Right now I am a stressful ball of worry and fear and attachment to people. I really don't want/like this feeling of attachment (much at all), like, missing people. How do you do it? I would rather be an island... and all my plans rest on a single phone call to a group of people i don't even know.

It makes me wonder --in parallel with a previous train of thought, how I don't want to be "in love" with anyone, but would rather just love (like... love the way God loves us) and not be attached-- how have I let so few people gain so much control over my life? I thought I had agreed with myself that I wouldn't let that happen after the way I fell in and out of that other relationship. ("Just don't take it personally, you know? Roll with the punches"_"my parents used to tell me that... 'roll with the punches'".) "But these are different circumstances"this is unavoidable; those are two completely different situations". Will it always be this way? Will I always be dependent on someone else? "That is why you choose who you depend on... so it doesn't end up being someone you don't know." Seriously? That's the conclusion? How on earth do I choose my dependencies?

So... for some reason my train of thought seems to be degrading toward a discussion on choosing a wife (as in... someone to depend on.) Certainly that is not the only person I am supposed to trust (should I ever decide on a girl who is worth dating.... er.... not that there is anything wrong with the girls i already know.. it's just... er... well.............) BAH! I used the word "Certainly" again! I don't like the ways I use that word, or the way my voice sounds when I say it. I really plan on stopping that. *shudder*

This feels unresolved.. Maybe some other late night.

Honestly.... Maybe it won't. I am so out of it right now. This feels like it could be one of those posts I delete later when I am more together.

"I really can't imagine.."

"..Don't think too hard about it."