Nakyoung had me help with more homework today. I'm a little bit bothered that all we do is her homework, and she's been asking for help later at night these days. She has apologized a few times for not hanging out with me, but I don't want her guilt. Maybe I'd be doing the best thing for our friendship if I stopped helping so it didn't appear that way, but she keeps asking, and I don't want to not help. Every time I say I'm going to go help her with homework, my roommate is like "Zac, she's using you. You're wasting your time." I can't help but think there's some merit to what he's saying, but also I'd like to refuse to believe that Nakyoung has that in her. Yeah, friendship should go both ways, but she *has* been really busy. I guess, worst case, I have to help her for two or three more weeks and then leave and see if she ever contacts me. She consistently says "thanks", so I think she's genuine.

My roommate has been listening to Rock Orchestras lately. hahahaha. It's kindof awesome and kindof like "ok, I'm gonna put on my headphones now and turn the volume up all the way". he just heated my knife and used it to burn a cold-sore off his lip. He says he's always gotten them, and it just happens when he gets stressed or loses sleep or doesn't eat right. I told him he had to wash my knife thoroughly when he's done.

It's interesting seeing the clear division between ideas about the war in South Korea. There are definitely two sides. One side hates the war and wants to find a peaceful solution and stop all the fighting (Gana), and the other side wants the war and seems even a bit eager to get to the fighting, especially because America is here (the vets in Seoul). The people who are for fighting say that they are realists, and that the reality is that war is the only way they will stop the insanity that is North Korea. The people who are against fighting say that they are the realists, and that if China gets involved, the survival rate for Koreans will be close to zero, and if China doesn't get involved, Seoul will still be obliterated and South Korea will still have to rebuild all the economic growth that they have so recently accomplished, so that they should continue waiting for a peaceful solution.

I think that North Korea will be able to go for a few hundred years or more before a peaceful solution is found, and it is possible that America will cease to exist in less than 500 years, but Korea has already lasted more than 3000 years, so if they wait then the conflict could outlive South Korea's allies. On top of that, this interchange of North Korean command could be either the best time or the worst time for South Korea to win the war. It's possible that Kim Jong-un, who hasn't had the same military experience and training as his father, will initially weaken the nation's defense. On the other hand, it's also possible that Kim Jong-il will realize that since he's dieing he's essentially got nothing to lose, and start firing nukes in every direction. I mean, if you're leaving the world, and all you've done for the past several years is hurt people, then why not take as much of the world with you as you can? Shoot, for that matter, he could nuke China and never see the repercussions.

South Korea has made it clear that one of their first targets will be North Korea's missile base, and rightfully so.

....

But enough of that. Tomorrow I've got nothing on my plate but R&R and maybe a little bit of Physics studying. The day after that, I'll be helping JiHye with an English assignment. It's the first time I've helped with her homework, because when I offered before she said that she wouldn't get my help because she's embarrassed by her English skill. I think it'll be a good time to pull out those tickets to the "Concerto Di Gala". She already knows I was gonna buy them, though, lol, so it's too bad it won't be a surprise.

My roommate just helped me buy a new peacoat. It was the cheapest one we could find that he thought was from a good enough brand....... $133!! DX DX DX DX
It'll be the most expensive piece of clothing I own, and you'd best believe I'll be taking care of it... and probably wearing it a lot.

I have 120$ left to blow on the next 2.5 weeks. I still need to crack two more gifts into existence (which might end up just being boxes of Yulmucha), go to a jimjaebang. (I can't believe I haven't done that yet!!!!), go to a night-club, and eat dog meat.

These things might seem rather essential, but they're actually pretty hard to accomplish here. Gift-shops are generally way too expensive. Jimjaebangs are a group thing, and most Koreans are taking 20+ credits so it's hard to get a group together for it (especially since most of my friends don't know each other, and I'm generally not with the intl. students). The only good night clubs are in Seoul, and it's hard to get even one person to go there with me for the sole purpose of clubbing. They are all up-for it, but Seoul is a two day trip *at least* -- and I don't want to go alone, because I'm not sure how well I could resist the girls if I have a few drinks, and people here say it's pretty easy to hook-up at the clubs. and~~~ the only dog-meat place in town closed down earlier in the year, so nobody knows where else to buy it.

Ahhh whatever. Such is life lol. I will just have to return here someday for those things.

This post is too long.

"Eat the baby? Never heard of it."

It's about 3:30AM tonight.

I'm up chatting with NK, helping her with an English presentation she'll give tomorrow. I think she'll do well. I should have been in bed about an hour and a half ago. I have class earlyish. Ugh, this is killing me. lol, but NK's been a good friend.

My friend from China who startled me with those questions about pain and suffering two months ago has accepted Christ. He told me yesterday. I grabbed his shoulder, and he looked like he was about to cry while he spoke. It was tender. I'm really happy for him. It was a new and unique experience for me, for a friend of mine to confide in me in that way specifically. I really felt like I had a new brother, and I had this deep warmth inside me that I've never had the pleasure of trying to express with words before. Based on his strict Confucionist background, and the way he used to talk about the value of wisdom, I think that if he can stick with it, he will make God very proud.

I'm almost ready to move up to computer level 5 in chess. I'm real excited about that. lolololol 5/10 it's really freaking hard.

Ah, NK just finished. She said that she cancelled a free dinner to come meet with me, which was nice of her.

The guys in my end of the hall have been really great friends all semester, too. Kamsa says he's gonna try to throw me a going away party lol. It's a nice thought, but I'd be surprised if he actually did it^^ :P

Well, time for bed! ~.~

I saw a dance performance today, and it was pretty cool^^ Those Koreans are really good dancers.

I've officially decided that when I'm sober, I'm the worst dancer under the sun, but I think I'm gonna start going to more dances. Even if I make myself look like kindof a copycat the first few times, I'll at least learn some moves so I can look original in the future. At this point, I'm past trying to impress anyone here. I'll be gone in like two weeks, and I imagine that very few of the people I've met here will keep in regular contact with me, and I'll probably stop coming to their mind before winter break ends.

