I'm in the house, and I'm overwhelmed. My to-do list is short, but I don't have a clear understanding of what will be acceptable. Can I just do what seems best to me?

I'm not sure.

Furthermore, I haven't taken a break this week, except while writing these blogs. I haven't taken a break, but I have very much sat inactive (frozen, without thought) at work for an unaccounted period of time.

Right now, my eyes are so dry as to feel as if they are on fire, but not for dehydration.

The plumbing seems to work fine, but the toilet in the master bathroom flushes less forcefully than the one in the guest bathroom by a significant margin. It's flushing, but it's also driving me crazy, because I don't know whether this apparent lack of force is because of the age of the toilet, the quality of the work, or the quantity of toilet paper I used last time I pooped. Was it like this before my last poop? Did I accidentally flush a wet wipe? Can one wet wipe cause this? If so, how long will it last there?  Maybe I'm just paranoid. At least I know it's not the drain as a whole, because the other toilet is draining fine, and I know they all share a pipe.

Five years ago, I wouldn't have noticed at all. It flushes. Who cares with what force? But no, it's neither the criminal nor the crime that makes me anxious; it's the judge.

The warranty company is giving me a really hard time. Every few days they ask me another random question about the break -- I think my plumber has answered "cause of loss" like 5 times asked by different claims representatives... I guess they reeeaaly don't want to help me with these repairs. This warranty company: zero stars for service... There is a clause in the warranty saying, "the coverage under this policy shall come after any and all other warranties in place." Well, we had another warranty which contributed a tiny amount to the bill (about 4% of the total cost); now this warranty company is saying that they won't contribute anything but the $70 deductible from my other warranty. Well, in spite of their apparently capricious interpretations of their own documents, the statement in their coverage description is a positive one: "The coverage under this policy shall come after...". It seems to me that if they didn't want to cover things after other warranties, then they should have written, "The coverage under this policy shall not come after..." (except that this is even less clear. They really should have said something like, "this policy excludes coverage to repairs which have been covered by any other warranties"). Anyway, "coming after" in this context can only mean either "being temporally later", or "filling in the gap not covered by the other policy", right? So, it makes sense to me that they should say about a 5$ claim, which was previously covered 3$, "we will only contribute 2$ of the 4$ that you would otherwise gotten from us if you weren't already covered". Only, I don't know how much power I have to argue the semantics of their coverage documents with them. This is the kind of stupid warranty/insurance language that stresses me out every day.

Honestly it makes me wonder if my skills in language have become very far removed from common English. I'm frequently arguing Biblical grammar with atheists. One recently told me that when Jesus commanded his disciples, "receive the Holy Spirit", it meant that they did indeed receive it at that moment; and he would not hear me making distinctions between declarative and imperative statements. (His argument was that the disciples are said to have received the Holy Spirit twice, because of John 20:19-23 and Acts 2:1-4, and he thought that was a contradiction. He also said that Jesus breathing on them means they received the Holy Spirit, and supported that by citing Genesis where God breathes life into people, not tolerating that the words "life" and "Holy Spirit" do not have the same literal meanings. I made the argument that John 20 doesn't actually say they received the Holy Spirit. In retrospect I think it would have been equally valid, and maybe more effective, to point out that people can receive and/or be filled with the Holy Spirit multiple times without violating any stated Biblical rules.) His argument was dumb, but Googling it reveals that he's not the only one making this argument.... or again, maybe I just don't have as firm a grasp on the English language as I like to imagine.

But anyway, I'm in the house. It's livable.

The kitchen cabinets are too gross for Chowon. I'm hoping to remedy that before Chowon moves in, but I don't know the best way to do it yet. Tomorrow I'm going to spend the day hunting for cabinet advice around town, and I hope I will begin to execute a plan in the evening. It's too bad we have so many salesmen and so few craftsmen. What a waste.

God, give me peace, and help me to finish all the work I need to do in a timely manner, and provide for all our daily needs.

"The republic cannot be governed without injustice."

Yesterday I moved into the house and cleaned half the flooring and the shower. Today is the day to clean the other half of the floor, and if I have time, to go to Home Depot and pick up some things I'll need for other fixes and cleaning. I'm writing this blog during my lunch hour.

Been struggling with grouchiness, and motivation to do anything, but I found myself really enjoying the house work. I have a lot of house-work to do, so it's God's blessing to me that I am able to enjoy myself while I do it, but I am certainly stressed out by it when I'm not immediately working on it. I'm worried that I won't have enough time to finish all the things that really need to be done before Chowon comes here. I want the house to be perfect for her.

While I worked, I listened to City of God for my second time through (not all of it, obviously, but I started and got to the end of Chapter 2). It was much easier to understand this time, because since last time I've exposed myself to a lot of other writings which similarly referenced Greek writing and mythology.

