Paid my dues.

Haven't had much free time. Always something to do.

Spent some time with Lindsey today, and I really enjoyed it. Kinda unsure about what I think about her. Maybe I like her. Maybe there's little or no chance we will be able to have a real relationship, since we won't be seeing each other much at all for the foreseeable future.

I miss spellcheck.

Mom and dad are thinking about getting me a little Intel Atom laptop. I'm good and excited about that.

Anyway, my tea is getting cold.

Yesterday was terrible (I'm about to complain alot, but don't take it as me being ungrateful. I made it, and I'm happy for all the help everyone gave me, buut....). I started off the day with 15 minutes of sleep and a medium BK coffee. As soon as I reached the back of the check-in line at the airport, I realized that the check mom sent my bank to pay for the bags I was checking didn't come in, so I would have to pay for them myself, and I didn't have the money. The line went all the way to the door. (they didn't ask for the money... I wonder what happenned...)

So, I was at the airport an hour early, and check-in+security took so long that I didn't get to check in to the airline I would transfer to. I made it onto the plane and the lady calling names actually said to me on the way in, "you're late!" in a crabby voice.

So I get on the plane, and it pulls into the runway, and then it sits until an hour after it was supposed to leave before starting again. I listened to the pilot's meager apologies from my aisle seat in the back of the plane. I drank two cups of coffee on that plane, and had a total failure of a conversation with a pretty girl when we landed, and those honestly didn't help my state of mind.

I got to my turnover on time, but I was the last person to check-in, so I wasn't given a seat. I was put on standby because the airport overbooked the flight. There was not a seat for me on that flight. For the next 3 hours, I talked to airline reps about how to get me to Utah that day, and I was yelled at by mom on the phone about how I should have just been in denial about the whole situation (I DEFINITELY misunderstood her, because I don't see how telling them "no, there is room on that flight for me" would have gotten me on the flight.)

I did, in fact, get on a flight that day, but only barely, and only because I was being polite to the people there. There were two other guys who missed their flight before me, but they were cussing at the airline reps. So when that one seat was available on the airline they called my name, and I walked by those other guys saying "sorry dudes, that reaally sucks. Best wishes for you both!" (I had been talking to those guys earlier, and we knew each other's situations) I had another cup of coffee on that flight. lol

When I got back, mom took some deep breaths and was nice to me on the way home, but I could tell she was getting over the stress of the situation if only just alittle. I was more shook up than she was.

As for happenings today, I worked out alittle bit of my HGU application, and I rode busses all day learning the layout of salt lake city. I found a single bus that gets me to Starbucks, SLCC, the SLC Mall (which is huge), and even gets me within a few blocks of Walmart.

Tomorrow is my first day of classes. Pray for me. I want to make a good impression on this professor, and I want to hit the books hard.

Oh! I just thought of some more stories, but I am gonna save those for later. So I don't forget. I was hit on by a big black guy, I was given drug advice from this very nice homeless lady who had been "clean for almost 4 weeks!" and I saw some people speaking Korean at SLCC. I plan on asking them to continue my lessons for me if I see em again :D

I'm going to the airport in 2 hours and 30 mins. My flight leaves in 5 hours. I just got my itinerary 8 hours ago. I don't think I'll be sleeping tonight... I want a shower.

I think starting tonight, I'm getting rid of my no-names rule. I will just save it for special cases (which might end up being most cases). It just complicates my sentence structures.

Today I met a few of my sister's friends, they're all pretty cool :D and I learned about some new bands. There were cool sounding bands coming up all night, so I got my notebook and filled a page with em.

Jess just came in and turned off the lights. Looks like MoCo is staying up with me for now :)
...
lost train of thought
...
OK, order of events:
-woke up at 12-ish
-had fun cleanin house with Jess till 6 or 7
(a kid from Jess's youth group came over at like 3 and helped out)
-went shopping, stopped at StarBucks (getting ready for SNL party)
-find out we lost a bunch of the party. It's cool. Two of Jess's friends will make it.
-Friends show up, watch SNL, listen to music.
Gets close to time to leave. One friend is staying over and making the trip with us tomorrow. She's pretty cool.

