Thursday, April 29, 2010

2:00AM again. Tomorrow morning I get to sleep in, but I have homework due in the afternoon. My only classes are Discrete Math and CSII... I might have some kind of test in Discrete tomorrow, I will make a point of studying for that. I have a really busy day ahead of me, too. If I am to sleep in and make the meetings I have scheduled with a few faculty, I will have very little time to BS a whole two pages about how an engineer shouldn't crap-up his designs or he might make himself responsible for someone's death. ...How ironic.

At dinner we had a great discussion about the ups and downs of being a Christian university. It's too bad, really. There's no way to perfect the Christian situation on earth. LeTourneau made itself into a bubble, where sins are looked down upon and therefore hidden.

Today at lunch I was faced with kindof a unique decision. (nothing real special, but I thought about it afterwards.) A friend of mine was complaining because there was a typo on a question that he didn't know the answer to. I think the typos might have been there just to make it confusing.... I mean, seriously? Are we to think that the very same test which people have been basing their course schedules on for years (that is, the number of English classes which will be required in their course schedules), would have so many typos? I don't think so. I think those were there because the problems were asking for specific types of errors: "spelling errors", "subject verb agreement", "misplaced modifier", etc. So the typos were there to throw us off.
Anyway, I knew the right answer, I am sure of it. When he explained it to me, I knew exactly what question he was talking about and I am almost positive that he got it wrong. Here's the thing, though: he was making such a big fuss about it, in front of a girl no less, that for me to explain it to him would probably have embarrassed him. On the other hand, when he gets it wrong, he said he will go to the teacher and complain at her. If he does that, he will surely be embarrassed as well. ... I didn't tell him. He is in a situation he can't win. (unless I am wrong about the whole thing, which is possible, but I am sure I am right.)

It's 2:14AM

I practiced piano two or three times this week. It was nice, hearing that and feeling my hands on the keys. Much better than not playing piano. =]

Not much else happened tonight. I have kindof a sore throat. I think from those frosted cheerios. They probably had corn syrup in them. (If I haven't mentioned here before, I am allergic to corn products. Nothing serious, but it's a pain). So I will drink some tea before bed, and maybe listen to a song or two. :)

God, please bless my friends and I. Help us to study hard this weekend. Help us to pass our finals, please, Amen.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

I don't remember much of what happened today, except that it was really good for the most part.

In the morning, I made some stupid comments (not the kind of comments that would hurt anyone or anything except my ego upon thinking of what I had said afterwards).

I think my roommate has these CDs playing on repeat. If not, I have heard them alot. Why won't he just give in and pirate all my music already. D: :P

It's 1:30 and I thought I would try to get some more sleep tonight. I have physics lab tomorrow and I have a paper due in the afternoon. It won't be too hard.

Today for Korean lesson, we didn't have a lesson. She just brought out some Korean food and we ate that and then took a walk. It was lots of fun again. She makes great conversation. It had some heavy moments, though. We talked about her past relationships, and what will happen with her current boyfriend when she leaves. It sounds like she has it all figured out, but I could hear her voice shaking while she talked about it. I listened to what she said, and then allowed the subject to be changed. I would have changed it myself, but I couldn't think of anything. I have been so tired today. In fact, she did most of the talking while we hung out, but I am glad, because I couldn't think of much to talk about, and I would rather listen to other people most of the time anyways. She told me that my hands shook really bad while I was eating. They did, I think it's from lack of sleep.

Speaking of lack of sleep, I'm gonna cut this blog short and get to bed. I will work on my English tomorrow, before class.

"like a little brother"

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Yesterday, had I looked at today, I would have known how today was going to go, and it would have gone exactly that way. While I was acting out the day, the things that happened went exactly as they would have gone, exactly as they went, exactly as they will have gone. Tomorrow I will look back, and it won't have changed. "we know."

I got my visa application in the mail today. I wrote a letter with it saying that I sincerely appreciated their help, and that I would sincerely appreciate them contacting me with any issues that come up regarding the state of my application. If there is even a small problem, I don't want them to dilly-dally getting it to me. I want to deal with it as soon as it arises so that the process goes quickly and smoothly.

Also today, while I was talking with my Korean friends about the application, one of them made a face like she was growling. I didn't really get it. I thought she was just making it for no reason at first, but she held it for most of what my other friend was saying, and most of my response. Eventually I growled back at her and she acted startled and then pretended nothing had happened. It was weird, but it made me laugh :). It's something that stands out in my mind today.

I practiced piano today for like an hour. I spent most of that time playing about a minute and a half of Winter Story, trying to perfect a certain 5 lines. Then, when I was done, I prayed. I have been telling lots of people that I would pray for them, but I can't remember them all at once. I have just started keeping a short-term record of anyone who pops into my head (whether I told them I would or not) and praying for them whenever I have some down time.

Today, I was tempted, but God helped me to overcome. Then I was tempted again, and caved to peer pressure. I didn't finish Lon Capa tonight, but I could have. I will work on it some more tonight and get in bed at around 12:30. (that's if I dont decide to get to bed as soon as i finish this blog).

I just worked out all the angles and physical measurements. Now I need to figure the forces. One more problem tonight, then I will do the rest tomorrow night.

I got it wrong, and now it is 1:15. I have 4 more chances. I will use them tomorrow.

Goodnight.

"On their wings, on our knees; crawling careless from the sea"

Monday, April 26, 2010

This is my 100th post. *cheers*
A glass of hot tea, 2:00AM, Iron and Wine (thanks for the recommendation). No homework due tomorrow.

I had a good discussion with my mom on the phone. It was totally weird. I told her about how I don't like "the Church" in general, but how I have been going to Tuesday church off-and-on. I told her a little about the Tuesday church, and she told me all about the church; she told me how the pastor preached (and what he preached about), the way people acted at the church, the music, the people who invited me to the church, all the way down to the way I felt about it. She knew, she told me about how she had been to the same church in a different life. She said that I was just like her, and that the church was just like a church she got involved with when she was my age.

For the first time since I hit adolescence, I think, I realized just how much my mom knew about me. She totally read my mail, and she made me miss her and Dad. I haven't done much missing since I got here. She confirmed for me, all the things I wondered about the state of the spiritual war around me. I love that God is using her to help me, because I need to be close with my mom. I haven't been for a while. She made me remember how much I love God, too. How much God loves me, and does not harbor so many negative feelings for me as I do for myself. Instead, God looks down to me as a Good Father would to His son, and he shows me the way to go if only I would follow it. But even if I stray from the path, he will not let me go too far without pulling me back. God, I know what the psalmist meant when he wrote "thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me". You, God, are great. I just can't say enough good about you.

I did get all that stuff into the mail today and am now working on getting my Visa. The photo was 15 bucks, which was alot more than the 75 cents I expected. lol. I am glad to have it gone. Less clutter on my desk. The rest is up to God. God, you know exactly how I feel about this. You know more about my motives than I do, and you know that at least my perception of my motives yields that they are pure and rooted in an honest desire to learn about your creations, and are related to a desire to do your will (inasmuch as I have prayed for your guidance with regards to this, and have prayed for you to close the door if it is not your will.) However, Lord, knowing that I want your will to be done above my own, please consider your servant when he asks that you allow me to go to Korea. God, please let me go to Korea; I ask in Jesus' name. God, please assert your will over my own; I ask in Jesus' name.

Today I remembered that I don't want a girlfriend (without having to remind myself..... it's significant. shut up.)

Today I sat and thought about all the things I would say to all the people I wanted to say things to. Today I decided that I wouldn't say any of it. Today, I think, is a good day to forgive those people who I haven't forgiven. Today is a good day to forgive the people who shaped my life: to not only forgive, but to thank (with tears of forceful restraint in my eyes) the people who helped to make me into the person I am today.

Today was just great. Today was a sad, humbling day. Today couldn't have been any better. Tomorrow... maybe.. I will make a point of hugging someone... or at least trying... if I remember to.