Listening to City of God again has really strengthened my conviction that Christianity didn't borrow from Greek ideas about the prime mover, which is an idea I've now heard espoused by more than three atheists with a penchant for theorizing about religions. In fact, I find the argument itself to be extremely silly. I think the most compelling point toward the idea that the Bible wasn't written by Aristotelian philosophers is this: Aristotle was born 50-100 years after Malachi died, and Plato and Socrates were born 200-400 years after Isaiah died. Given that Isaiah and Malachi reference the Pentateuch, the story of the first mover was decidedly well-established in middle-eastern Judaism prior to the birth of any of our favorite Greek Philosophers. (I also would not make the argument that Judaism influenced Greece).

But the theory has more subtle flaws. The difference between Greek and Christian ideas about God/goodness are really such that it's difficult to imagine how Christianity came to be as it is at all, if we are supposed to be interpreting it in light of Greek philosophy; the philosophies are fundamentally different. What's easy to imagine, though, is how a person casually educated in Greek XOR Christian philosophy might come to the conclusion that one originated from the other, since they both espouse nominal justice and righteousness, and Wikipedia's consensus of titular scholars seems motivated to prove that the Bible was written yesterday.

For the case of the prime mover, specifically, Christianity is decidedly not Aristotelian in its logical path, pre and post deciding the necessity of a prime mover. It uses an entirely different set of antecedents, and after having arrived at said necessity it utilizes the prime mover for an entirely different set of conclusions. One example: Aristotle is understood to have espoused an Aristotelian (empirical) approach to knowledge and epistemology, as opposed to Plato's forms; Christianity rather relocates (what might arguably be comparable with) the forms into the Character of God. Without drawing out all the details, if you dig into it, you will find that the features of reality are, in both systems, inevitably determined by the intrinsic characteristics which limit that primitive/ultimate expression of the prime mover, and Christian and Aristotelian views about reality are very different, so their prime movers had different features -- I think that's an ok short-hand explanation, but if you want details then I recommend you read the books.

That said, I won't argue against someone who says that Thomas Aquinas and many other relatively modern philosophers were heavily influenced by Aristotle's ideas, (I haven't read Aquinas yet), but saying that modern Christianity is influenced by Greek philosophy is very different from saying that the Bible is influenced by Greek philosophy. And in general, when I talk about Christianity, I intend to refer to the teachings of the Bible. (Do with that last statement what you will, but on another topic, I'm firmly convinced that the text in the Bible isn't all-that open to wildly differing subjective interpretations, if you take out all the verse numbers and simply sit down and read it like any other book).

Earlier someone told me that I needed to read more, but didn't recommend any books to me. It bothered me a lot, and when I challenged him on it he responded with a list of books that he himself had not read! So here since I've recommended that you read books, I want to indulge myself a bit by offering you some recommendations, with names of books and authors I actually have read, and which I think support my argument. If you read this blog and thought, "what shall I read?", then start with the Bible, I suppose. But then proceed with the classic Greek poems to get some background on what every other author will be talking about: the Odyssey, the Iliad, the Aeneid, etc..  Then read up on the excellent conversations of the polytheistic-and-yet-godless philosophers of Greece: the Republic, Metaphysics, etc.. And then go ahead and read Herodotus's Histories (I admit to being only partway through Herodotus), Josephus, Eusebius, Tertulian, Pliney, Augustine, and any other ancient author loved by Christians.. and while I'm listing books I like, now in no particular order, you should also read as much as you can stomach of John Foxe's Martyrs (I never finished it, and I'm not sure I can even recommend finishing it, but I'm glad that I started), Luther's Bondage of the Will, Clement to Corinth, Ignatius, Ambrose (why not), Rutherford's The Law and the King, and I'm also a big fan of Epictetus (Epictetus is not Christian). And then, after you're well-grounded in good argument, if you're in the mood to frustrate yourself with exposure to some really awful and emotional arguments, which you'll probably hear over and over again IRL, and which you'll recognize having read all the other books as being written by someone with actually very little knowledge of the religious system under criticism, Nietzsche's Antichrist is (IMO) a terminal exposition of atheist rhetoric. Oh, oh, and (again after the other books) if you're entertained by bad arguments, also check out Thomas Paine on Predestination and Calvinism -- it's not just bad, but humorously so, and at nearly every point; it's as if he's never read an analogy before (with incredulity: "Pots and pans have not the faculty of speech"!). I haven't read any of Thomas Paine's other writings, even though I would like to, because despite being humorous, his first impression on me was such that without some external motivation I can't bring myself to allocate time for him over other, more valuable texts.

Ahh man, listening to Augustine last night was really refreshing. God, thanks for Augustine.

Last thing: this week I've found a lot of comfort in expressing my complaints to God out loud, even without necessarily asking for any help. For example, "God, I don't want ___, but I feel like it's the best thing! I don't want to do/ask for it, but I think that I am supposed to." and sometimes just leaving it at that. It seems that in each case, soon afterward, the specific situation becomes more bearable. I think (and the Bible teaches in 1 Peter 5:7 and Philippians 4:6-7) God wants us to express our concerns to Him. That means, not just complaining or gossiping to one another, and not just talking to ourselves, but actually explaining our situation to God.

"The cure for pain is in the pain, so that's where you'll find me."

