Ok, so thinking about what Shane said in comment to my last post...

I keep thinking that there's a chance I can still be friends with Lani. It's been like a year, so I'm definitely over the damage, but there's like a lingering weight in my chest when I think about her, and a nervous hesitation when I respond to her comments on Facebook, and a slight depression whenever I see pretty much anything having to do with her.

I can't decide how to approach a friendship with her. I can't think that she is the person I used to know, because she never was. I can't imagine that she is a new person who I am recently getting to know, because the only first thing I have to base our friendship on is that she's a liar.

Anyway, tonight, in the spirit of Proverbs 16:33, I've decided to put it all into a coin toss. Heads, I resolve to never bring up what she did and push down whatever lasting animosity I have in pursuit of a friendship. Tails, I defriend her on Facebook and Myspace, delete my old Xanga account, remove her phone number from my American phone and eliminate all record of conversations we've had via email or Facebook comments -- basically do my best to make it as if we'd never known each other. Either way, I resolve to never bring it up again (the resolution, of course, only involves me bringing it up, though. If someone else starts the conversation about it, I'll talk.)

......................

It was heads. I'll never bring it up again, and I'll approach the friendship as if she'd never lied to me. I've suppressed emotions before, and I'll do it again. To my readers, whoever, if I mess this up, please call me on it.

My pants have a new tear, and need a new patch.

I went to Jukdo Market today and ate silk worms, octopus jerky, and peanut-bread; all street food. The guy I was with owns a dog and said he wouldn't take me to eat dog. He's really interesting, and knows a lot about different countries. He'll make a great grandfather to some lucky grandkids someday. lol. I met with 지혜 again. It was me, her, and a mutual friend(guy). He's a Yankees fan, but not really a Red Sox fan.

And I paid my phone bill!^^

"We thought we were alone, but we had just started."

지혜 and I wrote a pretty long research paper tonight. Like, we started from scratch and her topic was "why Christian colleges shouldn't require Christian courses". It was a pretty ridiculous essay. That's kindof an impossible topic, but we made it, and we kindof made it work (although our arguments were a little weak and our articles might have been slightly misquoted.) It's the first time she's asked me for help, so it was pretty fun. I gave her her present, nice and wrapped up in my special brand of wrapping paper.... notebook paper with drawings all over it... And I made her promise not to open it until I was gone. I realized over the past few days that 지혜 is always surrounded by guys who have crushes on her. ㅠㅠ

I am going to make NK a goodbye card sometime soon. I still owe her a gift for missing her birthday. NaKyoung wants me to do all the work in making a plan for the Seoul trip. It's cool, but she lives there and she refuses to recommend places. She says I have to research and generate a schedule on my own. I'll be staying at her house for a day before I get on the plane to go, so she says she had said that she wanted to tour Seoul for me that day. I wonder what she's thinking. She's really bothered me lately. Always mad at me for stuff I can't change and that doesn't really affect anyone, always telling me I should be doing more than I am doing (with regard to things that don't matter), always telling me what matters and what doesn't... and then she comes right back and starts talking to me playfully again, and the more I let her argue at me the more she comes back and wants to talk and hang out more --But I can't be mad at her, because she seems to feel that I am in debt to her because of her teaching me Korean. I guess I am, but I didn't know there were strings attached when she said she'd do it for free. Nothing's free. I'll be a little bit relieved and confused after all of this. ... How does she perceive the situation? I can't tell if she's serious or not. Maybe I'm just not grasping her humor. I'd reciprocate and argue, but I'm having trouble bringing my arguments down to her level of English speaking, so either I have to constantly explain myself (which just makes me feel guilty for talking over her) or I have to have really really slow responses. Either way she wins.

