Someone said "they don't die from the cold without, they die from the cold within"

-really a beautiful statement- "...and I just can't stop denying that our brothers are in miserable pain"

Ok, that sounds really morbid... well, it is. But the point of that statement wasn't necessarily just to be morbid. The point is how "cold" people are -- as in "you are neither hot nor cold, but you are lukewarm so I spit you out of my mouth". Cold as in, the opposite of passion. (ok, if only you guys could have lived my day with me today. This blog, my train of thought as I write is totally serendipitous... or maybe just coincidental, but I think serendipitous to situations I've been in all day). Do we have a word for the opposite of passion? *totally googles it* --well, I found "apathy" and a bunch of things that mean apathy under antonyms to passion. I am thinking differently, though. I think passion as in a good thing, and by antonym, I am thinking on like an axis. Think of it like a numberline, with neutrality at zero, passion somewhere around ten, and the opposite of passion ("cold") being somewhere around -10.

!! Back on track. So I'l let you guys infer how people would die from that kind of cold within. HINT: I'm pretty sure it's figurative. Second part: "can't stop denying that our brothers are in miserable pain." Let's approach this from several different angles within a Christian perspective. Say that the speaker is a Christian, speaking about our fellow Christians, and I don't just mean the ones out doing things and actually in physical pain -- for what reason would a Christian not minister unless he or she were suffering? Even if they are in confusion, to be apart from God's will for your life is to suffer, and I am convinced that very rarely does God's will for a Christian NOT involve ministering. That's a sweeping generalization, but look at what I have said, not how I have said it. I am confident in the point I am trying to make.

Another angle, say that the speaker is a Christian talking about non-Christians. Of course they are in pain, they aren't with God. Whether they immediately realize it or not, they are lost. Do we subconsciously deny that? I do sometimes. Yet another angle, non-Christian about non-Christians. This one is a bit difficult for me to recreate. I was raised in a Christian home (sometimes I wonder if that invalidates my views concerning the well-being of non-Christians. I think it does not.) The non-Christian generally looks happy, could they sneakily realize that the rest of them are not? that they are not the only unhappy person they know? or do they not know that their emptiness is not an uncommon thing? (That sounded really judgmental.......Two wrongs don't make a right)

Moving on --> what, then, do I do? Honestly, I have had this sneaking feeling for a long time that this is not what I want to be doing. I am not meant to be doing this, but I am trapped here by my conventions. I have spent the last 13 years preparing myself for monotony. I have been raised in such a specialized way. I have been trained never to bark or bite -- to sit and to stay and to never beg. (my friends know that I have taught myself better than to not beg. An interesting idea I have been entertaining: mooching, when approached from unique angles, throws people off balance. People are generally taught not to mooch, and are taught to be generous and share, but also to take possession of what is theres and to not let go. When they are confronted with a situation, to give, or not to give, they are immediately thrown into a loop; kindness or prudence. Obviously that doesn't last long. The human response to being caught in that kind of loop is to act impulsively, and the result is determined by prior conditioning: parents.) AAH back on topic.

The more I think about it, the more this sneaking feeling, riding on my back, grows. If I ignore it for long enough, it will only continue to grow until it is satisfied. What eventually will happen is that I will outlive my usefulness. I will grow old and incapable of carrying that out, and it will continue to grow heavier and heavier until it crushes me. What I really want, is to be beaten to death by people who hate me. I want to be tortured for hours on end by people who want nothing less than to hear me renounce God -- and, with God's power behind me, I want to stay strong and never give Him up. But, then I am confronted with my worst fear. Sure, I want to be killed by people who hate me and God. What scares me, is being kept alive by people who hate me and God. God help me, it is not what happens inside a man's mouth that defiles him, but what comes out.

This longing, like a thorn in my side. I want to drop out of college before my debts cannot be forgiven. I want to go somewhere worse, to preach God's word, and, ultimately, to die.