So, the rebuild work on the house is finally done. I still have some payments to make, and I still need to move back into the house, and I still need to contact a bunch of people about it.

I don't like my current residence, and I want to move back into the house, but I can't seem to shake this ominous feeling that "the house isn't ready for me yet". It's like, the fact that it's finally done -- finally livable -- it's not credible; too good to be true. After all we've been through, is it really so simple now?

Certainly not, I know, because of the financial situation which is still unfinished, but, I mean, do we really have a place to live now? Can I really move back into MY house???

I could have moved in today, but I didn't. Instead I spent the evening rummaging through our storage unit looking for the internet stuff. I didn't succeed in finding it, so I think my only option is to go ahead and move in without internet, and slowly unpack boxes until I find the internet stuff.

But I also need to clean. I wanted to do that before I really got serious about moving in, but recent events have left me little choice but to move in immediately... and now that I'm the only person who will be working on the house, it's almost difficult to accept the idea that I'm permitted to work on it now -- that if I clean the floors, my work won't be immediately ruined by the dirty boots of contractors -- that if I clean the bathrooms, my work won't be disrupted by malfunctioning drains. Can I really resume my own aspirations for that building?

Is it mine yet?

Only, it isn't really. There are too many outstanding variables, and too few known equations. This isn't a solvable linear system yet. Give it time, though. God is in charge, as always... and at least I can count on time to be linear. What ever would I do if some portion of my memory suddenly reduced to a higher order differential? I don't think I remember even one formula from that class!

I want to live in that house so bad, but I was unable to bring myself to move in today.

Btw, encountered this song recently. It got me thinking about how much negativity and despair can be in something so attractive:

Also, I've been thinking about the theonomic state lately, too. It seems to me that the laws for Israel depended heavily on a sure knowledge of the quantity and tribe of Israelites in the land, especially when it came to redistribution of land. The consequence of that for a modern theonomic state is: if we were to redistribute land (as is a necessary prerequisite for many of the OT laws to make sense), we would have to know how many Israelites there are... that is, how many of God's covenant Israel there are (Romans 9:8), and we know that we are unable to know exactly who some of those people are (1 John 2:19, 2 Peter 3:9, Rev 6:11, experience...). So, there would be no easy way to divide up the land in a modern theonomic state, which would in turn make the economy very difficult to structure given the OT system. The only way to do it would be to divide up the land in the whole world by each family, and then enforce that each family maintain ownership of their land, Christian or not, but that wouldn't precisely fit the OT model, and not to mention it would be impractical. The only recourse, then, for the existence of a modern theonomic state, would be to find that all of the laws which depended on the land-economy were ceremonial and thus fulfilled -- not a difficult task, honestly, but I feel like "impracticality" is not a valid reason to label some law "fulfilled". Thus, a solid set of rules need to be developed for distinguishing between "fulfilled" and "abiding" principles in the law, and if we find that an "abiding" principle in the OT civil/governmental law is impossible for us to meet, in spite of its being unfulfilled, and not because of our sin but simply because of our available means, then we conclude without a doubt that it is not possible to establish a theonomic state in the years of our Lord Jesus Christ, without His direct and tangible rule, as physical and vocally communicating king.

I'm not aware of any such set of rules for distinguishing, apart from a point-for-point comparison of Jesus's actions with the law. I think that I recall some discussion about a closely-related topic in Calvin's Institutes, so I'll investigate the matter further. What I now need to do is be very careful not to allow my own confirmation bias to cause me to interpret a law as fulfilled when in fact it may be indicative of the lawless state of the world (indeed, the potential impossibility of a theocratic/theonomic/christofascist state is a threat to my current worldview and motivation for study). I should rather take God's word as it is plainly communicated; it's just that it is a very complicated book! I wish God would draw me a diagram of the topics and principles in it or something... but then again, that would take away my own fun in drawing diagrams. Learning is part of the adventure.

ETA: On second though, it may be the case that it is not so impractical to divide up the land in a fair, Biblical, and consistent way -- if it is not done by individual families, but by "tribes" delineated after some Biblical model. In any case, the problem needs further investigation.

"Infinite beatitude of existence! It is; and there is none else beside It. It fills all space, and what it fills, It is... What it thinks, that It utters; and what It utters, that It hears; and It itself is Thinker, Utterer, Hearer, Thought, Word, Audition; it is the One, and yet the All in All. Ah, the happiness, ah the happiness of being!"

Today I was thinking about God's relationship with his church.

God loves us, and we hate him. He tries to do good for us, to teach us, and we reject it. We constantly push him away while demanding that he be closer to us. He tries to give us life, and we tell him it's not good enough; we would rather do things that are self-destructive, and that hurt our relationship with him. Our possessions are worth way more to us than our God; so much so that we get mad at God when our possessions come into check.

We hate God so much, if he came down and tried to spend time with us in person, we would kill him -- and we did.

