot lately. I know it has been a long time between arguments, but we only get a few hours per week so one argument means a whole week before I know how "over it" she has become, if any at all. Maybe I just think too much about it. We haven't really argued that much I guess. I'm stuck because I can't always know what her feelings are about our relationship. I keep catching myself wondering "does she still miss me?" "does she still think about me?" "does she still want us?". I know the answer to all those questions: "of course"... but my fear creeps in despite me.

I've been  thinking a lot about that fear and those questions, and that weird line of thought that pulls doubt from the back to the front of my mind. Reason and my impulses tell me I have nothing to worry about, and that worrying probably does more harm than good... but worry sneaks in anyway. Why? Well, to be honest... and this is probably gonna sound really stupid... but... ok, so all my life I've been taught about spiritual warfare and the way demons fight against angels around us to destroy our well-being. I think that it's like that. These feelings are obviously lies, because Chowon is trustworthy and she says she loves me, so they can't be from God. There's some other reasoning trains I've gone down, too, trying to weigh this against what I know about listening to God... but long-story-short I think that the devil is working against the relationship. I mean, look at it: We're commanded to examine our thoughts, know ourselves, and measure things against God's word and what we know to be good for God's kingdom as well as what he's told us about his will. Doubts like that hurt me and Chowon alike; they don't advance the kingdom; and I've established that they are rooted in fear and false assumptions. They are obviously not from God, and I know myself better than to think that I generated these on my own... I think... And that leaves just the devil.

What I know from experience is that when the devil wants to keep something from happening, that means that it's something really great for God's kingdom. I have been praying lots and lots that Chowon's relationship with me would build her up and build her relationship with God and produce lots of good stuff for the kingdom.. so maybe God intends to answer those prayers affirmatively and the devil knows it.

Anyway it confirms for me that my relationship with Chowon is right where I should be, and it makes me more sure that it is God's plan for me to be with her at this time.

Other than that, nothing's really happening.
I really enjoy the job. It's pretty relaxed. Maybe I'll have enough money to make a trip after all. Santiago wants to come.
School is hard, but when is it not?

...
oh! And it's Dan's birthday! Happy Birthday, Dan! 28~~ you're so old!

"In whose world do I exist?"

Going to bed a little later than I wanted tonight. Done with homework for tomorrow. I just have to really get down and do that digital project tomorrow.

I think I lent my circuits book to a friend over the summer. I guess I didn't expect to need it. Anyway, I found the same book online for 1$(+5 for shipping) and ordered it, but the site didn't have very good reviews, so I'm hopeful.

Digital is getting worse. I really really really need to get down and examine that code this weekend. The plan is to do so tomorrow.

Dinner is probably taking up the most inconvenient stretch of time for me right now, but it's so good. Oh well, beggars can't be choosers.

Chowon just called me. We had a pretty intense talk the other day. I learned a bit about myself during it, and also about her. During the argument, there was a point where I gained very sudden insight into her situation. She works so so hard and is so so stressed, and when she turned to me for comfort I doubted her. When I realized what I'd done I apologized, and she told me not to apologize. I might have showed a side of me I wish I didn't have... but now I know about my weakness, so I can fix it.

I should seriously go to bed.

"one...two..."

It seems that in the presence of immorality, morality defeats morality.

If there exists, on earth, a morality which is perfect, then it will be defeated when it comes into contact with an immorality. 

If a person who is perfectly moral meets a person who is perfectly immoral, the immoral person will kill the moral person and the moral person will let it happen, because it would be better to die than to sin.

Conscience is a force in our decision making which is suppressed with practice in doing evil. 

Practicing evil diminishes conscience more quickly than practicing good builds conscience.

People proficient in practicing good -- people with strong conscience -- group together in order to stay above evil, working hard at keeping each other from suppressing their conscience. Nevertheless, people of strong conscience are pulled down more frequently than people with weak conscience are pulled up.

Crime increases in areas without police, not necessarily because criminals move there, but because "good" people become criminals when they aren't afraid of justice.

The world is becoming more and more immoral, slowly. Even circles of strong morality give in little by little in order to stay "relevant". Small compromises are made here and there, and those opposed to the changes are scoffed at by the short-sighted. Big changes are rarely accepted, but we've always been slowly slowly moving in the wrong direction.

The world is a battlefield. Morality is losing and we all know it, but we struggle and fail anyway, because it is better to die than to give-in completely.

We live hoping that our champion will return someday and win the fight once and for all. We even make movies about it.

Sometimes I wonder how far I am in the wrong direction. My ancestors have been compromising their morality little-by-little every generation. I wonder how much of what I accept is completely wrong... How much of my life will God look at and say "Zac, you didn't know, but I forgave you for this every day."

"I don't know what is right anymore."

First couple of nights in the apartments.

Reality is so tiring, so destructive, so overwhelming, so unforgiving.. and beauty is sometimes too easily hidden behind my emotional discomfort.

I see the world through a pair of glasses I bought at Walmart.

