Today I read through some of my old blogs (i was skimming the "most hit" in the past week or two in my stats). The ones that stuck out to me were from April 25, 26, and 27. Mainly 26.

I wrote about a really great day I had, and if I may compliment my past self, April 26's quote was really insightful to me. (well, of course it was to me.... I wrote it). Anyway, I thought for lots of the day about what it meant at the time. Then, on the bus ride home from eating dinner with NaKyoung, I asked her a question that I should have known the answer to, and it all came back to me. I was writing about the perfection in God's creation. Everywhere all around me is an incredible book of insights into God's personality. Realizing that everything is beautiful, even certain kinds of suffering (for example: Jesus' suffering on the cross was beautiful in a way) is a wonderful thing, and I was only beginning that journey. I won't tell you the question, but you can ask around if you want. You might be pleasantly surprised if you figure it out^^. anyway.. That was a time when I was thanking God for everything that I saw, and feeling God's love envelope me every day. I used to feel a longing to be one with it, without even having to deny myself the same measure of grace (because I didn't think to grant that grace to myself. To think that way about one's self would be conceited, wouldn't it?). I just didn't think of it. I hesitate to say that I lost the feeling, but I'd be lying if I said I felt that same closeness with God now. It's different between us now. Our relationship has become more of an understanding than a brotherhood with Christ and a father-son relationship with the Father.
Of course, I build myself up, but I wasn't perfect. I was excruciatingly angry with myself all the time, and felt my hypocrisies like pins and needles. I hated the whole world for it's sin, and used to pray that I'd die in my sleep, so I could be away from all the pain and suffering that exists (which was another point that made me mad at myself, because I experience none of the pain and suffering. Who am I to be sad about any of it? a self-pitying hypocrite.)

Of course, this is all past tense. I haven't hated the world since I've been in Korea. Now I just hate America. But, nevertheless, I am a citizen there, and my friends here have taught me a lesson about loyalty, even to countries you hate. Especially my friend from Myanmar, who loves his country but hates his government. Now, America isn't nearly as bad as Myanmar (no discrimination intended), but still. I've decided recently that if I do anything, it will be to repair America, not to destroy it..... and although the whole drinking experience (which most likely did not involve me drinking) and the experience with Hyewon brought me to a spiritual low, my relationship with God is an uphill battle again. Going uphill is always difficult, but high is better than low, right? I remain confident, though. The other day I was praying really hard, and at the end of it, I asked Jesus to relay my prayers to the Father (something I don't normally ask, but it seemed appropriate to address Jesus specifically at the time), and to make it clear to me if I really belonged to Him (that is, Jesus -- as in: salvation). I know this sounds silly, but I heard it as clear as daylight, "You do belong to me".

It's 3:00AM and I have a lunch appointment tomorrow. 잘자!!

"It means 'Beautiful Light'"
"How appropriate"