Not alot happened really, I guess. Jess talked to a creepy guy on FaceBook (defriending... too bad) Lots of fun. Jess's house has been great, so was Mr. and Mrs. Z's house.

*sigh*

I don't want to go to Utah. I'm gonna have to deal with the small town people and their drama, worse yet, small town LDS, who already have a small-town cultural attitude. Put them in Dugway and you get the same stinking joke about purple cows over and over and over and over again for all four years of highschool. "It's just SO RANDOM!" Really, it's only random as long as it's original.. or at least novel, and novelty does wear out eventually... I guess the purple cow joke did die eventually, but it's not the only one. At least I will be living in SLC, so I can get some variety when I need it if I know where to look.

Ahh well, enough of that. Maybe I should approach this like a ministry opportunity.

"Jonah where's that boat going?"

A nearly frictionless near-ramp is manufactured to have an angle of 25 ± 0.01º with the horizontal in one direction, and 0 ± 0.023º in a horizontal perpendicular to that direction. Its profile is a flat plane within a tolerance of 0.1%. It has a linear thermal expansion coefficient of 0.12 ± 0.04 mm/K. A block which is a rectangular prism whose corners are 90º to within 0.134% and whose edges are flat to within 0.072% with dimensions specified to within a tolerance 0.234% is placed on the ramp at a distance along the ramp of 1.43 ± 0.06 m from a fixed point that has been defined as "the ground." The block has a linear thermal expansion coefficient of 0.23 ± 0.03 mm/K. The initial average temperature of the ramp is 301.4 ± 0.2 K fluctuating with a standard deviation of 2.3 ± 0.26 K over the volume of the ramp. The initial average temperature of the block is 301.2 ± 0.3 K fluctuating with a standard deviation of 3.4 ± 0.15 K over the volume of the block. The air within a sphere with a radius of 5.0 ± 0.1 m centered at the initial point of contact between the block and the ramp has a temperature of 301.5 ± 0.1 K fluctuating with a standard deviation of 0.4 ± 0.1 K over the volume of the air. The air in the immediate vicinity of the block has a viscosity of 14.2 ± 0.1 × 10^-6 m²/s, however this will change with the temperature of the air. The block has a cross-sectional area of 223 ± 0.32 cm². The block and the ramp have a coefficient of kinetic friction of 0.0056 ± 0.0004 at their initial temperatures, however this will decrease with increasing temperature of either. The block has a heat capacity of 1,561 ± 1.2 J/K, and the ramp has a heat capacity of 12,341 ± 3.6 J/K. These will also increase with increasing temperature. The block/ramp system is located at an altitude of 1,223 ± 2.4 m above a sphere defined as "sea level." The sun is located 18.1 ± 0.6º from the vertical axis on a line 126.1 ± 0.2º from the down-angle of the ramp. The moon is located 163.6 ± 0.5º from the vertical on a line 32.4 ± 0.3º from the down-angle of the ramp. Taking all of these factors into account, as well heat generated by friction between the ramp and the block, between the block and the air, and between the ramp and the air, calculate the time it will take the block to reach the plane defined as "the ground" as well as its final velocity when it does so. List appropriate tolerances.

all the sudden I don't like it here. I came to this website and got like a momentary feeling of disdain.. and really for no particular reason. Probably just because I vent here so much, maybe I'm associating it with the feeling of venting, which is a necessary evil.

Today was exceptionally relaxed. I even bought some movies at a blockbuster which was going out of business (got steamboy, futurama, 28 days later, and 28 weeks later). and I got my ehd plugged into my sister's laptop and played some of my music --starting with daft punk and finishing with copeland, good bands both of them.

Haven't been exercising proper grammar here much lately. Schools out, not really worrying about it.

I got an account on a poetry website the other day and already have 3 regs and a follower (I'm excited, no brag. don't hate.). If my parents haven't trashed my old computer (and I told them not to) then I will be able to get some of my old stuff off that and post it. That would be exciting.

Just took a trip down youtube memory lane. Watched hello clarice and the who is clarice series. good times -.- I had a mop back then.

ahh well, time for sleep :z

"Like a messy room."

Today I hung out with some people I met at those friend's house. Some seniors in high school.

