I wrote this blog a few days ago, but didn't post it, and I felt much happier that very evening. I guess it's a tribute to the therapeutic power of journaling. I'm waiting for a meeting to start, so I figured I'd drop this real quick. In addition, I'm back in my audiobooks today, listening to Herodotus's histories.

--

Right now I feel like a saturated sponge.

I'm reading my books much slower (or not at all) these days. It's like I can't take much more information. Usually I want more information, and so I'll be listening to audiobooks in my spare time and while I work.

I was kinda starting to feel like I had room to absorb a little more, and then I got sent to robot training (#brag).

Maybe it's not that I wanted more information, but I just didn't want to think about the information I had at the time, and so I wanted other information, and so right now I simply don't want to think about any "other information". At this point, I'm hardly thinking about anything except what's right in front of me. I feel ok, but maybe this is a defense mechanism prompted by my earlier burnt-out-ness. I'm very much functional right now, and that's all.

For example: yesterday, Chowon asked me how I felt; I asked her to clarify, "about what?". She said, "You know, just in general. What's your emotional status". And I sat quietly for a minute, anxious to give an answer before she got the impression I'd ignored her, and I had no idea how I felt. Even right now, I can't for the life of me conjure up a leaning. Do I feel good or bad? I don't know. I guess I could go either way, depending on what other unrelated thing I think about. I feel kinda like a scab that's been picked off a few times and is growing back in a weird way -- neither bad nor good, really.

Right now I'm listening to this:

I didn't want to write this blog today, but I'm a thin film of bubble gum being filled up with either good or bad breath, and there's some unsuspecting nostril sitting across from me on the rail, and this blog is an pinhole relieving pressure, an involuntary precursor to a bigger explosion. Who will I be when that happens? Maybe I'll preach the gospel like someone with something to prove; maybe I'll get angry; maybe nothing will happen, and I'll just deflate like a cake with too much leavening, but maybe the cake won't taste so bad, it's just the presentation that's a little off.

Maybe I'm just waiting for something (but I don't know what) in my environment to change, so I can be what I think I should be, or so I can clarify what that is exactly. Or maybe I'm holding off until I get my opportunity to meet with that counselor I signed up for. That's next month, because scheduling is wack with the holidays and stuff.

"You're a fool."

I'm feeling better lately, but I think this recovery is coming at a sort of cost. Before, I wasn't getting things done because I was burnt out. Now, I'm not getting things done because I'm trying to recover. I've been distracting myself with theology; ironing out my argument, and studying to construct a more complete political theory around Christian Nationalism. I've recently taken some comfort in my old collection of poetry, too. And, for some inexplicable reason, for several days now I've been trapped in the mood for chiptune music *shame*.

I also sent the current revision of the argument to my old interlocutor, Logan, who my nonexistent readers might remember effectively caused me to reject the typical delivery of the presuppositional argument several years ago. I learned from that discussion that a positive argument for God is better than the "impossibility of the contrary", because we're trying to prove a large system, rather than just proving one single point of data. With such a large system, the set of false frameworks to be disproved might as well be infinitely large, but there is only one truth. I think that a system can be shown true or false by comparing it with the qualities which we know truth must have.

I've also reached out to get counseling. All this recent craziness has made me realize that there are a lot of things in my life I've never opened up about, and it would be nice to get it all out; to tell someone in a confidential setting. Maybe I'm just trying to offload any burdens I can find, to make room for the immediate pressure I continue to experience. 

"I have my books and my poetry to protect me."

I feel like a ghost; like my body is just floating from place to place in spite of me, and I'm disconnected from reality. I can neither feel nor remember my steps. It takes a lot of effort to bring to mind the next thing I intend to do, though I suppose the next step keeps being taken by me. Nothing I touch feels firm, and every taste is just a little bit too sweet, every light too bright, but I don't have the motivation or willpower to look away. I'm just a gray canvas absorbing the color from my environment, but not exhibiting any change to my appearance. It's like I've retreated so far inside myself that I can't find my way to the surface, or maybe I know the way, but I don't want to go there... or maybe I want to, but I am afraid to... or maybe I shouldn't be afraid, but I can't bear the thought of experiencing the world around me. Nothing is bad or good to me, or maybe everything is both bad and good. For brief moments throughout the day, usually while I'm driving, it strikes me that all the stuff I can't handle thinking about has been meaningful, important even, and the thought of it overwhelms me; as if all the warmth and sensation I ignored until that moment was stored back to be suddenly felt for just a few minutes. But I don't have time to entertain that kind of comfort; the dry redness left behind by tears will only embarrass me when I arrive at my destination.

Those moments are like Jesus speaking to me, a voice in the darkness; letting me know that he planned it for His glory, which is the greater good, and to teach me about Him and His relationship with us. Everything that happens is for the good of those who love God. It's all meaningful and purposeful. It's all making me a better person. I will recover.

I can't think clearly enough to imagine recovery. I don't want to do anything. Things that used to motivate me are now causes for uneasiness; I don't want to act, because I can't know what action is right or wrong. It's all right. It's all wrong. It's all important. It's meaningless. It comes and it goes without warning. It's either love or hate, maybe both, but not long enough for me to depend on either.

God again informs me that He gives wisdom freely and generously to everyone who asks; that His Word is sufficient for equipping the man of God to do every good work.

How do I presume to hear God's voice or know His thoughts? His voice is as plain as black text on a white page. It's written there over and over. Who planned all history? Why does God act? What is the right thing to do? It's all there; written in so many words. Many are the plans in a man's heart, but the Lord directs his steps. Unless the Lord builds the house, its workers labor in vain.

I wrote the above blog yesterday before I came home.

Yesterday I drank some hot apple cider (the instant kind, from a package near the coffee machine) at work and it helped a little, which is why I wrote this. I felt a little bit enlivened by it, (or relaxed; maybe those two are the same thing at this point), but it was the car in front of me that snapped me forward into the world, and I haven't totally fallen back yet. I don't necessarily want to go back, but that cool, bland, pillowy place seems to call me deeper. Is it comfort or just rest that I expect to find there? Probably not both.

I managed to be pretty productive at work today, or at least it felt that way. I listened to some new music for the first time in a while, and that seemed to help. I'm listening to this right now:

I wonder what kind of person I will be tomorrow.

"it's too soon to tell"

A few weeks ago I started to realize that I have been unable to focus. I mentioned it to my coworkers, and they said "you're burnt out". They know about what's happened with my house and everything.

This week, I think I'm approaching 100% burnt out. I really can't focus on anything at all. I think I need a vacation. Every day I work, then I go home and work until I go to bed.

Christmas has the remainder of my vacation days this year. I'll be spending Christmas with family. It will be great, but will I be able to recharge?

What do I need? How can I help this?

I don't know. I think if I just push a little more; just another month or so, to the point where all our junk is in our house, then I will begin to be able to find some spare time. A lot of my daily after-work effort goes to unpacking our storage unit. Fill up the car, empty the car, find a place in our house for the stuff I just got.

Right now, the baby's bed time is 10pm, which is crazy, because there's a list of stuff we have to do each night after he goes to bed (such as cleaning bottles and preparing ourselves for bed). I want to roll that back to 9pm. I don't know what's better: immediately pushing it back to 9pm, or waiting until we stabilize and then slowly walking it back. Probably the latter.

"We speak with Heaven's accent, the angelic dialect"

Packing my bag for the trip this weekend to get Chowon.

Looks like we may not get much help with the last stage in this ordeal... but when mankind is deceitful and stingy, everyone suffers.

Lies and greed.

So, the online world is getting more and more cool all the time... It's too bad it's online.

We had some Chinese workers at our factory today. We ate lunch with them, and they took pictures everywhere we went. They even took pictures of the sky -- like, it's just going to be a blue photo, because we don't have clouds here that often, and there were none today.

In my highlighting project, I'm going to do the 10 commandments tomorrow. I'm kinda nervous and excited about it! I'm finally getting into the law, and this is such a special and important chapter. What a treasure! What a privilege, to be given liberty to mark up the very words of God, so precious in the eyes of all of God's great nation. God, who speaks and the universe transitions from nothingness to chaos, and from chaos to order, and from order to conscious awareness. God who encapsulates all of life's mysteries, all wisdom, all love, all goodness, in just a few words. God who strikes terror into the heart of all Hell itself by simply quoting his own words, "Worship the Lord your God, and serve him only." Those words, God wrote on a page, and invited us to study them, know him through them, and utilize all the power that comes with being a representative of God by sharing them with one another. God, mighty. God, just. God, merciful.

I've read the histories. I know that God's people have suffered much worse on earth than I will ever suffer. I'm stressed, but I know that God will provide. Even if I do suffer, I know that God is able to make it bearable; to give peace in our hearts; and to protect us from compromising our integrity.