Awww well that's not all true. I have made some really good friends here who I think I'll stay in touch with. 지혜 (I'm brushing off the Facebook issue as a miscommunication because our last meeting was a lot of fun. Even though I'm almost positive it wasn't a miscommunication.) Last time we met we took pictures of each other from across the coffee table using our phones. It was fun, and when I asked to see the pictures she wouldn't let me browse through the rest of the pics on her phone until she had deleted some. The pictures that I did get to see, though, were kindof incredible. She takes a really great picture when she wants to. My friend 호중 wants me to introduce him to her when I leave, and I told him I might, but I don't think I will...... He makes too many crude jokes. I love the guy and all, but I can't read his intentions. He'll just have to run into her on his own time. Then NK. Last time I hung out with her, for a split second I got that "ashamed of the person I'm with" vibe, just like I used to get with Hyewon. It kinda shocked me, so I told her I would leave (in a nice way. You'd have to have been there). When I said that her countenance changed entirely. The whole room around her got softer. After I left, she sent me a message apologizing for not hanging out with me more, saying she always has stuff to do. I told her it's alright, and just let me know when she wants to hang out. Since then she's texted me a couple times. I think she's being honest about not having time. She said that she wants me to try to meet her at the library when she's studying, so we can study together. and then there's Gana. She is the only person here who I am 100% sure will hold real conversations with me online if I contact her.

I think those have been my three most frequent friends here besides my roommates. I'm really blessed to know them.

Well, it's 2AM again, so time for bed.

"They shine on me."

O.O Holy crap!
http://www.uriminzokkiri.com/newspaper/english/reunification/Tong100.htm

North Korea's government-run newsblog. It talks a lot about America in there, and how we consider North Korean land to be the most important piece of land for our up and coming invasion of the entire world, and how we tried to conquer them a hundred or so years ago but it didn't work, so we're trying again. It seems to even imply that we're gonna doublecross South Korea when the war starts. If you Google "uriminzokkiri" then you can get the homepage. It's the first thing that comes up, and it says "English" somewhere on the side. The website was blocked in South Korea, but it's not blocked in America... land of the free, home of the proxies. X) kkkkkkk

They write it so good-naturedly. It's as if the government really believes all the crazy stuff they say about us.

Scary shit.

I might blog again tonight. I just thought I'd throw that out there.

Tomorrow is 지혜's birthday. While I was making her card, I felt really guilty that I didn't make one for NK this year. I had thought that NK's birthday was the day after the day it was, so I didn't prepare anything... but I had really great plans for the next day. Too bad she was opposed to meeting anyway. I feel like I kinda made a wreck out of her birthday... I'm definitely making a goodbye card for NK.

I'm meeting 지혜 for lunch tomorrow. I don't really have any plans except to give her the card and find out what showing of the school play is most convenient for her.

I've had a thank you card for Ms. Tina Yun sitting on my desk this entire semester, and it's not too late to give it to her. I'll be bringing that in sometime soon. Maybe on Friday.

It's 12:30. I've all but slept off the cold I had earlier. Thank goodness. My chest hurt during the Soccer game, but I felt kinda determined to do "something" while I was there. I think it showed on me pretty bad. Two people offered to relieve me. I wonder what I looked like out there.... ㅠㅠ
After the soccer game, a few people came back damaged. I have *no idea* how they got hurt. It was a really tame game. Well, "tame". The American/European team played against the Spanish team and got slaughtered. We lost 6-0. It was fun though, and we called it before the game.

I was thinking today about my previous insecurity about my situation with the other intl. students. I think I was just having a weird moment... They were all real nice to me for a few days, but after the meeting with Kate, I realized that I'm hella busy with friends, and it's not "all the international students except me". It's just Drew, Wim, and ... I can't help but think there's one other consistent person in their group. I guess it's between Wouter and Patrick... Maybe I just wasn't used to having no consistent group that I hang with every day. Here what I have is more like a massive social network, and over half my friends probably don't know each other. I need to schedule something with Songu. I've been saying I would do that all semester, but I haven't. I feel bad, because I really like him.

Someone came in earlier and asked me to write an email as if I were writing to clear up a bad grade with a professor who I thought was mistaken. He said that it was for an assignment, but I tried to write it as if his grade depended on it. It was so specific. The essay was to a foreign, Native English speaking professor who had given him a "C+", when he couldn't remember doing poorly on any assignments. And when I was done, he thanked me a lot and gave me some "Chamomile Meadow Tea"... delicious.

"No! You're having fun! Really!"

So, another "everything is beautiful" trip:
http://news.yahoo.com/nphotos/Eye-Popping-Microscope-Images/ss/events/sc/111810bioscapesimage;_ylt=AnGO03zkLs.NB2a4PEGbRHT9xg8F;_ylu=X3oDMTBubW10OGo5BHBvcwMxOQRzZWMDZXAEc2xrA2ltYWdl#photoViewer=/ydownload/20101118/photos_net_web_sc/1290096617

Now, I was really shocked today to hear that tea-party-ists in America are saying we'd better stay out of the war in Korea. I mean, I can see where they're coming from, but that just seems so ignorant to me! We've been promising the Koreans that we would be "in" it for a long time now, and... well... Ecclesiastes 5:5. Besides sometimes, in a war, if you're allied with someone you should help defend them. Like, I don't condone most of America's wars, but if we don't help Korea out I'll be really ashamed of us. It'll be nothing short of lying and cowardice after all the help we've told them we'd give... ESPECIALLY if China gets involved.

China has so many secrets. It baffles me that a people would allow that kind of government to come into existence. I want to learn more about it, but I think I'd just make myself more mad at the world.

