Wednesday, March 17, 2010

"sure, umm, look i dont know exactly how long it will take to find that. let me get it to you by tomorrow night. i will email it to you. you can just sign it and return it whenever. you know, if you turn it in this week or next it wont hurt."

right now i feel like inside me, my thoughts dont fit completely inside my body. they are like a bird coming out of an egg, all slimy and raw, but totally true to themselves. not yet corrupted by my own restrictions. brand-new emotions. i dont ever want to lose this, but i know that tomorrow will bring more new things. i feel my hurt, every small scar on my heart bleeds right now, but i live and i love. and God's love for me is an overwhelming force. i can't feel bad for so long. It sounds selfish, but my prayer without self-consciousness is that God would bless my future, and will bless the future of those with whom i am involved. my fears are so alive right now, but i feel a completeness of joy just underneath that. i feel like if God were to reveal his love for me anymore, then I would fall apart completely.

is this just a spiritual "high". i hope not... saying that makes it seem like it will not last very much longer, like God's love and feeling it is something one does only on occasion, which leads me to a sure misconception that it is nothing more than a short-lived hysteria. But how do i keep this alive?
the answer.... i dont. God gives and he takes away. if he chooses tonight to give me a taste of the extent to which I am loved, who am i to demand more? Dear Father... I would love nothing more than to meditate on your law for the rest of my life. Can you arrange that for me?

writing like this makes me feel like a religious nut. I sound just like it. but who, knowing that loving my God drives me to love more, to work at improving myself, and to find a greater peace beyond my own abilities, would try to take that away from me? and who should be angry if I try to show them the same peace.. the same God, the only real God. well, only someone who needs even more to find it. the fact that they would so mindlessly invent hatred for us drives me to a stronger belief that my God is real, and is here with us now. Here with you at the computer.

Someone said it is always easy to acknowledge the presence of demons and the devil in our world, and it is easy to fear them and credit our evils to them; but it is so hard to acknowledge God or credit the good in the world to his will.

if someone else had written this, i probably wouldnt finish reading it. i would read half of it and feel slightly angry for no reason and skim parts of it and not finish. why? well, something is only really deep if it is dark. I write so much about escaping the fears that society has trained me to live by. i am beginning to realize that to be truly fearless is to write like this, to talk like this, and to think like this, without caring what your friends get annoyed by. people say they dont want to "shove their religions down each other's throats". i wont.... but i will certainly not restrain myself if i have something to say that glorifies God. at least, not anymore. I will say what is good, and i will say it often. praise God. haha, i have not talked for 28 days. i still have 18 left. the worst is certainly over. Praise God.

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