I just got done with FaceBook, which I took care of while listening to the credit music of Braveheart. It was better than the 'no-music' I've been listening to for the past few days. I am having real music withdraws. I am having trouble sleeping for want to listen to what differs from a single stanza of a song to an entire genre of music, depending on my mood. And my ears are sore from the sound of people talking and cars running and silence and (yeah, movies, but) not music.

I just totally bombed a potential conversation with a certain girl. I'm sure I didn't lose too many points though. It was a texting conversation and I've had some good ones with her recently. On top of that, she knows it's late and we are both tired and stressed and stuff. I would get her talking about what she's stressed about, but she wouldn't. She's a Dugway girl.

Now, I'm not talking about that specific girl, but I think it's alot easier to talk to people who aren't from Dugway. People from Dugway talk about each other, and that's about it, and they expect everyone else to not only start but to carry the conversation. And when I say she wouldn't elaborate about what she's stressed about, I mean that I wonder if she has even really put it to words herself? Dugway people, in my experience, pass alot of their stress onto relationship drama, which is practically nonexistent compared to elsewhere, but it is all they have. At least, it seems that way. Maybe I am just projecting... it seems like that would be an easy characteristic to project. Also, I shouldn't dog on them too much. She has been getting alot better since I've known her. I think that the girls Bible studies really have had a positive influence on them. It's a pity they never got a solid guys Bible study going.

Also, I've noticed that people in Dugway have a hard time coming up with things they've done. "What have you done lately?" "Nothing."... for real? You haven't done ANYTHING?? I mean, even saying something like "today I ate some corn dogs" would make a better conversation, or any conversation at all.
....
I don't want to go back to Utah... I feel like I was making such great progress in developing actual social skills, even if it WAS with people from LeTU. On top of that, I will be staying with my all-too-eager parents. Don't misunderstand; I love my parents, but if they try to set a bedtime for me or restricting the amount of time I spend listening to music from my computer down to one hour per week (again!!! the "real" restriction was that my computer was not allowed to be on for anything but homework but for one hour per week, because they thought it was affecting my grades. I had a 3.95 at the time, and my grade dropped to a 3.6 after that restriction, thanks.), then I am applying for every job within 100 miles and getting myself a cheap hotel or apartment asap. I realize that might mean I won't get the music whenever (because I am leaving my computer here in order to be cost-effective), but I will not stand for that kind of restriction. I will take my headphones and external hard drive and listen to music at the library. RAWR!!!! In fact, I will leave if they do that, or if they try to give me a bed-time, or maybe even if they try to give me a curfew. I will not have it!

I'll probably still apply for some part time jobs, though. Just to keep me busy, and even though I won't get a car this summer, maybe I will get a large mp3 player. (Idk if I could handle less than like a 10-gig, and even that's pushing it.)

My sister's laptop at least has firefox, so I am getting spellcheck as I go. That's nice.

I'm gonna either go to sleep or watch TV... I'm super tired, but I'm not sleepy... and I'm hungry.... ahh well...

Today's quote doesn't seem really pertinent to anything happening to me right now, but I heard it a couple of times this week and it struck me as profound. I like it.

"Unless a grain of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it stays alone. But if it dies, many more seeds grow from it."

Today has been really great. God opens a door and then closes another. I was shown something really great, but then I was shown that I couldn't do it. God just keeps showing me things that are possible, but he hasn't yet shown me what I can actually accomplish. (Not that this is really an accomplishment, but it's something I know God has plans for... and it's none of your business).

My English final had that phrase in it, and pointed directly at the reader: "frankly, it's none of your business". I don't think it will hurt my grade too much. It kinda worked in context.

I met someone today who I hadn't met since 6th grade. He offered to hang out tomorrow, I think that if I get the courage and the opportunity, I will ask him about a few people who I knew when I attended BIS. It's weird of me, I know, but they are people who picked on me excessively back then, and changed me as a person, I think. Like, I am convinced that my life and personality have taken some very distinct roads based on the way those people treated me. Sometimes I wonder who I would be if they hadn't. I think I am changed for the better, but I still harbor some negative feelings for them. It isn't like I'm gonna hunt them down or anything, but maybe just ask them what happenned with their lives. Are they moving on to better things? Are they still complete ass-holes? That kind of thing. I don't expect any apologies, and if they apologized it might ruin me for a few minutes. I would have to reconstruct my worldview all over again. I don't think I would cry or anything, though. Maybe just pat them on the shoulder and not be able to carry an intelligent conversation for a while.

