It's 12:40 again. My dream last night was the same one I had the night before, I think. It was about a friend. It was just one of those really nice dreams, where you are talking with someone and there aren't really words coming out of your mouth, but the atmosphere is great and the surroundings are beautiful... makes me wish I could stay asleep forever. :)

I talked to the nurse today, and she reassured me that I am ok, and she said she would pray for me. I feel so blessed by people praying for me. God is just awesome.

aw man, I just had another coughing fit. Those have been coming and going all day. I will go for like two hours without coughing at all, then I will slowly build up to a fit, and cough nonstop for like 30 secs. Then it will calm back down to not coughing.

I put lots of good time into Computer Science today. I got that rec-letter to my professor. He says he will fill it out. I am an idiot, but I am sure he will be gentle with his criticisms. Dear Father, I pray that my Computer Science Professor would look kindly on me with his recommendation.

It is 1:00. I stopped to make tea and to talk to myself in the mirror for a minute. I have decided that on Wednesday, I will say this to my Computer Science Professor (I am writing it here, mostly, so I don't forget):

"Dr. B-, I'd like to ask you a question about this when you have the time.... Allow me to preface the question, (and don't think I am trying to gain anything by this; you have already graded me,) by saying that I believe that you are a Righteous, God-fearing man, and as such I value your opinion. So if you think that I am being dishonest by asking this question, let me know and I will apologize to you and God and mail this letter without another word. The question: if I mail this letter to HGU, will it hurt my chances of being accepted?"

Then maybe say something about what I would do if his answer is one way or another, and probably add on something diminutive about myself and how I don't really have the qualities asked for by that letter, but I would still appreciate a good review if it was found in the goodness of his heart to have given it to me. --and I totally am not being sarcastic or facetious. My respect for the guy is honest and real. And for the record, I have no ulterior motives to get him to change his review. If he offers to change his review, I will probably refuse, saying that it's better to go with your gut.... unless he insists.... you know, whatever.

Enough of that.

I had a talk(txt) with a good friend of mine recently. It doesn't seem like much, but that sentence carries more in-between-the-lines than some of my better paragraphs. God bless her.

*sigh*

Faith and Love

I feel like I have been putting up a front over the past few weeks. -Oh my goodness what am I saying- I can't decide whether to be completely vulnerable or completely impenetrable. My recent state of mind seems to make compromise between the two impossible. I have felt caught between looking at every person and thinking "You are God's creation, and as such I love and respect you, as if I were your brother" versus "You are another one of the people in this world who act without love or faith, sin compulsively, and die, and as such I hope not to be like you or around you for very much longer." -- the former being "vulnerable" and the latter being "impenetrable". People in this world are so disgusting to me, but the more I pray, the more I read and study God's word, the more I encroach upon this feeling of blind enchantment, even at only the complexity of God's work, not to mention the beauty with which He has created most everything. I feel increasingly that it is impossible to love God without loving each other, but how can I when there is so much evil in the world? How do I love someone without loving the way they are? How does God love the devil? and does God still love his creations with that eternal, everlasting love, even while they are burning in Hell? How long will he entertain that love for them before his sorrow begins to grow? Do God's emotions really act so differently from ours?

These questions will be in my prayers tonight.