Going to bed a little later than I wanted tonight. Done with homework for tomorrow. I just have to really get down and do that digital project tomorrow.

I think I lent my circuits book to a friend over the summer. I guess I didn't expect to need it. Anyway, I found the same book online for 1$(+5 for shipping) and ordered it, but the site didn't have very good reviews, so I'm hopeful.

Digital is getting worse. I really really really need to get down and examine that code this weekend. The plan is to do so tomorrow.

Dinner is probably taking up the most inconvenient stretch of time for me right now, but it's so good. Oh well, beggars can't be choosers.

Chowon just called me. We had a pretty intense talk the other day. I learned a bit about myself during it, and also about her. During the argument, there was a point where I gained very sudden insight into her situation. She works so so hard and is so so stressed, and when she turned to me for comfort I doubted her. When I realized what I'd done I apologized, and she told me not to apologize. I might have showed a side of me I wish I didn't have... but now I know about my weakness, so I can fix it.

I should seriously go to bed.

"one...two..."

It seems that in the presence of immorality, morality defeats morality.

If there exists, on earth, a morality which is perfect, then it will be defeated when it comes into contact with an immorality. 

If a person who is perfectly moral meets a person who is perfectly immoral, the immoral person will kill the moral person and the moral person will let it happen, because it would be better to die than to sin.

Conscience is a force in our decision making which is suppressed with practice in doing evil. 

Practicing evil diminishes conscience more quickly than practicing good builds conscience.

People proficient in practicing good -- people with strong conscience -- group together in order to stay above evil, working hard at keeping each other from suppressing their conscience. Nevertheless, people of strong conscience are pulled down more frequently than people with weak conscience are pulled up.

Crime increases in areas without police, not necessarily because criminals move there, but because "good" people become criminals when they aren't afraid of justice.

The world is becoming more and more immoral, slowly. Even circles of strong morality give in little by little in order to stay "relevant". Small compromises are made here and there, and those opposed to the changes are scoffed at by the short-sighted. Big changes are rarely accepted, but we've always been slowly slowly moving in the wrong direction.

The world is a battlefield. Morality is losing and we all know it, but we struggle and fail anyway, because it is better to die than to give-in completely.

We live hoping that our champion will return someday and win the fight once and for all. We even make movies about it.

Sometimes I wonder how far I am in the wrong direction. My ancestors have been compromising their morality little-by-little every generation. I wonder how much of what I accept is completely wrong... How much of my life will God look at and say "Zac, you didn't know, but I forgave you for this every day."

"I don't know what is right anymore."

First couple of nights in the apartments.

Reality is so tiring, so destructive, so overwhelming, so unforgiving.. and beauty is sometimes too easily hidden behind my emotional discomfort.

I see the world through a pair of glasses I bought at Walmart.

Sometimes I feel like my consciousness wants to leave my body to fend for itself. Like my mind is saying "I've had enough of this. There is nothing and no one good in the world, and I am no credit to it. There is no reason for me to sit here and watch myself struggle through life; there is no justification for my existence in a world so full of darkness and confusion. So let my body go through the motions without me, and let me be asleep until evil defeats itself."

As much as sometimes I just want to fall asleep and wake up with all my work done sometimes... I realize that God gives me exactly what I need for it to be bearable.

When I think of things worth living for, the first things that come to my mind are Gwen, Chowon, and Lainey (not in any order). But it's not really those dear to me that keep me going. Instead, it's what they represent in my mind.

Love is the only thing worth living for.

Salvation? Once you have it, you can die happy. It is not a reason to live. Forgiveness? See:salvation. Wisdom? All the wisdom of mankind combined is foolishness compared to God's wisdom. God? What does that even mean? "Live for God"... don't we want to be with him?

But even "living for God" comes back to living for Love. Ruling out the ambiguous "God is Love," if we had God but Love did not exist, then God would not be worth living for. He wouldn't bring us any happiness, because Love is the root of true happiness. Without love, it would be better to die. However, if we had Love without God, then we would still have Love, and we would still be able to hope to find happiness in life.

God comforts me in small ways pretty often, and I forget them quickly, but when I make a point of remembering them they suddenly become things for me to latch on to. And it's not just small ways. God comforts me in big ways too; for example: he gives me Chowon to talk to, and he gives me a family to look forward to seeing.