Lani, Lani, Lani.... this morning it suddenly struck me to wonder if Lani's boyfriend knew that she was leading me on during the whole first year of their relationship (well, I'm still a bit unclear as to whether or not they were in a relationship for that whole year. Her answer to that question was ambiguous, but I'm like 90% sure.) I wonder if she told him after the fact. I wonder if he knows about my existence at all. I wonder what strings still attach me to her, keeping me from unfriending her on Facebook and other sites, lol. It's pretty obvious that everything she told me was a lie. She's telling him that she loves him now, and I've realized that she's got that same view of "love" that everyone else does, that it's a feeling you get. I used to think love was eternal, and that it would wait forever, patiently, unwavering, and forgiving. I was wrong, and she was right. We, as humans, are incapable of real love, so we invented the useless word to convey a mixed variety of semi-similar feelings, all of which are brittle and naive. ...maybe a better phrase for that thing that an old, happy couple has is "strong attachment".

AAAAH weeird and girls. Why can't there be any normal, good girls around me? I decided I'm just going to rule out LeTU girls altogether, because I refuse to marry someone I've only known for one year. I've ruled out Dugway girls, because I never want to spend another night on Dugway as long as there is breath in my body, and Dugway residents all have family on Dugway and seem to someday want to return. I'm ruling out girls who will go to a bar with just one guy who isn't their boyfriend (at least), and I'm ruling out girls who dress really scant all the time. ... that doesn't solve Lani... but how do I avoid running into anymore girls like her? ... Maybe I should rule out girls who are depressed when I meet them, too, but I don't want to end up with a ditz... aaaaa, Idk. The only logical approach I can think of to avoiding girls like 지혜, who are swamped with guys, is to avoid really really pretty girls. ... That's not gonna happen. Maybe she's out of my league.. but she's amazing.. What am I supposed to do? ... and NK... I don't know if she's even bad. I just can't tell what's going on in her head.

...

I studied my Korean vocabulary today, but I didn't study the grammar thing that the teacher wanted us to study, so I didn't pass the quiz, because I didn't realize that's what was going to be on the quiz.

That's all that happened today.

"I saw 'Sweet revenge' being written out by the hand of my enemies, and I saw fear in their eyes."

Preparing a list of bands for the flight home. So far, here are the bands and albums I'm keeping on my laptop for travel (as opposed to leaving them on my external hard drive).

/*
-band
==album1
==album2
ㅍㅍsingle
*/

-재주소년
==Peace
-Circa Survive
==Blue Sky Noise
==On Letting Go
-Copeland
==Eat,Sleep,Repeat
-Dillinger Escape Plan
==Calculating Infinity
==IRE Works
==Miss Machine
==Self Titled
==Under the Running Board EP
-유도리
==Unreleased Album
-Escape the Fate
==Dying is Your Latest Fashion
-Iron and Wine
==Lovesong of the Buzzard
==Our Endless Numbered Days
==Such Great Heights
==The Sea & The Rhythm
==The Shepherd's Dog
-MGMT
==Climbing to New Lows
==Congratulations
==Oracular Spectacular
-Owl City
==Maybe I'm Dreaming
==Ocean Eyes
==Of June
-Ratatat
==Classics
==Ratatat
-The Killers
==Hot Fuss
-The mars Volta
==De-Loused in the Comatorium
-The Postal Service
==Give Up
-The Seatbelts
==Cowboy Bebop (Vitamin C, Blue, and V.2)

ㅍㅍ8 or 9 HH&R&B singles for which I don't know the artists.
ㅍㅍSimple and Clean, and Sanctuary from the Kingdom Hearts soundtrack.


I figure that aught to cover any mood I'm in while I fly back. Suggestions welcome.

Today I thought of several things that I wanted to blog about, but I can't remember them. I'm blogging early tonight because I'm excited about criticizing the Chinese government. It's kinda hard for me to collect my thoughts with this music playing, but I don't want to stop it at the moment.... Anyway, I read this funny article in my Yahoo News Feed today:

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20101205/ap_on_hi_te/as_china_wikileaks

About how China government officials are proud enough that they'd demand rash action taken against anyone who criticizes them. Too bad. Seems that the worlds most powerful countries are governed by proud, dishonest, and irrational people.