Take James, for example, the brother of Jesus. He was known by the Jews as "James the Just" because of the time he spent on his knees in the temple, praying for God to have mercy on Jerusalem before the foretold and imminent Day of the Lord (though we know how hard the punishment on Jerusalem ended up being -- the recorded histories of it are extremely graphic), and some ancient records have him nicknamed "leather-knees" due to the callouses on his knees from all that time keeling to pray. All this he did while Christians in his own town were being killed on a regular basis just for being Christian. In spite of his excellent reputation and his well-known hopes for the betterment of Israel, and the harmlessness of his behaviors, when the Jews were satisfied with their certainty that James would not forsake worshiping and serving his half-brother Jesus, he was dragged out of the temple and beaten for it. Seeing that he would not give up his faith even when beaten, he was brought to the top of the temple and thrown off, and then seeing that he survived in a state of physical brokenness, he was beaten again until he died. No amount of righteousness on earth will shield a Christian man from earthly suffering. But this we know about James: he did not give up his conscience. He died with integrity, and he lives in Heaven with our God in eternal, blissful fellowship with his Redeemer.

Whatever happens, I know that God will enable me to complete the race, and I pray all the time that God would provide and enable me to provide, and that things would not be difficult for my family.

"Speak to us yourself and we will listen. But do not have God speak to us or we will die."

Blogging on my phone tonight... I'm too tired to stay awake,  and too awake to go to sleep.  I'm sure that tomorrow will be another very tired day,  and I am not sure there's anything I can do to help myself.

Right now I'm experiencing a mood that I've experienced a few distinct times in my life,  and it's distressing.

I feel like I'm in love with every person who has ever lived,  and I am totally helpless to rescue them all.... because I need to be rescued,  too. I mean,  really.  It's a crazy feeling. It's like a revolving door of panic and longing, and I can't seem to step out. I can't stop thinking about,  and sympathizing with,  the real suffering I've seen or learned about.

When,  oh God,  will you finish your work? How long will humans harm other humans? How long will there be homelessness and poverty? How long will we subject ourselves to human governors: equals ruling over equals with capricious imposition!

Yesterday slavery was ok,  today its wrong. Yesterday murder was wrong,  today it's a "choice" and therefore(?) a right.  Today a man may govern his business according to his conscience,  tomorrow he may not.  If a man thinks he's two men, or an animal, then  it's a sickness, because he rejects empirical reality.  If he thinks he's a woman,  though,  then nobody better say anything to disagree with him. We all have to play along, because we wouldn't want to hurt his feelings. Yesterday,  colonialism.  Tomorrow,  gentrification. Is the space of two or three generations really that long of a time?

Four hours north,  brothels are legal. Eight hours south,  human trafficking is a significant problem. Everywhere else in America,  prostitution is illegal... unless it's on the internet,  or in a strip club. What about the feelings of those exploited women, now lobbying for their right to kill their children. Why do people even on TV act ashamed if they're chaste? It's as if we think a woman who guards herself with modesty is devaluing her body by not showing it to every interested man.  As if making something easy to access causes it to be more valuable somehow. As if it's shameful for a woman to want a guy to work hard to earn the right to access her body,  and to commit himself to her first. Isn't the life long commitment, which proves to everyone that his love for her is nor contingent on her fleeting beauty, so much more precious than relatively cheap dating relationships?

And the wealth gap! Don't get me wrong,  I'm not in favor of hiring thugs to steal from the rich and give to the poor (I mean,  the IRS). The problem isn't taxes, and it isn't capitalism, and history demonstrates that raising the minimum wage won't solve the problem -- the problem is greed. I can't change anyone's heart, and two wrongs don't make a right.  I see the homeless people on the street,  and I know how easy it is to lose everything. And worse yet in my mind is when I see women panhandling -- every man who drives by, including me,  should feel ashamed that a woman lives in our midst without providence! Men,  be men! Only, what can I do? I know the danger lurking in my heart. I can't have her in my house for an extended time, because I'm a married man.  No,  the Bible gives the answer: churches should be banding together to help these women. I'm ashamed that I am not leading that march.

I could go on endlessly,  and that's just outside my door! Go a little further, see the exploitation of young men and women in Asia. See the violence left behind by atrocities in Africa. See the hatred in the middle east. See the senseless poverty in North Korea and China. See the empty churches in Europe.

See me, worried about paint, not doing anything with eternal value, self pitying, and worse for mentioning it about myself.

I must do something. I must take action.

I'm going to stop by the local food bank tomorrow. A few people in my church have expressed an interest in volunteering. I'll take the first step.

"But dead people do weep."

Listening to this song right now:

Thinking about causality and reading about Hume recently has got me thinking a bit differently about the mind/body distinction. I think it's worth noting that Hume was a genius, and he knew it, and he seems to have made a point of writing about how well he knew it. I think pride inhibits a person's ability to introspect.

In any case, what I'm about to say about mind/body is not what Hume advocated. Hume just got me thinking along these lines.

I'm thinking that thoughts are an experiential phenomena.Thoughts are only noticeable as thoughts because they are changing. If I was observing the conscious mind of another being, I wouldn't be able to tell whether or not that being was thinking unless those thoughts changed with time. Likewise, I can't tell if I'm thinking or not, except by virtue of the constant changes in my thoughts. So self-awareness is arguably an experiential phenomena; empirical.

I don't know the implications of that kind of thinking; I need to consider it more.

"I see my whole life just pass by. When did I die?"

My car has pretty good speakers in it for bass. I listened to this song in it, and it sent shivers down my spine when the beat dropped the first time:

Also, that dude's facepaint is kinda awesome.

I fell asleep last night thinking about relativity. The concept frustrates me, because I find the thought of a disorderly universe offensive, and yet online people are always explaining it in ways that make it more confusing -- "it's simultaneously true that the light is on and off", and, "time slows down when you speed up".

Now, disclaimer, I might be about to make a fool of myself by talking about my rationalizations for things I don't understand....... I think that the way that humans rationalize their environments is fascinating on its own.

As I lay in bed, certain things I've heard suddenly seemed to make sense to me, considering that causality moves at about the constant speed (conventionally?) associated with the speed of light, that time would seem to slow for a person who approaches the speed of causality. It's just like how sound has to keep up with you when you move, and then fails when you reach the speed of sound, causality has to keep up with you and fails when you reach the speed of light. So the causal relationships between all of our constituent particles in space is what "propels us forward in time" (so to speak), and they simply become unable to affect one another if we are moving faster than their relationships permit. So then, time doesn't exist on its own, but is rather simply the experience of change.

It's not that the light is simultaneously on and off, then, but rather it is that one party subjectively experienced a longer time (less change) before they observed the light changing state.... right? What am I not getting here? It frustrates me the way that pop media gives partial explanations in order to make science more interesting, by making it more mysterious, and making it impossible for their readers to accurately represent what they've presented. I've seen it over and over in my own field of study; I wonder if relativity is only inaccessible because it hasn't been explained to me well.

Also, I don't understand why we're saying light (of all things) has to move at the speed of causality, unless the speed of causality also changes with temperature, field, and medium, in which case, I am of the opinion that we should be more clear when we teach our young students about time and motion. Rather than explaining things in terms that are technically wrong, but easy to grasp, we should rather explain things in terms that are technically right, but take special effort to deliver them in small and easy-to-grasp bites.

If we're really convinced of this, then we should be straight-forward with people and tell them that time doesn't exist but is rather conventional, and physicists should teach us to treat the time associated with each object as a series of independent causalities rather than some axis upon which the whole universe is progressing at uniform pace. If causality is a spatially limited phenomena, rippling across some experiential medium, then I wish we would explain it better so that people would stop making science fiction about time travel, and rather sink their imaginations into producing fiction which is more bound-up in the actual limitations on time and space.

But then again, I suppose I don't really know what I'm talking about.

"It's vinegar."

I have some work to do for my company tonight, but it's not time sensitive, and today was busy and hard, so right now it's time for me to blog.

I've gotten my epistemological argument into the hands of a person who appears to be much more well read than I am on the topic which I'm arguing, and he says he'll help me to strengthen and fortify my argument, to improve the presentation of it, and to correct some errors I've made. Very much looking forward to his input.

I was listening to Igorrr today, and it got me feeling really angry and angsty and maybe a little depressed... but it also got me energized, so I finished a hard day well lol. Igorrr is one of my favorite bands. It made me realize that I usually post chill music on my blog, but many of my favorite bands aren't all that chill. So, today I wanted to go ahead and make a list of my (current) favorite bands, and put up some of my favorite videos from their music. The list is just what was on the top of my head -- I might come back and amend this blog if I think of other artists later.

I'm going to try to put these down in order, from most to least favorite band, and I'll put up a song that I like from each band. You should know, as you listen to some of these, that some bands I like for the mood, some for the tune, some for the lyrics, and some for the technicality and genius that they bring to their art (I mean, they don't each have all of those qualities). Here's the list:

1. Rivers and Robots. Starting with the best. I think this is my all time favorite band.

2. I.V. Connerly. His lyrics are really really good, and I can't argue with his flow either.

3. Flying Lotus. Some of their stuff is just garbage, but some of it is really really amazing. I guess it's all a matter of opinion, right? Maybe that's the way they want it.