Anyway, I guess the point is..... I love those people, and the reason I can love them is because God first loved me. Right now, my love for them and Gods love for me are the sustenance that keeps me living and seeking more of that love. I want more love from God; I want to keep loving my family; I want more good friends who will love me the way friends do; and I want to keep loving Chowon. Those are good reasons to keep going, and if I tallied them up, entity by entity, I have quite a few... and no matter what happens, I still have God.

"It's NAND!"

Today was so so busy. I got that job at the school, finally :D I'm excited about it. I also got some work at Glaske.

Chowon works so hard. I am so blessed to have such a dedicated and intelligent girlfriend. I'm so so so proud of her^^ I just wish she'd take good care of herself. She loses so much sleep studying that it hurts her health. She was so tired on the phone with me this morning, and she coughed a little... I thought that even if she studied all night long, if she went to the test with such a tired mind then she would not do well. Also, it is so important to me that she stays healthy, and she needed the sleep. I told her to take a nap, and she did, and it made me really happy that she got some sleep.

Speaking of tired minds. I just finished the digital project. I'm so frustrated because my logic was good and my board was pretty and neat, but I didn't know that I can't run signal through an LED. My friend worked with me for a while, before he finally realized that's what I was doing. He ran the LED to ground perpendicular to the main line (instead of colinear to it) and it worked.

I'm kinda still working out just how much coffee is ok to drink in the morning so I'm not super-buzzed during class and so I'm not tired. I'll get it eventually.

Tomorrow they are having a study party at 7:30 which gives me about 5 hours of sleep tonight... not quite what I wanted.

God has blessed me today. I hope he continues to bless me this way tomorrow^^ Also, God, please bless Chowon lots.

"And my heart beats so that I can hardly speak."

So I'm getting punched down by some Circuits II homework and I am about to give up... I looked up just in time to see that the name of this song was "The Calculation" by Regina Spektor, which is kinda ironic.

I keep thinking I'm a step behind in this stuff, and I can't seem to get right with the lectures. I understand everything that Dr. Ortiz covered in the last lecture. I went over my notes, almost recollecting his lecture word-for-word (which is a special case for tonight, I usually don't take such great notes and pay such great attention).

I flip through the book tired-heartedly reading special case after special case; what to do if jw=0; what to do if sigma=0... I follow the set of steps which most seems to resemble my problem and I get an answer depressingly different from what's in the back of the book.

God, I know you put me here at LeTourneau, and I know that you gave me the desire to be an Engineer because I prayed a lot about it and you didn't told me not to nor close the door nor expose an alternative opportunity for me nor compel me toward something else.

...

The other day I wanted to look over the homework problems right after class, but I still haven't done it.

Tomorrow, God, please help me to be motivated to get down to business and learn this material immediately after class. Let my studies and my knowledge be yours. Let me give glory to you whenever I succeed. Give me courage to do that.

...

Oh! I'm 10 minutes late to call Chowon...

She's busy. :/

Back to work.

"Comes love, nothing can be done."

I'm about to go to bed. It's kinda lateㅜㅜ soooooooo tired~~~~~~~

Today and yesterday I was really clouded in thought about things with Chowon. It took a lot of thinking and praying, but I got my thoughts onto paper and I hope to get them in the mail soon. It's a short letter, but it has lots of meaning in it. It's a little bit redundant at parts, but I want to make my point 100% clear and I'm not sure if there is a better way or not. The 2 pages, front and back, it occupied in my notepad smoothly expanded into 1 page front and back on notebook paper, and I felt a lot better after I wrote it down. I think I spent half of church writing it lol...

I looked through my old blogs today and yesterday. I read some stuff about other girls I had crushes on in the (dark and distant) past. Looking back with perfect hindsight, I see that I was really dumb not to see the signs God had placed right in front of me. However, it's pretty clear that God knew about my blindness and protected me despite it. God never really let me get too close with those girls, I think, because God had planned that I would not be with them. It makes me think that God might have someone special planned for me. ...maybe maybe...maybe it's Chowon.

Looking at those blogs and the embarrassed feeling I get from it, then noticing God's hand in my life almost feels like a pat on the shoulder from God. Like God's saying, "Zac, you're stupid sometimes, but that's ok. I can see that you're trying and I've got your back."

Thanks, God. You're really great.

It's a miracle of God's creation, humans, that we are able to smile even though we are going through hard times. Some of my friends; I never would have guessed their burdens if they hadn't told me, or if I didn't know them so well.

Tonight I want to pray for all my friends, my family, and Chowon. God, carry them and guide them through their stress and burdens with wisdom, focus, strength, courage, patience, peace, and a sense of humor. Amen.

"Thanks, man."

