So I won two tickets to Jeju Island on a pizza box today. Based on the reactions and help I got from my Korean friends, I think it's legitimate o.o
The whole trip will cost about $175, and will include a hotel, some food, and a free rental car. (that's $96 tax to the Korean government, and $50 for the puddle-jump to the island, plus some money for a taxi to the airport)
I can confirm the trip any time within the next two years, but Hyewon and I will only be here until December. I haven't confirmed the trip yet, but I know that if I save my money, I can afford it if she splits the bill with me. I mean, I called Hyewon about it (at 5:30am her time) and she said she would go with me, so that's awesome.

To God be the Glory. He gives and he takes away. I gotta be honest: I pray these blessings will continue.

Now, the problem I run into here is how to deal with my parents. I have the feeling that they will NOT approve of me going to Jeju Island with Hyewon. They don't have the same confidence that I do in my ability to abstain (which is a rule, so no ideas out there). Now, on one hand "Just don't tell your parents";; on the other hand "Your parents will be suspicious as to the whereabouts of that $175, and how will God continue to bless you if you aren't following his commandments by 'honor thy father and mother'ing?"

A rough estimate, I would say I have about 2 to 3 weeks to think about this before things get hazy for lack of time (transportation prices go up. etc.). so I'm not doing anything hasty. I was under the impression earlier that I had to do it all tonight, but I don't. So I'm going to have to get in touch with Hyewon tomorrow and clarify that.

Anyway. That's just great. and to top things off, FFXIV just emailed me about beta testing X) X) X). If my laptop can't handle the beta, I'm gonna get the code anyway and give it to Shane (along with the solemn responsibility that he must play the game and find problems with it so that it's perfect for me when I buy a legit copy).

Oh man.
...
Oh man.

"Dieing to our prejudices. Dieing to ourselves. living forever."

It's a little bit early in the evening for me to be posting, but I don't have much else going on tonight. In an hour and a half, there is a big mandatory pizza dinner I will be going to.

Today was great. I didn't do a whole lot, but it was good anyway.

I had plenty of time to myself in the room. Most of it was spent on the computer, but it was restful.

I had only one class, Chemistry, and it was cancelled. I went back to my room and checked Facebook. Lani was on. I almost wanted to talk to her, but I didn't, because I don't know what I would say. As soon as I saw her name I felt disdainful and sad. I might still need lots of time before I talk to her again. Fortunately for my mood, however, she signed off soon after and didn't try to start a conversation with me lol.

I did some more emails and then Hyewon came online. We Skyped, and it was really good to see her face in motion again. She told me she wanted to tell me something, but wanted to wait until she could say it in person. She seemed pretty happy about it, and when I asked if it was good or not she said "maybe" in a thoughtful way. I think things with us are good, and I feel especially content about the whole thing.

However, she let slip to me that my mother tried to tell her about my sleep condition. "Tried" is the key word here. Hyewon had written down a few words to look up later, but from what I could gather, it seems like she acknowledged what my mom was saying but didn't really get it... or my mom got frustrated and stopped explaining. Anyway, that made me a little bit mad at my parents. I should be the one to have told Hyewon about that, not my mom. I had to explain to her that it pretty much isn't an issue anymore. I am going to have to talk to my mom about that.

"To a place where they would feel like they are falling, falling quickly in it's way."

Things are going well. I'm super tired and haven't had much or any me-time since I've been here. I miss my family, Hyewon, Gavin, and AC.... and maybe some of the guys at Letu, too.

Tomorrow I only have one class, but it's early in the morning, so I'm just gonna take that and then go back to bed. God willing, I will get good and rested tomorrow and be able to face the groups with more energy later.

I think I'm in sortof a cycle with regard to Hyewon. I try not to think about her because I'm worried. If she says yes, then great. But if she says no, then I will be sad for a little while, but I will get over it. It's the wait that's killing me, and the more I worry about it, the more I set myself up for heartbreak. I wish she would just give me an answer, but I don't want to press it out of her because she needs to focus on her English and her plans for the future, and I can respect that.. but as soon as she gets to Korea and out of her rut, I plan on bringing it up again. I know that will be in October, but maybe it's good.... somehow.... If she doesn't give me an answer at that time, then I think I'll just consider things with her over and stop the whole thing; use my free weekends to sleep and study.