Met a Korean girl today. Real quiet girl, but had the accent for sure. Made me miss my Korean friends from LeTU.

I really missed my music today. I was singing parts of mewithoutyou songs all day. "and not one [something] of her gesture could i forget.. the prettiest [something] i ever met." "i was dead then alive, she was like wine turned to water and then turned back to wine, and you can pour us out --we don't mind. as scratched around the mouth of the glass 'my life is no longer mine'" "and i'm gonna take that grain, and i'm gonna crush it all together into a bread as simple and sincere as when the dryness and the rain finally drink from one another a gentle cup of mutual surrender tears."

"I never get a break."
"These walls won't come down."
"I can't wake up."
"You don't belong."

feels like it rhymes, but it doesn't

I've been missing my music alot lately. My computer is packed up and there isn't much way for me to get it from here to there.

I keep saying things and regretting them later. "I can see how you might think that."

"So you'll have something to talk about right off the bat."

I should be going up to Utah next week. I'm alittle excited to see one or two people, but the rest of that visit, I fear, will just be "blah". I hope I can at least find a good coffee shop to reg at and maybe get some discounts later in the summer.

It's weird not having spell check. This family doesn't believe in Google Chrome.

I just finished all the Harry Potter movies up to Half Blood Prince. They were better than I thought, but they are pretty much exactly what your mother told you they would be. "Witches going on adventures and being made into heroes."

I'm still shocked at how abruptly an end came to my confusion about that relationship. It isn't that I feel dumb for being confused... but we were both so lost. I don't understand where I missed that hint. It's just as if God had conspired against us, and it can't progress for a good long time.


"But you can't always be so out of your element."
"No, it's never ending. We can always leave again."
"Will this fix everything?"
"I reach out, but it's always just barely too far away."
"God will do what is right in the end."

88%

So, I guess that's it. It makes a bit more sense now... but now It's just like talking to someone at a funeral.
"He was a good man."
"Yeah, he was."
"Were you close to him?"
"Yeah."
"Sorry..."
None of those statements really meant anything, but they are the way conversations go at funerals. (at least for me... but I generally have trouble not laughing, and I have never been terribly close to the deceased.. I'm a jerk.)... and, I guess, at the same time, there is more background sadness there when you look deeper. Such a weird thing.

I got to play a real piano at a retirement home today. I think it was my first "real" audience, which just sat and listened. I played a few songs and made a few mistakes, but I really enjoyed myself.

Things with school are moving slower than I had hoped, but they are moving. Pray for me with that.

65%

I... am just... a cloud. I am a branch on a tree. I am a rock on the ground. I am crushed into dirt, and I house the animals which will eat that carcass when it is buried. "won't let the nervous bury me." Not much stranger, God forgiven.(,,,,,,,,,commacommacommacomma).. Really, there's no telling... I am going to bed.

"You can come with me if you want, and I want you to come, but I am leaving soon... and I wont hesitate for much longer."

e.t.a. I changed the title. For you guys who didn't get it the first time, it's Psalm 139. It's about how God knows us inside and out. It finishes off with "See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the life everlasting". This blog is, in essence, somewhere between the lines of Psalm 139, and so is everything anyone else has ever written about themselves or anyone else; so is anything you have ever said (because it's not what goes on inside your mouth that defiles you) and everything that you've ever thought (because God looks at the heart).
God just... knows.

