This is my 100th post. *cheers*

A glass of hot tea, 2:00AM, Iron and Wine (thanks for the recommendation). No homework due tomorrow.

I had a good discussion with my mom on the phone. It was totally weird. I told her about how I don't like "the Church" in general, but how I have been going to Tuesday church off-and-on. I told her a little about the Tuesday church, and she told me all about the church; she told me how the pastor preached (and what he preached about), the way people acted at the church, the music, the people who invited me to the church, all the way down to the way I felt about it. She knew, she told me about how she had been to the same church in a different life. She said that I was just like her, and that the church was just like a church she got involved with when she was my age.

For the first time since I hit adolescence, I think, I realized just how much my mom knew about me. She totally read my mail, and she made me miss her and Dad. I haven't done much missing since I got here. She confirmed for me, all the things I wondered about the state of the spiritual war around me. I love that God is using her to help me, because I need to be close with my mom. I haven't been for a while. She made me remember how much I love God, too. How much God loves me, and does not harbor so many negative feelings for me as I do for myself. Instead, God looks down to me as a Good Father would to His son, and he shows me the way to go if only I would follow it. But even if I stray from the path, he will not let me go too far without pulling me back. God, I know what the psalmist meant when he wrote "thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me". You, God, are great. I just can't say enough good about you.

I did get all that stuff into the mail today and am now working on getting my Visa. The photo was 15 bucks, which was alot more than the 75 cents I expected. lol. I am glad to have it gone. Less clutter on my desk. The rest is up to God. God, you know exactly how I feel about this. You know more about my motives than I do, and you know that at least my perception of my motives yields that they are pure and rooted in an honest desire to learn about your creations, and are related to a desire to do your will (inasmuch as I have prayed for your guidance with regards to this, and have prayed for you to close the door if it is not your will.) However, Lord, knowing that I want your will to be done above my own, please consider your servant when he asks that you allow me to go to Korea. God, please let me go to Korea; I ask in Jesus' name. God, please assert your will over my own; I ask in Jesus' name.

Today I remembered that I don't want a girlfriend (without having to remind myself..... it's significant. shut up.)

Today I sat and thought about all the things I would say to all the people I wanted to say things to. Today I decided that I wouldn't say any of it. Today, I think, is a good day to forgive those people who I haven't forgiven. Today is a good day to forgive the people who shaped my life: to not only forgive, but to thank (with tears of forceful restraint in my eyes) the people who helped to make me into the person I am today.

Today was just great. Today was a sad, humbling day. Today couldn't have been any better. Tomorrow... maybe.. I will make a point of hugging someone... or at least trying... if I remember to.

I don't remember if I told my mom I loved her when I hung up the phone.... she told me that she loved me. I hope I remembered to say it back. When I left for college I had walled up so much that I was forcing out a meager "you too" whenever she said it. Thinking about all the walls I put up when I was home, and all the walls I still have up, makes me sad.. makes me tired.

"Your eyes shine so brightly I can't look into them. Your heartbeat pushes me away. The honesty and sincerity in your voice makes me feel alienated. The fire, burned into the ground in your every footstep only reminds me that I am dry leaves. I drift away in fear, but secretly wishing you would burn me with the rest of them."