I don't remember if I told my mom I loved her when I hung up the phone.... she told me that she loved me. I hope I remembered to say it back. When I left for college I had walled up so much that I was forcing out a meager "you too" whenever she said it. Thinking about all the walls I put up when I was home, and all the walls I still have up, makes me sad.. makes me tired.

"Your eyes shine so brightly I can't look into them. Your heartbeat pushes me away. The honesty and sincerity in your voice makes me feel alienated. The fire, burned into the ground in your every footstep only reminds me that I am dry leaves. I drift away in fear, but secretly wishing you would burn me with the rest of them."

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Last week I thought that last week was going to be finals week, then I thought this coming week was going to be finals week, and now I am almost positive that the week following will be finals week. This time I have actually checked the finals schedule. I did little work on my physics over the weekend like I told myself I would, but it didn't help that the internet went down ("right when I was about to start") and my homework and study-work is online.

Tomorrow it is back to the grind, starting the day off with a healthy dose of LEGO's, then moving right along to Discrete Mathematics and Computer Science II, (which, by the way, I am feeling so confident about that I have not done the homework in sincere delusion that the homework will not take me very long to do. I am almost positive that I can knock it out in like 2-4 hours of serious work. I should really do that.)

Tomorrow I HAVE to get this crap in the mail. I HAVE TO. I will be bugging my friend for a ride to the PO all day if I can. God, please help me to get there and get everything done as I need it done. Please, please, please.

Look at me. I insult the Church, sin, break promises even to myself, slander the Lord's name and then ask Him for his grace and generosity. I am a self-righteous, self-serving, poor excuse for even a failing servant. I am a worse pharisee. I would better to sit shyly and never endure the loving company of another good friend. Yet in all my stumbling lack of competence, I ask God for forgiveness and He gives it to me.
What am I to think and do? I can't do a single good thing on my own, but I can't just sit and pray and ask God to make me do my work. How do I do good things apart from God giving me the motivation to do them? From where do I get my motivation? "Your goal is to fulfill God's plan for your life."Your goal is to make money"Your goal is to be able to support a family".. Ok, first, I don't even really know God's plan. I just have a tiny inclination as to what it MIGHT be, and based on my stronger inclinations (especially when I pray), I am more and more sure that that is not what God wants, but I don't see any open doors leading to God's plan (unless he wants me to find a way out in Korea, but I might not even make it there if I don't get all this crap to happen, and if the school doesn't start communicating with me). Second, I don't know how much I want to have alot of money. I would rather just be able to give a whole lot away. I think that is my gift: giving. ... but I'm not very good at it. There are some things which I would rather not give away (particularly new things.) But I think for the most part I would happily share with someone who asks. ... Third, do I even want a family? Do I want a wife? Well, God knows I would like to have a wife and family, but idk if there is a girl out there who would put up with the kind of travelling I want to do. Maybe I am in the wrong major. Maybe I should be some kind of missions major. And kids? Look at the world I would be bringing them into. Am I just a coward, insecure in my own ability to raise a son in the way that he should go? If that is the case, then I wonder, once again, if my fears are shared by my peers. Either I am simply thinking too far in advance, or I am a sorry excuse for a man.

I would benefit from a change of scenery really soon, I think. LeTourneau is not reality, and neither was Dugway. I have not been a part of a "functional society" in much too long. That is, a society which functionally disguises it's self-destruction as social improvements (kindof like Florida, but God-forbid I am placed there under any circumstances.). Dugway did not disguise it's problems, but caused more problems to cover them up and then pretended to ignore them all at once. LeTourneau is opposite Dugway on the spectrum. LeTourneau is a fantasy. They hide their problems alright. They ignore their problems so mind-bogglingly well. It's like the problem doesn't even exist apart from the parties who each, singularly, are afflicted (by the same thing), but are counted as such completely separated instances of the issue that --since there are "so many" issues(instances)-- they cannot be dealt with all at once, and therefore none of them can be dealt with. They consider investing in things like giant rocks instead.

"Then a speckled bird, humbly inspired, ran across the road when it could have flown, and it made me smile."
"I would never want some one so crass as to want someone like me."
You were completely right about all of it. You knew exactly what happened every single time. I can't win. I feel unable to change. There is no time left for me to fix this.

I feel insecure again lately. What do I have to be insecure about?

After the guy across the hall from me left, I thought we would be done talking behind people's backs, but instead I am hearing it about new people. It's any wonder, really. I am just as guilty.

Someone told me today that I should change the name of my blog to something more interesting. I am thinking of new names.

"Jesus hung with 12 guys and a prostitute. He was more like me than like you"

That quote makes me hate the way the Church is all over again. (maybe better put "what the Church has become", but looking into the history of the Church, it seems that it has been continuously going through a "bad phase". Starting as far back as almost immediately after Paul dies, and continuing until now --the crusades, indulgences, holy war, racism, male chauvinism, pedophiles, and I would even include general intolerance and all associated meanings to the list --which is vastly incomplete--). I am not even going to get into all the things I have against the Church in this blog. I keep hearing from people --who I respect-- that the Church is something instituted by God, and that it is something we should work at being a part of, and there are spiritual things about being a part of the Church which are even further beneath the surface than all of it's flaws. What can I do? I can't feel good about it. I am not in a position to change the state of things, but I would be if I were a respected member of any church. Unfortunately, I am not. I am a here-and-then-gone church-goer. I go as much as I can, but it is not as high on my priority list as I suppose it might "aught" to be. And I hate that the regularity with which I attend church is even halfway thought of as a measuring stick for my spirituality. I probably spend more time in "a church" (Spear Chapel) than most people on this campus who regularly attend church on Sundays, and I read the Bible and speak to God about as often. Why do I have to be an active member of a church?
Why am I even defending myself here? I am not being attacked.

To someone else, I would say "it could be because you are feeling guilty"... and maybe I am. Thoughts like that, where I am both wrong and right. or where I am just right enough so that something needs to be done, and just wrong enough so that nothing can be done. We hang constantly on the edge of complete and total destruction (or maybe just complete and total corruption) and that edge just keep moving further and further in the wrong direction. The line seems so thin, but we have been pushing it for so long that only looking back do we realize how wide the line really was (or was it. Are we so far gone, even now?) It makes me despise everything. I wish I could move constantly from place to place.
I want to travel forever, to escape reality, and... well, I would find myself even more alone than ever in the process. Being that kind of alone would be a difficult thing to get out of. The "alone" mindset seems to make it more difficult to meet people, because you can't just go talk to a stranger on the street and all-the-sudden have a friend.... or can you? The only way out is to get involved in a "community" where people feel safe enough with the people who they are around to allow themselves to make friends. Experience shows that we are never "really" safe with the people with whom we surround ourselves. (but thinking like that doesn't get us anywhere). I feel like I am referring to myself in the third person whenever I say "us" or "we" or even sometimes "you", because I always wonder if other people share the same sentiments or not. If they do, then the world is hopeless, because a majority realizes the problem, but nobody has the guts to do something about it. However, if they don't then one of two things is true: A)all my suspicions are confirmed --the world is F'd, and I am truly alone; or B)The world is fine and I am weird and crazy.
See? I can't win.

I'm so tired now. It is almost 4:00AM. I am probably not thinking clearly.

"We've stepped into a gray area"

Saturday, April 24, 2010

So, earlier today I was reminded of a dream I had a long time ago, and I remember it, because when I told my mom about it, she started making a slightly bigger deal about me writing my dreams down. Not so much bigger, but it seems to have made an impression enough for me to remember it.
In the dream, I am standing in a crowd, and I am a part of the crowd, and nobody knows each other. It's like new years eve in time square or something, only it's daytime in my dream. So I am standing there, and I feel something wet running down my arm, and my hands start to burn. I look down at my arm and see that I am turning very red, and there is blood coming out of my sleeve. While I am watching my hands, blood starts to come out of every pore, it looks splotchy and speckled at first, but eventually I am soaked. I start to fall sideways, and I see the person I am about to fall on step out of the way hurriedly and frightened, and then I wake up.

