Today was good and bad. I am scared crapless, just as I have always wanted to be. God has blessed me by torturing me. I will come out of this a better person. I will drown out my sorrows in a river of tears. I will fall apart in my happiness and lose the person who I am. I will be utterly destroyed, but will be rebuilt. I will suffer humiliation and frustration. I will find my way through pools of acid, and arrive on the other side with my skin melted away, but my soul at rest.

Everything bad has ended so well, God will show me the way. I have had the troubles of my loved ones laid to rest in my heart. God has and will answer my prayers. By Gods grace, I have been rescued. God has forgiven me, and I can live my life without the burden of my regrets.

Dear God, stay with me.

I should go to bed RIGHT NOW.

So today I had my piano lesson, and I did better than I did last time. She has a piano piece that she won't let me take home with me because I will memorize it when I practice and I won't look at the sheet when I play it. She wants me to learn how to read notes, instead of just figuring the song out and remembering it. It's good. She is a good teacher.

Today I did my taxes. I had no idea where to mail them, and I could not find anyone who knew what they were doing (because my taxes are out-of-state). I don't know if Pennsylvania has a state tax or not, but I downloaded some kind of form, filled it out and mailed it to them. It was a C-EZ. Dear God, I pray it was the right one. I also filled out a 1040EZ, and I mailed that to the Austin, Texas IRS place. I looked it up online, and apparently I was supposed to mail the Pennsylvania form to Missouri. I am almost sure I have been mislead, but if the IRS are really so efficient, they can figure it out for me (or come talk to me in person). I have heard from knowledgeable sources that the IRS doesn't care whether you file your taxes or not when the taxes would result in them owing you money (which my taxes would result in them owing me about 75 bucks). I think I am going to include a letter with all future tax forms, saying "Your system confuses the hell out of me. I have no effing idea whether or not I mailed this to the right place or even filled it out correctly. Your website's instructions are lengthy, boring, complicated, and utterly worthless. Thanks."

Tonight, after everything I had to do was done, I went to chapel (it was about midnight). The front door was locked so I went around to the back. When I came in, I put my notepad on the piano and was going to play. I realized I had forgotten my music. I checked for my phone. I had forgotten it. I suddenly wondered if I was alone in the building and wandered around to investigate. I saw a girl in the balcony, and I left her alone. I went down to the prayer room, and before I read the Bible I reached for my notepad to read that for some reason. I had misplaced it and forgot that I left it on the piano. I had nothing with me, no distractions. It was nice. I read some Psalms, wholeheartedly. I prayed a little, and my brother came to mind and I prayed for him. It was one of those really great moments with God, I cried alittle. When I was done, before I left, I went up to the balcony and wrote to the girl "what are you praying for" and she told me and I wrote asking if I could pray with her. She said yes, and I sat silently and prayed. It was awkward at first, but then the AC turned on and the white noise cancelled out all my peripheral thinking. I could sit and pray for the girl, and the things which were on her heart. I prayed for God to resolve the issues she told me about, and before I left, I prayed a blessing or two on her. I wrote to her "time for me to go, God bless you. I'l keep your friends in my prayers". She said ok, gave me a smile, and I left. It wasn't an awkward ok or an awkward smile. I think that time was really genuine. It was good. In that moment, we weren't two people who didn't know each other. We were two believers who knew God and had gathered at that time, for the unified purpose of seeking God's guidance --offering our lives and our burdens up to God yet again, telling God we love him, and thanking and praising him. That was really special, I thought. I hope I have more experiences like that.

"You can take everything I have, just don't leave my side"

ETA.. you know, I wish people would do that more often.... I mean, I don't want to intrude on other people's time with God, but I would really like it if people came up to me and asked to pray with me while I was praying. I think that it is better for more people to pray than to pray alone.