I have 14 days left of my vow of silence. This morning was really slow, but the afternoon went by quickly. I think mornings are going to be slow for a while.

I have finished my part of the registration process for going to Handong next semester. Unless something unexpected happens, I am official for korea.

Today, I'm thinking about how people get more imaginative when they are tired, and I wonder where the line is drawn between that part of going to sleep, and the stage where people are so tired they just don't want to talk. I guess, not that I really want to talk when I am tired and imaginative... maybe I do. I will experiment with that.

I have had "you are my sunshine" stuck in my head all day.

Last night, lying in bed, I tried to make myself have a nightmare. I stared at the boxes on the bunk above mine, for some reason convinced that the best thing for me at that very moment would be to be scared beyond reason. I looked so intently at a specific black box above me, that it seemed to grow for a good long time, until it was all I could see, but then I blinked and I was back to normal. It was the weirdest thing. For a second, while that was happening, I felt like my lungs were going to come out of my chest, and when I snapped back to reality, my heart was beating incredibly slowly for a good several seconds. I wondered if that was what it was like to have an "out-of-body" experience. when my heart sped back up, it sped up very quickly and went from odd-meter to odd-meter.

I thought maybe I was willing myself to death somehow... Lately I have had some really weird fantasies about dying and suicide. Like, sitting in the balcony at chapel, I had a really vivid daydream where I stepped on the chair in front of me and did like a swan-dive off of it. I started drawing a picture to take my mind off that. Over spring break, my sister was driving down the highway with me in the back seat of her little car, and I caught myself daydreaming about opening the door and somersaulting under the wheel. I wondered if I could land my head under the tire before she realized what was happening and swerved away and stopped. Before that, I have, on several occasions imagined various ways my head could be chopped off. It's really sick, I know, and it isn't like I want to kill myself, but for some reason, death is just a really desirable thing sometimes. It isn't like I am any more depressed than I always am, not that I am always depressed either. Am I happy? I have been, but I can't pick out how I was happy or what stopped it.

I played piano at chapel yesterday and today. It felt good to be on a real piano again. My keyboard is good, but It is nothing like the real thing. And besides that, it is too short for all my songs. I have to compress them down to.. i think the keyboard is 4 octaves, idkrn. It is on the top bunk at the moment and I don't want to climb up there and count them. That's when I am happy, when I am playing piano or drawing. Those are things that I enjoy, and things with which I can easily praise God. In highschool, I remember at both of my highschools I asked the band instructor if they would let me learn piano. They both said they needed more trombone players, "so no". I wonder where I would be if I had learned earlier.

Out of curiosity, I just looked up the word "insane" online for a definition. You know, as long as I was talking about being a danger to myself earlier. So here is the definition I got: -Insanity is a spectrum of behaviors characterized by certain abnormal mental or behavioral patterns. Insanity manifests itself as violations of societal norms, including becoming a danger to one's self and others, but not all such acts are considered insanity- That's about the best one I could find. I couldn't find the dimensions of the "spectrum" without getting into specific illnesses. I can't wait to take my psychology elective :L :)