I spoke with my physics professor, and things aren't turning out so bad after all. God has blessed me.

My piano teacher forgot that we had lesson today. I called her an hour or two before to see if it was still happening and she said "yes" and I told her if she didn't want to have a lesson anytime just to tell me. She excitedly told me that of course she wants to have lessons and she would let me know if she didn't want to. So I waited and practiced for 30 minutes into the lesson time (which was originally 7:00), then sent her a text. She apologized and rescheduled for 8, so I sat around and practiced. She showed up on time and apologized enthusiastically, several times, and I was just like "it's fine! it's fine!". She is a really good friend.
I was supposed to ask her to go to that movie tonight, but I didn't. I'm such a chicken. I wouldn't ask her anywhere unless I thought she might like me, and I am almost positive she doesn't. Not that I really wan't her as a girlfriend, though... I mean, don't misinterpret that. She is just great. I mean, really awesome. If I thought she liked me back, I would probably ask her out in a heartbeat, but since I don't, I value her friendship alot, and I am kindof at a stage in my life right now where I am kindof telling myself that I don't want to actively try to get a girlfriend, but if one comes to me then maybe. I really don't want a girlfriend, but honestly, I am so easily swayed, I'm pretty sure most of the girls I know could get me to ask them out if they wanted; and it's just that. I shouldn't be that way. I am really happy with the friends I have; it's just hard to remember that sometimes.

A girl is graduating in 40 days. I had set my calendar to notify me 40 days in advance so I could buy plane tickets. That was back we thought we loved each other; when we thought we knew each other. It stirred up some emotions. Every time I think I am done thinking about that, something pops up and throws me through a loop. I am not as easily hurt by it as I was, but it still hurts, and the fact that it hurts at all is really selfish of me. She moved on to someone else, why can't I? and if I really loved her, I would be happy that she is happy... wouldn't I? I've had a few girlfriends before, and breaking up with them didn't leave emotions that lasted this long. I am still feeling withdraws from our conversations. We talked every day, and I felt it becoming strained as our conversations neared a close, but I didn't even think of why it could be. Why didn't she just tell me at the very beginning? .... and... on the other hand, somehow I think, in the back of my mind, I knew all along.

I can't win with girls. Changing subject.

God is closing doors for me. Dear God, thank you so much.

Tomorrow is an important day for me. God, please, please, please bless it. You know exactly what I mean, and I need you badly. God, I will do anything you ask, (because every plan of yours is good,) but I pray in your Holy Son's name, Jesus, that you would make this happen for me.

"That will never change"

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Today was good.

Today I wondered about some serious things
Today I lost something important
Today I worried alot
Today I died alittle more inside
Today I laughed
Today I prayed and almost cried
Today I praised God, but then found out I was wrong about what I was praising him for, and stumbled over myself trying to not take back the praise, but still disparage the cruel joke God had played on me (if it was God at all)
Today I saw a girl, but was too afraid to talk to her
Today I got some new music
Today I realized that I really didn't remember what it felt like to be hugged and to really hug back until yesterday. Maybe I will do that more often. It will take some getting used to. I have been giving side-hugs for a really long time.
Today I wondered what is worth saying, what is worth thinking. Am I limiting myself by limiting my thoughts
Today I wondered about what is with us, and if it is with us all at once, or if it makes rounds.
Today I might have encountered that black thing, but I ignored it. Like it doesn't even matter. I bet Gavin doesn't think much about it either. I wonder if it still watches him, too. We had some weird times together. I think our friendship can never be broken, except if God specifically decides to allow it to be

Maybe I just keep my eyes lower on the horizon.

"My heart can't see out through these cloudy windows. I would gouge them out for us to see each other better."

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

love

I remember who I was before :)

God has me here again.

I don't know where, but God will show me the way.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

I had another dream I wished I had written down last night. I am going to start writing them down tomorrow.

Tonight I don't really feel like writing. It's funny what cold air does to boiling water. "what? it steams. so what?"

it's like a song that starts without drums, and you think you know the beat, and you kinda nod your head or tap your foot to it (and you've never really heard this song before, but you like it) and then the drums come in on the off-beat and you have to stop dancing to readjust. Nobody was watching that false step, but they were all dancing on beat the whole time.

Today, I was disappointed, but I feel relaxed and scarily pleased with the way things are going. I need to talk to this person and that. I will be there. I have not done anything in my Korean homework. I am close to finishing, but not finished with, my formula sheet for physics. Trust I will have that thing on my arm all weekend.

As soon as it arrives in the mail.... I am as good as gone. Maybe I will disappear.

I'l have to be repaired by this weekend or the following week will be worse than it already is.

"It isn't so drawn out when I am out of breath"There it is, the future"see? We haven't missed it after all."

We wait so long for these things.

I'm fading in and out of sleep right now.

"but the dead are dancing with the dead."

Monday, April 19, 2010

It's 12:40 again. My dream last night was the same one I had the night before, I think. It was about a friend. It was just one of those really nice dreams, where you are talking with someone and there aren't really words coming out of your mouth, but the atmosphere is great and the surroundings are beautiful... makes me wish I could stay asleep forever. :)

I talked to the nurse today, and she reassured me that I am ok, and she said she would pray for me. I feel so blessed by people praying for me. God is just awesome.

aw man, I just had another coughing fit. Those have been coming and going all day. I will go for like two hours without coughing at all, then I will slowly build up to a fit, and cough nonstop for like 30 secs. Then it will calm back down to not coughing.

I put lots of good time into Computer Science today. I got that rec-letter to my professor. He says he will fill it out. I am an idiot, but I am sure he will be gentle with his criticisms. Dear Father, I pray that my Computer Science Professor would look kindly on me with his recommendation.

It is 1:00. I stopped to make tea and to talk to myself in the mirror for a minute. I have decided that on Wednesday, I will say this to my Computer Science Professor (I am writing it here, mostly, so I don't forget):

"Dr. B-, I'd like to ask you a question about this when you have the time.... Allow me to preface the question, (and don't think I am trying to gain anything by this; you have already graded me,) by saying that I believe that you are a Righteous, God-fearing man, and as such I value your opinion. So if you think that I am being dishonest by asking this question, let me know and I will apologize to you and God and mail this letter without another word. The question: if I mail this letter to HGU, will it hurt my chances of being accepted?"

Then maybe say something about what I would do if his answer is one way or another, and probably add on something diminutive about myself and how I don't really have the qualities asked for by that letter, but I would still appreciate a good review if it was found in the goodness of his heart to have given it to me. --and I totally am not being sarcastic or facetious. My respect for the guy is honest and real. And for the record, I have no ulterior motives to get him to change his review. If he offers to change his review, I will probably refuse, saying that it's better to go with your gut.... unless he insists.... you know, whatever.

Enough of that.

I had a talk(txt) with a good friend of mine recently. It doesn't seem like much, but that sentence carries more in-between-the-lines than some of my better paragraphs. God bless her.

*sigh*
Faith and Love


I feel like I have been putting up a front over the past few weeks. -Oh my goodness what am I saying- I can't decide whether to be completely vulnerable or completely impenetrable. My recent state of mind seems to make compromise between the two impossible. I have felt caught between looking at every person and thinking "You are God's creation, and as such I love and respect you, as if I were your brother" versus "You are another one of the people in this world who act without love or faith, sin compulsively, and die, and as such I hope not to be like you or around you for very much longer." -- the former being "vulnerable" and the latter being "impenetrable". People in this world are so disgusting to me, but the more I pray, the more I read and study God's word, the more I encroach upon this feeling of blind enchantment, even at only the complexity of God's work, not to mention the beauty with which He has created most everything. I feel increasingly that it is impossible to love God without loving each other, but how can I when there is so much evil in the world? How do I love someone without loving the way they are? How does God love the devil? and does God still love his creations with that eternal, everlasting love, even while they are burning in Hell? How long will he entertain that love for them before his sorrow begins to grow? Do God's emotions really act so differently from ours?