Oh well.....

"Something something something chingu-ibnida."

Soo... Pizza Hut here gives unlimited beer to anyone who buys a pizza.

I'm rooming with two Koreans and a Mongolian, and I feel like I'm making a terrible impression on them.... I guess I don't have too good of a reason to think that.... but anyway I hold them in pretty high esteem from what I've seen of them.

I slept pretty much all day today. I woke up in time for church and then went back and took a nap right after. The Korean whose desk is next to mine has adware on his computer, and I would like nothing better than to fix it for him, but his computer is all in Korean, so there's little I can do. Also, Korean computers don't seem to have "open in new tab" as a right-click option for links.

I need to get in touch with Drew and talk about getting Statics class to be offered here. The prof is pushing to teach it to us harder than we are pushing for him to make it available.... well, it's available, but it conflicts with differential equations.

Tomorrow, class starts. I have Physics, then DiffQ, then Korean Class. I haven't been able to schedule a time to meet with NK yet, but I want to... I still miss Hyewon. ... what will become of that... God only knows.

"Thanks for saying so."

Didn't post last night because I was up late facebook chatting with Hyewon.

Made me wonder about things on campus. So, I have another issue to work out in my head on my blog.

So I was thinking about my previous decision to pursue the girls here, I think I should reconsider now that I know the girls alittle better. These seem like really nice girls here, and I'm kinda sick of complicated relationship networks. I would rather just stick with one girl... forever. Furthermore, what if I get into a relationship and then Hyewon all the sudden says "Yes". Then I will just have to drop everything. So, I'm just gonna not make advances with any girl until Hyewon gives me an answer, or until October, whichever comes first. Besides, I shouldn't be jumping into anything.

Now, the question is, how to be friends with a girl without any possibility of leading her on and without having any awkward conversations about how I have a girlfriend, but I really don't, but I still can't date because she might be my girlfriend.

As resolution to this problem, I told one of the girls who I wasn't particularly interested in (not that she isn't a good girl or anything, just I think she's a senior and much older than me, and afaict there's not much potential on either end) most of the story, and I'm counting on her relaying it to the other girls in the dorms. I avoided having to tell it twice, even though the topic came up very precisely in a conversation with another girl. If things go well, all the girls in my circle will know the story without me telling them and I'll be able to be friends with all of them without issue.

On top of that, the classes I want to take are lining up very well so that I will only have one class Friday morning... but I'm going to be busy all day Thursday... but this way, when Hyewon comes I will be able to go hang out with her in Seoul. I can leave Friday afternoon. The bus arrives Friday night. I can leave Sunday morning or Saturday evening and make it back with time to sleep before Monday. October is just such a long ways away... And, if things don't work out with Hyewon, I will have long weekends, and I will be able to explore Seoul whenever weekend I can.

Also, Lani tried to facebook chat me. I was afk, so I missed it, but I probably would have talked to her if she was still online. Then again, I might have only talked to her to tell her I don't think I want to talk to her unless she really wants to talk to me... because I still kinda respect her and I think if she needed to vent.... well, whatever.

"But I can't eggyo."

Today we did some more seminars, ate some more food, etc. It was fun, though. I found the piano on campus, and I played that a little bit in my spare time. I should be meeting Somang soon, and resuming piano lessons. Maybe when I come back to LeTourneau, I will know more than just my 5 songs lol.

A certain pretty Mongolian girl approached me today. She and I have been exchanging glances the past few days, but I'm not entirely sure what to do about that. I mean, I don't think I have the energy to be working at anything with any girls right now. She gave me her contact information today and said to be in touch. I guess it's only polite.... but whatever, right? Idk if it's cool for me to be thinking about other girls while I'm waiting for a response from Hyewon anyway. What's the rule with that? I apparently was too willing to wait with Lani, and not willing enough to wait with Gabi. Any advances with the Mongolian girl, even if I have resolved that it's ok, seem like they would just be emotionally exhausting.
...
I'm just gonna go for it. [listening to Copeland, just got done listening to Escape the Fate.]

NK just got here. I wonder what she thinks. ... I should stop asking those kinds of questions. What is the correct thought-process in relationships? The last thing I want to be is a drama magnet.

Well, this song is almost over and I timed it so that the playlist would end right when I have to go to my next thing, so ttyl.