Still at the friend's house. Lots of fun stuff happened today; mostly Bible studies and stuff, but still fun. I saw Iron Man 2. That was really cool. :D Also, I called a friend, but she didn't answer. Then she called me back, but I was busy and my phone was off. So I called her back and she didn't answer again. I left a message sayin if she was free tomorrow, we could talk, but we'l see if she calls back. Honestly, I sometimes wonder why I am still talking with this girl.... I have decided that if she calls back, I'm gonna ask her if she is cool with me ruining the conversation and cutting out all the crap. Like.. Maybe, if she is cool with listening, I will summarize events from my point of view and then ask her to fill in the blanks or to do the same from her point of view. Or, maybe the other way around. I wonder why I was so afraid to ask her to be straightforward with me before.. I guess I just thought she would do it.
I think.. if I don't get an honest, satisfactory answer this time...well, I really don't know what I'l do. I don't think I can simply stop talking to her.. because I have plans to try to see her this summer if I can make that happen.... Why on earth do I want to see her.... I know it won't change anything, and I fought off the idea that it would serve as some kind of poetic justice. I think I just really want to hang out with her like we used to... even though that might be impossible. Maybe I want to get to know her again and see if there is any chance that there is any way we could ever try things between us again... What a selfish idea...

Somehow I think that if we had stayed honest with each other the whole time, we wouldn't have to worry about not knowing each other.... I have been honest, I guess... the things I have left out were more because I didn't want to be the only one talking. More like not telling the whole truth than telling lies--and it was because most of the whole truth was irrelevant details. Why am I even justifying this?...If it was real...I think it never would have ended the way it did."doesn't real love last forever?" If I know her at all, then she thinks more of it than she is letting on. This may be the last time I initiate conversation with her. A sad ending to what was really a beautiful friendship, turned into a sad love story, turned into nothing at all. I wish I knew what I could do differently to change what happened. Sometimes I wish I had never let myself become attached. I wish she had never said that.. well, I wish she'd never used the L word unless she really meant it.

salt in my mouth. What a dry, cracked world. Every time I think about this I forget myself. Maybe I've become what I have always hated. A sad excuse for a living soul. Just as I have repremanded myself before. I major in something with little or no eternal ramifications, and I prepare eagerly for a life behind a desk. Yeah, I still let my mind wonder when I look at the sky and grab a handfull of leaves from a tree, or break a stick while I walk... but I'm tom and loo gradgrind. Names which, if they were capitalized, would stand out too much from the rest of this paragraph. I'l prove it to myself.

My summer job won't be paying half the money I thought it would. It's unfortunate. I thought I was making like 7 thousand, I'm making 1 thousand. I mean, that's cool. My original estimate was based on a poor memory of the 2.5 thousand they told me on the phone and the amount of money I made last summer, which was actually really good for how much work I did. The 2.5 thousand was for working the whole summer, as opposed to half of it, which is what I will be doing. Of course, I am sending them several emails tomorrow, and several phone calls, and if I do not receive any useful responses within 24 hours of sending my messages, I think I might just give them a two weeks notice. That is... "you have two weeks to find a replacement, I will not work where I am not communicated with."

"Nonconformist"
"Those don't exist."
"Sure they do."
"Nope. You and I don't exist."
"Yeah? How?"
"See, we're trapped in a postmodern despotism of social obligation and debt; once you're out, you're homeless."
"So if I'm not homeless, I'm not really unique."
"No, because then you're homeless."
"So being unique is impossible?"
"Yep, but that being true, you don't exist. See? And we can do whatever we want, beause we don't exist."

Tonight and tomorrow night and the night after, I am staying at some family friend's house. They seem like really nice people, but I haven't met with them since I was real little, so I don't really know them. I do know, however, that they have faithfully kept in touch with my parents the entire time. You know, it's kinda weird, but it's like staying at an aunt or unkles house, and they are just really cool so far.

The plan for this summer is hectic to say the least. Pray for me that Pine Cove will get in touch and that my summer plans will work out.

I am on their computer right now. Mine is in a box. It's too bad. I really like my computer, and this machine is running windows XP... which isn't so bad, but it's not 7.

I might not get to practice on a real piano, or even a full-sized piano all summer. That's gonna suck. I will have to practice parts of my songs individually, as opposed to playing the whole song at once, and my little keyboard doesn't have a pedal, so I won't be able to play those songs and listen to them the way they should go, and I might get used to pressing the keys down so easily and getting the same volume with every press. blaaaaaah. I am going to miss piano. :'(

Well.. I guess that's all for tonight.

God bless.