These questions will be in my prayers tonight.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Last night I had a different dream.. but I don't remember what it was right now. I remember wanting to write about it..... well, these things come and go. I should write those down as soon as they come to me.

It is 12:40 right now and I have a really early up tomorrow, and some tests, and I have studied Discrete Math today. I think with alittle more studying I can handle whatever is on the final. Tomorrow afternoon, before computer science, I plan to take as much of two quizzes as I can. Oh goodness.

I put in a good 5 hours of legos today. It's about time. we pretty much did the whole project today. I don't think they have done anything on that project in any of the meetings I've missed. All I saw from them was some advanced brainstorming, but the project is due tomorrow. One of them, who usually designs the powerpoints, is in charge of the powerpoint again this time. However, usually he does like half a powerpoint, and it doesn't meet any of the criteria, and I end up redoing the whole thing the night before. I won't be doing that this time. I hope he comes up with something good. Tomorrow we are meeting 30 mins before class. I hope we get all the kinks worked out right then.

.... I guess I shouldn't be so judgmental.

"I did this to you, too. So blind of me."
"We've changed since then"We are the same"I expect nothing less"You're so different" ...I remember a time... "Maybe when I say that, I'm not saying it to you."

Saturday, April 17, 2010

I did like half of that formula sheet today. It's tedious work, but I got distracted, and I mean it was one distraction after another for most of the day.

I have been having some serious dreams lately. They are not nightmares, but when I have them I feel like an unmitigated absolutist, with all fear and uncertainty. My dreams are scattered images, all revolving around a specific group of people. I can't make out any of their faces, and I don't think I know any of them. Somewhere in the middle of all the images, always, things stop and the group is standing in a circle. We aren't looking at each other or associating with each other. It is more like a crowd of strangers. Each time, there is a girl in the group, standing in the same place, just alittle to the left across from me in the circle. She says something to me in an urgent tone of voice. I don't remember what it was, but I made it out a few days ago and I told my roommate. That was the first occurrence of the dream. Since then it has faded more and more and I am less and less a part of the group. It makes me feel lost.
I just asked my roommate if he remembered what I told him. He doesn't.
Last night, the dream happened as usual, until right after that part. I fell backwards and my mind went black. No joke, I saw a tunnel. That's gonna sound tacky if you read the rest of this, but it's for real. In my dream, the tunnel was behind me, but I was looking into it, as if I had eyes in the back of my head. I felt myself being drawn in and while it seemed to go on forever, there was a definite end somewhere close. A voice (which, in my dream, I thought was God), told me something like "Here's your chance. If you want this to be over, take it." and I "knew" that I could die right then if I wanted; that all I had to do was make it to the end of that tunnel, and it wasn't very far away at all.. but I was being drawn in and I didn't have time to think it over, and it just happened so fast. I could feel my death coming closer and closer, and I had all these mixed emotions, but the barely predominant thought in my head was "alright, take me". All until the last second, right before I hit the end of the tunnel, I started seeing images of people I cared about, and who I wanted to see again; people who I had such strong feelings for. So quickly, those images flashed in my head, and I was engulfed in a flood of emotions. In an instant of confused thought I said "stop it!" (in my dream) and woke up.

and now I wonder if it was real.. that is.. would I really have died if I had stayed with it? if it was real, would it be wrong for me to ask God for another chance?

I couldn't get back to sleep after that, only because every time I was about to fall asleep I coughed. Man, let me tell you.. the sheer volume of mucous I have expelled today has been mind-boggling. I didn't know I had the capacity for it.

I really need to do laundry tomorrow.

It's weird, I think, that the way we think of our peers is not exactly the way they think of us. Sometimes I catch myself thinking that way, caught in the delusion that when I make eye contact with someone they are seeing the exact same thing that I am... Sometimes I wish it were that simple.

Dear God... I cannot do what you require of me without your help.. And I am becoming increasingly sure of your purpose for my life. Please.... Help me do do what you have asked me to do cheerfully and diligently. Without you, I am a failure, not fit for anything. Therefore, dear God, build me into exactly what I need to be. Do not let the devil obstruct my calling. Amen.

Friday, April 16, 2010

Oh heartache. Maybe God has blessed me with relief, but now I am sad in a different way. "It must have been so frightening"will you be alright"it isn't your fault"stay strong" it would be cynical to call it pity, but it is something like that... in the best sense of the word, I think. "A way for us to see if we still feel alive"

I have a friend who tries to start a new conversation with me each day. Wouldn't it make more sense to just never say goodbye? and to pick up where we leave off in the morning? "an action without meaning"

This tea feels so good on my throat. I wish I had a lot more of it. "Give to the fire, beyond the soul desire"

I have not done devotionals lately, like I should be. I have not practiced piano in nearly a week. I have not started working on my homework for Korean. I have not finished my formula sheet for Physics. I really need a complete formula sheet, because I fear I will not be able to memorize them otherwise, and I will need to have them memorized for the exam next week. "I drank a thimble full of fire, and I am never coming back" I can't help but feel like this all has to happen, even if it means I am barely holding on to my self-projected future the entire time.. Dear God...

I don't know what to think of my country right now. I did not like Clinton, I did not entirely like Bush, I do not like Obama. I doubt I will really like our next president.... but it's our president. We are all Americans, if the government sucks, we are to blame as a people, not as individuals. I am guilty by association. "Time is always right behind us; like a lamb under the gun; I'll hold on to this forever; this is never long enough"

Dear God, I want that you would impose your will on me. I can't stand all this guess-work. "I feel like God wants me here"I feel like God wants me there" If you would just make me do what you want, we would both be so much happier. If you would release me from my flawed perception and my flawed moral code and my flawed sense of being, even my flawed life. "I'm gonna take that grain and I'm gonna crush it all together into the flour of a bread as small and simple and sincere as when the dryness and the rain finally drink from one another the gentle cup of mutual surrender tears"

"My Love, where are the ashes buried from that bridge?"
"My Faith, we cannot rebuild a bridge with ashes."

Thursday, April 15, 2010

It is 1:00AM right now, but I don't have my early classes tomorrow :)

So there it is. It ended even more quickly than I thought, and now that it's over, it was too soon. Who really died here? ... Somehow, I think the drama is only half-way over. This will fade with the summer, and people will try not to think about it. They will just wonder...... and they might wonder forever. Like saying no to something spectacular .. but then keep telling yourself, "I live in a better place.... I am a better person.... I did the right thing" .... over and over until you have trained your head to keep that where it belongs. No matter how true it is (and it is all true) it's "just one of those things".

..... If I'm a good writer, then maybe that's mean of me to write here...

Today I took my physics test. I did better, because I studied a lot. Not enough, but hopefully I did better. Dear God, please, even in retrospect, repair my test. By your grace, give me a good grade, unless this is in your divine plan somehow. I cannot imagine. Your ways are so much better than mine. Maybe I will fail, and it will be what I have been praying for all along.

I have stressed myself into a fever, and I have a sore throat and a bad cough and headaches, but I keep telling myself "only a few more weeks". The body can do amazing things when given a deadline like that. I hope I hold out. My speech for English has been moved to next week.

I think I am done with my patterns for stars. Now I would like to turn it into a formula, but then I will take my "i%4==2" stars and learn to make that hourglass pattern I stumbled onto a while back. It was really cool looking, and I think it would make for some good sketches to hang on my wall later.... If I ever get around to it. I will definitely be bringing my sketchbook to PineCove.