So I've been at HGU since Monday, and it's pretty nice here. It seems to be getting cooler, but it's still hot and humid enough to be uncomfortable.

Had my first experience with the Korean's early, early morning prayer (which is going to be mandatory for all non-exchange students... so not me, but maybe I'll try to attend anyway.) It was nice. I think God's been kinda convicting me during this trip about not completely trusting him, so I'm working on that now. I know he's in control of the situation with Hyewon. I'm forcing myself not to think about her too much. Signs point to her being kindof a "player" (excuse the expression) anyway... and I don't like those kinds of games. (although God-knows I really want things to work out between us... I feel like I've written this before)

Listening to Postal Service now. A presentation slideshow played parts of "Such Great Heights" which really put me in the mood for that.

The community showers here make me uncomfortable, but I haven't had to shower at the same time as anyone else yet, so I am ok for now. I've been getting more comfortable with it each shower, maybe by the end of the week I won't be completely bothered by it anymore. Then again, I've heard that there won't be community showers in I-house, and we are moving there next week.

The food here has been getting progressively more weird, but I've made a point of eating kimchi with every meal to help me get used to it. The rice is a life-saver. A chopstick-load of rice dulls the taste of even the craziest flavors. Speaking of which, after the last meal I had, I think I've forgotten how to use a fork. It was the first meal since I've been here for which chopsticks were unavailable and I had a really awkward time eating it.

I wonder what things are going to be like when Hyewon gets here in October...There are lots of good looking girls here, but Idk... I haven't really felt inclined to pursue them. I guess there's just a lot going on. I can't multitask very well, and girls take a lot of energy.

Oh well... it's about time for bed.

"Thanks for the wink."

I'm in Korea now! :D I spent the first 2.5 days at Gana's house, which was great. She and her family were great hosts. Her dad says I'll be a success in Korea because I "eat Korean food well". I'm writing this from the college while the necessary software to transfer pics from my phone installs. I might skip breakfast today.... in fact, I probably already have skipped breakfast... no, nevermind. My phone is setting itself an hour late. I have more stuff than most of the other people who came here, but I packed everything on the list and probably don't have to buy anything new, so I guess I shouldn't be "too" embarrassed... although I did end up trashing a few things which I couldn't find reason for packing.

Been thinking a lot about Hyewon... I'm not sure how to approach girls here. I'm kinda waiting for a response from her, and I don't want to engage in anything which I will just have to cut off even if it works. Well, I hope things with her work out, and I hope I don't have to wait until October to hear her tell me "no". I wonder what she's thinking.



Here, I wrote a post while I was on the plane:

-------------------------------------------------
Date: 8/19/10

Left home today amid a flurry of warnings and prayers from my mother. Dad went out and spent a ton of money on a nice pair of hiking pants. (By "a ton" -- probably about $75) Idk, they're really nice pants and all, but so expensive. I guess I needed them. They have more than enough pockets to secure all my stuff.

Listening to Owl City right now. "On The Wing" just seemed too perfect to pass up.

I think I've already talked about the drinking age in Korea, and, well, the stewardesses are totally cool with me drinking wine on the flight... so I'm not sure if it's cool for me to give a positive about that online, but....

I sent my last text to Hyewon about two hours ago. It just said "Ok have a good nap lol. I'm in the terminal for korea now. Thanks for coming this morning! see you in korea:)" I'll I can't turn on my phone at all during this flight. [[the lights just went out in the cabin. 8 hours of flight left, and I'm just not tired. Maybe it was the two cups of coffee... lol. dimming monitor]] Hyewon and I snuggled pretty close last night, and we talked about whether or not we aught to be in a relationship or not. I specifically said "boyfriend and girlfriend" this time because she didn't get the connotative meaning behind "relationship" in my last (super awkward) attempt. Things went alot better this time. She knew exactly what I was talking about. She said that she wanted to think more about it before answering, but she seemed to be in favor of the idea in principle (not sure if I'm using the expression "in principle" correctly here, but you get the idea, right?). She asked me some questions that I honestly had kindof a hard time answering; like "why did you and Gabrielle break up?" (which is such a ridiculous story that I hate telling it just out of embarrassment), and later, we were kindof rehashing a subject we'd talked about earlier (maybe "rehashing" isn't the best word, because it was a pretty pleasant discussion, but it's all I've got right now); she was talking about how lots of people in Korea get plastic surgery and how she wanted to. (specifically, double eye surgery and a nose-job) I told her I thought she shouldn't, and, of course, ended up having to explain to her how pretty she was(is), which I was unprepared for at the time. Let's just say I'd like nothing more than a second chance at that,. She asked me to define beauty, and half-way accused me of having a generalized opinion of the appearance of every Asian girl (in a non-joking way), which I had a hard time proving false, but I think I did so satisfactorily, because she came back and leaned on me some more. lol, we were tossing compliments back and forth and she said that I looked like Piglet from Winnie the Pooh, which completely confused me, but after some clarification on her part, I think she -actually- meant it as a compliment. She said it just meant "cute", but.... well.... wtp.

