Monday, March 1, 2010

God, Please send me a sign.

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So today I finally got with SoMang for piano lessons :). That was great. She plays really well, and I always feel like when people play piano around me, they are giving me a gift. Like, they have worked with their hands on the piano for so long, all culminating to this, their most recent performance, and I am here to hear it. Makes me feel real special to think of it that way, I guess... but at the same time, (in what I hope is not just an effort to make it not all about me,) thinking of it that way makes me really impressed whenever people are playing piano. Like, especially impressed. I really appreciate that kind of thing. Someday, when I am really good, I will give that gift back, and hopefully give the credit to God --after all, I can't do it without him.

Right now it is 1:30 and my roommate is doing fundamentals of engineering with his NXT team.

Learning Korean has been a battle. I am always like "I will do this in just a second. This other thing really has to get done". Then, before i know it, it is midnight and time for bed. Consequently, on Monday and Tuesday, and on Wednesday before lessons, I'm stuck cramming.

I just finished every comic of XKCD, so that's another distraction off my list. Next, I have to beat Lego Star Wars, and beat Overlord 2. Then, I will be distraction free. I don't go for 100%, just game over, and I usually knock these out in like 2 hour increments: incrementing once on Friday, then once on Saturday, and again on Sunday if my homework isn't so bad. I don't watch TV.

I made the decision about 3 weeks ago to give up all my "relationship" (as in, with girls) endeavors to God. It's been difficult, and kindof awkward. Like, I really don't know what it means quite yet, but I am praying and reading up on it. I mean, the idea is that I don't worry about who I will marry, don't worry about whether or not I have a girl in my life, and just leave it all up to God. 'Cause He is ultimately in charge of that anyways, right? and besides, who of us, by worrying, can add a second to our lives? So where I come to a conflict is, should I even try when I am around girls.... and what does that even mean!? I am no good at any kind of flirting or "hitting-on" or whatever. I'm just a nerdy guy. I guess all I can do is be "myself", but who does that? That seems almost impossible from any angle, and the problem with that approach is that I am approaching it from an angle. Being one's self is not something that is meant to be "approached", and... well, therefore is somewhat unapproachable. How do I do it? I work hard at being honest with everyone, and I avoid putting on fake emotions (although I really do that alot), but does it mean being completely open with people? does it mean being afraid of everyone, like I am naturally inclined to be? Constant fear is an undesirable characteristic in any case, and it isn't one that I want to entertain, but if I am trying to change myself, then who am I? at any given moment, I could be acting like the person who I was yesterday or the one who I want to be tomorrow, but never the one I am now!


ETA: a question, as long as I don't know who I am, how do I know that being afraid of everyone isn't just something I "want" to be? not that it is a good thing or anything, but what if I am projecting that onto myself out of insecurity? just like a self-fulfilling prophesy.

Something that I keep recalling to mind whenever I think about insecurities like that. It is totally random, but I remember the time when I was speaking with Ian and some others, and he asked the group something like "on a scale of one to ten, am I a good person" or something like that, IDR. So on that, I accidentally went on kindof a tangent about how I really liked that he asked that because everyone is insecure, so whether you consciously realize it or not, each and every person wants to know the honest answer to questions like that from their friends. So, in kindof a frustrated voice, Ian replied: "I am not insecure."
But that got me thinking.... what would it mean if he really wasn't insecure? That would put all my sociological theories to rest, and paint me, for myself, an alien. As if for some reason, if one person who I respect is not insecure, then I am the only person who is. Would I accept that? or would I paint him as prideful? But based on my current theories regarding pride, I couldn't do that because of the question he asked earlier. I would be thrown into a loop, and would ultimately come out with very low self esteem.

....

I should really get some sleep.

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