First couple of nights in the apartments.

Reality is so tiring, so destructive, so overwhelming, so unforgiving.. and beauty is sometimes too easily hidden behind my emotional discomfort.

I see the world through a pair of glasses I bought at Walmart.

Sometimes I feel like my consciousness wants to leave my body to fend for itself. Like my mind is saying "I've had enough of this. There is nothing and no one good in the world, and I am no credit to it. There is no reason for me to sit here and watch myself struggle through life; there is no justification for my existence in a world so full of darkness and confusion. So let my body go through the motions without me, and let me be asleep until evil defeats itself."

As much as sometimes I just want to fall asleep and wake up with all my work done sometimes... I realize that God gives me exactly what I need for it to be bearable.

When I think of things worth living for, the first things that come to my mind are Gwen, Chowon, and Lainey (not in any order). But it's not really those dear to me that keep me going. Instead, it's what they represent in my mind.

Love is the only thing worth living for.

Salvation? Once you have it, you can die happy. It is not a reason to live. Forgiveness? See:salvation. Wisdom? All the wisdom of mankind combined is foolishness compared to God's wisdom. God? What does that even mean? "Live for God"... don't we want to be with him?

But even "living for God" comes back to living for Love. Ruling out the ambiguous "God is Love," if we had God but Love did not exist, then God would not be worth living for. He wouldn't bring us any happiness, because Love is the root of true happiness. Without love, it would be better to die. However, if we had Love without God, then we would still have Love, and we would still be able to hope to find happiness in life.

God comforts me in small ways pretty often, and I forget them quickly, but when I make a point of remembering them they suddenly become things for me to latch on to. And it's not just small ways. God comforts me in big ways too; for example: he gives me Chowon to talk to, and he gives me a family to look forward to seeing.

Anyway, I guess the point is..... I love those people, and the reason I can love them is because God first loved me. Right now, my love for them and Gods love for me are the sustenance that keeps me living and seeking more of that love. I want more love from God; I want to keep loving my family; I want more good friends who will love me the way friends do; and I want to keep loving Chowon. Those are good reasons to keep going, and if I tallied them up, entity by entity, I have quite a few... and no matter what happens, I still have God.

"It's NAND!"