Today I got a visit from my RD. He told me that I "have to" fill out the census. We kindof half argued for a second, mostly just me whining, but we compromised on me filling out the information accurately with the exception of my name. I changed my name to "person #1". Compromise is a good thing, because both sides get what they want, but when I do that over anything serious, I do feel like I am not getting everything I want <-- which, when I read it, seems really conceited (and alittle repetitive and confusing), but I mean it in the least conceited way possible. I just mean I feel like I am missing a part of the package I asked for.
...
Today I talked to student affairs about why I am not on the email list for study abroad. I went in there right after my physics test, and I was alittle emotional, so I teared up, but I am still official for Handong as far as I know. I just need to push through a few more pages of paperwork, and my parents REALLY need to get onto finding my passport. I need that copy like, by the end of this week. I think I will apologize for my teary..ness next time I see Ms. Martin. I feel like it was unprofessional of me.

My RA says he wants to read my blog. He says he has read them before and they were funny..... I don't remember writing anything funny. |||| I just looked over my old blogs. The only thing I could find that I thought was all that funny was the thing about parallelograms and sweeping generalizations (3-23)..... I guess......
Like I have written to the other people who ask to read my blog, I would appreciate if you didn't ever ask me about specific things I write in my blog in person. I don't want to have any "real-time" discussions about these things unless I bring them up, or unless you have learned about them elsewhere as well and something else brought it up. And even then, please don't reference my blog. As soon as I start caring what people think about the things I write here, my blog becomes useless as a place for me to vent.

Well.. I should let my roommate get to bed.


"Confirms my deepest held belief"

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Today was fairly productive. I did my classes and had my Korean lesson, and I got some time to myself, and I did my physics, and all that.

I told my Korean teacher about it, well, omitting several important details, but I got the point across. I was really depending on her trust when I did. She had written "God bless you" on the top of the homework she prepared. I am really glad to have such good friends.

My involvement with certain people has become a game of charades! and I am not particularly enjoying it, but I play along to be polite. After all, I am the guest in their story. I try to keep my chapters small, but meaningful. The party will be over very soon; not soon enough. "time to leave because the DJ's playing rhythm and blues"story of my life", however it ends, I think this is something we won't forget. To the hosts, thanks, (and I mean that in the most judgmental way possible). To my fellow constituents, you play so well; whenever our eyes meet I feel that mutual fear, love, anticipation, and trust. The kind of thing that holds your attention even after it disappears.

Analogies like that are fun, but the light-hearted overtone is just killing me. I hate having to paraphrase on my blog. Too many readers, too many thoughts crossing here, and I feel like I am unable to give a perfect picture of my point of view. My thoughts are too easily misinterpreted by a reader, just don't read too much into what I say, and you'l save us both some heartache.

Today I made great progress on my pattern for unicursal stars. Odd numbers all seem to follow a similar formula, which is oddly enough almost opposite my formula for even numbers (with the exception of even numbers divisible by 4, which I personally think all look stupid.). I haven't done much work with prime numbers, but 7 and 11 pointed stars seem to follow a pretty standard "odd-number" formula, and there aren't any even prime numbers.

Also, I read some of my old blogs last night. Sometimes it's good to do that to learn about one's self, I think. I was so angry with the church in the beginning of march, and I still am, but I wonder how I lost track of that fury. I really hate division in the church. I hate how we have so many churches, even churches of the same denomination, who won't work together. Why? Because of some insignificant detail in things as unbinding to your salvation as way they feel that they connect best with God in worship. Things which they would do best to learn from each other in anyway. Things which the entire church would benefit from learning to get along with and grow with. I've blogged about this before, and I'm not going to go into the detailed rant I went into before, but I can't stress enough the emotion that follows behind that word, "hate" when I say it in this context. Given the opportunity, I would gladly take several days of prayer and preparation for a presentation, and then offer it up to churches everywhere I could. The problem would be, though, that even then there would be people who pick out a small theological point of mine and throw out my whole argument on it's account. (hence the prayer I would put into it, and I mean LOTS of prayer. I wouldn't take on a problem this big without days or maybe even weeks of prayer and fasting for direction. Even prayer for whether I should take it on at all. If God backs the speech 100%, then the people who disagree are simply people who do not have ears to hear, right?)

Well, I have a physics test early tomorrow. Prayers PLEASE!

"Don't go holding out on me now"

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

So lately I've been reading this collection of letters sent by random people through history. It starts with a few books of the bible and goes all the way up to some letters sent by axis troops during the wars. Some of it is really interesting :) I haven't been reading it in order. Right now I am reading about some poets in the 1700s. Letters back and forth from John Keats to Mary Shelly (who is a guy...) and Shelly's wives. I've been really getting back into poetry lately. I guess it's just the mood I've been in. Don't judge me. :P

Today I had a conversation with a good friend of mine about some drama, and I think God was helping me with that conversation. I tried to give my best advice, and sometimes I don't think straight under pressure. The fact that the conversation happened, and the things we talked about made me feel really trusted. I think trust is one of the best things that people can have for each other, if not the best. *thumbs up* Also I felt really good about myself the other day, when I successfully rescued a damsel in apparent distress (although I feel bad for not doing it earlier. It must have been two hours). And as long as I am feeling good about myself, today I said hi to the girl from my discrete math class! and she said hi too^^

On that note, I have decided that I am paper in a windowsill and I really need to get my head on my shoulders. One day I think I "like" this person, the next that person. It isn't serious, I mean.. I am keeping it in perspective and not really dwelling on any of it, but I am convinced that it is better not to think of those things at all if I can help it. Girls are trouble; trouble I don't need. At least not until I know more about my direction in the not-so-distant future. Right now, I just want friends and study buddies.

I have approved my courses for study at community college in Pennsylvania. Now I just need to apply and start working out the cost.

Since I have been lacking in the coffee money department the past few days, I have taken to scoping out free-coffee hotspots around campus. Of late, I have frequented the teachers lounge in longview hall, as well as the library coffee machine. Both relatively good quality coffee, too (with tea as an option, depending on my mood)

Speaking of spots. That one spot I have been looking at is still there... I haven't really gone to it much, it seems like the surrounding area is trafficked too often, and it is inaccessible at certain times in the day. Nevertheless, it's a great spot and it almost never has people right in it. I think I might start eating lunch there when I am eating alone :)

Oh! Physics test this Thursday!! PRAYERS PLEASE!

Back on track, my lego's team met today without me again. They actually had a time set up with me for this meeting, but changed it at the last minute (surprise) to during church. (I do church on Tuesday because I'm busy Wednesday and there are no afternoon churches on Sunday. It's a good church.) I told them again that they need to schedule things with me at least a day in advance, because I am very busy. I did not attend the meeting today. I will email them tonight.

I didn't pick up on that awkwardness between my friends and I today... Maybe I'm just still hesitant to talk sometimes...

The network of bloggers on campus is steadily growing, but I think that most of them are not going to blog regularly. The number of IP's who visited my page doubled over the past week.. Somehow, I don't think very many of them are actually here for me o.0 (Not to push people away or anything, but I never intended/wanted this blog to have very many readers.. I guess... I don't really mind, but whatever.. you know..)

"Clouds moving slowly, moving quickly; keep the sky's light from reaching us, keep our light from reaching the sky."

Monday, April 12, 2010

It seems like I say goodbye to all my good friends at the same place on campus. --that field by the Trinities. The past few times I walked by there, even though I didn't say goodbye to someone, I felt like I was losing something. It wasn't something big, and it wasn't necessarily a bad thing, but it has become a habit.

I sit across from some Korean exchange students in discrete, and I have always wanted to say hi to them. Today after class, when I stood up, the girl across the row was staring me straight in the eyes and smiling. I was speechless for a second, I mean, she really is pretty, so I just looked back and smiled until something happened and the moment ended. It was kindof prolonged, though. I think it was deliberate on her part. We weren't far from each other in the hallway walking out, but she was with her friend and I was with mine. I said something to my friend and she turned around like she thought it was to her for a second. I was scared to talk to her for some reason... I am going to make a point of saying hi next time I have an opportunity, or after next class, whichever comes first.

Today I wished I was in a bigger field. I remember being in Germany. There was a sunflower field down the road in Vilseck, and when we went to it, it was all we could see in every direction. That might be my favorite memory... running with my dog in that field. It was beautiful, and I was like 9 years old.