I got to tell Gavin "Happy Birthday" but he called me, not me calling him. I would have forgotten and then felt absolutely awful otherwise.

Early Birdie is playing now. It kinda conflicts with the dark and sleepy atmosphere of the cabin.

*yawn*... speaking of sleepy... I'm really sleepy.

"'Till morning?"
"Forever."

Tomorrow is the big day, so this might be my last blog for a little while.

Lani answered a question about me on facebook, and as much as I am curious to find out what it was, I don't want to bother people all over the place with answered questions to see it.

Hyewon and I have been really close lately. She is unbelievable. We've been snuggling on the couch and stuff. It usually starts with something like "I'm cold" from her; [I get her a blanket]; "still cold". (cheesy?) lol. We haven't really kissed or anything, but she fell asleep on me a couple times and I kissed her cheek and then went and put a blanket over her and left for my own bed. I'm still a bit confused about the whole thing, but I feel like there is some kind of understanding that is hanging just out of reach over my head. Probably something cultural that I'm not getting... Idk... at this point, I'm not sure I care. I'm just happy I get to hang out with her. I could go on about her being great or something. God is still responsible for the whole thing, and any emotional connection we have is by-no-means a product of my own virtue. I am pretty much constantly making stupid mistakes. Therefore, I'm confident that God is in control of the relationship, and I keep praying that God will do what is best for it.

She gave me a Korean name, since the Koreans might have a hard time with the "Z" sound in "Zac". My Korean name is "재영" (Jay-Yong). It means just "something good" like, it's really unspecific, because "Jay" has several (positive) meanings and "Yong" means something like "always" or something like that. I could be getting it wrong. Whatever. I'm happy about it.

"Aren't you uncomfortable?"

Things went ok at the party. I don't know what to do about Lindsey. Idk, I am having a really hard time getting myself to talk to her. Maybe my hearts not in it. Maybe we have nothing in common.... Idk... She's a really sweet girl, and I think we would get along great married, but I can't see us getting along very well just dating hahaha. That's kinda weird. I guess it isn't so hard.... *kinda frustrated "hmmmm" sound*

Ducky keeps trying to talk to me, and I like the guy but he is annoying the CRAP out of me with all his religious ostentatiousness. I have tried talking about it with a few people and I have been accused at least twice of trying to "snuff out his fire" or whatever; trying to dampen his religious enthusiasm. It's just that, he is ending all his posts on facebook with verses, which is cool if he is trying to witness to people, but the verses are irrelevant to anything. I mean, take my friend HDJRII for example: he posts verses, but it's all things that matter, and he is always blessing people and encouraging. That is good. Ducky, on the other hand, is putting pretty much random verses into everything including his texts, and he has even changed his facebook profile to 'Brother John B II', and his picture is now a picture of the symbol for the Bible college that he is continually babbling about. He doesn't mention his college without emphasizing the word "Bible" in advance. "Hey guys, I start my first semester at BIBLE college next week." "I'm so glad I'm going to such a great BIBLE college." "We should keep in touch while I'm at BIBLE college." I don't like talking to him right now, and I can't talk about it because people like you are reading this right now thinking "How judgmental!" etc etc etc.