Sometimes I feel like my consciousness wants to leave my body to fend for itself. Like my mind is saying "I've had enough of this. There is nothing and no one good in the world, and I am no credit to it. There is no reason for me to sit here and watch myself struggle through life; there is no justification for my existence in a world so full of darkness and confusion. So let my body go through the motions without me, and let me be asleep until evil defeats itself."

As much as sometimes I just want to fall asleep and wake up with all my work done sometimes... I realize that God gives me exactly what I need for it to be bearable.

When I think of things worth living for, the first things that come to my mind are Gwen, Chowon, and Lainey (not in any order). But it's not really those dear to me that keep me going. Instead, it's what they represent in my mind.

Love is the only thing worth living for.

Salvation? Once you have it, you can die happy. It is not a reason to live. Forgiveness? See:salvation. Wisdom? All the wisdom of mankind combined is foolishness compared to God's wisdom. God? What does that even mean? "Live for God"... don't we want to be with him?

But even "living for God" comes back to living for Love. Ruling out the ambiguous "God is Love," if we had God but Love did not exist, then God would not be worth living for. He wouldn't bring us any happiness, because Love is the root of true happiness. Without love, it would be better to die. However, if we had Love without God, then we would still have Love, and we would still be able to hope to find happiness in life.

God comforts me in small ways pretty often, and I forget them quickly, but when I make a point of remembering them they suddenly become things for me to latch on to. And it's not just small ways. God comforts me in big ways too; for example: he gives me Chowon to talk to, and he gives me a family to look forward to seeing.

Anyway, I guess the point is..... I love those people, and the reason I can love them is because God first loved me. Right now, my love for them and Gods love for me are the sustenance that keeps me living and seeking more of that love. I want more love from God; I want to keep loving my family; I want more good friends who will love me the way friends do; and I want to keep loving Chowon. Those are good reasons to keep going, and if I tallied them up, entity by entity, I have quite a few... and no matter what happens, I still have God.

"It's NAND!"

Today was so so busy. I got that job at the school, finally :D I'm excited about it. I also got some work at Glaske.

Chowon works so hard. I am so blessed to have such a dedicated and intelligent girlfriend. I'm so so so proud of her^^ I just wish she'd take good care of herself. She loses so much sleep studying that it hurts her health. She was so tired on the phone with me this morning, and she coughed a little... I thought that even if she studied all night long, if she went to the test with such a tired mind then she would not do well. Also, it is so important to me that she stays healthy, and she needed the sleep. I told her to take a nap, and she did, and it made me really happy that she got some sleep.

Speaking of tired minds. I just finished the digital project. I'm so frustrated because my logic was good and my board was pretty and neat, but I didn't know that I can't run signal through an LED. My friend worked with me for a while, before he finally realized that's what I was doing. He ran the LED to ground perpendicular to the main line (instead of colinear to it) and it worked.

I'm kinda still working out just how much coffee is ok to drink in the morning so I'm not super-buzzed during class and so I'm not tired. I'll get it eventually.

Tomorrow they are having a study party at 7:30 which gives me about 5 hours of sleep tonight... not quite what I wanted.

God has blessed me today. I hope he continues to bless me this way tomorrow^^ Also, God, please bless Chowon lots.

"And my heart beats so that I can hardly speak."

So I'm getting punched down by some Circuits II homework and I am about to give up... I looked up just in time to see that the name of this song was "The Calculation" by Regina Spektor, which is kinda ironic.

I keep thinking I'm a step behind in this stuff, and I can't seem to get right with the lectures. I understand everything that Dr. Ortiz covered in the last lecture. I went over my notes, almost recollecting his lecture word-for-word (which is a special case for tonight, I usually don't take such great notes and pay such great attention).

I flip through the book tired-heartedly reading special case after special case; what to do if jw=0; what to do if sigma=0... I follow the set of steps which most seems to resemble my problem and I get an answer depressingly different from what's in the back of the book.

God, I know you put me here at LeTourneau, and I know that you gave me the desire to be an Engineer because I prayed a lot about it and you didn't told me not to nor close the door nor expose an alternative opportunity for me nor compel me toward something else.

...

The other day I wanted to look over the homework problems right after class, but I still haven't done it.

Tomorrow, God, please help me to be motivated to get down to business and learn this material immediately after class. Let my studies and my knowledge be yours. Let me give glory to you whenever I succeed. Give me courage to do that.

...

Oh! I'm 10 minutes late to call Chowon...

She's busy. :/

Back to work.

"Comes love, nothing can be done."

I'm about to go to bed. It's kinda lateㅜㅜ soooooooo tired~~~~~~~

Today and yesterday I was really clouded in thought about things with Chowon. It took a lot of thinking and praying, but I got my thoughts onto paper and I hope to get them in the mail soon. It's a short letter, but it has lots of meaning in it. It's a little bit redundant at parts, but I want to make my point 100% clear and I'm not sure if there is a better way or not. The 2 pages, front and back, it occupied in my notepad smoothly expanded into 1 page front and back on notebook paper, and I felt a lot better after I wrote it down. I think I spent half of church writing it lol...