Lani initiated conversation with me on Facebook. It's a weird feeling talking to her, like a beaten dog being offered a treat from a strange rescuers hand. Conversation is simple, but weak and hesitant. Like I don't want to talk to her, and I don't know that we even have anything in common to talk about, but the conversation is happening, -no matter how small- and I'm a little bit afraid of losing contact with her again. I want to slowly work a friendship back into existence, and believe me, it will be very slow. I feel an almost tangible wall between us, especially on my end, and I wonder if I'll ever trust her again, but I really want to be friends...
Oh wow, that paragraph was surprisingly heavily influenced by the Simon and Garfunkle song that came on right when I started writing it. lol my music library is really bipolar. ㅋㅋㅋ Shuffle isn't working well. I'm just gonna listen to MGMT ^^ I'm still on an MGMT buzz since I downloaded that album. It's been MGMT, D4C, Renard, Ratatat, and some assorted singles.

My blog is long enough now that if I press the year to view every post, there's still an "Older Posts" button on the bottom.

Zac N. wants me to read some articles. I'm really bad at that kind of thing. I feel like I'm generating clutter in my mind with no immediate application. I know it'll be good reading for Christmas break, but I also know that there's a good chance I won't have time for it then.

I realized earlier that our motivations for changing ourselves and the world around us are different, mine and his. He's got a very similar life to mine, but he seems to be motivated by some kind of odd justice in the direction of blind rebellion. I, on the other hand, am motivated by semi-nihilism and a distaste for everything in the direction of blindly wanting to destroy order. His sounds much more noble than mine, yeah, but they are essentially the same thing, and there's a deeper realization in mind which allows that both of us work to improve the world.

See, there's a perfection in disorder. It's similar to anarchy, but without all the negative connotations: Government is only necessary because the world is not ideal. If the world was ideal, we would govern only ourselves, with a market operating transcendent of economics in a state of mutual gain with each party doing exactly the work they enjoy, and all toe-stepping would be accidental and resolved immediately. Am I wrong? However, the world isn't ideal. There are criminals, and there are power-hungry governments who lie to the whole world at once on a regular basis. The world will not be ideal until it is over. The best thing is to uphold your moral principles as if the world were ideal around only you, to do the work you enjoy, and to either destroy governments, or stay off the grid --not to give in and perpetuate their evil by becoming a part of them (even if it is a good government while you're alive, a good leader's children are often neglected). It's the same with corporations. The only exception is if the work which you enjoy requires that a governing body provide it for you, in which case you should work to defeat the evils within the corporation so that you can be completely in good conscience. Sometimes, in transitioning to perfection, there are periods of chaos which can be perceived as bad. (To teach a child, you sometimes punish him or her. To bring about God's perfect will, sin has been allowed to enter the world. When I die, it will be painful only for a moment.) This is the good chaos; the necessary "evil"; the justified means to a perfect end.

"Who's the poet? Who's the lucky star?"

All is well with the world! Wikileaks is not down! However, our government, which has boasted it's transparency, is embarrassed by transparency. Enough so that they have issued a loose warning to students who post links to Wikileaks and read it's content.

http://news.antiwar.com/2010/12/03/state-dept-warning-students-not-to-read-share-wikileaks/

It's too late for me.

http://213.251.145.96

There's the IP. If everything else changes, that aught to stay the same.

I removed my account on Amazon. No hard feelings, they were one of my favorites :'(

Tomorrow I have to wake up early, so I'll try to type fast. I have to write two blogs tonight because I missed last night and a lot has happened.

Last night I went to the Jimjilbang (er... i think that's how it's spelled?). My friends had all told me that it was not only a great experience, but also that it was an essential part of being in Korea. When I asked them "what happens there?" all I got was "well... it's a bunch of naked men taking a bath together"... And that's essentially what it was. Lots of naked men taking a bath. However, it was a lot better than that, and they were right, it was a really relaxing place! There were four different pools for different temperatures (no "average". just cold, really cold, hot, really hot). There were towels available which we could use to get our dead skin off, showers, a massage area, a foot-massage area, a sauna, free soaps of all different kinds, and a room full of mirrors and lotions and cosmetic stuff! There was even a whole room just for drunk people to sleep off hangovers, complete with cold showers and puke-irrigation. On top of that, it's the type of place where you stay all night, food is available for purchase, and it's much cheaper than a motel. And I should note, the "really cold" was REALLY COLD and the really hot was like, if you move around too fast while you're in it, it hurts a lot, and if you stay in too long, you'll probably come out actually burned.