Now I understand why God gives us such limited information about his plans. Why would he explain it all to us, when we have already started berating him for doing it in a way we don't like, before we even heard the first part! We don't like sanctification; we don't like trusting God to handle things; we would rather do it our own way. All day long we demand that God reveal his plans to us, because we're so worried about the future, and God's response was so gentle in scripture -- I am so ashamed of myself for not mirroring it -- "don't worry about tomorrow. Today has enough trouble of its own", and then he gave himself up for us.

Why can't I take my own advice? Why can't I just relax? Why won't I listen to God's advice, and just be compassionate, not concerning myself with the troubles that attack me in this world, but continuously pursuing good? Why can't I just calmly take each step, knowing that God is really God? Why can't I forgive? Why can't I focus on what's really important in life, and put that first? Why do I let the stress of the world prevent me from doing as I ought to do?

I know the answer, but I don't abide by it.

"It seems we weren't prepared...can we just go home?"

I was listening to some sad music today, and I guess it got me feeling dramatic... I wrote this, and I thought immediately afterward, "there's no way I can post it. People will get the wrong idea". But, the thought of not getting this out and away from me is actually really difficult for me to handle. Just remember,  it's prose, ok? It's not for anyone else that I write this blog; I write these posts just for me. Putting my thoughts in public like this means, to me, that my thoughts are not hidden, and so I can finally let them go. Just, nobody read this and then come asking me "Zac are you ok?", as that would drive me absolutely crazy.

"
God, thank you for the heartache.
Thank you for the pain.
Thank you for every lost moment.
Thank you for fear and hiding.
Thank you for the sudden panic, the worry.
Thank you for the terror that won't stop coming,
The thoughts I can't stop having.
Thank you for the headaches,
The tears that won't come no matter how much I want them,
The plans that can't be kept,
The loss and confusion,
The change I see in myself,
The change I hate,
The change I want,
The change I can't have.
Thank you for the hope, endless;
Always hoping, because we haven't yet received.
Thank you, God, for the trust I can't stop carrying.
Thank you for giving me no other choice.
Thank you for not letting me see any other possible vantage point.
Thank you for not letting me know the future, or even the present.
Thank you for covering me in this blanket,
And for the tears that won't stop coming,
The ache in our backs,
The constant discomfort,
The little things that keep me gasping for air in a world of bigger troubles.
Thank you for showing me over and over that there are much worse things that could happen,
And in showing me, increasing my sorrow, and my longing.
Thank you for reminding me that I am cared for,
And for making it confusing, who it is that cares on earth.
Thank you for showing me that you are the only one reliable.
Thank you for the constant spinning, the betrayal, the lost expectations.
Thank you for the sickness, the weakness, the injury, the curse.
Thank you, God, because what I want is for good to happen,
And I know that you have planned all this for your glory.
"

"Like one who takes away a garment on a cold day, or like vinegar poured on a wound, is one who sings songs to a heavy heart." (Prov 25:20)

Listening to this song right now:

I can relate lol.

My dad came to town for the weekend and left Monday. I decided to postpone any non-urgent work while he was here -- because what other time will I have to spend with my dad?

We spent time doing everything I like to do! We drank coffee, wandered around a book store, watched a sermon, and sat and talked about life. It was a real encouragement; but somehow, being so far from the discomfort of my day to day life made the first two days after he left very difficult. I had to adjust again to my current lodging. In any case, I'm really glad he came over.

I'm writing this on my wife's birthday. I'm sad I missed it. It seems like every year on her birthday, something happens (or doesn't happen), and so I don't get to do anything really cool for her. I'll just have to plan something special for when she returns.

I have a lot to do at work, and a lot to do at home. While my dad was here, he encouraged me to sit and process the actual decisions ahead of me. It's something I've been avoiding, I guess, because just like the electricity I spend all day talking with, I love the path of least resistance. Having thought about it, though, I think I now face a more frightening realization -- that attempting to work through this will definitely lead to more work, but choosing to relax and trust in God's providence will almost certainly make things easier. Relaxation isn't easy, because there's so much I still don't understand about the situation, and everyone around me keeps insisting (without saying so) that a financial loss is also a personal loss. I've let myself become emotionally invested in my money -- it's something I don't think I did when I was growing up; I don't know how I got to this place.

But how can I not care about the same things which are cared about by the people I care about? Caring about someone means you want them to be happy, and so I should also want the same for whatever they care about.

I need to learn how to love people without making them a part of myself. I'm too all-or-nothing, and it breaks me up when I get into a position where it's impossible to please the people I love. And then I don't know how to act. I can't make God my only source of joy, as pious as the platitude may seem, because deriving joy from my family is a legitimate part of loving them, and although loving them is a great joy for me in general, it is also obedience to God's command in Eph 5:25-37, (among many other passages of the sort). And, as much as God's love is the model for our love, we know that God creates calm by means of his love, and rejoices over us with singing and dancing (Zeph 3:17), so it is natural and good for us to do love for one another by taking pleasure in one another's joy. I enjoy seeing my family at peace... but what do I do when their peace comes to me at cost, and the price is their peace? Without describing all the details here, that's the way this situation feels. I can't win. These kinds of lose-lose situations seem to be the story of my adult life, and yet in spite of a few major downturns that I've experienced, I see my station improving in small ways every day. Reaching a high place takes a long time, but low places are reached in a matter of moments.