I looked through my old blogs today and yesterday. I read some stuff about other girls I had crushes on in the (dark and distant) past. Looking back with perfect hindsight, I see that I was really dumb not to see the signs God had placed right in front of me. However, it's pretty clear that God knew about my blindness and protected me despite it. God never really let me get too close with those girls, I think, because God had planned that I would not be with them. It makes me think that God might have someone special planned for me. ...maybe maybe...maybe it's Chowon.

Looking at those blogs and the embarrassed feeling I get from it, then noticing God's hand in my life almost feels like a pat on the shoulder from God. Like God's saying, "Zac, you're stupid sometimes, but that's ok. I can see that you're trying and I've got your back."

Thanks, God. You're really great.

It's a miracle of God's creation, humans, that we are able to smile even though we are going through hard times. Some of my friends; I never would have guessed their burdens if they hadn't told me, or if I didn't know them so well.

Tonight I want to pray for all my friends, my family, and Chowon. God, carry them and guide them through their stress and burdens with wisdom, focus, strength, courage, patience, peace, and a sense of humor. Amen.

"Thanks, man."

So today I was thinking about compliments.

I'm kindof back and forth on how often it's ok to compliment someone. Specifically, I'm wondering how often I'm allowed to compliment Chowon before words lose their effectiveness. If I had it my way I would compliment her all the time. But then I thought... what if I want to say something especially heartfelt and she brushes it off? Or what if she stops caring that I think she's beautiful? Or what if she stops believing me? Is it better to be too often or seldom but meaningful?

I guess it's different depending on the person you're with. The best way to find out might be to ask her, but it's such a silly question to ask: "Does it bother you if I compliment you too much?"

It's really cute when she fishes for compliments. But sometime she fishes for compliments, almost it seems, with something specific in mind... Like she wants me to amaze her with something witty and sweet. I feel like I can never do it right on the spot... but at the same time, I want to be there for her when she needs to feel loved...

I guess the root of the question might be "what is the best way for me to make her feel loved?" This question is the basis for one of the best things about a long-lasting relationship. The longer I am with her, even though our "young" passion might fade, I will learn more about what truly makes her feel loved. I hope I can find the best way to make her feel truly loved, and I hope that someday I can do that for her.

Sometimes she asks me to promise her things I can't control... I don't know how to respond when she does that. I hope that I don't disappoint her, but I don't want to make a promise I can't keep. Like promising that I won't die. How can I promise that? ... I have avoided making promises like that so far, I think... What should I do?

She called me last night and asked me for motivation to do her homework. It made me think: what can I do to motivate her? I can think of some ways I might help if I were near her physically... but from here I can only mail her things or Skype with her. So I said I'd send her some real flowers if she finished the assignment. Maybe a little too much for just one assignment, but she seemed pretty distressed. Real flowers are super hard to get sent internationally -- I'd have to have find a flower shop with the kind of flowers I want (unless my friend would pick them out), and then find a friend who would bring them to her, and then transfer the money to my friend's bank. But most of my friends are graduated from HGU now, and she's my only Korean friend who I keep in really regular contact with... She said that the flowers didn't motivate her, which is kindof a relief, but also kindof makes me feel hopeless. What if she asks for motivation again? Real flowers take a lot of effort. I'll have to be creative to top that... ㅜ. I told her I'd pray for her, and she accepted that.

Ah a friend just texted me. I've gotta go.

"There's an empty space inside my heart where the wings take root, so now I'll set you free."

So I think I've trained myself to want to talk to Chowon at about 11PM every night. Before then she is either getting ready for class or in class, and after then I'm asleep, so it's the most convenient time for me.... What a great thing we have... sometimes it's hard to ignore the negative aspects, like especially the distance. But I think that the good outweighs the bad overwhelmingly. Chowon might be the best girl out there for me; like, I don't think it gets much better than her. Sometimes she asks me about if I'll find someone better; even if there is, I'm so completely happy with the way God has us together. I'm privileged to have her.

This weekend was a deep one.
...Crazy dreams, long talks, and dropping the League.

I've started writing that book I mentioned earlier. Maybe someday I'll make it public. So far it's just a big fat outline. Seems like it has a solid plot and lots of flexibility, but I'm a little worried about how I'm gonna fluff the details into a book. Maybe I shouldn't fluff.... but I don't wanna write a short story. I'll have to be a little more creative.

I've only worked on Chowon's code a little bit. I should probably prioritize that above the book. I'll do more on it tomorrow if I'm not mind-melted from class. I'd really like to have it finished by the 1-year mark.

I hope Scott Hembrough gets my email as soon as he gets back. I need a job and money asap.

"It read like a trumpet blown by some sad angel."

"Strange how we move to the voice of the moon
"Love ringing out of tune
"Lay her body between us
"Soon she'll become my new sun
"Stealing her light from the old one

"If your right eye offends you, pluck it out
"Leave your bad limbs behind
"For they are conduits to the heart


"'Depart from me, for I never knew you'

"But I'm in the wrong body.
"I must have...stumbled in


"All the love I want to give
Gets caught between my ribs.
What does that make me?
I have good intentions
But no exit for them."

"But I'm tired of walking upright.