There is so much drama going on right now. To be honest, it makes me more afraid. I am not afraid for myself, but for my friends. God, you are in control.

I practiced piano today for only the second time since my last lesson. It was really nice. I need to put a lot more work into that song, "A Winter Story".
My Korean practice has not been doing much better. I practiced Korean for only the second time since my last lesson. I got a lot more done this time, but I am far from finished.

I think I might not make as many womanizing jokes anymore. I mean.... sometimes, but recently I felt convicted because while the jokes can be funny, they reflect a horrible part of our history. I have too many good friends who are girls, and the thought of them being hurt in any way almost make me cry, even though I am sure they are safe. (and always hope so)

I think similarly about threatening jokes.... I don't think I will make those anymore.

Speaking of verbal abuse, I got in a few short arguments with the person across the hall today or yesterday, and I felt really vicious during one of them. I feel sortof bad about that.

I still feel a silence like when I was not talking. It's a small, awkward feeling between me and my friends whenever we talk, and it makes me hesitate about everything.

"I can't keep up, because you're so far gone."
It's two o clock

Tonight I feel like I am caught up in a lot of drama. I'm not going to write it.

However, speaking of drama. I think I want to ask someone out, but I am afraid. It's weird with these things. If she says no, then I still want to be friends, but then she might always think "but he still likes me", and I don't want that. Also, I don't want to be just another LeTU guy who likes a girl who doesn't like him back. I wish girls would let you know when they liked you. If I knew she would say yes, then I would ask her without thinking twice.

Girls just give me headaches. I can't win.. especially here. It seems like the gentlemanly thing for the guy to make the first move, but if he is wrong, he is a creeper, and since the girl can't make the first move, there is almost no way of knowing, and he is left with like a 50 50 decision, which isn't something that you want to hang a really nice friendship on. It isn't who you think.

"The silence isn't breaking."

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Nothing really happened today. It was pretty much video games all day. I don't plan on having more days like this in the future.
Tomorrow, I am going to go to chapel, and I am going to pray. In fact, I am getting to bed early tonight and I plan to wake up a bit early tomorrow.

Right now, I miss the feeling of being small. When I was a kid, I remember really enjoying hiding in the attic or in a closet. From in there, I could imagine the whole world around me, or I could choose not to do so. I was completely safe, even from getting in trouble. There wasn't much wrong I could do from my hiding place. I even remember making a point of finding places like that throughout the house in every new place we moved.

These days, people tell us we are the leaders of tomorrow; that we control the future and that we have so much ahead of us.. They make me feel like a tower with little support. I am built up so tall, but should a gust of wind come it would blow away all my dreams. Sometimes, I think it is comforting to remember how small I really am, and that God is so much bigger. He is my only real comfort.

Psalm 32:7
Thou art my hiding place; thou shalt preserve me from trouble; thou shalt compass me about with songs of deliverance. Selah.
Today I didn't really do my physics. I mean, I got it done, but I got most of the formulas from a friend. Also, I have been going to simple English Wikipedia more recently. :) Right now, I am trying to hold a conversation with a friend and blog at the same time. It isn't really working out. I think I will stop blogging for a sec....
....
Ok. what else. Oh! I am going to put up my laundry really soon.

Today I went to Spear Chapel to pray, and my piano teacher was there, getting lessons from her teacher (because there is always a bigger fish?). I kinda knew she would be there, but I didn't really. --Right now he's talking about why he likes his girl. These things are always interesting-- So I prayed, and I made a point of praying for her. I have tried to do that every time I pray, because she has been a real good friend to me. When I got done I came out, and she was still there, but her teacher wasn't. I told her she was really good, and asked her about what she was learning. She is really good. She made a face, like an exaggerated smile, and I couldn't get what it meant, but I noticed it, for a split second. We both wanted to say something when I left, I think. I stopped at the door and called back if she was going to hootenanny, and she said yeah, and on my way out she asked if I was going to dinner. I was, and she said she'd come. it was real nice.

I feel like I am writing in really point-by-point sentences right now, and I don't like it. I'l blame it on the conversation happening behind me.

So anyway, she said I aught to sit with her floor more often, and I think I will :). She owes me another haircut, too.

There is something I am refusing to acknowledge.. that is, I recognize it's existence, but I am denying that it has meaning... I guess I can't really write about it, can I?

I just retold the story about a girl to the guys in here, and teared up alittle. My friend was asking. I am almost sure that she doesn't think much about it.

Then we had hootenanny, which went really well, except one of our signs was upside down (which turned out to be great anyways). Most of the acts were really funny, and afterwards the dean of students proposed to his girl. I was shocked for a good ten minutes at the end. The end was just such a great surprise! Then the guys from my skit had cookies, courtesy of "JAH"'s mom and dad. They were delicious. Then, we went and saw the dean of students get thrown into the pond (as congratulations for his proposal and the "yes").
:) I am going to say hi to the people who were in my act whenever I see them. They all were really cool.

There's a girl here who I had a crush on for a few days starting like a week ago, but then I decided against it. Yeah, she is really pretty and smart (it probably isn't who you think), and yeah she is a good Christian, with a classic style, but she doesn't look at me much, and I think she is just as much chased by other guys. She is "out of my league".... that is, not that any other girl I would like is any less for being perceived as dateable.

Right now, I am working on balancing my thoughts. The idea is what you think about controls your actions. I want my thoughts to be on God constantly, and even when I think about school, I want my motives to revolve around learning ->so that I can glorify God. I think that as long as our motives are in the right place and we aren't sinning, using our gifts, even if we aren't directly using them for ministry (though we should always try to do that), is glorifying to God. Lately, I have felt like I want to do all I can to praise God, and I feel like I just can't do enough. I don't mean that in a negative way, just like, I keep doing and doing, I can't do enough.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Right now, it is 1:00 in the morning. My roommate is on his computer, and I have a test tomorrow. He says he will leave whenever I want him to, but I am enjoying his music, and I am overdue to write a blog.

I talked on the phone with an ex girlfriend of mine today.. it was the most recent one, and I think I am really getting over her. Talking on the phone didn't stir up any feelings like it used to. I feel really blessed by that. We talked for like an hour, and would have talked longer, but I had to work on my presentation. She is dating someone else.

I also had a really good talk with my Korean teacher the other day, or, I thought it was a good talk. It was like normal, but for a minute or two it got real heavy. I asked her what she thought about the relationships between guys and girls here, because I imagine it must be stressful for some of those girls to be asked out so often (not so stressful for others, I guess.) She seemed to feel strongly on the subject. She talked about how some guys, LeTourneau guys, will go to Korea to just to find a girlfriend, and about how some of her friends have been hurt by guys who go there and right away get a girlfriend, only to break up right before they leave. It's really disgusting that that kind of thing happens. She told me that she believed that I was not like that, and neither was her boyfriend, or one or two other people who she knew --and she used the word "believe" a couple times. The way she said it makes me think that she is still very cautious. Like someone looking at a shell, saying "I believe that there is something good in there".

I think I am going to be harder on the guys who pick on me, saying that I only want to go for the girls.. because that is a more serious accusation than it seems, and it really isn't true. I mean, I guess getting a girlfriend while I am there would be a good thing, but I really am not looking right now, and I don't plan on making that a priority while I am there.

"I don't expect this to change anything.. It is just a dream you're having. We are here and then gone, together and then apart."

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

"If I go there... you will probably only see the worst of me.."

"That's the way it aught to be."I don't see how we can have it any other way."This is not how I planned it"I saw it coming... I really did"You are so focused"

"This isn't 'goodbye'."

"So it isn't."

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Today was really good. I even got myself a coffee to celebrate how great today was :) it was a good coffee, too.

Today I wondered about something really cool, but I don't remember what it was. It's harder to follow those kinds of things when I am talking to people....

