Room is packed. I have made a playlist of all my mellow music and it's about 24 hours long, so it's been playing in my room all day with repeat on. I met a girl at chapel today, she said she's a senior in highschool and will come here next year, that she lives right off campus. I've seen her just hanging out at that church a couple times. She sits and picks out parts of Star Wars songs. She will fit right in. She said she'd see me next semester. I forgot to tell her I'd be gone. lol, whatever.

Yesterday my dad told me that I aught to take some time and think about the semester to prepare myself for events ahead of me. He said in the military they call it decompression, and it's time given to troops after assignments. Not that I have been in a war or anything, but this semester still leaves me with lots to think about... "Decompression". I've been thinking about it most of the day, that is, thinking about the semester with that as a predisposition... or... more like a self-fulfilling presupposition. (at least, i hope)... lol, I have been packing my stuff into boxes all day, too. More irony.

I keep thinking about all the people who I really enjoy being around, and how I wish I would have put more effort into being around them more, or at least telling them that I really like being around them.. I guess it's not something one should really dwell on. I keep thinking like I will never see these people again. blaah. What is wrong with me. I'm gonna be back sooner than later. Why do I even miss anyone! It hasn't been long at all. This has got to pass quickly. I could just puke.

"then walked to a town that all of us burned when God left the ground to circle the world"

Right now I am a stressful ball of worry and fear and attachment to people. I really don't want/like this feeling of attachment (much at all), like, missing people. How do you do it? I would rather be an island... and all my plans rest on a single phone call to a group of people i don't even know.

It makes me wonder --in parallel with a previous train of thought, how I don't want to be "in love" with anyone, but would rather just love (like... love the way God loves us) and not be attached-- how have I let so few people gain so much control over my life? I thought I had agreed with myself that I wouldn't let that happen after the way I fell in and out of that other relationship. ("Just don't take it personally, you know? Roll with the punches"_"my parents used to tell me that... 'roll with the punches'".) "But these are different circumstances"this is unavoidable; those are two completely different situations". Will it always be this way? Will I always be dependent on someone else? "That is why you choose who you depend on... so it doesn't end up being someone you don't know." Seriously? That's the conclusion? How on earth do I choose my dependencies?

So... for some reason my train of thought seems to be degrading toward a discussion on choosing a wife (as in... someone to depend on.) Certainly that is not the only person I am supposed to trust (should I ever decide on a girl who is worth dating.... er.... not that there is anything wrong with the girls i already know.. it's just... er... well.............) BAH! I used the word "Certainly" again! I don't like the ways I use that word, or the way my voice sounds when I say it. I really plan on stopping that. *shudder*

This feels unresolved.. Maybe some other late night.

Honestly.... Maybe it won't. I am so out of it right now. This feels like it could be one of those posts I delete later when I am more together.

"I really can't imagine.."

"..Don't think too hard about it."

it's 3:00 in the morning and i dont have finals tomorrow and my sleep cycles are RUINED.

however, staying up late isnt all that bad. i went to chapel the past two nights and met this girl. i am going to go back tomorrow night and, if she is there, ask for her full name so i can look her up on facebook. :) hahaha

i wonder if she will be there tomorrow night...

the physics final was today and i am going to try not to think about it *not thinking about it*

i also had my cosc final. that was another stressful one. i can hardly move my arms without feeling the stress in my shoulders. if i am still capable of having those hallucination, then i am pushing my limits. the doc said i might grow out of them eventually, but on the other hand, i am doing a lot to bring down the stress lately. like playing piano and making a point of keeping a que sera sera attitude. (but still studying alot)

in fact, i really want to go play piano again... right now.

I am drifting in and out of a dream right now. It's a good dream, about a long time ago. Makes me miss my old friends. Nobody I've mentioned here before.

I am doing physics right now. I have one more problem. I have spent 30 minutes drawing a free body diagram, and I haven't even gotten to drawing the forces which aren't explicitly mentioned in the problem. It's not because it's hard. I know how to do this problem... conservation of momentum.. simple. mv[ai]=mv[bf]cos(theta). then, the direction.... that's just an angle. tan^(-1)(mv*sin(theta)/mv*cos(theta)) oh look at that. the mv and sin/cos cancel out. its tan(-1)(v/v). I am doing this wrong. I can't think hard enough to match up my work with the professor's online help.