"Phone call."
"I pull my car to the side of the road."
"No, it's not the cold making my legs shake."


"You're still sending cells to their rightful places
"When forming more likely to escape such a narrow way to life
"What's it look like from your side?
"From here I can't say why it's worth
"One more coming out cursed

"Say what this is all for.
"Say it, say, 'It's redemption'.

"We're just swaying from side to side
"We are thieves and saints alike


The world is such a small place.

I was thinking today... that there is no point in me not being completely open with everyone. I wonder if there is a question which I wouldn't answer if someone asked me. I guess there are a few secrets I've kept for other people's sake, but questions about me. Maybe there is one. I really can't think of it at this moment.

I want to write a story. 

...

I've started a few stories but I've never finished one.

I guess there's really no harm in never finishing a story.

and I guess there's no harm in starting another.

I am like a dog whose master has left home for a month, with some pet-sitter coming to feed me and let me outside then leaving me alone again.

Mom gives such good advice about everything.

God has been answering my prayers with regard to Chowon. I pray so often for her.

These days I feel God's presence in an absent sort of way, like he's left me a postcard that smells like him and has a picture of him on it and all I can do is look at it and burn in my chest waiting for him to come to me in person.

But also I know that he looks out for me, because I can feel his presence in small ways; whenever something special happens that reflects God's sense of humor or even protects me or prepares me in inexplicable ways, and it makes me happy.

Sometimes I wonder... even if I didn't believe God existed, wouldn't I see that it gives happiness to people who believe? And in that sense, what would I do to give myself happiness in the same way? Like, when I see that people who get happiness from fishing and so they fish often. I think that nature must be giving them happiness, so I make an effort to walk outside sometimes for my happiness to be like theirs, even though I can't fish often.

"I believe in your heartache, like you believe in Jesus."

The older I get, the more constrained by reality my thoughts become.

We're still on the up-curve. Everything getting better. What will it be like when things get worse?

Sometimes I think that if I can one day turn my grey head to a happy, loving, and faithful family with a wife who has been my only wife then nothing else under the sun matters. If I can raise children who love God and value wisdom, then I have succeeded in everything.

God, please bless my future. Bless me by allowing me to live a life which honors and brings glory to You.

A good job... good grades... food/shelter/the necessities... good friends even..... none of that really matters if I'm not pleasing God.

I paid off that speeding ticket.

"What if I lure you?"

This song is recorded kinda quiet... and my headphones don't get any louder.


Stopped by Ortiz's office today

Passed Circuits

Tomorrow my classes start. Today I'm up early to get my sleep schedule in order. Chowon is supposed to call me in like 5 mins. After that, it's time for me to congratulate myself.

I've got some foodstuffs for my meals, but I don't have the money or the motivation to eat really well. I wanna get a doctors note for next semester saying I shouldn't eat the cafeteria food. It kinda scares me to think about it, because I don't quite have the money.... but the mealplans are so expensive that with that money leftover I should be able to cover myself. Besides, it will be good preparation for when I'm out from under Big Brother LeTourneau and have to think for myself.

I applied for a job at IT and they haven't really gotten back to me yet. Mr. H. keeps telling me to be patient, but I need money and that grounds job is really tempting. I stopped by the building today and left a note for Mr. H saying "Zac Slade stopped by". I know a few people involved in either working there or applying for there and getting rejected who unanimously tell me I aught to just get the other job, but I really want this one, so I'm gonna give it another week-ish.

Louisiana sent an email and gave me my money back and then asked for it again. Mom says I should argue with them since they told me twice already that I'm all good and paid. I'm not about to argue with the Louisiana govt -- not even about a speeding ticket. I could just die thinking about any more legal trouble. I just wanna get it all out of the way so I can sit and take a deep breath without worrying about whether or not I have a future.

"You'll never be alone again."

Last minute cramming for my last two finals. I've gotta write an essay during my History final and the prof's letting me bring an outline. I've got the essay down to 20 minutes, 23 when I cite sources. I'm more nervous now about the circuits final. I've got the study sheet right in front of me, and I'm trying to work imaginary problems in my head over and over so I don't forget how.

These past few days I've felt an especially strong desire to talk to Chowon. Especially since I got mad for the first time the other day... Idk, I really want to make sure she knows I love her and I want to make sure she doesn't forget it. ... but I feel like I might be coming on a bit strong. Maybe I'll let up just a little bit... Idk... I always feel like I'm messing everything up -- even in little things, like I keep forgetting that she has class through lunch on Wednesday... I really just want to be the best guy for her, and sometimes I think I don't know how.

I found a sweet-awesome song on the internet.... maybe gonna learn it. I can never seem to commit to a song on the piano. ... I really need a teacher.

Well, it's about 11:30. I'm gonna make one more quick run-though my equations and then go to bed. Finals start bright and early tomorrow.
Say a prayer for me.

"The revolution will be televised."

Today was the special Olympics. There were some clouds early in the day, and that was nice, but those didn't last all day. I had to focus to not cop an attitude, but I think I did a good job of that.