So, last night I tried to talk to Hyewon about the relationship and... well.... little did I realize in advance that the English language is extremely unspecific about that kind of thing, and she had no idea what I was stammering about till towards the end of the conversation. I kinda got the message that she didn't want to have a boyfriend until after she gets her school situation worked out. However, when I asked her if she had a boyfriend (I was confused) she said that she didn't but that she had been on a couple of dates with someone. I asked "who" and she said "someone". I think she wasn't talking about me, but I have taken her tons of places... so what's "dating"???? The only thing I wanted to do this morning was apologize for the way that conversation went and how awkward it was. I took a walk early this morning because I knew mom would wake up first... but to make things more confusing, when I got back from the walk, I hung with Hyewon a little more and she was sitting really close to me, putting my arm around her, holding hands, all that kind of stuff. I plan to ask Gana about Korean boyfriend-girlfriend culture very soon, because I know she has an America boyfriend and might be able to give me some insight on the situation. Ugh, girls are so confusing. I wish the relationship field wasn't such a game and everyone could just be completely and unadulteratedly open with each other, without fear. Things would be so much easier, and for all I know, I could already be married by now if that was the case. I just hate it. This is dumb.


*sigh*
...oh well...
She's got me wrapped around her finger and she probably knows it. It just kills me the way she shakes her head when we stop touching.

"Shut..up."

So I sortof resolved things with Hyewon last night. We stayed up late correcting some of her old English essays, looking at old pictures, and holding hands watching TV :). I don't get to see her again 'till tomorrow night, and I leave on Thursday. I guess all that's left to do is 'seal the deal'; to ask her to be my girlfriend. *excited* I want this because I like Hyewon, of course, but especially because I have a few Korean friends who are girls and who I will be spending some time with in Korea and I don't want to have to worry about whether there is potential to be with them or not. It's alot easier to have safe friendships like that when you're taken. I remember it was like that when I was with Gabrielle. The only thing I really have to think about (besides worrying that she might yet say no 0.0) is how to ask. Idk, I feel like "would you be my girlfriend" is kinda dumb, and the phrase "go out" in any context is unspecific. Well, either way. Tbh, somewhere in the back of my head is a question about her motives.... that's really dumb.

To make things better, I found out it isn't going to be just Gabrielle and Lindsey at my house on Sunday when Hyewon gets back. There will be a bunch of other people too. That way it's not just me, my ex, and the hypotenuse (20/70? 10/80? 5/85?). Still awkward.

*deep breath*
Fresh air and relief.

I'm gonna go drink some marble soda.

Warped Tour was awesome! Dillinger Escape Plan blew my head off. We left early because we were hungry and also Tyler got pissed at Stevie, but it was all ok because I got a special edition CD from DES signed and I got a signed poster to send to Dan :D

The camp was great, too. I'm exhausted. Today was tender, when we had to say goodbye to all the kids. I kept a journal while I was there, and the following are the entries as I wrote them (I'll probably tear up the paper copies. lol)