...

Just got off the phone with the warranty company again. I really don't know how to interpret what those guys are saying anymore, it's so convoluted, but it sounded a lot like he was saying they wouldn't cover me because I had another warranty cover me already. I explained loudly to him that the explanations he was giving me were not spelled out in any of the documentation I received from his company, and that the other warranty's coverage was insufficient by two orders of magnitude, and that there was still plenty of cost left for his warranty to cover. I read his own documents to him, and I got really angry with him on the phone, and it definitely showed in my voice, which made me feel bad, because the language he was using was so equivocal that I honestly can't tell if he was trying to help me or get out of paying his part. In the end, though, it seems like we got onto the same page.

I had to get some info, send an email, and then call them back to check that they received it. They said call again on Thursday.

"I know we're busy taking over the world right now, but let's try to stay humble about it."

Listening to Hazakim tonight. Some of their stuff is a little bit confusing, because their goal seems to be to share the gospel in a way that addresses modern Jewish arguments against Christianity (like, their song "don't forget the ayin" has me all kinds of confused). Kinda digging this track though:

I don't like the sampling in this next one, but man, the lyrics are really awesome. Also, I'm a big fan of Ken Ham.

Last one -- I like this next track a lot. I'm not a fan of the hook, but there's no perfect song.

Today I was a little bit anxious to be outside of the place where I'm staying. I took a walk down to the nearest Starbucks, and immediately on arrival, I regretted not bringing a book with me. It was a good 10-15 minute walk, one way.

The words "God is doing something cool, I just have to wait and see what it is" always feel like their on the tip of my tongue, making my lips itch. I've said it so many times to people who tell me "man your situation sucks so bad". But I realized as I was writing this -- I haven't said it to any of the atheists who told me that. When my coworkers told me, "man Zac, your situation is so bad, I can't believe you're staying sane", I just shrugged and said "well..." and let the conversation move past it. The topic made me uncomfortable. I'm like two different people, depending on who I'm around. I hate that about myself. God rescue me from this duality!

Everyone has a different opinion on how we should be handling it, but when my brother told me about it, he gave me so much to think about. He approaches these situations in a way that's so different from what anyone else tells me to do -- it's refreshing, but I have no idea how to respond. It makes me want to go spend more time in PA, so that I can learn that culture and be able to respond to it. He is likely right, though. So right that I don't want to say anything about it here. I have to wait until the right time to play my cards, I think.

"Who is this that obscures my plans with words without knowledge?"

Bowling was fun last night, but I was out too late and I was really tired all day today. I forgot that in my new place, I need to wake up especially early. I'll have to be more careful in the future.

Someone told me today, "you've been through a lot", and I inexplicably had to choke back tears. I haven't really experienced that as much as maybe I should since all this started happening. I don't think the person I spoke with noticed, but I had to go let it out in the car later.

I was thinking recently about how God owns the firstborn of Israel (Exodus 13:1-2, 11-16). God required that the Israelites redeem their firstborn children who were otherwise dedicated to the Lord. Interestingly, the Bible details the price to redeem all kinds of animals, but I am unable to find a place where it tells the price to redeem a firstborn person. Redemption of persons in general is priced out in Leviticus 27, but that is for a "special vow", which I think doesn't include the common dedication of every firstborn. Nonetheless we do see that the firstborn sons of Israel were, by law, consecrated to the Lord. That includes Jesus Himself in Luke 2:22-24 -- note that the sacrifice of the doves mentioned in that passage was for Mary's purification rather than for Jesus's consecration (see Leviticus 12).

So what is the consecration? Consecration is described in a whole bunch of places in the Bible, and it seems like each place describes a different ceremonial activity for that specific consecration. In some places it's washing someone, in other places it's sprinkling blood or oil on someone, and in other places it involves a sacrifice for the sins of the consecrated individual. It seems to me that consecration is simply the practice of making an otherwise impure thing holy in preparation for that thing to be in the presence of God.

But there's more! God didn't just want the firstborn sons of Israel consecrated to himself. God wanted all the firstborn sons of Israel to be his own. However, as we read in Numbers 3:11-13, God took the whole tribe of Levi for himself in place of the firstborn children of Israel. This selection was a blessing to the Levites, explicitly because of their behavior in Exodus 32:22-29, when they chose to be for the Lord even though all the rest of Israel was against God.

Another interesting thing about this -- the firstborn is not counted in terms of the first child born to some father, but "the first male offspring of every womb" (Exodus 13:15). That means that both, Isaac and Ishmael were firstborn sons, because they were both the first male offspring from their mother's womb. It also means that Joseph was a firstborn son of Jacob. Jacob's position may seem unusual, but remember that the birthright and blessing did originally belong to Esau, and Esau would have received it if he didn't sell his birthright to Jacob. So, the firstborn seems to have been, in a sense, dedicated to God even before the command was given to consecrate them. Likewise, after the ceremonies were removed, we still have a sort of dedication of the firstborn:  Jesus is called the firstborn among many brothers (Romans 8:29), and the early church was called the "firstfruits" of the gospel (James 1:18). That makes David the odd man out, being the youngest brother and yet the only one chosen.