This week has been super rough. It started with the prob/stat test that I thought was a quiz on Monday.. Monday night I studied Linear Algebra 'till late. Then on Tuesday I had the thing at the Boys and Girls club, got back exhausted: no studying.

Wednesday I spent way too long on an extra credit assignment in the labs, turns out I needed my textbook, so I ran back to the room to finish the assignment in my room, but my excel doesn't have the plugins it needs. I finished the assignment using just the textual programming, without the results. Then I found out it was actually due last week... how'd I miss that?

Thursday I busted my butt trying to finish assignments due Friday and to review all the material for my Friday classes so I'd know what questions to ask.

Friday I had back-to-back meetings with profs, and during my free time before that I reviewed almost all of the material I have for prob/stat to make my notes for the final. As a result of those meetings I couldn't make it to the B&G club.

Friday night Chowon and I had that missed meeting, and I stayed up a bit later to wait for her contact -- the "30 minutes" -- I didn't get ahold of her until an hour later, and by then it was about 2am and I needed to wake at 5, so we got to talk for like 2 minutes and it was just on the phone.

I left for the Spec Olympics at ~6am and returned at ~5pm. I started studying right when I got back, went to dinner, and didn't really take a break until 9pm. I couldn't focus anymore because I really wanted to talk to Chowon, so I went skateboarding with box for an hour or two, waiting for my meeting with Chowon.

As I write this, I still haven't really cleaned up. I'm still dirty and sweaty from 'volunteering' because I wanted to get right to work, and my break was spent trying to clear my head.

Chowon begins our conversation by hurriedly telling me that we can't talk much today -- we didn't get to talk on video. I feel like I haven't had a conversation with her in good-quality video-Skype in ages.

This week has not been enjoyable for me. I've had an hour break here and there, but nothing that fulfills me.

Oh... and to top it off, it turns out AO has voted to reject me for staying in the house during the summer, and they emailed Lehman about it, but didn't send me anything about it. Lehman called me during the Spec Olympics to ask me about a meeting with him to discuss housing payments. I find out 3 days after the email to Lehman that I could have spent the past 3 days finding alternative housing. Why? Because they don't have the guts to tell me themselves? I'm not even gonna get into everything wrong with this picture.

"I need all my grain to prosper and grow."

"The last train is nearly due,
The underground is closing soon,
And in the dark deserted station,
Restless in anticipation
A man waits in the shadows.

"His restless eyes leap and scratch,
At all that they can touch or catch,
And hidden deep within his pocket,
Safe within it's silent socket,
He holds a colored crayon.

"And the train is gone suddenly
On wheels clicking silently
Like a gently tapping litany
And he holds his crayon rosary
Tighter in his hand

"Now from his pocket quickly he flashes,
The crayon on the wall he slashes,
Deep upon the advertising,
A single worded poem comprised
Of four letters.

"And his heart is laughing, screaming, pounding
The poem across the tracks rebounding
Shadowed by the exit light
His legs take their ascending flight
To seek the breast of darkness and be suckled by the night."

Taking the ordinary, the disgusting, the bleak and confusing, the rejected, and making them beautiful again. Cheers this morning to Simon and Garfunkel.

Tomorrow is the Special Olympics...

On one hand, I understand the value of this, and the importance of it, and I feel a strong urgency in doing whatever the lawyer says will help our case. On the other hand, I feel that if the DA knew what's been going on with us since the incident -- how the stress, disappointed fathers, crying mothers, and potential for lost future, (not to mention David's gf breaking up with him,) has broken our motivation, damaged our self esteem, and pushed us down... from talking with the other guys, how we've each seen a drop in our grades immediately after the event, how we each desperately need this weekend to study for finals on Monday morning... I'm sure the DA appreciates how much having a felony on our record could hurt our job futures, but if he saw the impact it's had on us, he might give us rides back to campus from the Special Olympics himself.

Then again... there's all that, but on the other hand, we don't have it all that bad. Say we don't get good jobs in the future like we wanted... I'm sure someone will take us. After all, we're smart kids, right?

I just saw the time and remembered a meeting with Chowon tonight... Usually she's a little bit late and I'm waiting for her... but not this long... ... She's not answering the phone. Dangit, I shouldn't have gone to that movie. I knew I would get distracted and forget, even though it didn't stall me that long. I'm gonna call once or twice more. Hopefully she'll forgive me.

...

:/ she didn't even call me or text me to see where I was. ... I wonder if she forgot, too....

I tried to get in touch with her yesterday, but she didn't answer then either.... but it was under the pretext that I thought that was our meeting....

Oh! She answered!

Ah she forgot too. *whew*

But still, this wasn't ok. Now I really wish I had that time to talk to her....... She said she'd be done in 30 minutes. I'm gonna stay awake and wait for her. Tomorrow will be a tired, hot, sweaty day of work for the community anyway since I'm getting less than 5 hours of sleep, but this way at least I get to see Chowon's face again.

I'll go see if I can get some coffee grounds from Ben for tomorrow morning. A tall cup of coffee might just set the day right... at least until the Olympics are over.

"My Zachary."

