Wednesday, March 24, 2010

It is 1:00AM when I am starting this blog.

I had my Korean lesson today, and I don't think my teacher was too mad that I didn't get all the homework done, but I am excited about the next few weeks. She says she wants me to keep a journal in Korean during the summer, so she is teaching me lots of verbs and things. by the end of the month I will probably have a pretty big list of them down, though maybe not all of them memorized. She looked different today and I couldn't figure out what it was. She said nothing was different unless she was gaining weight (which I don't think she is, but I'm not a very good judge of that kind of thing to begin with)... eventually I decided that it must just be her sunburn lol.

*sigh* I'm a jerk.

My legos presentation was today, and we were pretty much annihilated by dr. Green. My teamsters mislabeled the axis on our graphs, and on the slide which was supposed to have graphs for different motors, he put up three graphs of the same motor, with slightly different finishing values (labeled motor 1, 2, and 3.) Thinking about it, the only logical conclusion which Dr. Green must come to is that we totally BS'd it. --which is very possible, I have no idea what my team has been doing. The past two projects I did almost exclusively, (by choice, I'm not complaining about that. I did that because I wanted to), and I decided that I didn't want to do this one alone, and so I tried delegating some work to them, which they graciously accepted. and let me tell you, almost NOTHING got done without me doing it or explaining it to them in detail. I'm not entirely sure at what point in the process I stopped trying to manage them. Eventually I just stopped, and I told them I wouldn't make the next meeting. Then the meeting after that was scheduled during youth group, so I had to show up late (I told them in advance, they were cool with it. Youth group went three hours). Let me tell you how long they spent at the meeting I missed: all night. and how much work had they done when I got back from youth group? They had managed to lose alot of my information. I'm really, honestly, confused about what of our information was accurate, what was from the faulty tests we did at the beginning, and what was complete BS. Thats what I get for being impatient. If you want something done right you do it yourself. To top things off, our machine broke immediately after presentation. Like, immediately. We ran the program, it did what it was supposed to do, then broke. The class clapped for us. It was epic.

It wasn't all bad, though. The other teams had crappy presentations, too. Not nearly as bad as ours. They all had good data and good formulas and stuff, just their machines didn't all work completely. How does that work out? Our machine broke, and we had bad data, but it pulled that crap the whole meter in almost a second and a half. [like a boss]

I don't feel like thinking much about life tonight. I could just fall asleep forever.
...
I learned recently about a guy who my sister's "ex... sortof" boyfriend is counselling now (her bf is a social worker). So the patient had lived in a small hotel room for the past 28 years. He lived there out of the courtesy of the manager, who didn't require pay. The room the man stayed in was roughly the size of my bathroom. For all of his most recent sober memories he has wanted to be reconnected with society, but cannot. He is addicted to who knows what kind of drugs, and does that all day long every day when he is not being counselled. He sits in that little, dark room all day, every day, for 28 years, doing drugs, escaping reality, because for every second that he is even half way sober he realizes what he has become. He is old enough to be in a nursing home, but they will not take him. They say they wouldn't take him even if he went through rehab (Which, for what little it could have helped him as he is so far gone, will probably be doing nothing at all under Obama's healthcare bill). He has no family to connect with. He has no friends. He has, essentially, no way out. He is doomed to sit in that room for the rest of his life, or commit suicide.

I prayed for him a while ago, and I caught myself in my prayers, praying that if God would take my earthly life to rescue that person, that he would do it. But, after thinking more about that, I decided that I wasn't really praying that entirely for him. My prayer was not selfless. Is it possible to cause good by dieing? Like, if an honorable man gives his life for a cause, doesn't the cause just lose one honorable man? Or do they gain a martyr? I guess it depends on how many people know about the cause. For this man, if someone honorable found a way to die so that he could have a good life. Like, an exchange almost (that sounds either childish or satanic, I know... but it isn't meant to). Nobody would know. That person wouldn't be a martyr, would he? He wouldn't have died for a widespread cause, just to bring an old man back into society. Would it just be one less honorable person? I think... maybe if the old man found God, it wouldn't be so bad....

*deep breath*
God, please help me to love people the way you do.

It is 1:45 and I am finishing this blog.

"a few leagues off the shore I bit a flashing lure, and I assure you it was not what I expected it to be - But I still taste it's kiss, that dull hook in my lip. It's a memory as useless as a rod without a reel."

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