This morning in second period, this girl I was sitting next to put her foot on mine. I kinda awkward-laughed at her and looked down at our feet, like "hey, your foots on my foot". She kinda looked at me with a blank expression on her face. She looked down at our feet, and definitely saw it, but just left her foot there. Then, she started this thing where she would intermittently start tapping my foot, or just leave her foot there or something. I mean, she was making me really nervous. I'm sitting there, paying no attention to the lecture, and she's like half-massaging my foot under the desk. I looked over at her a couple times, but she didn't stop. Then, after class, she gets up and walks quickly right up to the front of the class and talks to the professor. I was like "whatever" and left, but I got caught reading some Korean chalk-writing on the road. When she came out, I asked her what it meant, and she told me. We walked a little ways together, and she said she had to go to one of the student buildings. I'm thinking "why not", so I ask her "hey, do you have plans for lunch today?" and she, hardly even looking back, says "yeah, I'm busy. Maybe next time", and walks quickly away. I couldn't even ask what next time meant. I'm stuck sitting next to this girl 2.5 hours a week for the next three weeks, so I hope I don't have to deal with that again unless she wants to talk more, so I can get an idea of her motives or personality.

Korean girls, man. wth

"Why does this weird stuff always happen to you?!"

Today I slept most of the day, trying to sleep off this cold. The highlight of my day was later in the evening. I went out to eat with this Russian Korean girl. She's real pretty, and we seem to have a lot in common, but it was our first time hanging out, and we didn't have other friends around to keep conversation going, so it was a little bit awkward sometimes. Luckily, during the meal, we were able to get a lively and interesting conversation going, which lasted from about 6:40 to 10:00. I remember most of what she said, but the only thing I can remember saying in the conversation was "why did we wait until the end of the semester to hang out like this?" or something like that. At the end, when we said goodbye, she did this thing that I catch myself doing a lot, but I don't think I've ever seen anyone else do. She stopped and said "I'll see you..... " and thought through her schedule and what was happening and then guessed at tomorrow "tomorrow?.. let me see.." etc.. Just based on that, and if she was doing it the same way I normally do, I think she's looking forward to meeting again. Not that there's anything there. We've got less than a month to get to know each other, and we'll be lucky if we keep in touch after that.

That's pretty much all that happened today...

Last night I watched a lamb get slaughtered Mongolian-style. They cut the suckers stomach open while it's alive, and this big bubble immediately appears. Then they reach in and grab a vein and yank it out. Once they've cut the lamb open completely, they pull out this massive pillowy sack of crap which makes up the majority of the lambs insides. The blood pools cleanly in the lamb's chest as they pull out the other organs. In fact, the only time the guys hand got dirty (besides when pulling the vein out) was when he cut the heart open and drained the blood into the blood pan, which would later be boiled with flour and poured into the lamb's intestines to make blood sausage. Just looking at it, I think I could do it. However, it would take some practice before I could get that vein quickly, and the lamb would suffer until then. It's a cleaner kill if you do it that way, I think.

Oh yeah, North Korea shelled a South Korean town today, and SK is drafting. The border is already the most heavily militarized border in the world, and in the next few months or maybe a year or two, we could watch WWIII begin. The USA has pledged to loyally defend SK. If anything goes down, we'll be right in the middle of it. Also, Nigerian police stopped the largest shipment of heroine and weapons in Nigerian history... Somehow, I can't place any value on the Nigerian incident, except that the shipments were from Iran, which means that NATO decisions have yet-again proved useless, because the only countries which follow the rules are the ones that make them and the ones that survive by the help of the ones that make them. Iran is pretty much un-tamable. Nobody controls them; they don't even control themselves. They can do whatever they want, and nobody can tell them anything about it. What will NATO do? Hold another meeting? Complain for a few more hours? Send another shipment of food to a country which isn't making enough food for itself? Even if they send troops to Iran, they will do about as much good as every other country which has sent troops there has done... and what little that was was temporary. Can any of their words stop the war in Korea, or just postpone it until North Korea is more powerful and more angry, and South Korea is biting at the bit.

Idk.

"너의 예쁜 두 눈과"

You know... I've been thinking about it, and as much as I'd like to think that I'm a deep, intellectual, dark, and enigmatic person, I'm really not that complicated.

I have little or nothing to hide. If you ask the right question, or maybe ask a question in the right way, I'll tell you anything. I wish everyone in the world was straightforward with each other; no hinting, no hypotheticals, no curveballs. I am pretty much OK with everyone as individuals, but I'm not good with people. If I am around more than 5 people at once, I get tired very quickly, because it takes effort for me to take a persons intonation, posture, verbal communication, eye contact, closeness, and God only knows what else all at once to formulate meaning, and not only that, but to take each person's patterns of reactions and tailor my actions to best keep the peace while not completely compromising my dignity. It pretty much saves my life that people tend to naturally break into smaller groups of friends. Most of the time, when I'm in a big group, I just sit quietly, smiling, nodding when appropriate, and completely ignoring everything everyone says.

I hate pretty much all the world's governments. I don't hate them because I'm smart and I know all these problems and I want to change things and stuff. I hate them because when I learn about politics, all I see is people whining and complaining and people making "obviously" stupid decisions. Whichever group you listen to, you will agree with, because the arguments are all relative and economics isn't an exact science. I hate it because it straight-up confuses and frustrates me. People are constantly writing books which are meant to put politics and economics into terms which people can understand, but the books all conflict with one another. It's a waste of time. The only thing a political mind is good for is either tracing history or stealing money from large groups of people at once.

I dislike physics because it forces me to be intuitive, but I like calculus because the formulas are easy and problems can be solved using logic alone. History is only useful for historians, negotiators and tacticians. Nobody cares who discovered integrals, only that they were discovered and that they are derivable using many alternative, but still accurate means. The English language is a mess. If people do not stick to Websters Dictionary definitions, nobody can understand each other, but sometimes two peoples opposing definitions of the same groups of words will mesh so well that people can have completely separate conversations but still be convinced that their opinion is being validated. In fact, I am learning that some words are so arbitrary that sometimes I can have a conversation with someone who I absolutely disagree with, completely oppose everything the person says, and still make him or her feel validated.