I need to buy a new big eraser. I accidentally left the last one in Circuits class and it got stolen.... I wrote my name on it hoping someone would give it back to me, because those are a pain to not have when you need em.

 At the boys and girls club today, whoever usually does 2nd grade wasn't there, so I had to take over. I was able to command the class only to an extent. Up 'till now I've just been hanging out with them on their level and trying to have fun. Oh well. I guess I should have a lesson plan ready for back-up just in case I get that pushed on me again.

 The Special Olympics are this Saturday, and I have to be ready to caravan at this place at 6AM. I'm definitely not liking the earliness.... but I hear they're really short-handed..... and I'm such a good citizen.
*deep breath*
Ah, I guess I really can't complain. Hopefully I won't be too wired when I get back so I can sleep... or hopefully I'll have plenty of energy so I can study... or something... It's gonna make my studying schedule really weird this weekend.. How long does the Special Olympics last?

 Chowon told me last night "lets talk tomorrow". I always forget she's busy all through lunch on Wednesday or I woulda called her sometime in the morning for her. I hope she's having a good day.

 The presentation today was really good.

 I'm so tired... Like, emotionally tired. I could sleep for 7 hours, drink a tall cup of coffee, and no matter how much energy I have I could still go sleep. Maybe a dozen more people will tell me how this is a growing experience and being in trouble happens and I'd better keep on the straight and narrow or else.

 Google decided to force everyone to use the new blogger. Good plan. Rearrange all the buttons. Real innovative.

 I haven't played piano in a long time. I need a teacher... someone to hold me accountable for practicing.

 "I dig farmers, don't shoot me please."

So I've been doing community service with the boys and girls club. Those kids are downright adorable. They all have started calling me "Shaggy", saying that I look like Shaggy from Scooby-Doo lololol. I do really need a haircut haha. I have been holding off on that until the summer so I can have a job for it, or maybe I'll get it when I get an interview or something idk^^

Things have been going pretty great with community service. My old boss says I'm a good worker and that he'll hire me for real money whenever I want. Sometimes I don't want to do the work, but I always enjoy it when I'm there.

The kids at the boys and girls club had a creative writing project, where they could write a story about whatever they wanted. One of the kids wrote about me :) I took a picture:



I Googled the imagery, and he's referencing an "adult" game about a scantily clad girl named Lollipop who kills zombies with her chainsaw. I assume the "power chop" is a move in the game. Kinda flattering anyway.

I've listened to this song like 9 times today.



I'm workin on a package for Chowon. Yesterday I made some communication mistakes... I want to be the best I can for her, so I have to know when I'm messing up. She's so good to me, though. Sometimes I wonder how I could be with someone like her... I mean.. I don't deserve to be blessed this much.

"You're SO LATE!!"

Tomorrow I have a Linear Algebra test. Chowon, I think, is testing now. She said she's be finished at, I think, 2. I'm waiting for her to be done so I can call her, but I really want to go to bed~~~~

She said "be ready to congratulate or comfort me". I'm so up for this. I just have to not say "I really need to go soon". ... This is something I can do for her. I'll make some coffee tonight and have it ready for tomorrow morning, and I'll stay up as long as she wants me -- but I'll let her know that the test is early tomorrow morning.

I really like this song. IMO it's way better than the original.

http://www.wimp.com/somebodyknow/

...

Ok. Coffee made. It's 12:20. Time to call Chowon... if I remember correctly. I think I was tired at the time, I wish I would have taken a note.

...

Ok, no answer. I'll send a text. on the bright side, now I have coffee^^ Say a prayer for me on the test tomorrow.

Today was my last day with LeTU Community service at Grounds. It was kinda sad, but I hope I get to hang with them some more in the future. The boss there is definitely a character reference for future jobs, I think.

"All the mysteries of the universe...something they would just intuit."

Time for bed.

Today I worked at the Boys and Girls club of Gregg County. It was pretty fun, and some of those kids were really really cute. Some were a little bit ornery, but I guess that's bound to happen when you get that many in one place. It really reminded me of public school -- not allowed to talk sometimes, not allowed to stand if you want, not even allowed to pass notes; very strict. I guess that's the way you have to be with kids. I hope I can do what's best for my kids when the time comes.

Come to think of it, it's really amazing how smoothly we transition from that kind of extremely limited freedom to adult freedom... little by little over such a long time.

Finances are such a pain. I have to get more W2s for the school so that we can get our school loans and whatever. Everything has to be done so carefully.

I have a confirmation number in my email inbox saying that I paid the full amount for a speeding ticket I got in Louisiana 2 or 3 months ago.... but today I got a phone call from the district there saying that the ticket had a 25$ balance unpaid. They gave me a number to call to pay it off, and I called it. The person who answered reviewed my file and said I had paid it all and it was waiting for review from the DA. However, my name was spelled wrong in their files and my email address was messed up there too, so it's weird or impossible that they could have sent me the confirmation number. My instinct is to think "Maybe I paid the wrong person? Maybe I got scammed?" but then it wouldn't be 'mostly paid', it would be 'not paid'. Anyway, there's obviously something wrong with the system over there. I sincerely hope it gets resolved.

