Tomorrow it is back to the grind, starting the day off with a healthy dose of LEGO's, then moving right along to Discrete Mathematics and Computer Science II, (which, by the way, I am feeling so confident about that I have not done the homework in sincere delusion that the homework will not take me very long to do. I am almost positive that I can knock it out in like 2-4 hours of serious work. I should really do that.)
Tomorrow I HAVE to get this crap in the mail. I HAVE TO. I will be bugging my friend for a ride to the PO all day if I can. God, please help me to get there and get everything done as I need it done. Please, please, please.
Look at me. I insult the Church, sin, break promises even to myself, slander the Lord's name and then ask Him for his grace and generosity. I am a self-righteous, self-serving, poor excuse for even a failing servant. I am a worse pharisee. I would better to sit shyly and never endure the loving company of another good friend. Yet in all my stumbling lack of competence, I ask God for forgiveness and He gives it to me.
What am I to think and do? I can't do a single good thing on my own, but I can't just sit and pray and ask God to make me do my work. How do I do good things apart from God giving me the motivation to do them? From where do I get my motivation? "Your goal is to fulfill God's plan for your life."Your goal is to make money"Your goal is to be able to support a family".. Ok, first, I don't even really know God's plan. I just have a tiny inclination as to what it MIGHT be, and based on my stronger inclinations (especially when I pray), I am more and more sure that that is not what God wants, but I don't see any open doors leading to God's plan (unless he wants me to find a way out in Korea, but I might not even make it there if I don't get all this crap to happen, and if the school doesn't start communicating with me). Second, I don't know how much I want to have alot of money. I would rather just be able to give a whole lot away. I think that is my gift: giving. ... but I'm not very good at it. There are some things which I would rather not give away (particularly new things.) But I think for the most part I would happily share with someone who asks. ... Third, do I even want a family? Do I want a wife? Well, God knows I would like to have a wife and family, but idk if there is a girl out there who would put up with the kind of travelling I want to do. Maybe I am in the wrong major. Maybe I should be some kind of missions major. And kids? Look at the world I would be bringing them into. Am I just a coward, insecure in my own ability to raise a son in the way that he should go? If that is the case, then I wonder, once again, if my fears are shared by my peers. Either I am simply thinking too far in advance, or I am a sorry excuse for a man.
I would benefit from a change of scenery really soon, I think. LeTourneau is not reality, and neither was Dugway. I have not been a part of a "functional society" in much too long. That is, a society which functionally disguises it's self-destruction as social improvements (kindof like Florida, but God-forbid I am placed there under any circumstances.). Dugway did not disguise it's problems, but caused more problems to cover them up and then pretended to ignore them all at once. LeTourneau is opposite Dugway on the spectrum. LeTourneau is a fantasy. They hide their problems alright. They ignore their problems so mind-bogglingly well. It's like the problem doesn't even exist apart from the parties who each, singularly, are afflicted (by the same thing), but are counted as such completely separated instances of the issue that --since there are "so many" issues(instances)-- they cannot be dealt with all at once, and therefore none of them can be dealt with. They consider investing in things like giant rocks instead.
"Then a speckled bird, humbly inspired, ran across the road when it could have flown, and it made me smile."
"I would never want some one so crass as to want someone like me."
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