4. The Chariot. These guys get me pumped every time.

5. Band of Horses. Didn't like them the first time I heard them, but then I couldn't get them out of my head. Now I keep them around.

6. Chopin. Is that old dog tray?

7. Chon. These guys do a great job with the essentials -- Carbon, Hydrogen, Oxygen, Nitrogen.

8. Jars of Clay. Their self-titled album was really good. Where is more music like that?

9. Igorrr. Sometimes I get in the mood for this kind of stuff. Also, I think they might be geniuses.

10. Logic. He's really good, and I'm sold on the mission. (btw: this one is explicit)

11 (or some other prime number). Dillinger Escape Plan. I almost joined a mosh pit at a concert for these guys, but it wasn't what I expected. There were a few dudes in there just waving their arms around, but not hitting each other. If they were really hitting each other, I might have joined (that was my excuse anyway, and I stick with it to this day), but as it was I would have just been walking into a spinning fan (the puns though). I don't have enough angst to just wave my arms around like that if I'm not in a fight.

12. Renard Queenston (& friends?)..... guilty.

13. Covet. Yvette Young is really good at her instrument. Also she has a pretty good band behind her.

I'm sure I'll think of others later, and maybe rearrange some of these. I almost wish I didn't say I was gonna put them in order, because some of these numbers I'm really not sure about. I only really did that so that I could put Rivers&Robots on top -- I like them THAT much.

Alright. I think that's enough to chew on.

"In terms of the time it takes to comprehend and master a subject, it can be said of many books that they would have been much shorter if they hadn't been so short."

Today was very busy. When I got home, I just ate dinner and cleaned up the guest bathroom toilet (still nasty from before the work on the house was done. So nasty). I think I did a pretty good job. Nobody's gonna know how nasty it was except the rebuilders who had to handle it (sheesh).

Today I had this machine I was supposed to run some tests on. It's a big machine -- we've been planning the tests for like a month. I spent the whole day trying to figure out an unexpected problem with an ancillary sensor on the machine, because that stupid sensor kept causing the whole thing to reset. Every time it reset, I had to wait 30 minutes for things to spin back up, and it reset over and over again. I tried testing between resets, but it was messing up my results, so I spent all day trying to fix it. Finally I got around it and I was able to run one single iteration of the test before my time ran out. The numbers came in really smoothly, so I have very good reason to believe that the results of that last test were reliable, but they aren't the results I was hoping for. If I had more time I might have been able to compensate for the results and figure out a solid solution to the problem which necessitated this test in the first place. All I could write on my report was "more testing needed" and a couple speculative solutions.

On the way home, I stopped at Walmart and picked up some ramen, but now I wish I also picked up hot sauce, because it was pretty bland. Salty and bland. I mixed in eggs and tuna to make it better, but I'm like 90% certain that I ate a big chunk of my paper bowl. Lucky me, I double-bowled it.

Then I ate too much nutella.

God is good to me, though. There's a good storm happening outside. And, during my lunch break, I was able to cobble together this outline of my epistemological argument. I haven't really developed the content much since my last exposition on blogger, but I've cleaned up the delivery quite a bit, and I've tried to be more careful about some of the wording. Here's the link.

...man, I want to spend time with my son.

I hope Isaac grows up with an appreciation for history, philosophy, art, rigorous thought, and the power of carefully articulated ideas. I hope he someday looks at paintings and asks the person next to him, "what do you think the artist is trying to tell us?", and means that question with sincere curiosity. I hope he reads a poem that brings tears to his eyes, not because he relates to it in sadness necessarily, but simply because of the lucid depth of the prose. I hope he hears music that makes his young knees fail beneath him for beauty. I hope he reads a book that makes him rightly mourn for the deception infecting so much of the world. I hope he doesn't just hear and dissect Scipio's argument, but expounds upon it. I hope that his knees grow calloused by frequent prayer for justice. I hope his wife compels him to perpetual readiness to give himself up for her as Christ on the cross, if only by means of her unflinching loveliness in his eyes.

I hope that the light of his soul isn't crushed by bitter and disillusioned elementary and high school teachers, fenced-in by the standardized tests and curriculums, recapturing some semblance of unfulfilling joy by letting themselves get caught up in trendy buzz-facts, like all that garbage out there relating to the near-intelligent nature of artificial intelligence. Artificial intelligence doesn't exist yet, everybody. We aren't even close. We still have no idea how the brain works, really. Give it another 50-100 years and then maybe. I hope that his teachers are passionate about their subjects, and that they act on a rigorous commitment to justifiable truth. I hope he finds a well-paying job that he likes, succeeds by the grace of God in it, and gives that success right back to God in glory.

I hope I don't push him too much to be like myself. I know that if I let him explore his own God-given disposition, while carefully instructing him in good and moral religiosity, he may become a much better man than I. I can't wait to see who he will become!

"If everybody eats, it's a good night."

Today I spent the whole day working on my kitchen -- something I wish I could have done on Saturday, but I managed to get it done today. We have Chowon's tickets to come home in two weeks. I'm going out to get her, because last time she flew alone with the baby, she had a terrible experience, and she doesn't want to fly alone again. I think it makes sense for her to want that.

I'm having the plumber check on the way the MBR toilet flushes with less force than the guest bathroom. He said he'd come on Monday, and the diagnostics would be free; he said he'd only charge me if he had to auger. I only have a general idea of what that means, tbh. I suppose I'll research it before he comes over.

I was tidying up tonight after my work on the kitchen, and I noticed I have these Bible Highlighters sitting on the table. And don't get me wrong: they're not just "highlighters for my Bible"; they're "Bible Highlighters". I got them from Barnes and Noble when I bought this Bible that I'm highlighting these days. I spent some time that day looking around the store for other highlighters, but "Bible Highlighters" were the only kind they had. What's more, they had a label on them that said in big text, "Bible Highlighters".

Now, I hated that label. Why should a highlighter be for any specific purpose? Why couldn't they just be called "highlighters?" I mean, I don't have "letter paperclips" to keep separate from my "invoice paperclips". Every time I went out to study the Bible in public with these things, I was embarrassed, because they seem like a gimmick to me! (Now, I know they have some unique properties which make them suited to highlighting the typically thin and translucent pages of a Bible, but still).

So, today I peeled the label off the case for the highlighters. I could have just transplanted them to another case, I guess, but I quite like the case they're in.

As I was peeling off the label, I was thinking about why I was peeling it off; my justification for it. It's so obvious that it's a gimmick for Christians. I didn't want to seem like a dumb Christian who would buy any "cross" and "Jesus" labeled thing marketed to me. But then it got me thinking... is there anything I would be ok with buying that had a gimmick? Well, certainly I wouldn't mind having a piece of apparel that says "Christofascist" on it, but honestly I can't imagine an article of clothing that could have that on it which I would actually wear -- I almost exclusively dress business casual., and I don't like wearing hats. So, the clothing thing doesn't really count because I wouldn't wear it, and it isn't that gimmicky because clothing is a socially accepted media for statements of belief.

What would make me ok with wielding a gimmick? What if it were something I was proud of?

So, that got me thinking: what am I proud of? Would I be ok with "Engineering Highlighters"? No, I wouldn't. I actually get pretty uncomfortable around people who are too boastful about their titles or certificates. "Poet highlighters"? No way. What about "Doing Housework Highlighters"; I suppose I wouldn't mind so much, but it still feels just really dumb to limit highlighters to one thing like that, so I wouldn't buy them.

But then it hit me: "Married Man Highlighters", or "Married to Chowon Highlighters". I am so proud of being a husband, I would definitely buy those highlighters. Heck, I would buy them and then tape the case to my forehead so that I could wear the label around. I would exhibit any gimmicky or silly piece of marriage-related memorabilia with excessive enthusiasm. I love my wife; I am proud to love her; and I'm honored and dignified beyond my class to have been given the honor of such a marriage. Marriage is what I'm most proud of. I want my wife to feel the same way about me.

It was at the moment of that realization that I found myself pulling the last torn piece of that label off. Marriage is a gift from God, intended to teach us about his relationship to us and his love for us; intended to teach us about how he feels about us, and how he wants us to feel about him. I instantly regretted pulling the label off, but it was in tiny pieces and it couldn't be put back. I want to be just as proud of being a Christian as I am of being a husband. I have no reason not to be!

And then I noticed, having removed the label, that I had exposed the midsection of the highlighters themselves in the clear case. Each highlighter has written on it in bold lettering, "Bible Highlighter".

And so I've turned all the highlighters in their case, showing the gimmick not just in one place on the front of the box, but now in ten places. These are my Bible Highlighters, and I'll prop them up proudly in the coffee shop, because I'm a Christian, and I love my Lord and King.

I guess it sounds silly to be ashamed, now expressing myself in such a small way as if it were bold, but so often I see Christianity ridiculed in public space. I feel like I'm conditioned to be ashamed of it. Let's not be that way.

"This is my name forever."

Taking a dinner break. I listened to this song recently:

Just for fun, you know.

I'm in the middle of doing the kitchen cabinets. It's harder on my back than I expected -- I guess I'm getting old. 