I went to practice piano tonight and didn't get to. A guy and a girl were there. I couldn't tell what they were doing, but I am sure it wasn't anything bad.

In fact, I am going to go back and see if there is still anyone there. It is 1:30 in the morning, I have a final tomorrow at 3. If I get in an hour of piano practice, I can get 8 hours of sleep and it will only be 10:30AM. Shoot, I can get 10 hours of sleep and still have time to get ready for this exam. I just hope I don't fall asleep at the Chapel. I've already practiced an hour today. ... I just feel like practicing again.

"You value your life alot more than I value mine."

"That's not true. I just don't dwell on it."

"Then what motivates you to do anything?"

"Nothing. I am clockwork, and I do as I am told."

Got a phone call today, and the person on the other line hinted at some things I didn't want to hear. It reminded me of the way I shouldn't be thinking. I found it comforting, even if it didn't really mean anything. Makes me wonder who's reading my blog.

I got a visit a long time ago from someone who is now a friend of mine, I would like to think. I wish I could write to that someone... but that's not how we talk... with words.... this is a difficult one for me to explain without writing exactly who it is. Maybe I will just never get this one out. I think there is only one person besides me who knows that story in detail. Somehow... the more I think about it, the more I think that it's something nobody really needs to know except me.

Back to the phone call. She doesn't think the way I do anymore. It's hard for me to let go of the way things used to be. I realize more and more that it is my only option. For the past few months, I didn't know how we had changed. I had an image of her, and it was the wrong one. We are different people. The whole phone call I felt like there was a conversation we should have been having. There was something clogging up my throat that I couldn't get out, and I really can't put my finger on what it is. Just the answer to all my questions at once, I guess. I might never know. We keep so many secrets where there should never have been any.

Eh, God only knows.

God, bless my friends, and help me to Love them as you do, and I pray they would feel your Love through me.

"Your apologies are so convincing. What am I supposed to think?"

"You're a much better liar than I am."

I've been kindof caught up in a loop all day. I've been doing most of what I can to get my mind off it. I wish that wouldn't happen to me. Right when I think this is behind me, it shows up again. I practiced piano for about 2 or 3 hours today, and then read the Bible alittle, and that helped alot. I shouldn't let a person have that kind of effect on me. I was dumb to let myself become so attached.

Someone told me I have been getting quieter ever since I started highschool. My freshman year in highschool, I was loud and outgoing. I don't know what happened... I don't think I would have some of my better friends if I was popular.

All this darkness. Philippians 4:8 has something to say about that. I should count my blessings, and not get so hung up on the past. I have given myself to God, and this could be a lot worse. God, like any good father takes care of his children, and like any good steward takes care of his possessions.

"Zac, don't ever pour your heart out for someone; don't ever love the way I did." Some people will never die.

No blog last night. Might have had something to do with my text inbox. I completely forgot until it was already too late. "too late, when has it ever been too late?"

I had been putting that certain something off for a long time. I figured the parties involved would understand, because we are all so busy.

I remember when I learned the difference between too and to. I was really young and I overheard someone explaining it to someone else.

"I crossed my fingers, but I didn't beg"

If I could look into that person's eyes just once... I think I would understand alot more. I think I would have a better idea of what thoughts are running through the person's mind... or at least, I would gather something that could get me out of this loop. I would know where we stand in this mess, and maybe I would let it go."5023 emails. that's 4.7 emails a day for 3 years." It is hardly a mess anymore. More like something pushed under the bed. It is behind us. I am going to try so hard for us to see each other this summer. We already agreed that we both want that. God, please help me to make that happen. God, Your will be done.

I took a trip down memory lane, checked out some old emails. I know that's totally weird, but this is still something I don't understand. Reading one or two of those made me cry. If it was anyone's business but ours, I would post all of those emails right here. Instead, I am going to start saving them as text files for a while. Someday, I think I am going to turn it into a book of letters, and then a novel. If I ever get around to it. Books which, even if they are written written, will never be published. I will make sure of that. My computer still automatically logs me into that website, even though I haven't been on in months, and my browser's info has been deleted once or twice since then.

"...and no matter what, bestie..you mean the world to me."