Anyway, that was cool. Before we went there there was an end of the semester party. Best food I've had all semester. It was amazing. I filled my plate twice and then continued to snack, probably amounting to 3.5 full plates of rich, good tasting seafood and weird fruits and vegetables. I wore my new jacket, and got lots of compliments. It's a pretty awesome jacket. I sat next to Chowan, which was great because she's awesome, but I felt bad because 지혜 and I were exchanging glances all evening and she had to leave early so we didn't talk, and she was with some other guy, too. To make things worse, Chowan called me to sit at her table, which managed to put 지혜's table immediately between me and the performance stage, with 지혜's chair facing me perfectly. It was a little awkward, and I'm really curious to know what she was thinking. Anyway, we're meeting on Monday to go to kindof an opera/concert thing. I hope all goes well.

NaKyoung got mad at me for a number of silly reasons today and was really laying on the "I'm angry at you, but I'm just kidding, but I'm really not kidding" pretty thick. They were all things which I had no control over... but Idk, the issues seemed to me to be kindof classic misunderstandings between guys and girls. Honestly, I feel like can't make my friendship with her sound legitimate in any context because she's treated me rather poorly, but somehow with her I don't mind so much. Maybe because I've known her for a long time. Maybe because she taught me Korean. Maybe because I used to have a big crush on her. Regardless, to make it up to her, I offered to try and take her on a fun date sometime next week. Something unique and special, because she said I never invite her to do things when she isn't busy. This time, I told her that no matter how busy she is, she has to stop for the date, and I'll try to make it worth the lost homework-time for her (which is kindof a tall-order since she's taking something like 21 credit hours). I will have time on Friday to go to Yukgury and explore on my own for good, unique date places. I hope I can make things work then.

Zac N. and I are shaping up to be an interesting team. I wonder how well everything will go in the future.

I have to memorize a verse in Corinthians for creation evolution class. Aside from that, I think I will do well on the test without trying too hard. I hope it doesn't prove me wrong. My other classes have been much harder than that one.

I am kindof hurting for money right now. I still haven't mailed that letter, because I didn't find the time. I'm gonna try to get it in the mail on Monday, and tomorrow I'm gonna try using my debit card in Mejam.

I should be going to eat Dog meat on Tuesday, and I've heard it can be pricey. I'm gonna try to get my friend to help me foot the bill so I can save money to pay off my phone company. These things usually have a way of working themselves out. The worst thing that could happen is my suitcase goes overweight and the airport at Incheon doesn't take my debit card... But it probably will. The card company said that usability in Korea is "hit-and-miss", so I'm going to be naive and hope fervently that airports are "hit".

"He spends his time, or maybe half of his time, or part of the time wandering 'round the creeks and cobble stones of hackney lanes with a tear in his eye"

NK said she couldn't come through helping me this Saturday. I can only imagine how busy she must be, because this would only take an hour or less and can be done at any time during the day, and we could get food on the way if she had to... I feel a little bit hurt by it. One half of me says I should be more reluctant to help her with her homework from now on, because all signs point to what Roger has been saying all along: "she's using you". But on the other hand, I think that if I help her despite myself, then I will only have to swallow my pride for two more weeks before I leave and I will do so with a clean conscience. After all, I told her I would help her anytime she needed me.

I got stood up by Chinaman today. He was by the stairs on the first floor after dinner. He said he had forgotten and gotten food elsewhere, and seemed to have been waiting for me by the stairs. He apologized profusely and said we could meet on Sunday. I've been intending to meet with him for a while now, but it's especially important to me since he became a Christian. Maybe this delay in our meeting will give me time to find out his real name. lolol. I ended up eating with Gana, which was great that she was there, but it was a little bit awkward because they stopped their conversation for me. I felt kinda bad for intruding, but she asserted that it was ok.