What got me thinking about this was the story of Abraham being commanded to sacrifice Isaac. Isaac was a firstborn son, and God commanded that Abraham dedicate Isaac to God. Then, God provided a ram to redeem the son -- a substitution appropriate for consecration and/or redemption. The question on my mind, then, since Isaac was not asked to be sacrificed on account of some sin recorded in the Bible, is whether Isaac's ram was a regular substitutionary sacrifice in the way that we normally think of it -- a type of Christ's sacrifice on our behalf -- or whether that ram was actually a price for the redemption of a firstborn son otherwise dedicated to God.

I'm pretty tired, though, so I might be making some serious errors here, and I'm really not sure what the implications of that kind of speculation could be.... but I'm going to go ahead and post it, because  I'm confident it isn't heretical, and I intend to investigate the matter more later.

"Its people are like grasshoppers."

My hotel time ran out, so I packed up today and moved into my new temporary lodging. This place is very unconventional, but every ounce of effort I put into it makes it feel a pound more like it's my own. I'm enjoying setting it up..

Also, Gawvi got me again with another great character profile. Based only on the theme, without knowledge of who it was referencing, I was really sure I wouldn't like it. It took me until the start of the second chorus to figure out who he was talking about. I had to listen to the song twice after that. I love it.

Today was another kinda crazy day. More conversations with Warranty companies. More last-minute attention to my job. More bills, etc, etc.. But I felt a lot better about it than yesterday -- although I'm still pretty cloudy-headed. I'm definitely not at 100% yet, but God is carrying me.

I finally got a travel license. I wonder if they'll start requiring these for land-travel at the borders between states. What does a travel license signify? What is its purpose again? Is it just to protect the airplanes? How is it a more reliable form of identification than a regular ID?

Anyway I'm glad I did it, because they allowed me to update my voter registration. So I set my party preference to "Christian Nationalist". Doing it made me nervous, because there were people there about to read the paper I was handing them, and they would have to manually enter it into a computer. And then after I submitted it, I felt a little ashamed about being nervous before. I hope that expressing my beliefs in small ways like this will help me to be more comfortable in expressing my beliefs openly. Everyone is so weird about religion and politics. Why should I hide my worldview? Why does everyone have to act like an atheist in public? When we're at church we talk about every event in terms of God's will, so why should we be any different anywhere else?

In any case, I'm very excited about the change, because if the Christians with premillennial eschatology are right (although I don't personally agree with them), then I hope this puts me first in line at the Colosseum. If God gives me strength, I'll sing a loud hymn and then high-five Ignatius in heaven.

Missing Chowon and the baby a lot. It hurts to think about them sometimes. I'm so busy that I am tempted to let myself become totally swallowed up by my tasks, but I need to remember to be a part of the life of my family.

The church guys are putting up an effort to hold me accountable. They invited me to go bowling tonight. That's where I'm going to go right now.

"The three branches are three days."

Man, I'm glad I had a good day Sunday, because today was extremely difficult. It was all rushing around, phone calls, trying to stay productive at work, and here's a new feature to this chapter in my life: panic attacks. I had to wake up early to go look at the house before work and sign some papers. Then, on the way to work and during work I was having phone calls with warranty companies. The phone calls were crazy. At one point, I was on hold with a warranty company, and I got called by another warranty company. It was important, so I conferenced them, and I had my whole conversation with warranty company 2 shouting over the hold music from warranty company 1. All that while I'm rushing to the car, because I have important errands to run and it's all the sudden time for my lunch break. Then when I got back, I had emails about projects that I was supposed to start on a week ago, and I had to power through as much of those projects as I could while hammering away at this house situation.

But I actually got a lot done. I pushed three projects to the point where I am waiting on other people now. As far as work goes, I think it was a productive day in the end.

Also, I dropped off my wife's car in a safe place where it can wait out the house situation, and had to walk back to my hotel in the hottest part of the day, right after work. I could have gotten an uber, but we're saving money, and I had enough time, so I powered through it. Discomfort is sometimes cleansing, and although I ended the walk exhausted and thirsty, it helped me get past all the rushing from earlier in the day. And anyway, my current lodgings are comfortable and I got a free dinner at the hotel. My needs are accounted for.

Talking with warranty companies is extremely stressful. I don't know the terminology or the trades involved with all this, and everything I say is twisted up by them. It's like insurance isn't really about whether or not a thing is covered; it's about whether or not you can phrase your description of things in a way that gets the things covered. It's a semantic game; I can't imagine how it is any less harmful to people less privileged than myself. What a waste of resources, the energy we expend to hold up these unbalanced scales.