Love is a useless word because it is poorly defined. There are no good words for social romance. All we have are vague words: "like" "relationship". We might as well start saying things like "correlation" and "symbiosis". Physical attraction doesn't make much sense either. It just happens and we learn to know, accept, and even try to subdue it.

Christianity is simple, despite what we all want to believe. Everything that the Bible says is true exactly as it is said. When Jesus tells a parable, it often labels it somehow, and Jesus often tells us the moral right away. Love one another. Don't steal, don't cheat on your wife, don't just go beating people up or killing anyone, don't worship other gods before God (especially gods that you've made yourself), honor your parents, don't lie, keep a clean mouth (it's good for your thought life), and don't dwell on how much you wish you had someone elses crap. Their crap is their business, so you've got to work with what you have. What other rules do we have to follow? Uh, none. The rest of the Bible is an explanation of salvation, sacrifice, gifts, love (like, real love... the useful kind), those laws, God's mind, and a glimpse of the future.

Aaaaaannnnndddd, that's all I've got.

"Maybe later."

Today was pretty great. I hung out with Gana all day and we went to Andong. All that was awesome, and I got three great presents to take home. One of them is for Dan, the other two could be for either Mom and Jess or Dad and Jess (Jess could get either, but they are Mom/Dad specific if I give them the parents). I need at least two more presents before I leave: one for Gwyn and one for either Mom or Dad. I figure since Ms. Stephanie Slade is sister-in-law, I don't have to get her anything huge, so I might give her the cell-phone thing. I do have this sweet-awesome umbrella that I plan to give to someone if I can't come up with the extra presents. Honestly, I want to keep all of these myself.

NK cancelled another appointment today. This time it was kindof my fault, because I didn't know the Andong trip would take so long. After the trip, I texted her (around 9:30) and she said it was too late.

So I might have posted about how 지혜 finally got a Facebook, right? Well, get this: I noticed that she already had like 192 friends. Initial reaction: "Wow, she is really friggin popular to get that many friends so fast". So I scrolled down her main page, and noticed that one of her statuses was from like a month ago! I clicked older post a couple times, and she has had that thing for over a year. How do you eat with someone as many times as we have eaten together and tell them you don't have a Facebook until now?? Why on earth would she lie about not having a Facebook??? What does it mean that she finally told me???? Honestly, I have no idea. Yet another case of me having absolutely no clue what goes on in the mind of Asian girls. I guess that all I can draw from that is an official: She's probably not interested at all.

But that's alright. I guess it's best not to get attached to people like that. my brother warned me about being emotionally slutty, and I can't imagine how I'd be if I didn't at least hear his advice.

My mom tried to get me to tell her about the experiences I've had here that I don't really want to be lectured about. I'm pretty sure she has a sense of me having done that kind of stuff, or she reads this blog. Either way. Maybe later.

Skyping with gavin while I blog tonight. It's about 2 in the morning, and I have to wake up for Church tomorrow or NK is going to hate me. I'm already on thin-ice with her. I'm gonna wrap things up.

"He's so smart. You should do that."

Ahh, today was a good day. I've got $40 sitting on my desk, waiting for me to turn it into won.

I hung out with 지혜 some more. That was really nice. I posted some pics of her on Facebook. She said that she recently got a Facebook, but as I've found out, there are a lot of different ways to spell 지혜 in English, and there are a lot of people spelling it each way, and Idk how she's spelling it, but it's not in Korean.... so she said she'd add me sometime^^

Tomorrow I should wake up around 7:30, so I can get to breakfast with Gana at 8:20, and go to the bus stop at 9. We're going to Andong, a traditional Korean place where, they say, the very best jimdack (kindof a cheesy, dark-meat chicken soup) is served. It's delicious without the name 'Andong' in front of it, so I can only imagine what it will be like there.

Hyewon isn't coming this weekend. She mumbled some kind of excuse about her dad or something, but I know she just feels awkward. In a way, I think it'd be less awkward for us if she came, but in another way, maybe it's best just to leave well enough alone.

I signed up for classes at LeTU with some help from Zac from downstairs. I had asked Shane, but he disappeared mid-conversation on Facebook (without saying brb or anything) and didn't come back. After 30 minutes, I signed off. I'll be rooming with Shane next semester. I am looking forward to being with my friends again in the dorm, but I am not looking forward to growing accustomed to new freshman, or hearing the flaky complaining of LeTU students. The cafeteria food there is like 10x better than the cafeteria food here. If complaining about the food becomes a regular thing at any table I sit at, I'm just gonna go eat alone until I find a new table.

I just watched Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World, and the whole time I couldn't decide if I liked it or if I was annoyed by it. At the end, though, my impression became just "alright, it wasn't too bad." There were some really funny parts.

I'm gonna go to bed, I think.

"Every time I'm with you, the stars shine brighter."

So the trip back to Texas is looking like more and more of a reality. My parents aren't up for paying both tuitions. I will have to tell them and have the Zac from downstairs re-teach me how to sign up for classes at LeTU.

I have a meeting tonight with 지혜. Everyone's been tired lately. I'll see what she's up for, and probably just get some coffee... although I think I remember her saying something about going into town.... or maybe it was "not" going into town. Idk. Whatever^^

I talked with Hyewon about coming over this weekend. It was an awkward but necessary conversation... IMO. Anyway, she's gonna think about whether she comes or not. I'm giving her the final word on what happens.

Lately I'm actually using those lotions that Gana gave me. Despite what she said, I think the ones that say "for night-application" should only be used at night. Those things leave my face feeling super-moist all day, and it's a feeling that'd be ok for sleeping, but is uncomfortable in the cold, fresh air.