Then, I was in Mejam and I saw this pair of socks that said "I miss you" in Korean, but with the "cute" suffix. On the way through checkout, there were a ton of people in line behind me, so the lady told me in Korean that they were girls socks and asked me if the size was ok. I said it was alright and they were for my friend, and she was like "oh, your girlfriend!" (in Korean) and on my way out she called back to me to stop thinking about my girlfriend because I had forgotten my coffee, and sure enough I had left my coffee on the checkout.. I was kinda embarrassed by the scene, and I was speaking very broken Korean, but I was kinda surprised at myself for being able to understand her^^ And the socks are kindof adorable. I'm gonna ask my roommates if they think it'd be a bad move to make a gift out of socks, and if they give me the ok tonight, I'll give them to 지혜 at lunch tomorrow. My roommate's opinion is kindof important to me, because I've been wrong about what's acceptable in the past, and while most people blow it off because I'm white, I don't like the looks I get when I don't follow their social rules. If it's not ok, I'll just keep them and give them to someone later.

On the way back to the dorm from Mejam I saw all the intl students going out, and it sounded like a party, but yet again I wasn't there.

I wrote that letter to Lindsey today. Mom's been saying it'd be wrong if I didn't send her anything back after how much they all know I love snailmail. It's just that I've only recently learned how to send mail here, and I had nothing to say in response to what her letter said about being jealous of me and Hyewon. I talked to my friends about it here, and they said I should be more disgusted by the way my mom tries to influence my business... I'll try to send it tomorrow.

If I had to rate today on a scale from one to ten, I'd give it a 6.5. So high because of MGMT and because my Peacoat came in the mail this afternoon and brightened things up for me. I'm excited to wear it to the party on Friday. It'll be weird, though, not being able to raise my arms above my head without raising the shoulders. How do people dance in suit-jackets??? Idk, The first half of the party is supposed to be a formal event, so maybe there won't be much dancing.

"You convince yourself that you want it but you don't know. You keep trying to wash the blood from your hands but it won't go. 'We're gonna keep you on the run. We've got the hand-shake under our tongue'"

My roommate just took my sewing equipment. I'm glad I've made an impact on him hahahaha.

Hojun introduced himself to 지혜. He says I need to act quickly and carefully, and that he's rooting for me. It was a nice confidence boost hearing that from him, and my trusty interpreters said that she's using "cute Korean" in her texts (like, Korean has different suffixes for different contexts; formal, informal... and I guess certain slangs are for being cute), and Kamsa gave me permission to take that as a good sign. Who knows. She hasn't exactly ruled out long-distance relationships, but I am not sure at all how to approach any conversations with her about that. All our meetings are just perfect... ... this is gonna be either the best thing that happens to me in Korea, or one of the worst.... or we'll just stay friends and it'll never matter. idk.

I read something today that I haven't read in a long time. I don't know what keeps me attached to those old dead memories. All I got from it was frustrated and a little depressed. It doesn't really matter anymore, and I'll never have what I had back then.
"What was stolen from us we can never regain"

*sigh*

hmm...

I downloaded all MGMT's albums today. I can't imagine why it took me so long to get that idea, but I'm quite happy with it. The songs on their album, Climbing to New Lows, make me want to find out who's writing their lyrics. The album has a lower bitrate than their other albums, and a much less complex sound than the rest, but it also has a remix of Kids, so I also want to learn the order with which the albums were put out. ... I don't want to do it now. I just want to finish this blog and get some more yulmucha before I go to bed.

I didn't play chess today, which is a little bit weird, because I've played like 6 games per day for the past week. Idk why, but lately I've been a total chess addict. My roommate says that I'm at the point where I'm pretty good, but I'm not going to improve significantly unless I start reading strategies. I believe him, because he also says he's got a 3rd place metal for checkers which covers Russia, Mongolia, and I think also China. I'll have to ask him about it again later. He doesn't have the metal here, but why would he lie to me about a checkers metal? Besides, I've seen him play online and he beasts the board like you wouldn't believe.

"We are alone. The world is not our home."..."We feel a pain that we cannot explain. There are no words to be heard."