Today I woke up at 1:30. I didn't do much of anything all day. I "read" most of the current chapter in CS2. I really didn't want to be reading that, and had a very hard time concentrating.

I got a haircut not too long ago. That was something. It is very different from my usual style, but my piano teacher emphasized that she thought it was really cute. I should have seen this coming since I told her to do whatever she wanted. I had a hard time getting used to my reflection in the mirror. At first it looked alot like someone I know, so I made her change the bangs. I really do like it. It just changed me so much, and it came across to her as if I don't like it. She said she was very sorry I didn't like it and all. I kept trying to tell her I did. I really wanted to just give her a hug because of the face she made. I felt so bad. I just raised one arm and put it on her shoulder, which is something I have been doing more often lately. I am not very physical, and alot of the people here are, so I have been trying to be more that way. I remember my brother used to put one hand on my shoulder and tighten his grip and then let go. He didn't do it very often, but that used to have a really profound relaxing effect on me, so that's the first thing I am trying to learn how to do. I am not very good at finding a place for my hand on people's shoulders yet. I don't have alot of opportunity for practice. I hope I did it right that time. I wonder if that's an acceptable maneuver for guys to do to girls who aren't "significant"... I'm sure it is.. Idk. I think the thing that really made me think it was ok to do to her was that she touched my arm before we went to cut my hair and asked "are you ready?". I was caught off guard by it alittle. I was glad I couldn't talk. I might have made a fool of myself.

I think I am a primarily verbal person. My mom wasn't. I would tell her I loved her, and expect her to remember it. I learned that that was wrong. She feels loved when people do things special for her, especially things that reduce her work load. I would do something as simple as the dishes and she would feel loved, but we had some difficulty communicating until I figured that out. She would do chores for me, and I had to learn that that was how she was telling me she loved me. I remember once she read this one book by Dr. Dobson, and it told her about how trust is earned, and some other stuff that may have been true, and might have worked for some other kids, but I am not other kids. After that, when I would do something wrong, she would tell me that her trust for me was diminishing. I hated that alot. The first time she told me that I felt terrible for like a week. Not being trusted is the worst thing, especially when it is your family. I can kindof understand with little things, and I know that there are some areas where I don't necessarily deserve to be trusted -- like the food in the fridge (someone stole Sean's pancakes, and it wasn't me this time, but I have been asked about it at least 3 times). You know... I think that bit about being verbal and my mom and stuff will be the topic for my next essay in English class. We have to write a narrative about a life lesson we learned.

Right now, I feel really close to God. It's like God is with me, and it's very comforting. ... I've been tearing up alot lately. Not always sadness, but just whenever I feel something strongly, and it isn't even really like I am crying, but my eyes feel wet for a second like I am about to cry, then they go back to normal.