Room is packed. I have made a playlist of all my mellow music and it's about 24 hours long, so it's been playing in my room all day with repeat on. I met a girl at chapel today, she said she's a senior in highschool and will come here next year, that she lives right off campus. I've seen her just hanging out at that church a couple times. She sits and picks out parts of Star Wars songs. She will fit right in. She said she'd see me next semester. I forgot to tell her I'd be gone. lol, whatever.

Yesterday my dad told me that I aught to take some time and think about the semester to prepare myself for events ahead of me. He said in the military they call it decompression, and it's time given to troops after assignments. Not that I have been in a war or anything, but this semester still leaves me with lots to think about... "Decompression". I've been thinking about it most of the day, that is, thinking about the semester with that as a predisposition... or... more like a self-fulfilling presupposition. (at least, i hope)... lol, I have been packing my stuff into boxes all day, too. More irony.

I keep thinking about all the people who I really enjoy being around, and how I wish I would have put more effort into being around them more, or at least telling them that I really like being around them.. I guess it's not something one should really dwell on. I keep thinking like I will never see these people again. blaah. What is wrong with me. I'm gonna be back sooner than later. Why do I even miss anyone! It hasn't been long at all. This has got to pass quickly. I could just puke.

"then walked to a town that all of us burned when God left the ground to circle the world"

Right now I am a stressful ball of worry and fear and attachment to people. I really don't want/like this feeling of attachment (much at all), like, missing people. How do you do it? I would rather be an island... and all my plans rest on a single phone call to a group of people i don't even know.

It makes me wonder --in parallel with a previous train of thought, how I don't want to be "in love" with anyone, but would rather just love (like... love the way God loves us) and not be attached-- how have I let so few people gain so much control over my life? I thought I had agreed with myself that I wouldn't let that happen after the way I fell in and out of that other relationship. ("Just don't take it personally, you know? Roll with the punches"_"my parents used to tell me that... 'roll with the punches'".) "But these are different circumstances"this is unavoidable; those are two completely different situations". Will it always be this way? Will I always be dependent on someone else? "That is why you choose who you depend on... so it doesn't end up being someone you don't know." Seriously? That's the conclusion? How on earth do I choose my dependencies?

So... for some reason my train of thought seems to be degrading toward a discussion on choosing a wife (as in... someone to depend on.) Certainly that is not the only person I am supposed to trust (should I ever decide on a girl who is worth dating.... er.... not that there is anything wrong with the girls i already know.. it's just... er... well.............) BAH! I used the word "Certainly" again! I don't like the ways I use that word, or the way my voice sounds when I say it. I really plan on stopping that. *shudder*

This feels unresolved.. Maybe some other late night.

Honestly.... Maybe it won't. I am so out of it right now. This feels like it could be one of those posts I delete later when I am more together.

"I really can't imagine.."

"..Don't think too hard about it."

it's 3:00 in the morning and i dont have finals tomorrow and my sleep cycles are RUINED.

however, staying up late isnt all that bad. i went to chapel the past two nights and met this girl. i am going to go back tomorrow night and, if she is there, ask for her full name so i can look her up on facebook. :) hahaha

i wonder if she will be there tomorrow night...

the physics final was today and i am going to try not to think about it *not thinking about it*

i also had my cosc final. that was another stressful one. i can hardly move my arms without feeling the stress in my shoulders. if i am still capable of having those hallucination, then i am pushing my limits. the doc said i might grow out of them eventually, but on the other hand, i am doing a lot to bring down the stress lately. like playing piano and making a point of keeping a que sera sera attitude. (but still studying alot)

in fact, i really want to go play piano again... right now.

I am drifting in and out of a dream right now. It's a good dream, about a long time ago. Makes me miss my old friends. Nobody I've mentioned here before.

I am doing physics right now. I have one more problem. I have spent 30 minutes drawing a free body diagram, and I haven't even gotten to drawing the forces which aren't explicitly mentioned in the problem. It's not because it's hard. I know how to do this problem... conservation of momentum.. simple. mv[ai]=mv[bf]cos(theta). then, the direction.... that's just an angle. tan^(-1)(mv*sin(theta)/mv*cos(theta)) oh look at that. the mv and sin/cos cancel out. its tan(-1)(v/v). I am doing this wrong. I can't think hard enough to match up my work with the professor's online help.