I am still scoping out that spot. I went there today, but there were people near enough to hear and I didn't want to be around them. I wonder if that is normal, that kind of aversion to being around people who I am not immediately "with", --unless I am already with a group. I guess that is a very personality dependent thing. My dad was the same way, I think.... I am still convinced that the spot isn't heavily trafficked for the majority of the day and week. I just need to find the right times to go there. Times when people aren't looking for a quiet place to study.

It is really hard to think right now. Today has just been one good thing after another.

I have been stammering alot more since I started talking.

... oh, focus. I wanted to write about what happened today. Nothing really, I think I am done with all of my financial aid, all of it. The only thing left for me to do is apply for a community college, which I am in the process of doing. I missed breakfast, like usual. I went to physics, which was the same as always, and I just came out feeling really good. I ate lunch and went to English, where we watched a movie. Then I went on a walk with Joseph, which I initially really didn't want to do, but I did anyways. Somewhere in there I got coffee and went to my spot.
Then there was frisbee, and my team lost, but it's ok. I figured out what I am going to do for my presentation in English. My teacher wanted something really low-key, so I am doing "how many LeTU students does it take to change a lightbulb?"

Then, just a few minutes ago, I went to Buffalo Wild Wings with some friends. I missed church today for hootenany practice, which was another highlight of my day. I talked with someone who I have been kindof meaning to try and start conversation with. That was nice... er.. "with whom". I should really stop ending sentences with prepositions. (lol hypocrisy; correcting something, and being at fault during correction. I made a pun.)

I think hypocrisy is one of the worst things to be accused of... "of which one can be accused". Even if it's just a joke. Also, murder jokes are getting to ring more and more serious to me lately. I can't brush them off like I used to.. or maybe the jokes themselves are escalating. At any rate, I plan on thinking out and executing a well thought-out confrontation with a certain person who has been doing that alot.

I am running out of toothpicks...

Oh, to finish this blog. Someone new asked to read my posts. If you get to the bottom here, just, please don't ever talk to me in person about my blog, or reference my entries to me. I might allow one or two exceptions on a case-by-case basis.. but the general rule is, once that starts happening I am going to make this blog private and nobody will read it. It will just be for me to post on. I never want to have a real-time discussion about any of my entries here unless I initiate it. It's ok to post comments, whatever, but as soon as I start caring what people think when I write here, I become less honest with myself and this blog becomes useless as a means to vent. --no matter how seemingly meaningless a piece of information presented may seem. I hope this paragraph wasn't difficult to understand.

"Everything the light touches..."

Monday, April 5, 2010

I guess it's about time I wrote about what I learned over lent.

Today was good, and it wasn't as busy as I thought it would be, but it should have been. I will not have my Korean homework done on time. I got rid of a bunch of video games on my computer today, or, well, I locked them up. Some of those have some really rare cracks, and I wont lose them.

Hootenany practice today went well. lol, I feel like I was just noticed for the first time by my teamsters. I hadn't talked before then, and most of them didn't know about my commitment.

I got in touch with my mom, and I got some more financial aid related stuff done. My roommate just walked out of the room and turned on the light on his way out. The room feels warmer with it on, and I am uncomfortable all of the sudden.... I'm gonna go turn it off.

Learning the lyrics to this song I've had stuck in my head all day. He just came in and turned the light back on.

So lent. I gave up talking in order to become a better listener and to hopefully get some wisdom and closer to God out of the experience. I think I met that goal, but not alone of course. "What has love become?" I prayed alot for my friends and I asked God to help me to be a blessing to them, to show me what blessings are appropriate to give people. I asked God to give me a better appreciation for people, sortof. I kindof asked that indirectly, but the point came across I think. I asked God to help me to appreciate praise and to help me to praise him with my whole self. I finished Psalms near the end of my commitment, and I think that God used that to help me to understand how to think while I praise. Before Lent, I also struggled with how to think while I prayed in general. Like, how do I know who I am praying to? I would sit and I pray into this ethereal nothingness above me. When I pray, should I focus my prayers on the cross? no... that wouldn't make sense, because I shouldn't be praying to icons. Should I focus my thoughts on the space immediately above my head? no... that isn't God. "well, Zac, focus your thoughts on God". It isn't that simple. What is God, and where is he when I am praying? "Zac, He is all around you." "He is in heaven, listening." "He is everywhere." "Wherever two or more are gathered in His Name, there He will be also." Ok, so I have never seen heaven, and that might not even be a physical location. I can't imagine that God is there, and direct my prayers toward that location. I can't point my prayers at the sky, because I want to pray to God, not to the sky. Idk. Those just didn't do it for me. It sounds dumb, probably, but that is something I had an issue with. I just couldn't feel like I was really reaching God. It was like the song "I am starting to think that your voice was really my own, bouncing off the ceiling back to me. Do your clouds stop your voice?"... and while I can't say I came to an answer which I am capable of verbalizing, I think I found my answer to that.
I am still perfecting human relations, I think. I am still working out the difference between loving everyone (including my enemies) and being in love with someone, loving my family, being friendly with others, and tolerating everyone else. I think I made alot of progress with that. I have been much more talkative since I came out of lent. I think that is temporary --at least I hope so. I hate being a talker. I don't really like talkers either. I like people who are good conversationalists, but who can be quiet with me, and who can stop talking to enjoy the fresh air. The feeling of cool, clean air in your lungs, with your eyes closed... This room smells like quesadillas right now.
I got a few other things out of lent. I guess they can be summarized as "closer to God", but they are really more specific than that. I just can't really verbalize them.

I am going to quit and do some English homework and then some Korean homework (if I have time)

"I understand because our hearts are the same...Was that a smile?"

Sunday, April 4, 2010

i am so out of it RIGHT NOW. I am going to bed as soon as i finish this blog.

what happened today? nothing really. well, no. stuff happened. i can talk now. i called my korean teacher like she said to, like i said i would. she woke up for the call. lol. i am done with lent. i have a lot to write about and no time to write it. that is just too much to review all at once.

I went to a dance tonight, and I messed up alot, but it was lots of fun.

When I got back, I talked to the guy who invited me to that church with the speaking in tongues. I talked to him for like 30 minutes, and afterwards on the way back to the dorm I kinda tried babbling to myself alittle just to see if I could do it with the same feeling as I did that one time. It didn't really work. When I got to my dorm room I felt really agitated at nothing and I immediately left to go to spear chapel. When I walked through the doors of the chapel, I felt really heavy, and I kinda fell over. I had a panic attack in the prayer room, but it was more than that. More like a heart attack or a seizure. I prayed the whole time for God to get rid of it if it wasn't him, or to make it happen faster if it was. I am not thinking clearly right now. I am still having a little bit of trouble breathing. I feel like my lung collapsed and then came back or something. Not that I am linking that with speaking in tongues or anything, but I think praying helped. I sat and prayed for about 30 mins I think after that. Then I came back and did laundry and told my roommate that I think God is doing something really cool, really soon.. and to be honest I don't know where that came from either, because I don't know what God is doing, and I sure hope it's cool, and I sure hope it's soon. I feel God telling me something, but I just am not hearing it. I have been praying alot about this church --whether I will go to it or not. I am afraid even for that.

I wish I was a better piano player. If I was really good, I would seriously drop out of school, find a nice coffee shop in need of a live pianist, and I think I would just stay there for the rest of my life.

I have computer science homework due tomorrow, which I haven't done. I have english homework due on tuesday, which I haven't done. I have physics homework due on wednesday, and I told myself I would do a problem every night, but I haven't done one tonight. Right now, I just feel dizzy and tired and sweaty and I have a headache behind my ears. I am going to sleep.

Friday, April 2, 2010

So I sent Ms. B and email today asking if I could teach the class how to make R.D.X. in small amounts. The recipe is about $120 if you get quality chemicals (as in, not from ebay), and it only makes like a teaspoon of the chemical, so I figured it was impractical enough to be ok, and on top of that I would be legally obliged to explain to the class why they should never ever ever ever ever actually do it.

