Still at the friend's house. Lots of fun stuff happened today; mostly Bible studies and stuff, but still fun. I saw Iron Man 2. That was really cool. :D Also, I called a friend, but she didn't answer. Then she called me back, but I was busy and my phone was off. So I called her back and she didn't answer again. I left a message sayin if she was free tomorrow, we could talk, but we'l see if she calls back. Honestly, I sometimes wonder why I am still talking with this girl.... I have decided that if she calls back, I'm gonna ask her if she is cool with me ruining the conversation and cutting out all the crap. Like.. Maybe, if she is cool with listening, I will summarize events from my point of view and then ask her to fill in the blanks or to do the same from her point of view. Or, maybe the other way around. I wonder why I was so afraid to ask her to be straightforward with me before.. I guess I just thought she would do it.
I think.. if I don't get an honest, satisfactory answer this time...well, I really don't know what I'l do. I don't think I can simply stop talking to her.. because I have plans to try to see her this summer if I can make that happen.... Why on earth do I want to see her.... I know it won't change anything, and I fought off the idea that it would serve as some kind of poetic justice. I think I just really want to hang out with her like we used to... even though that might be impossible. Maybe I want to get to know her again and see if there is any chance that there is any way we could ever try things between us again... What a selfish idea...

Somehow I think that if we had stayed honest with each other the whole time, we wouldn't have to worry about not knowing each other.... I have been honest, I guess... the things I have left out were more because I didn't want to be the only one talking. More like not telling the whole truth than telling lies--and it was because most of the whole truth was irrelevant details. Why am I even justifying this?...If it was real...I think it never would have ended the way it did."doesn't real love last forever?" If I know her at all, then she thinks more of it than she is letting on. This may be the last time I initiate conversation with her. A sad ending to what was really a beautiful friendship, turned into a sad love story, turned into nothing at all. I wish I knew what I could do differently to change what happened. Sometimes I wish I had never let myself become attached. I wish she had never said that.. well, I wish she'd never used the L word unless she really meant it.

salt in my mouth. What a dry, cracked world. Every time I think about this I forget myself. Maybe I've become what I have always hated. A sad excuse for a living soul. Just as I have repremanded myself before. I major in something with little or no eternal ramifications, and I prepare eagerly for a life behind a desk. Yeah, I still let my mind wonder when I look at the sky and grab a handfull of leaves from a tree, or break a stick while I walk... but I'm tom and loo gradgrind. Names which, if they were capitalized, would stand out too much from the rest of this paragraph. I'l prove it to myself.

My summer job won't be paying half the money I thought it would. It's unfortunate. I thought I was making like 7 thousand, I'm making 1 thousand. I mean, that's cool. My original estimate was based on a poor memory of the 2.5 thousand they told me on the phone and the amount of money I made last summer, which was actually really good for how much work I did. The 2.5 thousand was for working the whole summer, as opposed to half of it, which is what I will be doing. Of course, I am sending them several emails tomorrow, and several phone calls, and if I do not receive any useful responses within 24 hours of sending my messages, I think I might just give them a two weeks notice. That is... "you have two weeks to find a replacement, I will not work where I am not communicated with."

"Nonconformist"
"Those don't exist."
"Sure they do."
"Nope. You and I don't exist."
"Yeah? How?"
"See, we're trapped in a postmodern despotism of social obligation and debt; once you're out, you're homeless."
"So if I'm not homeless, I'm not really unique."
"No, because then you're homeless."
"So being unique is impossible?"
"Yep, but that being true, you don't exist. See? And we can do whatever we want, beause we don't exist."