----------------------------------
Day 1 8/9/10
The two kids assigned to me are Neal and Benito. Benito came to camp with the rest of the kids, but Neal was delayed, and I think that was for the better. Benito has been tons of fun and likes to play pirates. I'm glad I had 1 on 1 time to really get to know him (in accordance with the camp "two deep" rules, of course). Benito is very compliant and easy going (but plays hard). I like him alot. Neal is an extremely reserved boy, but is also very polite and organized. I mean, like, he is almost alarmingly polite and calm and compliant. He doesn't lack free will, but has not acted on it so far except when we explicitly ask him to. He is also very focused and driven. He plays the piano with intermediate skill and I have heard stories about how he ran 20 (or 50?) laps around the cabin last year after a joke about how the rest of the boys had too much energy and how they should run it off. He plays piano without moving his eyes away from directly ahead, and without blinking. My curiosity (as well as my contentment) piqued today when I saw just how much medicine was given to him after lunch. He always says "yes" and "no". He's like a perfect kid. Idk. Anyway, I'm eager to see the rest of the week, so I'm going to sleep.
----------------------------------
Day 2 8/10/10
Had lots of fun today, and I felt like I really connected with Neal. He's opening up alittle more. However, I am having difficulty connecting with Benito, or maybe I'm just afraid. I feel a slight distance between us, but I know he still likes me a lot, and he's a lot of fun. Maybe I'm just being silly. I guess we'll see how it goes tomorrow.
I really enjoy hanging out with tony also. he seems very mature for his age, and my impression of his insightfulness is continuously yielding greater and greater values. I should REALLY stop hanging out in the badger room and spend more time asleep... Speaking of which......
A.T: Oh I got some really sweet letters from the kids this morning, especially Benito. Neal wrote one, I think, but I won't get it 'till tomorrow.
Also, Tony made me a necklace w/ my name on it today. It's really cool.
----------------------------------
Day 3 8/11/10
Benito and I connected much better today. He had an emotional moment when another kid bullied him while in line for seconds at lunch. The other kid got a talking-to and I scratched Benito's back and talked it over with him a little. He was still down when one of the camp grandmas came and gave him a hug and walked him back in with me. It was too bad. He had been saving me a seat in between him and Hyewon, and we lost the seats. After a conversation I had with the kids about girls and girlfriends, they picked up that I have a crush on her. :/
Neal was really great today, he played piano with his sister at the talent show. they kinda forgot the song on stage, but they "sounded great! I couldn't tell you made any mistake because I don't know how it's supposed to sound." and Neal was ecstatic. When I said he was an excellent piano player he smiled and said "I know."
Benito did an awesome routine on stage where he said he'd been practicing magic for thousands of years and that he had a very special trick. They played it up a lot and then pretended to pull off his index finger. Surprisingly, some of the kids at the camp had never seen that trick! All in all, today was a success :)
-------------------------------
Day 4 8/12/10
I can't really see what I'm writing tonight and I'm stuck using a pen because I lost my flashlight, but today was great. I feel like I connected more with Benito and Neal and they both had a great time. I also got to spend some time with Tony, which was cool. He's a great kid. I wish I could prolong my involvement in their lives, but alas... I can't. It's going to be hard to say goodbye tomorrow, and I can only pray that God used me in their lives somehow. I intend to keep the letters these kids sent me forever, and tomorrow I intend to choke back my tears and send the kids off with excessive amounts of praise and encouragement.
Last night I had a dream which I haven't had in a long time. I have had it (I think) twice before. Once around the beginning of my sophomore year in high school, and once around the beginning of my senior year high school. In the dream, Zane (my old youth counselor; he's dead as-of last year) is dead (I guess this was the first time it was actually true) and his spirit was telling me all the things good and bad about me. He was angry at me and I was asking him for a hug but he wouldn't give it to me. Finally, I said I would do something so he wouldn't be angry at me and I did it and it worked and he, reluctantly, hugged me. weird?
--------------------------------

That's it. God bless you if you read this far lol (well... and also if you didn't. haha)

"You are a Leno Ba Neno. Keep up the good work."

Hyewon has moved in. We found out some more stuff about her landlord. Turns out he's doin shady business, so mom says she might try to take some legal action. I am opposed to the idea because I feel like we are giving in to the American stereotype that sues over everything and not to mention, we aren't really helping anything... Idk. I'm opposed to most legal action. I don't like the judicial system or half of our legal codes and whatever. I don't want to get into it in detail tonight.... but whatever.........

Hyewon is actually sitting next to me, talking on the phone now. It's kinda late, and I should really be getting to bed because I have to wake up for Warped Tour tomorrow. D: But it's cool. I got lots of sleep last night and the night before, so I can probably operate on just 6 or 7 hours tonight.

That's all to report ;)

"You're a tumbler; I'm a thermos."

Ugh, I was just organizing my external hard drive and I found this list I made a while back. The date in properties is last September, most recently saved on December 14th. It might just make me grouchy for the rest of the day.

Here's the contents (copy and paste):
"
-road trip cross country--> hang out with truckers in every state we cross.
-some movies you havnt seen. i dont remember which ones.
-that board game... oh yeah! mancala
-a bear hug
-pooh sticks
-time capsule with a journal and some stuff
"
DELETED! (lol hsr reference)

Today I went to the dentist again. The filling I got yesterday was more sensitive than it should have been, so I got it changed from silver to amalgum. (It's called amalgum, right?)

Today I did that and took the bus home, but this time, instead of missing my stop I missed my transfer and ended up walking about 5 miles home. It wasn't too bad, though. The weather was nice, I had a frappucino, and the stop-sign-lady in front of the elementary school made good conversation while I waited for traffic at one point.

I spent a dollar today out of obligation. It was one of my cash dollars, leaving only 9 for the offering plate. I put the rest in my Bible so I won't have it when opportunities come up.