"If I ask the same questions... if I ask the same questions... it's because everyone who answers me is a liar.

I figure that this week will be a tired one no matter what I do. However, from past experience, I think that with some patience I can become so tired that I become a zombie. As a zombie, I don't retain information for exceptionally long, but I take great notes, I survive as long as I have coffee, and I don't feel much of anything at all... including tiredness until it's time for bed.

That in mind, I've decided that I will lose sleep tonight in exchange for getting ahead on homework. Right now I'm sortof awake, and it's already 2:30. I have 1 or 2 more assignments to do before I'm where I want to be. Hopefully I can finish them.

Hopefully there are no quizzes next week.

Hopefully nobody makes plans for me this Saturday. Dangit I'm gonna sleep in this weekend! You know how much it messes up my week when I have to wake up on Saturday?? Yet for the past like 3 weeks, each sat someone else has something for me to do at 9am.

rofl, I really wish I would have had that sleep yesterday.

Community service might break my back this semester. Hopefully I don't have to stay another extra semester. If that happens I might just have to get a full time job and do school while I work. I was pretty tore-up about it a few hours ago.

Chowon, as always, gives me energy with her supportiveness, and encourages me to talk to God. God is so good to me. She is truly a blessing.

Nevertheless...I'm so frustrated with the world. If the world were perfect, we would have been simply picking up trash. If it were perfect, V wouldn't have popped his lid. If the world were even organized, my punishment would be tailored to be most conducive to my actually doing well in school despite it. The thought of staying an extra semester here bothers me immensely. After AO last semester and then this happening this semester, I just want to graduate fast and leave TX never to return. Last time I was here wasn't a particularly good experience either, what with Tony F. and his 4some pushing me around all through middle school. TX cocked it's head to shoot me down, and I know the score. I lose.

"I hope there's something better up there."

The sky dresses itself in a dark shade of gray. Already it has lost control of the clouds, and gives them to gravity. Gathering, standing still, giving, scattering, varying, threatening; does the cloud know that it comes to meet such a group as we?

I told the fac. about my blog. He says he has nobody to give it to. That's what I get for assuming the worst. Are they a business or a pile of ants? I'm sure that the world will turn to a new event and I will be forgotten, as I have myself and others many times before.

"I need you now more than ever."

Today I revisited some old blogs today. Particularly some blogs I had forgotten about: the two books I wrote on April 25th, 2010 -- while I was preparing to go to Korea.

Reading these reminded me of a state of mind which had fastened itself to my back and grown heavy, and still occasionally revisits me. These days, however, it seems my fury has much calmed -- like my mom said it would; she used to tell me about how many the things which are "so important" in my youth will be recognized as fights not-worth-fighting when I get older, and how I will learn the value of boredom and forget the troubles of the world. It's better this way. Within the next 20 years my mind will begin to decline, and as it slowly rots in my skull... I hope that hope, faith, and happiness survive the longest.

I was so involved in hatred and frustration with God and LeTourneau and the world at that time, and I wondered if Korea was exactly what I needed. It was. God definitely planned for me to go to Korea and learn how good I have it... but can't it be so much better?

I consider in that chapter if God's plan would place an open door in Korea. .. Something to get me walking in the right direction.. I think it did.

Run-on sentences and long paragraphs aside, though, I don't think I can more eloquently describe my insecurities and my problems with the world than I did in my blogs from that month (and immediately surrounding period).

"Holy holy is His sacrament; $30 pays your rent."

Happy Easter :)

Today we talked about zombie-Lazarus in church. The pastor gave a really cool message starting with the resurrection of Lazarus, and then the part of the Bible where Jesus says "Before Abraham was born, I AM." And about how they were gonna stone him and stuff, and then about the story of how God got the name "I AM" in the first place. The pastor emphasized the part where God says "This will be my name *forever*".

I have been struggling for some time with symbolism. I know that Jesus loosened up the rules for us a lot when he died, but back then they wouldn't even say God's name because it was 'too holy' and 'too powerful'. Isn't it equally powerful and holy now? When the Bible says "don't use the Lord's name in vain" I think it means, "use the Lord's name only in emergencies". That is... your instinct might be to say "it's not in vain if we're using His name to praise Him," but I'm proposing that we shouldn't do that.

They sing a song in the church that I attend with the lyrics "We love to shout your name, Yaweh". I've always skipped over that part, because I know that God hears us, and if He told us that He only wants us to use His name in emergencies, and if we are God's image in parts of our personality, then he probably tunes people out who talk too much. The Bible even says "Do not babble vain words, as the nations. For they think that in their much speaking they shall be heard. Therefore do not be like them, for your Father knows what things you have need of, before you ask Him."

So basically God knows what we need before we ask, so we can keep our prayers short and concise. However, we should still keep the right (broken/contrite/whatever else) heart when we pray. God deserves all the respect and humbleness we can muster.