...I wonder who's reading this......

My stats say this week I've gotten 20 views from the US, 14 from Russia, 4 from the ROK (it's not logging mine), 4 from Sri Lanka, 2 from China, 2 from the UK, and 2 from Malaysia. ... why would anyone in Russia read this?!

Working with the Ubuntu support forums again. Maybe things will work out alright this time. Some kind of problem with "unsupported low power chip" or something. I think I'll give the forums like 2 or even 3 weeks, then I'm just gonna go back to Windows.

I think I got a decent grade on the final. Drew and I had the same issues, but approached the problems from different angles. I'd almost like to take Physics 1 again after this just so I could solidify all of it in my head at once. The other day I caught myself trying to solve a bridge I saw in a picture.

"Yeah, I don't know either."

It's 2:30, I shouldn't have drank that TeJava, I am now dual-ing Linux and Windows 7 on my little netbookster. My roommates seem to be having trouble getting to sleep, so I'll keep this short.

Tomorrow is Wednesday, so I don't have to pay too much attention in my morning classes, but I do have to stay awake during them. I just have to drink some YulMuCha (... Hangul isn't working on Ubuntu yet, or these brand names would be a helluva lot cooler...) to get my creative juices going.

My roommate from Mongolia and I are thinking we might go clubbing in two weeks. He has never been to a Korean club in Seoul either, but everyone says Korean clubs are the best in the world. We agreed we're gonna look out for each other while we're there (as far as keeping each other away from girls if we accidentally drink something bad or drink too much or something), and probably stay in a hotel room in Seoul. It's gonna be a one-night, one-day trip two weekends from now (er, that's whats been unofficially planned anyway). I'll keep you posted. Oh man, a really good song just started... I'll blog a little longer.

I am running out of sources to ask about Yulmucha's nutritional value. All I got is that it's used in drinks in East Asia, which I obviously already know. I got some nerve and posted on Lani's wall about it. I figure she knows a bunch about Herbs, and I've always felt bad about losing that friendship. I guess the friendship was never negative, though, I hope. Just weird, drifting around zero. Like a sin(tan(cos(theta))) or one of those other weird flowery functions.... so it's kindof a perfect excuse to talk to her.... but that's totally not the only reason. the others are probably primarily that I've been awake for a really long time.

So.... I was gonna end the blog there, but then Ghettysburg (by Ratatat) started. Now I'm on for at least another four minutes.

NaKyoung said her meeting last night went over, so we postponed the movie until either tomorrow night or the night after. I blogged before she told me about it, so I thought it deserved the update. Also, the international students have been more friendly with me lately, or I'm just noticing it more because I mentioned it earlier. They said that they noticed I never hang around with them. It's kinda difficult finding time, I guess, and a friendship requires work on both ends. I've focused a lot on developing friendships with people who can enrich my knowledge of the culture here, and only a little on the native-English-speakers... Maybe my friendships would have been deeper if I had focused on them more, but the friendships I have with my friends who can hardly speak English are still totally worth the effort.

I wonder how well I will keep in touch with Roger. We're "brothers" now, after all. I imagine we'll just keep each other's contact and give whatever we can when one of us contacts the other. We've proven to think very similarly, and the way he talks, I think he's comparing our relationship to that of the two main generals in "Mongol" lolol. He really loves Mongolian culture, so I wouldn't put it past him. It's a fair comparison, though, I guess^^ (except for them trying to kill each other...) Anyway, I'm going to miss him and Cheguang and Yoonhyung a lot.

Heh, that was a little more than 4 minutes... another good song just started.... ugh..resistance,. time to get off.

"I saw you eating lunch with some girl today."
"I saw you eating lunch without some girl today."

Just downloaded about a hundred more songs from VulpVibe. XD This guy, Mr. Renard (Queenston?) is beginning to dominate a large part of my music library.

Today was another good day. (except the part where I got embarrassed in Korean Speaking class. I was talking to the people next to me in class, and the teacher called me out: "Zac, why are you talking so much?" I normally don't talk much in that class). I payed decent attention in Physics, but will still need to study on my own before the test. I finished my statics homework without help from Cramster, and got the answer to the difficult problem right, but messed up on the easy one... or something like that. It was the last homework for that class, and this Friday is the final exam.

I think I should rephrase "on a higher level than me socially". I was thinking about a better way to say that today, but I couldn't think of any really good ones. I don't want to say "look up to" or even "respect". Just, "is really funny, seems agreeable to everyone" or something like that, MAYBE even "wish I was that witty" or something.... idk, those don't seem to cut it either. I'll come back to this on another blog if I think of something. In a way, I want to avoid implying the existence of a social hierarchy, because that seems so "high school" and... don't we think of ourselves as more mature than that now? But in another way, I'm sure that one still exists; just now it's more well hidden.

Ok, take for example, the show "The Office". It's funny because it's loosely based on reality, right? It exaggerates levels of social aptitude until they are obvious, and then it brings them into such typicality that we can separate characters' problems from ourselves and think "I can't believe he/she just did that." Sometimes things have to be exaggerated a little for us to see the difference. That's why I think this is a good example of modern inter-peer social hierarchy.

Anyway, analyzing humor like that makes me remind myself of my mother. I hope I don't make a habit of it..... She analyzes things that don't need to be analyzed, and draws conclusions that, while they are logical in a way, are often incomplete and easily proven false, and she argues with information that she invents/discovers as she goes. I don't want to do it that way when I'm older. When you analyze things which are as relative as humor, you really can't win. It's best to analyze things that are calculable.

This blog is getting long :/ I've been trying to bring things down to a good size. ... hmmm.... oh well. lol.

Tonight NK said she wants to hang out at around 11. I couldn't tell if she wants to watch a movie or have me correct an English assignment.... or both. Either way, it should be fun.

