I have been having some serious dreams lately. They are not nightmares, but when I have them I feel like an unmitigated absolutist, with all fear and uncertainty. My dreams are scattered images, all revolving around a specific group of people. I can't make out any of their faces, and I don't think I know any of them. Somewhere in the middle of all the images, always, things stop and the group is standing in a circle. We aren't looking at each other or associating with each other. It is more like a crowd of strangers. Each time, there is a girl in the group, standing in the same place, just alittle to the left across from me in the circle. She says something to me in an urgent tone of voice. I don't remember what it was, but I made it out a few days ago and I told my roommate. That was the first occurrence of the dream. Since then it has faded more and more and I am less and less a part of the group. It makes me feel lost.
I just asked my roommate if he remembered what I told him. He doesn't.
Last night, the dream happened as usual, until right after that part. I fell backwards and my mind went black. No joke, I saw a tunnel. That's gonna sound tacky if you read the rest of this, but it's for real. In my dream, the tunnel was behind me, but I was looking into it, as if I had eyes in the back of my head. I felt myself being drawn in and while it seemed to go on forever, there was a definite end somewhere close. A voice (which, in my dream, I thought was God), told me something like "Here's your chance. If you want this to be over, take it." and I "knew" that I could die right then if I wanted; that all I had to do was make it to the end of that tunnel, and it wasn't very far away at all.. but I was being drawn in and I didn't have time to think it over, and it just happened so fast. I could feel my death coming closer and closer, and I had all these mixed emotions, but the barely predominant thought in my head was "alright, take me". All until the last second, right before I hit the end of the tunnel, I started seeing images of people I cared about, and who I wanted to see again; people who I had such strong feelings for. So quickly, those images flashed in my head, and I was engulfed in a flood of emotions. In an instant of confused thought I said "stop it!" (in my dream) and woke up.
and now I wonder if it was real.. that is.. would I really have died if I had stayed with it? if it was real, would it be wrong for me to ask God for another chance?
I couldn't get back to sleep after that, only because every time I was about to fall asleep I coughed. Man, let me tell you.. the sheer volume of mucous I have expelled today has been mind-boggling. I didn't know I had the capacity for it.
I really need to do laundry tomorrow.
It's weird, I think, that the way we think of our peers is not exactly the way they think of us. Sometimes I catch myself thinking that way, caught in the delusion that when I make eye contact with someone they are seeing the exact same thing that I am... Sometimes I wish it were that simple.
Dear God... I cannot do what you require of me without your help.. And I am becoming increasingly sure of your purpose for my life. Please.... Help me do do what you have asked me to do cheerfully and diligently. Without you, I am a failure, not fit for anything. Therefore, dear God, build me into exactly what I need to be. Do not let the devil obstruct my calling. Amen.
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