Not long after that I had piano lessons. I got distracted and texted my teacher 30 minutes into the lesson saying something like "oh no! im so sorry! i got distracted! can we still have lessons?" and then I apologized again in pretty much every following text in the short conversation. We still had lessons. At the beginning of each lesson we pray. I prayed before I stopped talking, and now she prays. Today, though, was unique, I thought, because she really prayed alot of blessings on me, and made me feel really special. Then, afterward she asked me when I could talk again. I told her tomorrow night at midnight. She said I had to call her right at midnight, and that she would be waiting. I feel really blessed to have her as a friend, and I certainly pray for her as often as I remember to. One or two of the guys in my dorm acted like she must "like" me after that, and it's times like these when I wish I could tell, but I am enjoying being single at the moment. I am not too worried about it.

After that, I walked around campus alittle, and I found a really obscure spot, where I had never thought to go before -- but the view is just great, and I don't think that it gets alot of traffic, so I will be scoping out that spot for the next few days. Maybe I will go there alot more often to relax and pray. That way I wont interrupt people at Spear so often lol. And then I accidentally missed all the Church events that were happening tonight, and I ate pizza. That's pretty much the highlights of my day.

Now, I haven't really thought this one through, but for the past couple of minutes I have been entertaining these two logical arguments. They are kinof "1=-1". The situation is this: imagine person B is being annoyed by person A. Person A is not hurting anyone, and not really doing anything wrong, but he knows he is annoying person B. They get in an argument and these two trains of though occur:

Person A:
You say that you are angry because of what I am doing --that I am causing you to be angry, and essentially, that I am making a poor decision by doing so. However, anger is a choice. Your lack of patience is a choice to be angry. I am not doing anything really wrong, and you are the one causing conflict with your poor decisions.

Person B:
Anger is not a choice, patience is a choice. It is not that I have chosen to be angry, nor that I have chosen not to be patient. Instead, I have simply not chosen to be patient. Anger is instinctive and cannot be removed by choice, only suppressed --and suppression is not an immediate act, but takes time and breath. Therefore, anger is unavoidable for at least the time immediately after it has arrived, and the time it takes to avert is dependent on the actual capabilities of the host. You, knowing what provokes anger, have chosen to put me in a position where I am incapable of feeling anything less, at least for the time being. You have caused the conflict, and you have chosen poorly.

That's what I've got. I figure they are both wrong, but it was a fun argument to invent. I made the arguments real wordy, I know, but I did that to stress certain words, probably most imminent was the word "Chose": "Chosen to be angry"; "Chosen poorly"; etc.. I really wanted to rewrite person B's "not chosen to be patient" to "not yet chosen to be patient" for consistence, but that would allow in a double meaning where one meaning is caught more readily than the other. I realize that without it, his argument seems inconsistent, but it is better for getting my point across.

Well, it's time for bed. I really want some coffee, but I don't have decaf grounds.... ugh, I can just taste it.. I am gonna go make myself some tea before I sleep.

"I hope that I don't sound too insane when I say there is darkness all around us. You talk to me with your voice down so low I barely hear you, but I understand because my heart and yours are the same."

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Ok. the rest of today.

Last time I blogged it was right after lunch. I did physics after that, all the way up until physics lab. Now I don't have anymore physics to do. I have no real homework this weekend. (well, I have to make up a 5-7 minute presentation with detailed instructions on how to do something. I think I will give instructions for doing something edgy or illegal, just for kicks.

dig it.
(for the right-wing extremist [jk]. more like for the completely stupid. Interesting to know, really dumb to practice. [unless we are conquered by another country and need to fight for our homes or something. you know, on the off chance.])

This could be an interesting experiment. Certainly one that will make my English prof question my sanity. I'l try to keep it relatively low-key. (especially since my English prof seems to have scheduled this assignment to coincide with the renewal of my voice to the public.) The most promising one I have seen so far is the kitchen brew of R.D.X (and a few stabilizing mixtures). The price, altogether, comes down to about 50$ for just a few mL of the stuff making it yourself (unless you happen to have some of the weirder chemicals on hand). Completely impractical for anyone planning anything serious, but still volatile enough to be interesting. I wonder if I will get in trouble for it. Probably not..... I will email the teacher in advance to make sure it's cool.

I actually helped someone else with Lon Cappa today. Much better than being helped. Shane tells me all I do is type all day. I'm listening to Dillinger Escape Plan now. I think I could really get used to Mathcore, and this band practically started it.

Today, I thought about relationships some more. I know that's been a theme of mine lately. I attribute the trend to a sudden increase in campus freshmen couples in the past few weeks. Ok, I don't remember all the logic or depth I went through on this subject, but I did explore what people of several worldviews would think about this. I don't want to run it all through in my mind again, but I think the general idea I arrived at is that any marriage which isn't centered around God is basically a licence to have sex without feeling bad, and is therefore worthless. If you are motivated wrongly, you might as well not be married and just live together and have babies. I think that Christians should go ahead and let gays be married. In fact, I think that we should let marriage deteriorate into nonexistence outside the Church. I think that the Church aught to just give marriages to Christians, (who cares if they have to pay some taxes. Give to Caesar what is Caesars). Let nonChristians work out the stupidity of the whole idea on their own over time. I think marriage would be just fine as a weird practice which only Christians practice. Of course, if Churches were to put what I am suggesting into practice it would tremendously accelerate the moral decline of the world around us. Not necessarily a bad thing, as it could possibly mean the end times, or easier converts in their struggles.

The other thing I thought about today, was how I am starting to feel closer to people. I am beginning to feel a real attachment to certain individuals around campus, and I wonder if they feel the same intense respect for me as I do for them. I could even name them if I named people on here. I think the headcount of people who I am beginning to feel at home with on campus is nearing 5. maybe 6 or 7. It's hard to say. I am still worried about myself around some people.

People keep telling me I need to come up with a good first phrase. I honestly have no idea. Like, that is such a crazy thing to ask. All the really deep phrases are secretly cliches and I don't want to quote anyone (unless it's the Bible, and in that case it had better be an obscure verse or it will be the same thing they here all the time) What I would really like to do is walk in to the quad after about a good half-hour to an hour of praying at Spear (my "real" first words) and scream at the top of my lungs at everyone in the lobby. I have been wanting to do that for a while. I don't think I could bring myself to do it. The last time I remember yelling was on a roller coaster with Gavin, and that's probably just because it was with Gavin that I could do it.

But about that first phrase. Here are my ideas so far: "God loves you"; "*yelling*"; "*something about how doing this doesn't mean my faith is any more hardcore than theirs, as some people have hinted to me*"; "*something simple and anti-climactic like 'hi'*"

and that's all I've got. The next quote isn't being considered for my quote, but I thought it was appropriate to a certain train of thought I have been following lately (and may or may not have mentioned in my blog. If I have or haven't is irrelevant, really).

"Fallen Angel, how you've changed. Poison runs through your veins. Who clipped your wings, so useless? Cut.. You cut them yourself? Chewed off your own.. Good thinking. You were coming apart, and I thought I could help you through the fever"
physics, physics, physics. I have physics lab in 4.5 hours, and I have lon cappa due tonight.

I messed up my vows again today. It was totally random, too. I guess I am getting into kindof a mentality where I feel like I can talk again. It's like, I haven't talked in 43 days, and most people will at least allow themselves to talk on Sundays. I feel like I have already completed the challenge. So what happened was I was walking around msc, and I saw Sean and Deena. I ran up to them, and when I got about 5 feet from them, they totally started making out. So, I jumped in front of them and said "am I gonna have to sit in between you two?!" it's funny, because Deena didn't pick up on my mistake, but Sean did. I didn't even realize it until Sean gave me a funny look.

It's whatever. I have three days left. At this point, I figure I can stop any time and still feel accomplished, but I will ride it out if I can. That and it's just getting especially hard not to talk since I have that kind of attitude about it.

Today has been good so far. I am going to work on my lon cappa until around dinner.

Interesting I am blogging so early in the day. I guess I had to get that out that I had messed up. Well, later. :)
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my pet!