"Come back"

Today was Kamsa's meat party for his birthday. We went to a "grill your own meat" buffet. 14000 won each, and we grilled all the meat we wanted. There were all different kinds and everything^^ awesome.

I actually made it to church today, I texted with NaKyoung a little, showed Kamsa and Roger how to get to the roof of the chapel annex, made fun of Kamsa's fear of heights, and still had time to watch the first 6 episodes of Samurai Jack and break my roommates computer some more XD we're going to try Linux tomorrow if we can't make a working bootleg XP.

Well, I promised my roommates I'd make this short and get to bed.

"and by the way: OH MY EARS"

Today I got some files off my roommates broken computer using Knoppix. (Score+1 Live-boot Linux!)

The past week or two or three I've realized that I feel a little alienated from the rest of the American and European international students. Like, I didn't go on the same trip as them to Seoul, they don't invite me to parties anymore (totally my fault. I can understand that. I picked the wrong night to experiment.), and they don't invite me to play board games with them. In fact, one time, I said "hey, let me know next time you play! I'd like to play with you." --those exact words, exactly like you're imagining me saying that, and one of them, who I particularly looked at as being on a higher level than me socially, said "We won't.". I laughed it off initially, but yesterday they played a series of games of Settlers of Cattan, with only three players, and didn't tell me about it. I think that it's probably still paranoia if I say they're talking behind my back, but what do I have to go on here? I haven't talked to any of them in weeks, except Drew, and he seems to be on "pleasant acquaintance" or even "happy acquaintance" terms with me.
....
I guess this is another one of those cases where I wish people were absolutely and consistently open with each other.
....
This is nonsense. Every time I think about this I think that I'm only paranoid about it, and it's really nothing, but it's a nagging feeling just under my lungs. It's something I haven't felt since maybe junior high... an unsure sense of rejection... waiting for a reasonable catalyst to inflame itself into insecurity...

Ah well, there's nothing I can do about it now.

"We hunger, though all that we eat brings us well relief. We don't know quite what else to do. We have all our relief, but we don't want our relief."

Today I read through some of my old blogs (i was skimming the "most hit" in the past week or two in my stats). The ones that stuck out to me were from April 25, 26, and 27. Mainly 26.

I wrote about a really great day I had, and if I may compliment my past self, April 26's quote was really insightful to me. (well, of course it was to me.... I wrote it). Anyway, I thought for lots of the day about what it meant at the time. Then, on the bus ride home from eating dinner with NaKyoung, I asked her a question that I should have known the answer to, and it all came back to me. I was writing about the perfection in God's creation. Everywhere all around me is an incredible book of insights into God's personality. Realizing that everything is beautiful, even certain kinds of suffering (for example: Jesus' suffering on the cross was beautiful in a way) is a wonderful thing, and I was only beginning that journey. I won't tell you the question, but you can ask around if you want. You might be pleasantly surprised if you figure it out^^. anyway.. That was a time when I was thanking God for everything that I saw, and feeling God's love envelope me every day. I used to feel a longing to be one with it, without even having to deny myself the same measure of grace (because I didn't think to grant that grace to myself. To think that way about one's self would be conceited, wouldn't it?). I just didn't think of it. I hesitate to say that I lost the feeling, but I'd be lying if I said I felt that same closeness with God now. It's different between us now. Our relationship has become more of an understanding than a brotherhood with Christ and a father-son relationship with the Father.
Of course, I build myself up, but I wasn't perfect. I was excruciatingly angry with myself all the time, and felt my hypocrisies like pins and needles. I hated the whole world for it's sin, and used to pray that I'd die in my sleep, so I could be away from all the pain and suffering that exists (which was another point that made me mad at myself, because I experience none of the pain and suffering. Who am I to be sad about any of it? a self-pitying hypocrite.)

Of course, this is all past tense. I haven't hated the world since I've been in Korea. Now I just hate America. But, nevertheless, I am a citizen there, and my friends here have taught me a lesson about loyalty, even to countries you hate. Especially my friend from Myanmar, who loves his country but hates his government. Now, America isn't nearly as bad as Myanmar (no discrimination intended), but still. I've decided recently that if I do anything, it will be to repair America, not to destroy it..... and although the whole drinking experience (which most likely did not involve me drinking) and the experience with Hyewon brought me to a spiritual low, my relationship with God is an uphill battle again. Going uphill is always difficult, but high is better than low, right? I remain confident, though. The other day I was praying really hard, and at the end of it, I asked Jesus to relay my prayers to the Father (something I don't normally ask, but it seemed appropriate to address Jesus specifically at the time), and to make it clear to me if I really belonged to Him (that is, Jesus -- as in: salvation). I know this sounds silly, but I heard it as clear as daylight, "You do belong to me".

It's 3:00AM and I have a lunch appointment tomorrow. 잘자!!

"It means 'Beautiful Light'"
"How appropriate"

"When the walls bend with your breathing..."

Oh man, there's this one remix of "Hey Jude" in that last batch of songs I downloaded that I just can't get enough of. It's by "Mayhem", and it's called "remember".

I just got done with a 4-hour skype with Gavin. At the end of it we were like "... well, this makes up for all that time we haven't talked."

"You belong to me."

I'm going to town to eat dinner with NK tomorrow. The last conversation we had is lingering in my head. I know Korean culture is serious about hinting things to save face, (or... more serious than American culture). I generally suck at taking hints, and when I try, I usually end up reading too much in. Anyway, our last conversation was about our views on long-distance relationships. Once again, I don't know what to think. There isn't much to discuss with myself about this one. I ruled her out a long time ago and didn't think about it much again until that afternoon, (because I was sure she didn't like me). If she was hinting, it was conclusive, and I hope I get to stay here another semester. If she wasn't, then I still hope I get to stay another semester.