...

I didn't want to type with pizza hands, so I didn't write anything; just ate. I've got these microwave pizzas I've been into lately. Pizza and Gatorade.

...

Ok, back to work.

"Who would say to his enemy, 'you have a bad flesh toward me', rather than 'you have a bad spirit toward me'?"

I'm in the house, and I'm overwhelmed. My to-do list is short, but I don't have a clear understanding of what will be acceptable. Can I just do what seems best to me?

I'm not sure.

Furthermore, I haven't taken a break this week, except while writing these blogs. I haven't taken a break, but I have very much sat inactive (frozen, without thought) at work for an unaccounted period of time.

Right now, my eyes are so dry as to feel as if they are on fire, but not for dehydration.

The plumbing seems to work fine, but the toilet in the master bathroom flushes less forcefully than the one in the guest bathroom by a significant margin. It's flushing, but it's also driving me crazy, because I don't know whether this apparent lack of force is because of the age of the toilet, the quality of the work, or the quantity of toilet paper I used last time I pooped. Was it like this before my last poop? Did I accidentally flush a wet wipe? Can one wet wipe cause this? If so, how long will it last there?  Maybe I'm just paranoid. At least I know it's not the drain as a whole, because the other toilet is draining fine, and I know they all share a pipe.

Five years ago, I wouldn't have noticed at all. It flushes. Who cares with what force? But no, it's neither the criminal nor the crime that makes me anxious; it's the judge.

The warranty company is giving me a really hard time. Every few days they ask me another random question about the break -- I think my plumber has answered "cause of loss" like 5 times asked by different claims representatives... I guess they reeeaaly don't want to help me with these repairs. This warranty company: zero stars for service... There is a clause in the warranty saying, "the coverage under this policy shall come after any and all other warranties in place." Well, we had another warranty which contributed a tiny amount to the bill (about 4% of the total cost); now this warranty company is saying that they won't contribute anything but the $70 deductible from my other warranty. Well, in spite of their apparently capricious interpretations of their own documents, the statement in their coverage description is a positive one: "The coverage under this policy shall come after...". It seems to me that if they didn't want to cover things after other warranties, then they should have written, "The coverage under this policy shall not come after..." (except that this is even less clear. They really should have said something like, "this policy excludes coverage to repairs which have been covered by any other warranties"). Anyway, "coming after" in this context can only mean either "being temporally later", or "filling in the gap not covered by the other policy", right? So, it makes sense to me that they should say about a 5$ claim, which was previously covered 3$, "we will only contribute 2$ of the 4$ that you would otherwise gotten from us if you weren't already covered". Only, I don't know how much power I have to argue the semantics of their coverage documents with them. This is the kind of stupid warranty/insurance language that stresses me out every day.

Honestly it makes me wonder if my skills in language have become very far removed from common English. I'm frequently arguing Biblical grammar with atheists. One recently told me that when Jesus commanded his disciples, "receive the Holy Spirit", it meant that they did indeed receive it at that moment; and he would not hear me making distinctions between declarative and imperative statements. (His argument was that the disciples are said to have received the Holy Spirit twice, because of John 20:19-23 and Acts 2:1-4, and he thought that was a contradiction. He also said that Jesus breathing on them means they received the Holy Spirit, and supported that by citing Genesis where God breathes life into people, not tolerating that the words "life" and "Holy Spirit" do not have the same literal meanings. I made the argument that John 20 doesn't actually say they received the Holy Spirit. In retrospect I think it would have been equally valid, and maybe more effective, to point out that people can receive and/or be filled with the Holy Spirit multiple times without violating any stated Biblical rules.) His argument was dumb, but Googling it reveals that he's not the only one making this argument.... or again, maybe I just don't have as firm a grasp on the English language as I like to imagine.

But anyway, I'm in the house. It's livable.

The kitchen cabinets are too gross for Chowon. I'm hoping to remedy that before Chowon moves in, but I don't know the best way to do it yet. Tomorrow I'm going to spend the day hunting for cabinet advice around town, and I hope I will begin to execute a plan in the evening. It's too bad we have so many salesmen and so few craftsmen. What a waste.

God, give me peace, and help me to finish all the work I need to do in a timely manner, and provide for all our daily needs.

"The republic cannot be governed without injustice."

Yesterday I moved into the house and cleaned half the flooring and the shower. Today is the day to clean the other half of the floor, and if I have time, to go to Home Depot and pick up some things I'll need for other fixes and cleaning. I'm writing this blog during my lunch hour.

Been struggling with grouchiness, and motivation to do anything, but I found myself really enjoying the house work. I have a lot of house-work to do, so it's God's blessing to me that I am able to enjoy myself while I do it, but I am certainly stressed out by it when I'm not immediately working on it. I'm worried that I won't have enough time to finish all the things that really need to be done before Chowon comes here. I want the house to be perfect for her.

While I worked, I listened to City of God for my second time through (not all of it, obviously, but I started and got to the end of Chapter 2). It was much easier to understand this time, because since last time I've exposed myself to a lot of other writings which similarly referenced Greek writing and mythology.

Listening to City of God again has really strengthened my conviction that Christianity didn't borrow from Greek ideas about the prime mover, which is an idea I've now heard espoused by more than three atheists with a penchant for theorizing about religions. In fact, I find the argument itself to be extremely silly. I think the most compelling point toward the idea that the Bible wasn't written by Aristotelian philosophers is this: Aristotle was born 50-100 years after Malachi died, and Plato and Socrates were born 200-400 years after Isaiah died. Given that Isaiah and Malachi reference the Pentateuch, the story of the first mover was decidedly well-established in middle-eastern Judaism prior to the birth of any of our favorite Greek Philosophers. (I also would not make the argument that Judaism influenced Greece).

But the theory has more subtle flaws. The difference between Greek and Christian ideas about God/goodness are really such that it's difficult to imagine how Christianity came to be as it is at all, if we are supposed to be interpreting it in light of Greek philosophy; the philosophies are fundamentally different. What's easy to imagine, though, is how a person casually educated in Greek XOR Christian philosophy might come to the conclusion that one originated from the other, since they both espouse nominal justice and righteousness, and Wikipedia's consensus of titular scholars seems motivated to prove that the Bible was written yesterday.

For the case of the prime mover, specifically, Christianity is decidedly not Aristotelian in its logical path, pre and post deciding the necessity of a prime mover. It uses an entirely different set of antecedents, and after having arrived at said necessity it utilizes the prime mover for an entirely different set of conclusions. One example: Aristotle is understood to have espoused an Aristotelian (empirical) approach to knowledge and epistemology, as opposed to Plato's forms; Christianity rather relocates (what might arguably be comparable with) the forms into the Character of God. Without drawing out all the details, if you dig into it, you will find that the features of reality are, in both systems, inevitably determined by the intrinsic characteristics which limit that primitive/ultimate expression of the prime mover, and Christian and Aristotelian views about reality are very different, so their prime movers had different features -- I think that's an ok short-hand explanation, but if you want details then I recommend you read the books.

That said, I won't argue against someone who says that Thomas Aquinas and many other relatively modern philosophers were heavily influenced by Aristotle's ideas, (I haven't read Aquinas yet), but saying that modern Christianity is influenced by Greek philosophy is very different from saying that the Bible is influenced by Greek philosophy. And in general, when I talk about Christianity, I intend to refer to the teachings of the Bible. (Do with that last statement what you will, but on another topic, I'm firmly convinced that the text in the Bible isn't all-that open to wildly differing subjective interpretations, if you take out all the verse numbers and simply sit down and read it like any other book).

Earlier someone told me that I needed to read more, but didn't recommend any books to me. It bothered me a lot, and when I challenged him on it he responded with a list of books that he himself had not read! So here since I've recommended that you read books, I want to indulge myself a bit by offering you some recommendations, with names of books and authors I actually have read, and which I think support my argument. If you read this blog and thought, "what shall I read?", then start with the Bible, I suppose. But then proceed with the classic Greek poems to get some background on what every other author will be talking about: the Odyssey, the Iliad, the Aeneid, etc..  Then read up on the excellent conversations of the polytheistic-and-yet-godless philosophers of Greece: the Republic, Metaphysics, etc.. And then go ahead and read Herodotus's Histories (I admit to being only partway through Herodotus), Josephus, Eusebius, Tertulian, Pliney, Augustine, and any other ancient author loved by Christians.. and while I'm listing books I like, now in no particular order, you should also read as much as you can stomach of John Foxe's Martyrs (I never finished it, and I'm not sure I can even recommend finishing it, but I'm glad that I started), Luther's Bondage of the Will, Clement to Corinth, Ignatius, Ambrose (why not), Rutherford's The Law and the King, and I'm also a big fan of Epictetus (Epictetus is not Christian). And then, after you're well-grounded in good argument, if you're in the mood to frustrate yourself with exposure to some really awful and emotional arguments, which you'll probably hear over and over again IRL, and which you'll recognize having read all the other books as being written by someone with actually very little knowledge of the religious system under criticism, Nietzsche's Antichrist is (IMO) a terminal exposition of atheist rhetoric. Oh, oh, and (again after the other books) if you're entertained by bad arguments, also check out Thomas Paine on Predestination and Calvinism -- it's not just bad, but humorously so, and at nearly every point; it's as if he's never read an analogy before (with incredulity: "Pots and pans have not the faculty of speech"!). I haven't read any of Thomas Paine's other writings, even though I would like to, because despite being humorous, his first impression on me was such that without some external motivation I can't bring myself to allocate time for him over other, more valuable texts.