Hyewon moves in tomorrow. Warped tour is on Saturday; Hyewon cant come. Sunday I go to work at the troubled kid's camp. Idk why I signed up for that.... I mean, I think it's good to help out, and I will do it cheerfully, but... well... I shouldn't think negatively about the task at hand. Things like this aren't meant to be easy, and one must take the bad with the good.

I feel like I have more to write... but I can't immediately remember what I wanted to write. I will ETA later if I think of anything.

"This is the place. Remember it?"

Today I got in touch with a few old friends, and I saw some strangers. I walked about 2 or 3 miles because I missed my bus stop on the way home from the dentist. I had to get a filling, and I'm sensitive to cold and stuff.

Mom's conversation with Hyewon seemed pretty harmless, but she keeps telling me more of what she and Hyewon said, and the more I know, the more uncomfortable I am with it. I want to hang out with Hyewon again soon, but I am afraid I won't have an opportunity. God is doing some weird things in both our lives all the sudden. I am learning more and more about her situation and it makes me wonder if I am in over my head. Then again, mom and I don't communicate very well.

Anyway, I'm just gonna keep going like I'm going. There are a lot of things I want to do with Hyewon, but there just isn't time. Ice skating, water park, kite flying, putt-putt, swing set (I still haven't found any swing sets in SLC). Anyway, my immediate disposition yields that things could be better.

On the other hand, I'm super tired right now, and I have been known to get alittle depressed when it gets this late. Oh gosh. I'm done.

"What the hell, thank you!"

Went to SLCC for what might be the last time ever yesterday. My final average (since I skimped on the last few homework assignments) was 98.5, and that is the grade which I will get on the final.

Today I saw Hyewon and she was exhausted. She has had less sleep than I have and didn't get to sleep in today like I did. Hyewon and mom had some time to hang out alone (on the way to a job interview that mom was helping Hyewon with) and I'm alittle afraid of how what mom said might have misrepresented me. She told me just a few things about the conversation, and I didn't tell her she was wrong for talking to Hyewon like that... but I wonder if I should explain things, and how I would if I did. I'm not gonna worry about it. What's done is done, and if an opportunity comes up, I'll jump on it.

Speaking of opportunities, I need to text Hyewon and ask her if she can still make ice skating. She said there might be a schedule conflict. ... *texting* ...

I am beginning to feel the goodbye in me. I am so close to my trip to Korea. It's in 16 days. I prayed a lot of thanks today, like I hoped I would, and I got cash that I didn't end up spending (ironically, a tenth of my income. I think God reads my blog and opened that up for the offering plate this Sunday). What else..... I talked to Gavin for the first time in a while. It wasn't a great conversation like we've had in the past, but it was about as good as it could be given the time spent and the nothing happening.

Hmmm... I think that's it for today.

"Not estranged to regret; not estranged to what follows our faulty steps"

Today I got a lot done, but I feel like I haven't done anything.

I got a new bank account. I did some research into my "EasyRefund" card thing, scored about 100$, asked Hyewon to go ice skating with me on Wednesday (she's coming, but we might have to reschedule on account of her finals; tba,) worked alittle on Korean, talked to my brother :), learned how to make an Asian-ish-style stirfry (to cook for Hyewon later. I still owe her a home-made dinner,) did lots of work on the computer, including making the switch to Windows 7 Pro, and I did alittle bit of cleaning and organizing.

My brother made an interesting point. He agrees with me that my situation with Hyewon is optimally conducive for us being together, and he also agrees with me that it's risky for me to make any moves. However, he also said that the balance of power in my relationship with Hyewon is crazy leaning toward my side, meaning she might just be going along with things I say because of the situation with her moving in with us and all that. I really hadn't thought of it that way, and tbh, it makes me kinda uncomfortable (like, more than I already am). Dan said, (stressing that he is speaking from a strictly American cultural perspective,) that it's probably a good thing that I've chickened out so many times with Hyewon, and that I might do best to wait till we are in Korea, so that we will be "on her turf" and so that the balance of power will be more level. ... I think he's right, and I honestly feel alittle relieved because that means that maybe I'm not completely dead-beat for following my gut. I've been praying off-and-on for God to make my relationship with her work out in a way which will be the most mutually beneficial, whether we end up together or not.