I went to practice piano tonight and didn't get to. A guy and a girl were there. I couldn't tell what they were doing, but I am sure it wasn't anything bad.

In fact, I am going to go back and see if there is still anyone there. It is 1:30 in the morning, I have a final tomorrow at 3. If I get in an hour of piano practice, I can get 8 hours of sleep and it will only be 10:30AM. Shoot, I can get 10 hours of sleep and still have time to get ready for this exam. I just hope I don't fall asleep at the Chapel. I've already practiced an hour today. ... I just feel like practicing again.

"You value your life alot more than I value mine."

"That's not true. I just don't dwell on it."

"Then what motivates you to do anything?"

"Nothing. I am clockwork, and I do as I am told."

Got a phone call today, and the person on the other line hinted at some things I didn't want to hear. It reminded me of the way I shouldn't be thinking. I found it comforting, even if it didn't really mean anything. Makes me wonder who's reading my blog.

I got a visit a long time ago from someone who is now a friend of mine, I would like to think. I wish I could write to that someone... but that's not how we talk... with words.... this is a difficult one for me to explain without writing exactly who it is. Maybe I will just never get this one out. I think there is only one person besides me who knows that story in detail. Somehow... the more I think about it, the more I think that it's something nobody really needs to know except me.

Back to the phone call. She doesn't think the way I do anymore. It's hard for me to let go of the way things used to be. I realize more and more that it is my only option. For the past few months, I didn't know how we had changed. I had an image of her, and it was the wrong one. We are different people. The whole phone call I felt like there was a conversation we should have been having. There was something clogging up my throat that I couldn't get out, and I really can't put my finger on what it is. Just the answer to all my questions at once, I guess. I might never know. We keep so many secrets where there should never have been any.

Eh, God only knows.

God, bless my friends, and help me to Love them as you do, and I pray they would feel your Love through me.

"Your apologies are so convincing. What am I supposed to think?"

"You're a much better liar than I am."

I've been kindof caught up in a loop all day. I've been doing most of what I can to get my mind off it. I wish that wouldn't happen to me. Right when I think this is behind me, it shows up again. I practiced piano for about 2 or 3 hours today, and then read the Bible alittle, and that helped alot. I shouldn't let a person have that kind of effect on me. I was dumb to let myself become so attached.

Someone told me I have been getting quieter ever since I started highschool. My freshman year in highschool, I was loud and outgoing. I don't know what happened... I don't think I would have some of my better friends if I was popular.

All this darkness. Philippians 4:8 has something to say about that. I should count my blessings, and not get so hung up on the past. I have given myself to God, and this could be a lot worse. God, like any good father takes care of his children, and like any good steward takes care of his possessions.

"Zac, don't ever pour your heart out for someone; don't ever love the way I did." Some people will never die.

No blog last night. Might have had something to do with my text inbox. I completely forgot until it was already too late. "too late, when has it ever been too late?"

I had been putting that certain something off for a long time. I figured the parties involved would understand, because we are all so busy.

I remember when I learned the difference between too and to. I was really young and I overheard someone explaining it to someone else.

"I crossed my fingers, but I didn't beg"

If I could look into that person's eyes just once... I think I would understand alot more. I think I would have a better idea of what thoughts are running through the person's mind... or at least, I would gather something that could get me out of this loop. I would know where we stand in this mess, and maybe I would let it go."5023 emails. that's 4.7 emails a day for 3 years." It is hardly a mess anymore. More like something pushed under the bed. It is behind us. I am going to try so hard for us to see each other this summer. We already agreed that we both want that. God, please help me to make that happen. God, Your will be done.

I took a trip down memory lane, checked out some old emails. I know that's totally weird, but this is still something I don't understand. Reading one or two of those made me cry. If it was anyone's business but ours, I would post all of those emails right here. Instead, I am going to start saving them as text files for a while. Someday, I think I am going to turn it into a book of letters, and then a novel. If I ever get around to it. Books which, even if they are written written, will never be published. I will make sure of that. My computer still automatically logs me into that website, even though I haven't been on in months, and my browser's info has been deleted once or twice since then.

"...and no matter what, bestie..you mean the world to me."