Ahh man, listening to Augustine last night was really refreshing. God, thanks for Augustine.

Last thing: this week I've found a lot of comfort in expressing my complaints to God out loud, even without necessarily asking for any help. For example, "God, I don't want ___, but I feel like it's the best thing! I don't want to do/ask for it, but I think that I am supposed to." and sometimes just leaving it at that. It seems that in each case, soon afterward, the specific situation becomes more bearable. I think (and the Bible teaches in 1 Peter 5:7 and Philippians 4:6-7) God wants us to express our concerns to Him. That means, not just complaining or gossiping to one another, and not just talking to ourselves, but actually explaining our situation to God.

"The cure for pain is in the pain, so that's where you'll find me."

So, the rebuild work on the house is finally done. I still have some payments to make, and I still need to move back into the house, and I still need to contact a bunch of people about it.

I don't like my current residence, and I want to move back into the house, but I can't seem to shake this ominous feeling that "the house isn't ready for me yet". It's like, the fact that it's finally done -- finally livable -- it's not credible; too good to be true. After all we've been through, is it really so simple now?

Certainly not, I know, because of the financial situation which is still unfinished, but, I mean, do we really have a place to live now? Can I really move back into MY house???

I could have moved in today, but I didn't. Instead I spent the evening rummaging through our storage unit looking for the internet stuff. I didn't succeed in finding it, so I think my only option is to go ahead and move in without internet, and slowly unpack boxes until I find the internet stuff.

But I also need to clean. I wanted to do that before I really got serious about moving in, but recent events have left me little choice but to move in immediately... and now that I'm the only person who will be working on the house, it's almost difficult to accept the idea that I'm permitted to work on it now -- that if I clean the floors, my work won't be immediately ruined by the dirty boots of contractors -- that if I clean the bathrooms, my work won't be disrupted by malfunctioning drains. Can I really resume my own aspirations for that building?

Is it mine yet?

Only, it isn't really. There are too many outstanding variables, and too few known equations. This isn't a solvable linear system yet. Give it time, though. God is in charge, as always... and at least I can count on time to be linear. What ever would I do if some portion of my memory suddenly reduced to a higher order differential? I don't think I remember even one formula from that class!

I want to live in that house so bad, but I was unable to bring myself to move in today.

Btw, encountered this song recently. It got me thinking about how much negativity and despair can be in something so attractive:

Also, I've been thinking about the theonomic state lately, too. It seems to me that the laws for Israel depended heavily on a sure knowledge of the quantity and tribe of Israelites in the land, especially when it came to redistribution of land. The consequence of that for a modern theonomic state is: if we were to redistribute land (as is a necessary prerequisite for many of the OT laws to make sense), we would have to know how many Israelites there are... that is, how many of God's covenant Israel there are (Romans 9:8), and we know that we are unable to know exactly who some of those people are (1 John 2:19, 2 Peter 3:9, Rev 6:11, experience...). So, there would be no easy way to divide up the land in a modern theonomic state, which would in turn make the economy very difficult to structure given the OT system. The only way to do it would be to divide up the land in the whole world by each family, and then enforce that each family maintain ownership of their land, Christian or not, but that wouldn't precisely fit the OT model, and not to mention it would be impractical. The only recourse, then, for the existence of a modern theonomic state, would be to find that all of the laws which depended on the land-economy were ceremonial and thus fulfilled -- not a difficult task, honestly, but I feel like "impracticality" is not a valid reason to label some law "fulfilled". Thus, a solid set of rules need to be developed for distinguishing between "fulfilled" and "abiding" principles in the law, and if we find that an "abiding" principle in the OT civil/governmental law is impossible for us to meet, in spite of its being unfulfilled, and not because of our sin but simply because of our available means, then we conclude without a doubt that it is not possible to establish a theonomic state in the years of our Lord Jesus Christ, without His direct and tangible rule, as physical and vocally communicating king.

I'm not aware of any such set of rules for distinguishing, apart from a point-for-point comparison of Jesus's actions with the law. I think that I recall some discussion about a closely-related topic in Calvin's Institutes, so I'll investigate the matter further. What I now need to do is be very careful not to allow my own confirmation bias to cause me to interpret a law as fulfilled when in fact it may be indicative of the lawless state of the world (indeed, the potential impossibility of a theocratic/theonomic/christofascist state is a threat to my current worldview and motivation for study). I should rather take God's word as it is plainly communicated; it's just that it is a very complicated book! I wish God would draw me a diagram of the topics and principles in it or something... but then again, that would take away my own fun in drawing diagrams. Learning is part of the adventure.

ETA: On second though, it may be the case that it is not so impractical to divide up the land in a fair, Biblical, and consistent way -- if it is not done by individual families, but by "tribes" delineated after some Biblical model. In any case, the problem needs further investigation.

"Infinite beatitude of existence! It is; and there is none else beside It. It fills all space, and what it fills, It is... What it thinks, that It utters; and what It utters, that It hears; and It itself is Thinker, Utterer, Hearer, Thought, Word, Audition; it is the One, and yet the All in All. Ah, the happiness, ah the happiness of being!"

Today I was thinking about God's relationship with his church.

God loves us, and we hate him. He tries to do good for us, to teach us, and we reject it. We constantly push him away while demanding that he be closer to us. He tries to give us life, and we tell him it's not good enough; we would rather do things that are self-destructive, and that hurt our relationship with him. Our possessions are worth way more to us than our God; so much so that we get mad at God when our possessions come into check.

We hate God so much, if he came down and tried to spend time with us in person, we would kill him -- and we did.

Now I understand why God gives us such limited information about his plans. Why would he explain it all to us, when we have already started berating him for doing it in a way we don't like, before we even heard the first part! We don't like sanctification; we don't like trusting God to handle things; we would rather do it our own way. All day long we demand that God reveal his plans to us, because we're so worried about the future, and God's response was so gentle in scripture -- I am so ashamed of myself for not mirroring it -- "don't worry about tomorrow. Today has enough trouble of its own", and then he gave himself up for us.

Why can't I take my own advice? Why can't I just relax? Why won't I listen to God's advice, and just be compassionate, not concerning myself with the troubles that attack me in this world, but continuously pursuing good? Why can't I just calmly take each step, knowing that God is really God? Why can't I forgive? Why can't I focus on what's really important in life, and put that first? Why do I let the stress of the world prevent me from doing as I ought to do?

I know the answer, but I don't abide by it.

"It seems we weren't prepared...can we just go home?"

I was listening to some sad music today, and I guess it got me feeling dramatic... I wrote this, and I thought immediately afterward, "there's no way I can post it. People will get the wrong idea". But, the thought of not getting this out and away from me is actually really difficult for me to handle. Just remember,  it's prose, ok? It's not for anyone else that I write this blog; I write these posts just for me. Putting my thoughts in public like this means, to me, that my thoughts are not hidden, and so I can finally let them go. Just, nobody read this and then come asking me "Zac are you ok?", as that would drive me absolutely crazy.

"
God, thank you for the heartache.
Thank you for the pain.
Thank you for every lost moment.
Thank you for fear and hiding.
Thank you for the sudden panic, the worry.
Thank you for the terror that won't stop coming,
The thoughts I can't stop having.
Thank you for the headaches,
The tears that won't come no matter how much I want them,
The plans that can't be kept,
The loss and confusion,
The change I see in myself,
The change I hate,
The change I want,
The change I can't have.
Thank you for the hope, endless;
Always hoping, because we haven't yet received.
Thank you, God, for the trust I can't stop carrying.
Thank you for giving me no other choice.
Thank you for not letting me see any other possible vantage point.
Thank you for not letting me know the future, or even the present.
Thank you for covering me in this blanket,
And for the tears that won't stop coming,
The ache in our backs,
The constant discomfort,
The little things that keep me gasping for air in a world of bigger troubles.
Thank you for showing me over and over that there are much worse things that could happen,
And in showing me, increasing my sorrow, and my longing.
Thank you for reminding me that I am cared for,
And for making it confusing, who it is that cares on earth.
Thank you for showing me that you are the only one reliable.
Thank you for the constant spinning, the betrayal, the lost expectations.
Thank you for the sickness, the weakness, the injury, the curse.
Thank you, God, because what I want is for good to happen,
And I know that you have planned all this for your glory.
"

"Like one who takes away a garment on a cold day, or like vinegar poured on a wound, is one who sings songs to a heavy heart." (Prov 25:20)

Listening to this song right now:

I can relate lol.