But anyway, back on topic... long-story-short, I came to the decision that the name, in Hebrew, by which God calls himself in Exodus 3:14, "I AM THAT I AM" is the name for God. I know this might not be the most well researched conclusion, but I'm gonna kinda try to memorize it. From a few passages in Romans I gather that what's holy to one person isn't necessarily holy to another. That's to say that it doesn't matter if I'm wrong. God will honor my efforts to respect him, and without seeming too judgmental, I think other people should make some things more sacred, too. Maybe not necessarily a name, but it seems to me that names are kindof important.... oh well..

"I struggle with the feeling that my life isn't mine."

I feel like there's something in my mind that I want to get out so badly... but I can't think of what it is.

I feel like there's something special I could be saying right now, but I don't know what it is. I almost think there's something I aught to say, but I can't.

Maybe put some fancy design around my quote today:

.~*'but I look for reason only when I'm awake...'*~.

... I don't think that's it.

Chowon and I have talked every day for a long time now, and during those talks I'm in such a heightened emotional state... I wonder if I'd become slightly addicted to it. I wonder if this is as weird or difficult[?] for her as for me. Each time I saw a genuine smile on her face I wanted to magnify it. Each time her voice took on that slight tone of kind insecurity I wanted to give her every good thing within me to restore her confidence, because nobody that sweet deserves to feel inadequate. Each time she was sick or depressed I wanted to give her all my health and happiness to restore her. There has not been a tone of her voice but those which I've kept in the deepest part of my heart.

I get to thinking on tangents like that sometimes. Writing about it makes me feel like a hopeless romantic: Someone who, by becoming too attached, makes himself repulsive.

I wonder if she'd prefer more of a "tough-guy".

I mean... I can be that...

But what am I saying?

She said she thought she was becoming dependent on me. Why have I any reason to doubt her love for me? Instead of introspecting, I should pray for her to find God in a better way.

This will be my resolution: During this time, I will pray every day (and whenever I think of it) for her to develop a firmly rooted reliance on God for her self-esteem and comfort. It is the best way.

"We're all prisoners here, locked up by our minds."

Today I have wondered a lot if I am the cause of Chowon's recent distress. Was I too attached? Did I scare her away? Am I going through too much and putting too many of my burdens on her? Is it better for me not to tell her when things are going wrong? Why did she not tell me she loved me until the very end, when I asked her to... she is normally very outspoken about that... unless she's mad at me. Was she mad? Should I be pursuing her now? Does she want me to keep calling her even though she said we should be distant? How can I know? I told her I wouldn't... I should stick with what I said.

I hope we didn't miscommunicate...

The meeting with Chad today seemed more like what my impression of counselling was, but still not quite what I've expected. I'm sure he'll ease into something very definable. I mentioned my blog, and he said he didn't know about it. Maybe I'll send it to him... maybe not.

Community service today was in the rain. It rained pretty hard, and when it let up, we went to dig trenches for irrigation. I had to take off my shoes because my feet were sinking about 4 inches into the mud. -- However, strangely enough, I really enjoyed it. The fresh air and work were refreshing, and the mud and dirt felt cool and comfortable between my toes. The group I work with has a unique, but somehow typical assortment of personalities. All of them are very fun and nice to me, so far. The boss, Scott, has a very awkward demeanor one-on-one, but his smile makes him seem like he was so unprepared for happiness as to be surprising to me as his audience. As a group, I'd say they have a very winning personality.

"Someday when things are slow again..."

So the past week or two I have been doing all the initiating with Chowon. Calling her, and texting her, and she would call back if she missed it, and she was always very sweet so I was only minimally worried about it.

Then she told me she was feeling depressed, and that explained why I was the one initiating. However, it put me in a weird spot. I really don't want to annoy Chowon, but I wanted so badly to be there when she was depressed. I called her and texted her often.

Then yesterday she said that she felt like she was slowly becoming dependent on me... (for happiness and contentment; to not feel alone). We talked about it a bit, I kinda stumbled around trying to nail down the point that I think it's ok to love humans and to try not to be alone with respect to other humans, but that everyone should ultimately become satisfied with God... because we can never fully escape loneliness; it's bound to happen to us sometimes. I told her that, more or less. Then I tried to cheer her up a bit and get her thinking about good things God is doing for her.

She's definitely caught up in some powerful spiritual warfare around her. I really hope she can be strong and continue looking for God.

She said thanks. She said she doesn't want to talk "tomorrow or the day after" (not with an angry tone). I told her that I respected that and would not call her, but would wait for her to contact me first. It was a really calm, but heartfelt conversation. I thought the mood was sad and loving on both ends. Before we hung up, I told her I was sad because I don't know when we'll talk again and she said she'd contact me within one week. It reminds me a lot of when I asked her out and she made me wait. She then she said she loved me (but...only after I asked her to...) and we said goodbye.

Since then, it's only been one day, but I want to talk to her much and often -- maybe just because I can't. I've resisted contacting her... I'll wait.. My confidants have asked me if she will break up with me. I think that she won't.... but I am notably clueless about these things.

One of my good friends lost his girlfriend yesterday, but she said it might just be temporary. He's clinging to that. I hope she means it. She'd be missing out without a guy like him.

"The priest, the book, or the congregation..."