"Take a sad song and make it better"

I wonder if my situation is unique. I haven't talked much with Drew about his experiences, but I know that Wim is hanging with lots of girls. I think I cause problems for myself. Most of these girls are just friends, and I really value my friendships with them. Especially Gana, like, I'm really glad that she and I are able to have a zero-pretense friendship. That doesn't happen very much with girls, and she's awesome. But by hanging out with so many girls, I end up liking more than one. It keeps me secure in my ability to rebound, but that's a really douchy thing to secure for yourself, and nothing else positive comes out of pursuing a girl only when she's around. All I can do, since I've got rather regular meetings with these girls, is just keep in mind that I'm out of here in 6 weeks-ish, and don't think about them anymore. ㅠ.ㅠ

"It's especially hard for us."

So a few minutes ago I downloaded all the songs on this page:
http://beemp3.com/index.php?q=furries+in+a+blender&st=all

It's just some crazy techno music. I like the drum parts in the background...and also the band has some pretty sick album covers:



지혜 cancelled on me again today. I think I'm done trying to schedule stuff with her. She said she wants to meet on Wednesday, tomorrow. I will go, but if she cancels again, maybe I'll just be like "Look, we don't have to schedule again. Just let me know when you're available".

My friends here have been pushing me to try harder at staying. I really want it. I can't really post a whole lot about the situation with that until it's over. I'm trying to play this smart.

I didn't get any meals today, just some ramen and shrimp from the on-campus store. It was pretty good. I have a headache.

There's a statics test on thursday. I think I have a firm grasp on the material, but I can't get correct answers. I understand the main concepts, but I seem to have a ton of small conceptual flaws ruining my equations. Like, the teacher looks at my work and he's like "this looks right............... oh, here's supposed to be negative." So I know I've got the main stuff, but I can't seem to catch those tiny problems. A wrong answer could get me an 80 on the test if the rest looks right. Maybe it won't be so bad.. idk, statics confuses me. I just hope we have a really freakin big equation sheet.

"Sounds..... eastern European...."

NaKyoung talked the Hyewon story out of me today ㅠㅠ I don't particularly like re-telling that, but she saw the hand-holding pic on my phone --I had forgotten to delete it. She deleted them for me. The conversation we had makes me think that she totally knows I used to like her. I still would, but I think that she doesn't like me. We got to talking about a long distance relationship (not with each other, just in general). From what she said, she seemed up for a relationship, just not a long-distance one. (story of my life). So that's that.

I realized that I hang out with way more girls than guys. I eat two meals a day, and have meetings scheduled for 10/14 of those meals this week alone (probably 9/14 on average) -- each time with a different girl. Ok, that said, I usually only talk on here about girls who I am either especially close to or "like". However, the way things have been lately, I've kinda wanted to talk about stuff happening with other girls too, but I've been self conscious because I know some people I know have been reading this and I don't want to seem like any more flaky or girl-crazy than I already am. Therefore, just to clear my conscience, I'm writing now: if I blog about a girl on here, even if I say I had a great time and really like being around her, don't assume I have a crush on her.

Ok, now that that's covered, a perfect example: Minjin. I hung out with her for only the second or third time today, and she's incredible. The only thing she wanted to talk about was God, (a characteristic natural to her in the last few meetings, but today in particular because we hung out longer). She has some really great stories about miracles in her life, and seems to know a decent amount about the Bible in general. It was like talking to a pastor, but much more interesting. I hope I can hang out with her more. I felt uplifted for the rest of the afternoon after that. Maybe because I haven't had a good, uplifting conversation about God with a like-minded believer in a long time. Everyone has something to prove. Most of the time, I prefer to just relax in the commonly acknowledged truths: God is good, God is great, and we thank Him for our food... amen.

jk, but for real. It's the simple things that God gave us, which are beautiful enough to be taken as they are, and, when over-thought, can be complex enough to satisfy even the staunchest confusion-hound. ... like... a tree. especially a bunch of trees... in autumn... like what I'm exposed to here frequently enough to help make me forget about missing America as much.

"What was your happiest and your saddest moment here?"

Watching Trigun while I blog tonight. Today was studying and sleeping. I ate three full meals within two hours of each other, and that's all I ate today.

I got to talk to Dan and Steph last night, and talking to them helped me to screw my head on straight. I am confident in my ability to be a gentleman like I should be... however, Hyewon sounds like she might not want to come to Pohang after all. That's cool, but I have to admit, I was kinda looking forward to it.

I studied some more today. I think I understand the parallel axis theorem now, but I wish I had better practice.

"Ok, you've got yourself a team"

I studied today like I hoped I would. I went ate dinner with Chowan and we went for a walk. I sent Hyewon a text, but it was totally on accident.

Some person named Jrunliu just added me on Skype. After a short conversation, we learned that we don't know each other and he or she apologized for adding me on accident, saying there was another Zac that she or he was looking for. I asked the person's current country, and they replied "China", so I said "We can still talk if you want. I don't have any pen pals from China.^^" and the person said "hehe sure".

.................

Ok, she's an accountant, born 1988, definitely not a robot.

Hyewon just texted me back. I always feel weird giving instant responses to people when they take forever texting me back. I am gonna let this one sit for about 10 more minutes.

ok, my roommates want to play SC against the room nextdoor. I will blog more if I think of something else after that.

Deposited the last few nights' blogs into the First National dataBank of GWS Veasey.

This weekend was the Fall Festival, so few classes. I have a statics test next week. The way I see it, if I could study statics until my brain was oozing out my ears, actually understand the material almost perfectly, and still phych myself out bad enough to get a poor grade on the last test, I can't imagine how I will get a good grade on this one. This time, I *don't* understand the material. I will just read the chapters, follow along with all the example problems, and pray pray pray pray.