During the purchase of the house, I tried to do things shrewdly; explaining things only as they needed to be explained; carefully wording everything; carefully examining every detail. It was the one detail I neglected which turned out to be the most important. It will always be impossible to capture every detail, and so all that effort can be nothing but useless. Moreover, I don't like it. I don't know how to twist up words like the insurance companies do. I'm not practiced in that game. I've resolved that from now on, I want only to act on the simple and plain integrity of my heart, to depend on God's providence to protect me from things I don't know, and to be eagerly ignorant of everything anyone asks me if it relates to the working of another man's trade.

"I love you. I hate you. I need you. Go away."

Feeling much better today than yesterday. I still think I could use a bit more sleep, but I've been able to make solid plans and execute them thoughtfully today.

Also, I've been listening to this song repeatedly lately. Not a fan of the squeaky swing-set they sampled, but the lyrics are awesome, and the baseline actually sounds great in my car speakers. I especially appreciate how they aren't too obvious in their references, so it sounds like a bunch of random stuff put together unless you know the story they're referencing... but if you know what they're talking about then it all comes together. It's got maybe an overly simple hook, as far as music goes, but I think that's perfect for the theme.

Tomorrow is shaping up to be especially busy. I hope I'm able to handle it all. If possible, I want to knock out all of this week's known objectives in one day, so I can focus on catching unexpected stuff and followups for the rest of the week.

I don't have much time to blog tonight, so I want to talk about a conversation I had online with a Mormon recently, because he said something to me that made me laugh out loud while I was reading it. We were talking about whether or not a person could become a god. The conversation followed typical progression: I cited Isaiah chapters 40-50, where God says in like 20 different places, "I am the only God who exists, and there is no other god". He responded saying that "no other god" means "no other god for you". I explained how, semantically, the "for you" clause is important, and the sentence with or without it would have two very different meanings, and then I pointed out that the verses do not have that clause. Here's the thesis from his next response:

"Why kick against the pricks. Do you envy our enternal progression?  Is pride keeping you from the Church. Is pride keeping you from kneeling and asking that one true God if you can become like him?"[sic - pasted]

I've never been so amused and offended at the same time. I explained to him how the Bible gives us knowledge of God and then warns us not to accept "gods you have not known". Then I explained to him that his god is one I don't know, because his god hasn't existed for all eternity, but ascended from being a man to being a god. His god only has power over this planet, and is by no means unique. His god is incapable of generating universes ex nihilo. His god depends on actual procreation with spirit wives to generate children. His god doesn't come down and tabernacle among us and die on our behalf, but rather just lets one of us die on behalf of the rest. My God is actually eternal, having literally all power, having created literally everything and everyone by the word of his mouth, met with us on our level so that we could know him, and gave his own life for me and then brought himself back to life.

I also explained why I'm not jealous for his eternal progression. It's because (as illustrated above) my God is bigger and more powerful than his. My God is not the God of people who seek to do good only for their own gain/ascension; my God is the God of people who seek to do good because they love God and neighbor.

Ahhh... My God is the best.

"Who is this uncircumcised Philistine that he should defy the armies of the living God"

I tried to take some time today to process and prepare myself mentally for the time I've just begun to spend alone.

I feel bound up. It's like all the stuff I want and all the stuff I don't want are the same things. I spent the better part of the day frozen; my head feels like it's full of hot pudding. I got a half-hour of sleep here, a half-hour there. I hoped to catch-up today, but I definitely am not caught up on sleep yet. I guess I will need a couple of days before I feel totally prepared to do the work that needs to be done. In the meantime, I'm stuck doing that work in spite of myself.

I managed to get just a few things done today, but doing anything at all right now feels like I'm trying to knit while wearing boxing gloves. I just can't seem to acknowledge any details about what I'm doing; I only seem able to push the result and nothing else.

I think that after I've had some sleep, and spent some time recovering mentally from the emotional whirlwind that was the past two weeks, I guess I'll be able to accomplish anything. I just need a break. Just a few hours to clear my thoughts without being attacked.

I'm hoping that writing this post will help me to progress through this weird mental funk I seem to have stepped into.

Chowon has been trying to pull strings to get me a more comfortable long-term place to stay. I might have to concede to one of these places... but I don't want to, and I can't seem to articulate the reason in a way that satisfies me. I don't want to stay in a house with a married couple. I don't want to sleep on somebody's couch (I'd be more receptive to their floor). I want to be alone.

I feel extremely narrow; I can't seem to step outside of myself. I have some kind of mental tunnel-vision. For example, I've spent several years building a habit to force myself to imagine that the lives of all people around me are just as complex as mine, and normally these days I can do it without much conscious effort, but right now everything around me is a cardboard cutout, and every person lacks identity -- even the people I theoretically know. How can I go to church like this?

My plan for this evening was to pay bills, fold laundry, and watch a show (I'm still working through DS9). I paid the bills, but the numbers were confusing, and I had to add another action item to my list to call them during business hours and ask them to explain it. Speaking of which, I also need to call the people working on my house and get their explanations. I can't bring myself to start my show -- it just doesn't fit my mood, I guess. I can't think of anything that does fit my mood.... except maybe a glass of milk.

