Funny how Someone seems so deep and knowledgeable until you know what they are talking about. (and you don't know what I am talking about)

I have 4 days left of not talking, 5 if you count today. I will not be doing this again.

I wrote my essay for English class during English class. It turned out alright. I got one really bad peer review, and one really good one. Both seemed very emphatic about it, and related details that made me sure they actually read it. I have no idea what I am going to change. Maybe nothing at all.

I talked to an ex girlfriend of mine yesterday, one I still kinda have feelings for. (it was texting, but it was faster than normal. It was more like IM. I know, bad place for a heart-to-heart, but I don't really have options right now) We had a good, long conversation. It was really nice. At the end of it, I mentioned something about how I have been keeping alot on my plate --I was referencing hootenany, Korean lessons, piano lessons, etc.-- to keep from becoming too complacent, and she told me "at least that part of you hasn't changed."

That really struck a chord with me somehow. When she had told me she was seeing someone else, before, she told me that I was changing and that we were growing apart, but she never told me how. I asked her, and I know that she didn't tell me the whole truth. (She has been doing that alot for a long time now. It doesn't bother me as much as it did when I first realized it). She told me that I have "grown up" and become "so focused". I responded, "that's how". and I said that I think I know what she means. I really can't say whether I am a different person in the same way she meant. I don't think I am so serious now, but if anything, more afraid. I know I don't, but sometimes I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. It's hard for me to hear about problems the world has without taking them upon myself, and that coupled with my tendency to plan years in advance (while simultaneously neglecting the immediate) makes for a very fearful person. I say fearful instead of stressed, because stress draws a person's personality thin and causes them to push against thin air with all their might. Like you are straining all your muscles at once but not really moving anything, because you already know and just haven't accepted it yet. It's worrying about things which you already know the way they will turn out. Fear is wondering what will happen. Crouching in a corner and building your tiny bridges to work your way out, hoping they aren't crushed. The further your bridges make it away from your corner, the worse it becomes, because you might never make it back. I am afraid for my future. At this point, if I so much as fail a class, years of my life are taken off. If I graduate college and don't get a job immediately (assuming the economy will only worsen from here), I could become homeless. My entire life rests in the balance of the next few years. If I don't do this exactly according to God's will, who knows where I will end up? I guess it's the same for everyone else here, too...

It's irrational, but yeah, it keeps me on task.

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[...like two hours later]

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oh man! I didn't post this blog, which means I can still write about the rest of my evening.

ok, so I went to church and I heard some testimonies and stuff. As soon as I heard them say "started speaking in another language" I knew something was up. I was totally weirded out, to be honest. I did not expect that at all from this church. --But I have been asking God to stretch me, and here He is... stretching me. So after the service they say some things about baptism of the Holy Spirit, which is totally legit. I know it is because I've personally read the passages in the Bible about it, although several places have skewed the meaning alittle, I think. Anyway, they invite everyone in the back room for a baptism. The people who have received it would dish it out to the people who haven't. They said several things which made sense and I decided to go in.

When I walked in the room, they said "If you have never spoken in tongues before, you will speak in tongues before you leave this room!" which kinda scared me. It was weird, yeah. They kinda worked themselves into a frenzy praying outloud in tongues. People were saying things like "accept God" or.. I really don't know, but what they were saying was good when I could understand it, as far as I could tell. Questions were flying through my mind like "is this really something that God wants us to do" "what if God has gifted me some way that isn't tongues?" and, all of those are legitimate questions. to be honest, I still really don't know if I agree with what happened in there, but I do know that for a while in there, I felt it. Whatever happened was a real thing. I didn't pray outloud, but my mouth was moving without me, and only stopped when I stopped it. Was it the crowd having that effect on me? I really don't know. It was a strange and frightening experience. I know that at least some of the people there, if not most of them are real Christians. I have seen the evidence in their lives. Are they deceived? Their prayers were real. Their emotions ran hot, and I could feel the whole room and everyone in it with my eyes closed. I could feel the heat from their breath and the intensity of their thoughts clouding the air. I prayed the whole time for God to show me the truth in it, was it true or not. Here and there, my mind would go blank, but my mouth was still moving. At least 3 people had their hands on me. I had never received a baptism of the Holy Spirit before. I wonder if that's really what it is. They say that speaking in Tongues is a gift from God. So it is. They say that I can ask for this gift and receive it. I am sure they wouldn't deny that a person without the gift isn't necessarily lacking for the spirit, but "Ask and you shall receive". Why wouldn't we want every gift we could get?

They called it a "prayer language", and they said that when I got home I would doubt it, but that I shouldn't let the devil trick me out of the reality of what had happened. My friend who invites me to go there congratulated me and said he was excited to hear my prayer language next time I came, because I will be able to speak then. I'm nervous and alittle embarrassed, because I doubt so much. I don't want to judge them, because the Lord works however He wants, and it isn't my place to tell them that they are wrong. I think that maybe God did give me that gift when I asked for it, and maybe I should cultivate it alittle, sure --but it isn't a gift I was born with, and I know that I have other gifts which God has given me to cultivate, I think, more than this one.

We have different gifts, according to the grace given us. If a man's gift is prophesying, let him use it in proportion to his faith. If it is serving, let him serve; if it is teaching, let him teach; if it is encouraging, let him encourage; if it is contributing to the needs of others, let him give generously; if it is leadership, let him govern diligently; if it is showing mercy, let him do it cheerfully. (Romans 12:6-8 NIV)