I don't wanna stay awake. I don't feel like being happy. I just want time to pass so that it can be time for me to study again, because studying is the wall in my timeline standing between me and tomorrow night. Tomorrow night I get to talk to Chowon.

I have this heavy feeling in my chest and a voice in my mind saying "she doesn't wanna talk to you". Last time she talked to me she was happy... I feel like we've argued a lot lately. I know it has been a long time between arguments, but we only get a few hours per week so one argument means a whole week before I know how "over it" she has become, if any at all. Maybe I just think too much about it. We haven't really argued that much I guess. I'm stuck because I can't always know what her feelings are about our relationship. I keep catching myself wondering "does she still miss me?" "does she still think about me?" "does she still want us?". I know the answer to all those questions: "of course"... but my fear creeps in despite me.

I've been  thinking a lot about that fear and those questions, and that weird line of thought that pulls doubt from the back to the front of my mind. Reason and my impulses tell me I have nothing to worry about, and that worrying probably does more harm than good... but worry sneaks in anyway. Why? Well, to be honest... and this is probably gonna sound really stupid... but... ok, so all my life I've been taught about spiritual warfare and the way demons fight against angels around us to destroy our well-being. I think that it's like that. These feelings are obviously lies, because Chowon is trustworthy and she says she loves me, so they can't be from God. There's some other reasoning trains I've gone down, too, trying to weigh this against what I know about listening to God... but long-story-short I think that the devil is working against the relationship. I mean, look at it: We're commanded to examine our thoughts, know ourselves, and measure things against God's word and what we know to be good for God's kingdom as well as what he's told us about his will. Doubts like that hurt me and Chowon alike; they don't advance the kingdom; and I've established that they are rooted in fear and false assumptions. They are obviously not from God, and I know myself better than to think that I generated these on my own... I think... And that leaves just the devil.

What I know from experience is that when the devil wants to keep something from happening, that means that it's something really great for God's kingdom. I have been praying lots and lots that Chowon's relationship with me would build her up and build her relationship with God and produce lots of good stuff for the kingdom.. so maybe God intends to answer those prayers affirmatively and the devil knows it.

Anyway it confirms for me that my relationship with Chowon is right where I should be, and it makes me more sure that it is God's plan for me to be with her at this time.

Other than that, nothing's really happening.
I really enjoy the job. It's pretty relaxed. Maybe I'll have enough money to make a trip after all. Santiago wants to come.
School is hard, but when is it not?

...
oh! And it's Dan's birthday! Happy Birthday, Dan! 28~~ you're so old!

"In whose world do I exist?"