You were completely right about all of it. You knew exactly what happened every single time. I can't win. I feel unable to change. There is no time left for me to fix this.

I feel insecure again lately. What do I have to be insecure about?

After the guy across the hall from me left, I thought we would be done talking behind people's backs, but instead I am hearing it about new people. It's any wonder, really. I am just as guilty.

Someone told me today that I should change the name of my blog to something more interesting. I am thinking of new names.

"Jesus hung with 12 guys and a prostitute. He was more like me than like you"

That quote makes me hate the way the Church is all over again. (maybe better put "what the Church has become", but looking into the history of the Church, it seems that it has been continuously going through a "bad phase". Starting as far back as almost immediately after Paul dies, and continuing until now --the crusades, indulgences, holy war, racism, male chauvinism, pedophiles, and I would even include general intolerance and all associated meanings to the list --which is vastly incomplete--). I am not even going to get into all the things I have against the Church in this blog. I keep hearing from people --who I respect-- that the Church is something instituted by God, and that it is something we should work at being a part of, and there are spiritual things about being a part of the Church which are even further beneath the surface than all of it's flaws. What can I do? I can't feel good about it. I am not in a position to change the state of things, but I would be if I were a respected member of any church. Unfortunately, I am not. I am a here-and-then-gone church-goer. I go as much as I can, but it is not as high on my priority list as I suppose it might "aught" to be. And I hate that the regularity with which I attend church is even halfway thought of as a measuring stick for my spirituality. I probably spend more time in "a church" (Spear Chapel) than most people on this campus who regularly attend church on Sundays, and I read the Bible and speak to God about as often. Why do I have to be an active member of a church?

Why am I even defending myself here? I am not being attacked.

To someone else, I would say "it could be because you are feeling guilty"... and maybe I am. Thoughts like that, where I am both wrong and right. or where I am just right enough so that something needs to be done, and just wrong enough so that nothing can be done. We hang constantly on the edge of complete and total destruction (or maybe just complete and total corruption) and that edge just keep moving further and further in the wrong direction. The line seems so thin, but we have been pushing it for so long that only looking back do we realize how wide the line really was (or was it. Are we so far gone, even now?) It makes me despise everything. I wish I could move constantly from place to place.

I want to travel forever, to escape reality, and... well, I would find myself even more alone than ever in the process. Being that kind of alone would be a difficult thing to get out of. The "alone" mindset seems to make it more difficult to meet people, because you can't just go talk to a stranger on the street and all-the-sudden have a friend.... or can you? The only way out is to get involved in a "community" where people feel safe enough with the people who they are around to allow themselves to make friends. Experience shows that we are never "really" safe with the people with whom we surround ourselves. (but thinking like that doesn't get us anywhere). I feel like I am referring to myself in the third person whenever I say "us" or "we" or even sometimes "you", because I always wonder if other people share the same sentiments or not. If they do, then the world is hopeless, because a majority realizes the problem, but nobody has the guts to do something about it. However, if they don't then one of two things is true: A)all my suspicions are confirmed --the world is F'd, and I am truly alone; or B)The world is fine and I am weird and crazy.

See? I can't win.

I'm so tired now. It is almost 4:00AM. I am probably not thinking clearly.

"We've stepped into a gray area"