My dad came to town for the weekend and left Monday. I decided to postpone any non-urgent work while he was here -- because what other time will I have to spend with my dad?

We spent time doing everything I like to do! We drank coffee, wandered around a book store, watched a sermon, and sat and talked about life. It was a real encouragement; but somehow, being so far from the discomfort of my day to day life made the first two days after he left very difficult. I had to adjust again to my current lodging. In any case, I'm really glad he came over.

I'm writing this on my wife's birthday. I'm sad I missed it. It seems like every year on her birthday, something happens (or doesn't happen), and so I don't get to do anything really cool for her. I'll just have to plan something special for when she returns.

I have a lot to do at work, and a lot to do at home. While my dad was here, he encouraged me to sit and process the actual decisions ahead of me. It's something I've been avoiding, I guess, because just like the electricity I spend all day talking with, I love the path of least resistance. Having thought about it, though, I think I now face a more frightening realization -- that attempting to work through this will definitely lead to more work, but choosing to relax and trust in God's providence will almost certainly make things easier. Relaxation isn't easy, because there's so much I still don't understand about the situation, and everyone around me keeps insisting (without saying so) that a financial loss is also a personal loss. I've let myself become emotionally invested in my money -- it's something I don't think I did when I was growing up; I don't know how I got to this place.

But how can I not care about the same things which are cared about by the people I care about? Caring about someone means you want them to be happy, and so I should also want the same for whatever they care about.

I need to learn how to love people without making them a part of myself. I'm too all-or-nothing, and it breaks me up when I get into a position where it's impossible to please the people I love. And then I don't know how to act. I can't make God my only source of joy, as pious as the platitude may seem, because deriving joy from my family is a legitimate part of loving them, and although loving them is a great joy for me in general, it is also obedience to God's command in Eph 5:25-37, (among many other passages of the sort). And, as much as God's love is the model for our love, we know that God creates calm by means of his love, and rejoices over us with singing and dancing (Zeph 3:17), so it is natural and good for us to do love for one another by taking pleasure in one another's joy. I enjoy seeing my family at peace... but what do I do when their peace comes to me at cost, and the price is their peace? Without describing all the details here, that's the way this situation feels. I can't win. These kinds of lose-lose situations seem to be the story of my adult life, and yet in spite of a few major downturns that I've experienced, I see my station improving in small ways every day. Reaching a high place takes a long time, but low places are reached in a matter of moments.

...

Just got off the phone with the warranty company again. I really don't know how to interpret what those guys are saying anymore, it's so convoluted, but it sounded a lot like he was saying they wouldn't cover me because I had another warranty cover me already. I explained loudly to him that the explanations he was giving me were not spelled out in any of the documentation I received from his company, and that the other warranty's coverage was insufficient by two orders of magnitude, and that there was still plenty of cost left for his warranty to cover. I read his own documents to him, and I got really angry with him on the phone, and it definitely showed in my voice, which made me feel bad, because the language he was using was so equivocal that I honestly can't tell if he was trying to help me or get out of paying his part. In the end, though, it seems like we got onto the same page.

I had to get some info, send an email, and then call them back to check that they received it. They said call again on Thursday.

"I know we're busy taking over the world right now, but let's try to stay humble about it."

Listening to Hazakim tonight. Some of their stuff is a little bit confusing, because their goal seems to be to share the gospel in a way that addresses modern Jewish arguments against Christianity (like, their song "don't forget the ayin" has me all kinds of confused). Kinda digging this track though:

I don't like the sampling in this next one, but man, the lyrics are really awesome. Also, I'm a big fan of Ken Ham.

Last one -- I like this next track a lot. I'm not a fan of the hook, but there's no perfect song.

Today I was a little bit anxious to be outside of the place where I'm staying. I took a walk down to the nearest Starbucks, and immediately on arrival, I regretted not bringing a book with me. It was a good 10-15 minute walk, one way.

The words "God is doing something cool, I just have to wait and see what it is" always feel like their on the tip of my tongue, making my lips itch. I've said it so many times to people who tell me "man your situation sucks so bad". But I realized as I was writing this -- I haven't said it to any of the atheists who told me that. When my coworkers told me, "man Zac, your situation is so bad, I can't believe you're staying sane", I just shrugged and said "well..." and let the conversation move past it. The topic made me uncomfortable. I'm like two different people, depending on who I'm around. I hate that about myself. God rescue me from this duality!

Everyone has a different opinion on how we should be handling it, but when my brother told me about it, he gave me so much to think about. He approaches these situations in a way that's so different from what anyone else tells me to do -- it's refreshing, but I have no idea how to respond. It makes me want to go spend more time in PA, so that I can learn that culture and be able to respond to it. He is likely right, though. So right that I don't want to say anything about it here. I have to wait until the right time to play my cards, I think.

"Who is this that obscures my plans with words without knowledge?"

Bowling was fun last night, but I was out too late and I was really tired all day today. I forgot that in my new place, I need to wake up especially early. I'll have to be more careful in the future.

Someone told me today, "you've been through a lot", and I inexplicably had to choke back tears. I haven't really experienced that as much as maybe I should since all this started happening. I don't think the person I spoke with noticed, but I had to go let it out in the car later.

I was thinking recently about how God owns the firstborn of Israel (Exodus 13:1-2, 11-16). God required that the Israelites redeem their firstborn children who were otherwise dedicated to the Lord. Interestingly, the Bible details the price to redeem all kinds of animals, but I am unable to find a place where it tells the price to redeem a firstborn person. Redemption of persons in general is priced out in Leviticus 27, but that is for a "special vow", which I think doesn't include the common dedication of every firstborn. Nonetheless we do see that the firstborn sons of Israel were, by law, consecrated to the Lord. That includes Jesus Himself in Luke 2:22-24 -- note that the sacrifice of the doves mentioned in that passage was for Mary's purification rather than for Jesus's consecration (see Leviticus 12).

So what is the consecration? Consecration is described in a whole bunch of places in the Bible, and it seems like each place describes a different ceremonial activity for that specific consecration. In some places it's washing someone, in other places it's sprinkling blood or oil on someone, and in other places it involves a sacrifice for the sins of the consecrated individual. It seems to me that consecration is simply the practice of making an otherwise impure thing holy in preparation for that thing to be in the presence of God.

But there's more! God didn't just want the firstborn sons of Israel consecrated to himself. God wanted all the firstborn sons of Israel to be his own. However, as we read in Numbers 3:11-13, God took the whole tribe of Levi for himself in place of the firstborn children of Israel. This selection was a blessing to the Levites, explicitly because of their behavior in Exodus 32:22-29, when they chose to be for the Lord even though all the rest of Israel was against God.

Another interesting thing about this -- the firstborn is not counted in terms of the first child born to some father, but "the first male offspring of every womb" (Exodus 13:15). That means that both, Isaac and Ishmael were firstborn sons, because they were both the first male offspring from their mother's womb. It also means that Joseph was a firstborn son of Jacob. Jacob's position may seem unusual, but remember that the birthright and blessing did originally belong to Esau, and Esau would have received it if he didn't sell his birthright to Jacob. So, the firstborn seems to have been, in a sense, dedicated to God even before the command was given to consecrate them. Likewise, after the ceremonies were removed, we still have a sort of dedication of the firstborn:  Jesus is called the firstborn among many brothers (Romans 8:29), and the early church was called the "firstfruits" of the gospel (James 1:18). That makes David the odd man out, being the youngest brother and yet the only one chosen.

What got me thinking about this was the story of Abraham being commanded to sacrifice Isaac. Isaac was a firstborn son, and God commanded that Abraham dedicate Isaac to God. Then, God provided a ram to redeem the son -- a substitution appropriate for consecration and/or redemption. The question on my mind, then, since Isaac was not asked to be sacrificed on account of some sin recorded in the Bible, is whether Isaac's ram was a regular substitutionary sacrifice in the way that we normally think of it -- a type of Christ's sacrifice on our behalf -- or whether that ram was actually a price for the redemption of a firstborn son otherwise dedicated to God.

I'm pretty tired, though, so I might be making some serious errors here, and I'm really not sure what the implications of that kind of speculation could be.... but I'm going to go ahead and post it, because  I'm confident it isn't heretical, and I intend to investigate the matter more later.

"Its people are like grasshoppers."

My hotel time ran out, so I packed up today and moved into my new temporary lodging. This place is very unconventional, but every ounce of effort I put into it makes it feel a pound more like it's my own. I'm enjoying setting it up..

Also, Gawvi got me again with another great character profile. Based only on the theme, without knowledge of who it was referencing, I was really sure I wouldn't like it. It took me until the start of the second chorus to figure out who he was talking about. I had to listen to the song twice after that. I love it.

Today was another kinda crazy day. More conversations with Warranty companies. More last-minute attention to my job. More bills, etc, etc.. But I felt a lot better about it than yesterday -- although I'm still pretty cloudy-headed. I'm definitely not at 100% yet, but God is carrying me.

I finally got a travel license. I wonder if they'll start requiring these for land-travel at the borders between states. What does a travel license signify? What is its purpose again? Is it just to protect the airplanes? How is it a more reliable form of identification than a regular ID?