I think I'm going to buy a pocket notebook to keep my thoughts and to-do list in, just like when I was in school. TBH Idk why I stopped doing that. Unfortunately, I don't have my own space, so I can't post notes all around me like I did when I was single. For example, I didn't zip up my pants today, and I'm pretty sure I was wearing my shirt backwards -- I used to have a note for that kind of thing on the wall above my computer. Chowon didn't like the notes, but seems to enjoy reminding me of everything herself. I wouldn't mind it if she didn't use it against me when it was convenient for her. Maybe this is a good opportunity to discard that crutch in favor of a better or more self-sufficient habit.

I miss Chowon and the baby, but I'm glad I have this space to regroup.

Now that I'm thinking about it, I'm really in the mood for a glass of milk. I'm going to go buy milk and a cheap pocket notebook, and then fold laundry and watch my show.

"It seems like you found a better way."

I let myself give-in to some nostalgia this morning, watching this video:

It's time to talk a little about the situation we're in. We closed on a nice looking house. The plumbing failed, and the foundation has to be dug up to fix it. It's expensive and it's taking a lot of time. I don't want to get into the details here. This post is just to talk about how we're surviving in the meantime.

We told our pastor that we needed a place to stay for a week, and we lived there for more than a month. Our insurance got us a hotel for two weeks; it's not going to last the full duration of the repairs. I had to fight to get it to last until Chowon flies out of town. I'm sending Chowon and the baby to live with my family while I ride out the house situation. It looks like it might be another month, or maybe more before we have our own place again. I don't want to live in a house with a married couple if I can help it (i.e. my pastor's family) -- I wouldn't want to accidentally find myself alone in the house with somebody else's wife. I trust them and everything, but it's just not gentlemanly. So I asked a friend if I could move in with him, and he said no, because I need a room indefinitely for free, and he said it's not a smart idea for him. That leaves me with just a few options, and they're all fantastic adventures.

The stress has been bad for everyone. I think that Chowon and I have kept our relationship on good terms somehow, but I know that bitterness is looking for a foothold there. We both regularly make mistakes, and the stress has amplified our negativity. She doesn't handle unexpected events as well as I do. She's spent a considerable amount of energy rationalizing about who is to blame for our trouble; I haven't, so I worry that if she turns the blame cannon towards me then I won't have a good response, and I won't have the time I need to untangle things and actually demonstrate how both of us, or someone else, or everyone at once, or at least not just me, equally shares blame. Maybe we can pin all the blame on just one person, but what is there to gain from that kind of thinking? All that just increases everyone's stress without contributing to a solution. I don't like lawsuits; I don't like the law; I don't like insurance; I don't like money; I don't like blame.  Why can't everything be simple? Why don't people act with kindness and integrity?

I think that as long as we stay committed to God, and remember that our relationship can survive in spite of the stress and arguments, things will be ok. I still have my job. We can recover financially. Reconciliation is sometimes a draining process, and I don't know how prepared I am to pursue it in the short term if things get sour; we may need to have some long conversations when all this is over.

I'm sincerely excited for Chowon and the baby's trip to visit my family. It will be a good change of scenery for her; there are plenty of babysitters, my family loves her, and this will hopefully open up some other options for me to find places to stay while I ride out the process. The hard thing on my mind right now is what to do with the house long-term, how long to allow myself to be separated from Chowon, and what to do if I decide it's been too long but the house situation isn't completed yet.

I still have my job, but I don't feel like a provider. Chowon is safe, but I don't feel like a protector. Chowon is going away, so I don't think I'll be functioning as comforter. It's apparent that I didn't lead my family in a beneficial direction. In a sense, I feel like all my functions as husband are removed from me.  All my money: gone. All my work: an expensive lesson. Sometimes I feel my mind going to a troubling place where I'm not intrinsically dissociated from all of my hopes, desires, possessions and faculties. I take a deep breath, preparing to let my emotions out on exhale, but nothing comes out; only hot dry breath. I don't have time to let myself feel it. I'll process all of this when I have peace, if peace ever comes to me while I am in this body.

What is my identity apart from the roles that God has placed me in? How do I describe "who I am" without describing what I have and do? The sound of a name isn't enough to describe what a person is; I'm something other than a sound, but I seem to have forgotten what.

A recurring theme in our conversations during this process has been the story of Jonah.

Jonah and Paul both had shipwrecks (Jonah's ship wasn't wrecked, I guess; he was just thrown overboard during a storm). Jonah's storm came while he was fleeing from God's will. Paul's storm came while he was pursuing God's will. God planned and executed things out so that both of them did their work for God's glory. After the fact, Jonah said "I'm so angry I wish I were dead.", and Paul said, "I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.".

God sends rain on both, the righteous and the unrighteous. Whether we live or die, we belong to God.

When Jonah was wallowing in his anger, God sent a leafy plant to give him shade, and Jonah was comforted. Then, the very next day, God sent a worm to destroy the plant, and Jonah was miserable again. Wealth and worldly possessions - physical comforts - can be given and taken away in an instant. Our comfort, our joy, and our contentment can't come from our physical circumstances.

What was the secret of your contentment, Paul?

"I can do all this through him who gives me strength."