Next weekend or the weekend after will determine whether Hyewon and I keep in touch in the future. I feel like our relationship hereafter is heavily dependent on my ability to resist her that weekend. I don't think it will be too hard in public, because I don't want people around here thinking I have a girlfriend (although that might be a good thing). We might hang out and watch a movie together or something while she's here, and if we do that, I will have to just not put my arm around her.. not hold hands.. not even look at her. Also, I am really curious to see what she's like when she's drunk (because she seems so proud of it), but somehow, I think that won't be happening. The question in my mind is: what is the root of the determining factor here? Is it my sense of honor and Christian values vs. my lust, or my sincere desire for our friendship to last vs. my desire for something more than a friendship with her and that odd mixture of not-really-feeling-hurt (because I understand her point of view) vs really-wishing-this-would-have-gone-differently.
Anyway, one of the first things I plan on doing when I see her again is apologizing, however unnecessary it might be for me to do so.

I should be on Skype and Nateon as often as I am in my room for the rest of the next week. 지혜 is making an honest effort at a friendship, and I shouldn't pass it up just to save my bandwidth.... I just really don't like being on Skype unless I know that someone will be on soon. If I am going to sign on without appointment, I usually just sign on for a second to see who's on, and then get off.... and as long as you are on Nateon, you get popups in Internet Explorer.... ㅜㅜ

"It's a big blue watery road."

Listening to Bright Eyes now.

Arm wrestled my Mongolian roommate today, and after about 30 seconds of neither of us moving, we called it a tie. I think that he and I are twins from other countries. He says it's because I have some Cherokee blood in me, and Native Americans used to be Mongolians.

"You would do the dance that was choreographed at the dawn of time, singing I told you son, the day would come, when you would die die die die."

I've been drinking a lot of 율무자 lately, but a few hours ago my friend told me that that stuff lowers your sperm count crazily. .... it just tastes so freaking good .... I'm gonna have to get some second opinions.
.................................
Ok, so after about an hour of google searching and wikipedia reading, nowhere did I see anything about lowering sperm-count. I think this is another one of those cases where they were just making up stuff because I know absolutely nothing about Korean foods lol. It's not the first time. However, I did read that it helps clear complexions in people who have oily skin, (me)... and it's scientific name is "semen coicis" which is much too easy to make any jokes about.

........I'm gonna go make a glass of 율무자.

"Now I do as I please and I lie through my teeth. Someone might get hurt, but it won't be me. I should probably feel cheap, but I only feel free and a little bit empty."

I wonder if Lani has hidden my posts on facebook. Sometimes I get on there and see a post from her and check the chat-list to see if she's on. Even if she is, I don't talk. I just sit for a second and wonder what I would say if we did talk. I feel like a total weirdo for it, and it makes me think I never got over her. --no, shut up. I am totally over her... she just conveniently.. "exists" whenever I need something to be sad about. Each time I want to hide her posts, but I don't because if she ever un-friends me I want to realize it and find her and request her again, only until we have no more promises to keep.

"But I say to you, Do not take an oath at all, either by heaven, for it is the throne of God, or by the earth, for it is his footstool, or by Jerusalem, for it is the city of the great King. And do not take an oath by your head, for you cannot make one hair white or black."
Matthew 5:34-36
"It is better that you should not vow than that you should vow and not pay" Ecclesiastes 5:5

I've been praying off and on for wisdom still. I can ask all day, but how do I know when God has given it to me? I don't. If I say I am wise, then I am not at all, because wisdom is infinite, and I think we can only partially grasp it in our lifetime. Should I just keep praying for wisdom to no avail? Maybe this is just one of those things where you can't win, but you get props for trying anyway.

"Since then I've been so good at vanishing"
"Ignorance is like medicine"

지혜 has been cancelling appointments and stuff. I don't think she has a boyfriend, but she hangs out with Songu a lot, and he is an amazing guy. I think that if she likes him and ends up with him, it would make me very happy, because it would just be perfect. She's incredibly gorgeous, and too many good looking girls end up with bad guys.

My relationship with Hyewon is shaping up to be the opposite of good, but for some reason.... I can't (or refuse to) think of any reason not to just roll with it. I'm enjoying it a lot.

"So when you're asked to fight a war that's over nothing, it's best to join the side that's gonna win."

Every day, extending my day here begins to look like a worse and worse idea academically, but a better and better idea socially. I've been praying that God's will be done and that he would give me wisdom. Despite my deepest wants, all my reason tells me that going back to America is the best choice. I think that when you pray for wisdom, God reveals himself to you with more certainty. Psalm 25:14 says "The Lord confides in those who fear Him". If you receive that wisdom, then you will inevitably grow in every other area (although that doesn't necessarily mean you will stop suffering). You will want to read the Bible more; you will love others with a love that is closer to God's love; you will be more at peace; you will be more successful in resisting temptation. But I think it's important to stress that wisdom doesn't make you always happy. Even God, who is perfect, is not always in a good mood. Didn't God suffer? King Solomon, the wisest man "ever" (except God Himself as a man), starts his book with phrases like "everything is vanity". Basically, when I read that, I felt really good about myself because it affirmed for me exactly what I've always been saying: most of what we do is useless and worthless. Only pursuing God and His kingdom is worth doing. And people tell me that my worldview isn't Christian. There is a verse that says "there is no one righteous, not even one.". It's always been true. Does that mean we aren't saved? No.... well, I think it's not that simple. ... But definitions of salvation probably get shoved down your throat enough without me writing about them, too.

"that which is crooked cannot be made straight, and that which is lacking cannot be counted"

I am grasping at dry leaves in Statics class, but tomorrow I plan to read the book for most of the day.

Speaking of grasping at dry leaves.... Hyewon. What a crazy relationship. We had a discussion while I was there that neither of us had ever been in this kind of relationship before each other. I can't get it out of my mind lately.

And mom called me the other day. She started in on her incessant rambling about her problems with Hyewon again and I got mad at her. It made me realize just how much animosity I've been harboring toward her over this whole issue. The whole thing was none of her business.

Oh well... you win some, you lose some.

"No one's sure how all of this got started, but we're gonna make them God damn certain how it's gonna end."