Anyway I'm glad I did it, because they allowed me to update my voter registration. So I set my party preference to "Christian Nationalist". Doing it made me nervous, because there were people there about to read the paper I was handing them, and they would have to manually enter it into a computer. And then after I submitted it, I felt a little ashamed about being nervous before. I hope that expressing my beliefs in small ways like this will help me to be more comfortable in expressing my beliefs openly. Everyone is so weird about religion and politics. Why should I hide my worldview? Why does everyone have to act like an atheist in public? When we're at church we talk about every event in terms of God's will, so why should we be any different anywhere else?

In any case, I'm very excited about the change, because if the Christians with premillennial eschatology are right (although I don't personally agree with them), then I hope this puts me first in line at the Colosseum. If God gives me strength, I'll sing a loud hymn and then high-five Ignatius in heaven.

Missing Chowon and the baby a lot. It hurts to think about them sometimes. I'm so busy that I am tempted to let myself become totally swallowed up by my tasks, but I need to remember to be a part of the life of my family.

The church guys are putting up an effort to hold me accountable. They invited me to go bowling tonight. That's where I'm going to go right now.

"The three branches are three days."

Man, I'm glad I had a good day Sunday, because today was extremely difficult. It was all rushing around, phone calls, trying to stay productive at work, and here's a new feature to this chapter in my life: panic attacks. I had to wake up early to go look at the house before work and sign some papers. Then, on the way to work and during work I was having phone calls with warranty companies. The phone calls were crazy. At one point, I was on hold with a warranty company, and I got called by another warranty company. It was important, so I conferenced them, and I had my whole conversation with warranty company 2 shouting over the hold music from warranty company 1. All that while I'm rushing to the car, because I have important errands to run and it's all the sudden time for my lunch break. Then when I got back, I had emails about projects that I was supposed to start on a week ago, and I had to power through as much of those projects as I could while hammering away at this house situation.

But I actually got a lot done. I pushed three projects to the point where I am waiting on other people now. As far as work goes, I think it was a productive day in the end.

Also, I dropped off my wife's car in a safe place where it can wait out the house situation, and had to walk back to my hotel in the hottest part of the day, right after work. I could have gotten an uber, but we're saving money, and I had enough time, so I powered through it. Discomfort is sometimes cleansing, and although I ended the walk exhausted and thirsty, it helped me get past all the rushing from earlier in the day. And anyway, my current lodgings are comfortable and I got a free dinner at the hotel. My needs are accounted for.

Talking with warranty companies is extremely stressful. I don't know the terminology or the trades involved with all this, and everything I say is twisted up by them. It's like insurance isn't really about whether or not a thing is covered; it's about whether or not you can phrase your description of things in a way that gets the things covered. It's a semantic game; I can't imagine how it is any less harmful to people less privileged than myself. What a waste of resources, the energy we expend to hold up these unbalanced scales.

During the purchase of the house, I tried to do things shrewdly; explaining things only as they needed to be explained; carefully wording everything; carefully examining every detail. It was the one detail I neglected which turned out to be the most important. It will always be impossible to capture every detail, and so all that effort can be nothing but useless. Moreover, I don't like it. I don't know how to twist up words like the insurance companies do. I'm not practiced in that game. I've resolved that from now on, I want only to act on the simple and plain integrity of my heart, to depend on God's providence to protect me from things I don't know, and to be eagerly ignorant of everything anyone asks me if it relates to the working of another man's trade.

"I love you. I hate you. I need you. Go away."

Feeling much better today than yesterday. I still think I could use a bit more sleep, but I've been able to make solid plans and execute them thoughtfully today.

Also, I've been listening to this song repeatedly lately. Not a fan of the squeaky swing-set they sampled, but the lyrics are awesome, and the baseline actually sounds great in my car speakers. I especially appreciate how they aren't too obvious in their references, so it sounds like a bunch of random stuff put together unless you know the story they're referencing... but if you know what they're talking about then it all comes together. It's got maybe an overly simple hook, as far as music goes, but I think that's perfect for the theme.

Tomorrow is shaping up to be especially busy. I hope I'm able to handle it all. If possible, I want to knock out all of this week's known objectives in one day, so I can focus on catching unexpected stuff and followups for the rest of the week.

I don't have much time to blog tonight, so I want to talk about a conversation I had online with a Mormon recently, because he said something to me that made me laugh out loud while I was reading it. We were talking about whether or not a person could become a god. The conversation followed typical progression: I cited Isaiah chapters 40-50, where God says in like 20 different places, "I am the only God who exists, and there is no other god". He responded saying that "no other god" means "no other god for you". I explained how, semantically, the "for you" clause is important, and the sentence with or without it would have two very different meanings, and then I pointed out that the verses do not have that clause. Here's the thesis from his next response:

"Why kick against the pricks. Do you envy our enternal progression?  Is pride keeping you from the Church. Is pride keeping you from kneeling and asking that one true God if you can become like him?"[sic - pasted]

I've never been so amused and offended at the same time. I explained to him how the Bible gives us knowledge of God and then warns us not to accept "gods you have not known". Then I explained to him that his god is one I don't know, because his god hasn't existed for all eternity, but ascended from being a man to being a god. His god only has power over this planet, and is by no means unique. His god is incapable of generating universes ex nihilo. His god depends on actual procreation with spirit wives to generate children. His god doesn't come down and tabernacle among us and die on our behalf, but rather just lets one of us die on behalf of the rest. My God is actually eternal, having literally all power, having created literally everything and everyone by the word of his mouth, met with us on our level so that we could know him, and gave his own life for me and then brought himself back to life.

I also explained why I'm not jealous for his eternal progression. It's because (as illustrated above) my God is bigger and more powerful than his. My God is not the God of people who seek to do good only for their own gain/ascension; my God is the God of people who seek to do good because they love God and neighbor.

Ahhh... My God is the best.

"Who is this uncircumcised Philistine that he should defy the armies of the living God"

I tried to take some time today to process and prepare myself mentally for the time I've just begun to spend alone.

I feel bound up. It's like all the stuff I want and all the stuff I don't want are the same things. I spent the better part of the day frozen; my head feels like it's full of hot pudding. I got a half-hour of sleep here, a half-hour there. I hoped to catch-up today, but I definitely am not caught up on sleep yet. I guess I will need a couple of days before I feel totally prepared to do the work that needs to be done. In the meantime, I'm stuck doing that work in spite of myself.

I managed to get just a few things done today, but doing anything at all right now feels like I'm trying to knit while wearing boxing gloves. I just can't seem to acknowledge any details about what I'm doing; I only seem able to push the result and nothing else.

I think that after I've had some sleep, and spent some time recovering mentally from the emotional whirlwind that was the past two weeks, I guess I'll be able to accomplish anything. I just need a break. Just a few hours to clear my thoughts without being attacked.

I'm hoping that writing this post will help me to progress through this weird mental funk I seem to have stepped into.

Chowon has been trying to pull strings to get me a more comfortable long-term place to stay. I might have to concede to one of these places... but I don't want to, and I can't seem to articulate the reason in a way that satisfies me. I don't want to stay in a house with a married couple. I don't want to sleep on somebody's couch (I'd be more receptive to their floor). I want to be alone.

I feel extremely narrow; I can't seem to step outside of myself. I have some kind of mental tunnel-vision. For example, I've spent several years building a habit to force myself to imagine that the lives of all people around me are just as complex as mine, and normally these days I can do it without much conscious effort, but right now everything around me is a cardboard cutout, and every person lacks identity -- even the people I theoretically know. How can I go to church like this?

My plan for this evening was to pay bills, fold laundry, and watch a show (I'm still working through DS9). I paid the bills, but the numbers were confusing, and I had to add another action item to my list to call them during business hours and ask them to explain it. Speaking of which, I also need to call the people working on my house and get their explanations. I can't bring myself to start my show -- it just doesn't fit my mood, I guess. I can't think of anything that does fit my mood.... except maybe a glass of milk.

I think I'm going to buy a pocket notebook to keep my thoughts and to-do list in, just like when I was in school. TBH Idk why I stopped doing that. Unfortunately, I don't have my own space, so I can't post notes all around me like I did when I was single. For example, I didn't zip up my pants today, and I'm pretty sure I was wearing my shirt backwards -- I used to have a note for that kind of thing on the wall above my computer. Chowon didn't like the notes, but seems to enjoy reminding me of everything herself. I wouldn't mind it if she didn't use it against me when it was convenient for her. Maybe this is a good opportunity to discard that crutch in favor of a better or more self-sufficient habit.

I miss Chowon and the baby, but I'm glad I have this space to regroup.

Now that I'm thinking about it, I'm really in the mood for a glass of milk. I'm going to go buy milk and a cheap pocket notebook, and then fold laundry and watch my show.

"It seems like you found a better way."

