Tuesday, March 23, 2010

10 days left of the vow of silence (11 including today)

--which is weird because i posted 14 before, right? and that was yesterday. i think i am doing my math wrong... whatever

This was a really long day, and I am ready for the week to be over. I have been utterly defeated by my legos class tonight. Experiences like this are a part of the reason I don't like people.

*gets up and shaves*

I feel alittle better now.

Lately, I have been thinking less with words and more with impulses. It's interesting, I really like it. It's almost as if, before, my emotions were restricted by the words I would use to describe them. I would feel something and then get frustrated with the question: "what am I feeling?", and I would change my self-perception to match the meaning of words that made more sense. A few times, I would describe a good feeling as "like falling in love", but since love doesn't really mean anything specific, I would be left confused and kindof hurt by the end of it. Over the past few days, instead of coming up with feelings to match my words, I have tried to come up with elaborate ideas to convey what I am feeling --things which I don't think we have words for. I think it has really opened things up for me, and left me lost in thought a few times. (I much prefer being lost in thought to being confused with reality). For example, earlier this morning I was hit with a hot ray of sunlight, and I was filled with feelings reminisce of some really old, good memories (the kind that one might all-too-easily hide behind their sad outcomes). I tried thinking of what it felt like, and I came up with this -- take the dying thoughts of a person being strangled to death, make them a picture and invert the colors (they are no longer so full of anger and fear, but I wouldn't call it the opposite of being strangled to death.. just the picture inverted. It's much happier, but it isn't like being brought back to life), then pour them into a glass and drink it (it's a warm drink). That's what that particular ray of sunlight felt like.

It is almost 3 in the morning, and tomorrow is an important day. It is the day on which my legos team presents our piece-of-crap presentation, which I threw together in the last minute (and made as wordy as possible, so nobody would finish reading a slide before we change them. That way, nobody realizes that we didn't know what we were writing about). Also tomorrow, I have to pay close attention in discrete math class, because there will be a quiz on Friday and I haven't memorized my notes yet. I will have to do the homework for chapter 15 in computer science and turn it in before 2:45. and on top of that, I will have to write roughly 2 1/2 pages of Korean for my first Korean lesson after spring break. I wrote one page over spring break, it takes a long time to come up with unique situations and write about them. It's like writing a short story ten times in a row for each assignment. and I have to be awake enough to share with my teacher in the excitement which she will theoretically feel when I tell her I am official for Korea.

My roommate told me at 1:30 that he was expecting to be up late tonight. I didn't think this late, but I have been doing things this whole time too.

Dear God, help me and my grades.

"Hold my hand, Love, you're here and then you're gone, like a dream -- like the daylight."

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