I think that I was alittle depressed yesterday because of how tired I was. I will have to avoid going so long with so little sleep. However, I'm impressed by how well I managed in the mental instability area. Maybe because I'm not stressed. I don't really remember all the triggers. Then again, I haven't had an episode for almost 2 years, so either I'm overdue or I'm growing out of it.

On another note. I still need to work on my prayer life. I plan to spend some time tonight and tomorrow thanking and praising God. After all, things are going well for me, and I don't want to only pray when they aren't. I'm confident that they are going so well, in part, in answer to prayers which I or others prayed before. Therefore, it's only fitting that I show my gratitude to God somehow. ... I know God likes gifts... maybe I'll do something for Him with that money I got.

"Nobody sees things that way anymore. Just hold your breath a little longer."

I went on that hike yesterday to doughnut falls :D it was awesome. It was about a 30-45 minute hike from the parking lot, and then light rock-climbing up the side of the a waterfall. At the top, there is a cave that we could go in where the water came through a hole in the ceiling. It was just gorgeous. I will be posting some low-Q pics on facebook soon. lol.

After that, we all went to Hyewon's friend's house and had some food. There were 8 people with us, but 6 of us stayed the night. We watched a movie, I learned that the drinking age in Korea is 20, but since they count age starting with 1, it's really 19. I knew that before, but Hyewon told me it was 21 in Korean years so I would have to wait until next year anyways. Interestingly, the average life-span in the RoK is about 1.4 years older than in the USA. It was an interesting party :)
That night, Hyewon and I stayed up alone to watch a Korean movie. I joked with her that it was terrible (because the plot was, in fact, lacking), but it was a fun movie and I enjoyed it a lot. She and a friend of hers slept on a mattress and I slept on the floor nearby. Hyewon tried to steal my pillow a couple times and I got in kindof an awkward hand-fight with her. Every now and then we would end up at a "stand-still" holding hands, and then we'd both half-laugh and pull away. After that, she slept with her hand hanging off the bed towards me, (in a way which seemed rather deliberate) and I really wanted to just grab it and hold it, but I was afraid because of the way we had been pulling away from each other earlier. I still don't know for sure what the outcome of that kind of risk-taking would have been... but she had had a drink and either way I would have felt like I was taking advantage of her somehow. (even though it had been an hour or two since then and it was definitely worn-off by then)... Hyewon and I joked that we have been hanging out for 4 days straight. Today I went to her church, and then she went home and I went home. She isn't with me immediately.

Lindsey texted me a couple times during the time I was with Hyewon. I felt bad because I kept forgetting to check my phone and there would be like an hour in between texts, and Lindsey was obviously alittle nervous about the way the conversation was going. She kept apologizing when I would talk too long to respond. In fact, her most recent text (something about how she thinks working at VBS will help her with "what she wants to do" in the future,) has left me without response, and it's been about 24 hours. I have no idea how to respond. I think I remember her saying she wants to go into child-development when she gets older, so I am not sure if I should ask what she wants to do. Also, I'm not sure if I should respond with something flirty or not, because previously we did nothing but flirt and that's all I know how to do with her, and that conversation wasn't funny. I let slip to Gabi that I wasn't sure if things with Lindsey could go anywhere if we didn't have a serious talk eventually, and Gabi might have said something to Lindsey, but I doubt it because Gabi isn't normally like that. Furthermore, I want to respond with something that will maintain a friendship without allowing that the relationship can go anywhere anymore because... idk.... my heart's just not in it anymore.... but I don't want to hurt Lindsey's feelings.

Mom plans to have the Highschool Bible-study girls over while Hyewon is staying with us. That might prove to be super awkward. Mom says she thinks it would be beneficial for me for Hyewon to see the caliber of girls who are interested in me (because Lindsey and Gabi are pretty great girls). I had a conversation with mom about keeping my relationship issues with me and not intervening with girls on my behalf ever unless absolutely necessary or unless I ask her to (at my own discretion). I've known she had a habit of that ever since early highschool, but I honestly didn't realize just how awkward it was until my senior year, when she talked to Lani's mom for me without telling me. That was a disaster, and, without getting into the circumstances exactly, I played it cool, but probably shouldn't have. That was kindof a wake-up call for me.