I let myself give-in to some nostalgia this morning, watching this video:

It's time to talk a little about the situation we're in. We closed on a nice looking house. The plumbing failed, and the foundation has to be dug up to fix it. It's expensive and it's taking a lot of time. I don't want to get into the details here. This post is just to talk about how we're surviving in the meantime.

We told our pastor that we needed a place to stay for a week, and we lived there for more than a month. Our insurance got us a hotel for two weeks; it's not going to last the full duration of the repairs. I had to fight to get it to last until Chowon flies out of town. I'm sending Chowon and the baby to live with my family while I ride out the house situation. It looks like it might be another month, or maybe more before we have our own place again. I don't want to live in a house with a married couple if I can help it (i.e. my pastor's family) -- I wouldn't want to accidentally find myself alone in the house with somebody else's wife. I trust them and everything, but it's just not gentlemanly. So I asked a friend if I could move in with him, and he said no, because I need a room indefinitely for free, and he said it's not a smart idea for him. That leaves me with just a few options, and they're all fantastic adventures.

The stress has been bad for everyone. I think that Chowon and I have kept our relationship on good terms somehow, but I know that bitterness is looking for a foothold there. We both regularly make mistakes, and the stress has amplified our negativity. She doesn't handle unexpected events as well as I do. She's spent a considerable amount of energy rationalizing about who is to blame for our trouble; I haven't, so I worry that if she turns the blame cannon towards me then I won't have a good response, and I won't have the time I need to untangle things and actually demonstrate how both of us, or someone else, or everyone at once, or at least not just me, equally shares blame. Maybe we can pin all the blame on just one person, but what is there to gain from that kind of thinking? All that just increases everyone's stress without contributing to a solution. I don't like lawsuits; I don't like the law; I don't like insurance; I don't like money; I don't like blame.  Why can't everything be simple? Why don't people act with kindness and integrity?

I think that as long as we stay committed to God, and remember that our relationship can survive in spite of the stress and arguments, things will be ok. I still have my job. We can recover financially. Reconciliation is sometimes a draining process, and I don't know how prepared I am to pursue it in the short term if things get sour; we may need to have some long conversations when all this is over.

I'm sincerely excited for Chowon and the baby's trip to visit my family. It will be a good change of scenery for her; there are plenty of babysitters, my family loves her, and this will hopefully open up some other options for me to find places to stay while I ride out the process. The hard thing on my mind right now is what to do with the house long-term, how long to allow myself to be separated from Chowon, and what to do if I decide it's been too long but the house situation isn't completed yet.

I still have my job, but I don't feel like a provider. Chowon is safe, but I don't feel like a protector. Chowon is going away, so I don't think I'll be functioning as comforter. It's apparent that I didn't lead my family in a beneficial direction. In a sense, I feel like all my functions as husband are removed from me.  All my money: gone. All my work: an expensive lesson. Sometimes I feel my mind going to a troubling place where I'm not intrinsically dissociated from all of my hopes, desires, possessions and faculties. I take a deep breath, preparing to let my emotions out on exhale, but nothing comes out; only hot dry breath. I don't have time to let myself feel it. I'll process all of this when I have peace, if peace ever comes to me while I am in this body.

What is my identity apart from the roles that God has placed me in? How do I describe "who I am" without describing what I have and do? The sound of a name isn't enough to describe what a person is; I'm something other than a sound, but I seem to have forgotten what.

A recurring theme in our conversations during this process has been the story of Jonah.

Jonah and Paul both had shipwrecks (Jonah's ship wasn't wrecked, I guess; he was just thrown overboard during a storm). Jonah's storm came while he was fleeing from God's will. Paul's storm came while he was pursuing God's will. God planned and executed things out so that both of them did their work for God's glory. After the fact, Jonah said "I'm so angry I wish I were dead.", and Paul said, "I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.".

God sends rain on both, the righteous and the unrighteous. Whether we live or die, we belong to God.

When Jonah was wallowing in his anger, God sent a leafy plant to give him shade, and Jonah was comforted. Then, the very next day, God sent a worm to destroy the plant, and Jonah was miserable again. Wealth and worldly possessions - physical comforts - can be given and taken away in an instant. Our comfort, our joy, and our contentment can't come from our physical circumstances.

What was the secret of your contentment, Paul?

"I can do all this through him who gives me strength."

I've been sitting on this blog for a few weeks. I guess it's fine to post it now. I didn't want to upset the murky waters of unethical business practices that I've been wading through for the past few months. I just want to establish myself in my new house and let the dust settle around me. I'm in it now, so things written below in the present tense were actually written some time ago. In short, our realtor and the seller's realtor collaborated to put us into a position where we had to use a certain lender, and that lender frequently made "mistakes" on our loan estimates, in favor of the lender and realtors. If it weren't for Chowon's tedious attention to detail, we'd be suckers. If I didn't have so many other issues to attend to, I might consider getting a consultation with a lawyer. The rest of the rant is about various superfluous and wasteful details of the buying process.

We're buying a house, and I'm convinced that the real-estate system is broken. To advertise that you wish to sell a house, you put it on MLS. In order to buy a house on MLS, you have to engage with a realtor. Realtors have to pay for certification, "qualifying" them to look at MLS, and when you use them you have to pay them a percentage of the purchase price of your house. The law and MLS seem to have been established by realtors for the sole purpose of perpetuating the realtor profession, by limiting the options of sellers and buyers.

Also, I feel like I'm in a war of attrition with my loan officer (not telling who, but they surely weren't very fair in their way of handling things). My agent, without my consent, had a loan officer from a local lender contact the seller's agent and promise to close the deal quickly if we went with him. So the seller wrote that lender's name into a counter offer. Now, I'm stuck with this lender who never returns my calls, in spite of the grand claims to great customer service that he initially gave us when he was trying to woo us away from Wells Fargo. (We had a nice, responsive, clear-communicating, wonderful loan officer at Wells Fargo). He says he'll match Wells Fargo's interest rate, but when we get the estimate he does it by making us pay for points. Well, the closing cost still isn't that bad, so we're willing to eat the points, but the APR is way higher than Wells Fargo's for lower cost to close. We run the numbers, and the APR we calculate using his figures is way lower than what's on the quote -- what does that mean? Hidden/undisclosed fees! So we tell him we want him to match APR. He says "ok", and then sends us back a loan estimate which has no changes except that it doesn't list the APR, and has no points, but the cost of the points was moved into the "documentation fee". What kind of game is he playing? I don't get it! It's driving me crazy. I can't wait for this process to be over.

The U.S. real estate system is a racket. I hate it. Real estate agents are a non-necessary component in society; they're professional middle-men. They are not motivated for the best interest of either seller or buyer, but simply to make the deal happen so that they can get paid. To that end, they limit communication between buyer and seller by imposing themselves as the only legal channel for communication, they pressure both buyer and seller to limit due diligence and utilize unscrupulous local-lenders. Their added-value is outweighed by their uncheckable pursuit of self-interest. It's so bad, we recently yelled at our agent for telling us (for like the 100th time) that we had to try to submit our BINSR before the last day of our due diligence period in order to make the seller more comfortable, after he went on vacation for 5 days of our due diligence and there was nobody to let us into the house during that time, and every time he did let us into the house he complained about the distance he had to travel to help us. "I live like an hour away from here, guys." The only responsible thing to do is keep working at due diligence for the full ten days! What kind of seller would be uncomfortable with that? It's in black and white on the contract! In truth, the reason we went with this agent was because he lead into the deal with some talk about his experiences at church -- we thought, "he's Christian, he'll act with integrity". Christians, we've got to act in a way that matches Christ's teachings.

And what's the point of Escrow anyway? We have to pay them to let us put our money into an account, so that they can move our money into another account on our behalf. They're professional middle-men; it's a waste, a hindrance, a burden on society. Not only that, but we also have to buy insurance from them, to protect us in case they make a mistake on our title -- a mistake which may very well be in their own favor! We're paying the fox to protect the chickens.

Last gripe in this rant: we're about to start paying property taxes. If we don't pay them, the government takes our land. You know what that means? It means we don't own the land. We're just leasing it from the government. That being the case, why does purchase of land have to be put in public record? That practice is an artifact from a time when land ownership mattered, because a land owner had an immovable vested interest in the country's well-being. Nowadays, land-ownership is a financial tool and nothing more. Property taxes are theft; it's unconstitutional, not to mention un-Biblical.

Here's the system I propose: Evenly redistribute ownership of land permanently to every citizen, and allow those citizens to rent the land out to others (including businesses) at will, for contract periods not exceeding 7 years before renewal, but do not allow any permanent transfer of land-ownership. Permanent sale of land should only be allowed to freely happen inside fixed-sized ("walled") cities, which land was excluded from the redistribution. The ability to permanently sell land inside walled cities guarantees their commercial value, and so the cities can theoretically be placed anywhere at all, regardless of natural-resource availability. Land outside of a walled city is only transferable from that land's permanent owner to his or her spouse, children, or next-of-kin (in that order) by a Last Will and Testament (at time of his/her death). Let's implement that system, and all the other Biblical laws along with it.

"Over production, waiting time, transportation, motion, over processing, inventory, and defects."