So today I was thinking about compliments.

I'm kindof back and forth on how often it's ok to compliment someone. Specifically, I'm wondering how often I'm allowed to compliment Chowon before words lose their effectiveness. If I had it my way I would compliment her all the time. But then I thought... what if I want to say something especially heartfelt and she brushes it off? Or what if she stops caring that I think she's beautiful? Or what if she stops believing me? Is it better to be too often or seldom but meaningful?

I guess it's different depending on the person you're with. The best way to find out might be to ask her, but it's such a silly question to ask: "Does it bother you if I compliment you too much?"

It's really cute when she fishes for compliments. But sometime she fishes for compliments, almost it seems, with something specific in mind... Like she wants me to amaze her with something witty and sweet. I feel like I can never do it right on the spot... but at the same time, I want to be there for her when she needs to feel loved...

I guess the root of the question might be "what is the best way for me to make her feel loved?" This question is the basis for one of the best things about a long-lasting relationship. The longer I am with her, even though our "young" passion might fade, I will learn more about what truly makes her feel loved. I hope I can find the best way to make her feel truly loved, and I hope that someday I can do that for her.

Sometimes she asks me to promise her things I can't control... I don't know how to respond when she does that. I hope that I don't disappoint her, but I don't want to make a promise I can't keep. Like promising that I won't die. How can I promise that? ... I have avoided making promises like that so far, I think... What should I do?

She called me last night and asked me for motivation to do her homework. It made me think: what can I do to motivate her? I can think of some ways I might help if I were near her physically... but from here I can only mail her things or Skype with her. So I said I'd send her some real flowers if she finished the assignment. Maybe a little too much for just one assignment, but she seemed pretty distressed. Real flowers are super hard to get sent internationally -- I'd have to have find a flower shop with the kind of flowers I want (unless my friend would pick them out), and then find a friend who would bring them to her, and then transfer the money to my friend's bank. But most of my friends are graduated from HGU now, and she's my only Korean friend who I keep in really regular contact with... She said that the flowers didn't motivate her, which is kindof a relief, but also kindof makes me feel hopeless. What if she asks for motivation again? Real flowers take a lot of effort. I'll have to be creative to top that... ㅜ. I told her I'd pray for her, and she accepted that.

Ah a friend just texted me. I've gotta go.

"There's an empty space inside my heart where the wings take root, so now I'll set you free."

So I think I've trained myself to want to talk to Chowon at about 11PM every night. Before then she is either getting ready for class or in class, and after then I'm asleep, so it's the most convenient time for me.... What a great thing we have... sometimes it's hard to ignore the negative aspects, like especially the distance. But I think that the good outweighs the bad overwhelmingly. Chowon might be the best girl out there for me; like, I don't think it gets much better than her. Sometimes she asks me about if I'll find someone better; even if there is, I'm so completely happy with the way God has us together. I'm privileged to have her.

This weekend was a deep one.
...Crazy dreams, long talks, and dropping the League.

I've started writing that book I mentioned earlier. Maybe someday I'll make it public. So far it's just a big fat outline. Seems like it has a solid plot and lots of flexibility, but I'm a little worried about how I'm gonna fluff the details into a book. Maybe I shouldn't fluff.... but I don't wanna write a short story. I'll have to be a little more creative.

I've only worked on Chowon's code a little bit. I should probably prioritize that above the book. I'll do more on it tomorrow if I'm not mind-melted from class. I'd really like to have it finished by the 1-year mark.

I hope Scott Hembrough gets my email as soon as he gets back. I need a job and money asap.

"It read like a trumpet blown by some sad angel."

"Strange how we move to the voice of the moon
"Love ringing out of tune
"Lay her body between us
"Soon she'll become my new sun
"Stealing her light from the old one

"If your right eye offends you, pluck it out
"Leave your bad limbs behind
"For they are conduits to the heart


"'Depart from me, for I never knew you'

"But I'm in the wrong body.
"I must have...stumbled in


"All the love I want to give
Gets caught between my ribs.
What does that make me?
I have good intentions
But no exit for them."

"But I'm tired of walking upright.

"Phone call."
"I pull my car to the side of the road."
"No, it's not the cold making my legs shake."


"You're still sending cells to their rightful places
"When forming more likely to escape such a narrow way to life
"What's it look like from your side?
"From here I can't say why it's worth
"One more coming out cursed

"Say what this is all for.
"Say it, say, 'It's redemption'.

"We're just swaying from side to side
"We are thieves and saints alike


The world is such a small place.

I was thinking today... that there is no point in me not being completely open with everyone. I wonder if there is a question which I wouldn't answer if someone asked me. I guess there are a few secrets I've kept for other people's sake, but questions about me. Maybe there is one. I really can't think of it at this moment.

I want to write a story. 

...

I've started a few stories but I've never finished one.

I guess there's really no harm in never finishing a story.

and I guess there's no harm in starting another.

I am like a dog whose master has left home for a month, with some pet-sitter coming to feed me and let me outside then leaving me alone again.

Mom gives such good advice about everything.

God has been answering my prayers with regard to Chowon. I pray so often for her.

These days I feel God's presence in an absent sort of way, like he's left me a postcard that smells like him and has a picture of him on it and all I can do is look at it and burn in my chest waiting for him to come to me in person.

But also I know that he looks out for me, because I can feel his presence in small ways; whenever something special happens that reflects God's sense of humor or even protects me or prepares me in inexplicable ways, and it makes me happy.

Sometimes I wonder... even if I didn't believe God existed, wouldn't I see that it gives happiness to people who believe? And in that sense, what would I do to give myself happiness in the same way? Like, when I see that people who get happiness from fishing and so they fish often. I think that nature must be giving them happiness, so I make an effort to walk outside sometimes for my happiness to be like theirs, even though I can't fish often.

"I believe in your heartache, like you believe in Jesus."

The older I get, the more constrained by reality my thoughts become.

We're still on the up-curve. Everything getting better. What will it be like when things get worse?

Sometimes I think that if I can one day turn my grey head to a happy, loving, and faithful family with a wife who has been my only wife then nothing else under the sun matters. If I can raise children who love God and value wisdom, then I have succeeded in everything.

God, please bless my future. Bless me by allowing me to live a life which honors and brings glory to You.

A good job... good grades... food/shelter/the necessities... good friends even..... none of that really matters if I'm not pleasing God.

I paid off that speeding ticket.

"What if I lure you?"

This song is recorded kinda quiet... and my headphones don't get any louder.


Stopped by Ortiz's office today

Passed Circuits

Tomorrow my classes start. Today I'm up early to get my sleep schedule in order. Chowon is supposed to call me in like 5 mins. After that, it's time for me to congratulate myself.

I've got some foodstuffs for my meals, but I don't have the money or the motivation to eat really well. I wanna get a doctors note for next semester saying I shouldn't eat the cafeteria food. It kinda scares me to think about it, because I don't quite have the money.... but the mealplans are so expensive that with that money leftover I should be able to cover myself. Besides, it will be good preparation for when I'm out from under Big Brother LeTourneau and have to think for myself.

I applied for a job at IT and they haven't really gotten back to me yet. Mr. H. keeps telling me to be patient, but I need money and that grounds job is really tempting. I stopped by the building today and left a note for Mr. H saying "Zac Slade stopped by". I know a few people involved in either working there or applying for there and getting rejected who unanimously tell me I aught to just get the other job, but I really want this one, so I'm gonna give it another week-ish.

Louisiana sent an email and gave me my money back and then asked for it again. Mom says I should argue with them since they told me twice already that I'm all good and paid. I'm not about to argue with the Louisiana govt -- not even about a speeding ticket. I could just die thinking about any more legal trouble. I just wanna get it all out of the way so I can sit and take a deep breath without worrying about whether or not I have a future.

"You'll never be alone again."

Last minute cramming for my last two finals. I've gotta write an essay during my History final and the prof's letting me bring an outline. I've got the essay down to 20 minutes, 23 when I cite sources. I'm more nervous now about the circuits final. I've got the study sheet right in front of me, and I'm trying to work imaginary problems in my head over and over so I don't forget how.

These past few days I've felt an especially strong desire to talk to Chowon. Especially since I got mad for the first time the other day... Idk, I really want to make sure she knows I love her and I want to make sure she doesn't forget it. ... but I feel like I might be coming on a bit strong. Maybe I'll let up just a little bit... Idk... I always feel like I'm messing everything up -- even in little things, like I keep forgetting that she has class through lunch on Wednesday... I really just want to be the best guy for her, and sometimes I think I don't know how.

I found a sweet-awesome song on the internet.... maybe gonna learn it. I can never seem to commit to a song on the piano. ... I really need a teacher.

Well, it's about 11:30. I'm gonna make one more quick run-though my equations and then go to bed. Finals start bright and early tomorrow.
Say a prayer for me.

"The revolution will be televised."