지혜 and I wrote a pretty long research paper tonight. Like, we started from scratch and her topic was "why Christian colleges shouldn't require Christian courses". It was a pretty ridiculous essay. That's kindof an impossible topic, but we made it, and we kindof made it work (although our arguments were a little weak and our articles might have been slightly misquoted.) It's the first time she's asked me for help, so it was pretty fun. I gave her her present, nice and wrapped up in my special brand of wrapping paper.... notebook paper with drawings all over it... And I made her promise not to open it until I was gone. I realized over the past few days that 지혜 is always surrounded by guys who have crushes on her. ㅠㅠ

I am going to make NK a goodbye card sometime soon. I still owe her a gift for missing her birthday. NaKyoung wants me to do all the work in making a plan for the Seoul trip. It's cool, but she lives there and she refuses to recommend places. She says I have to research and generate a schedule on my own. I'll be staying at her house for a day before I get on the plane to go, so she says she had said that she wanted to tour Seoul for me that day. I wonder what she's thinking. She's really bothered me lately. Always mad at me for stuff I can't change and that doesn't really affect anyone, always telling me I should be doing more than I am doing (with regard to things that don't matter), always telling me what matters and what doesn't... and then she comes right back and starts talking to me playfully again, and the more I let her argue at me the more she comes back and wants to talk and hang out more --But I can't be mad at her, because she seems to feel that I am in debt to her because of her teaching me Korean. I guess I am, but I didn't know there were strings attached when she said she'd do it for free. Nothing's free. I'll be a little bit relieved and confused after all of this. ... How does she perceive the situation? I can't tell if she's serious or not. Maybe I'm just not grasping her humor. I'd reciprocate and argue, but I'm having trouble bringing my arguments down to her level of English speaking, so either I have to constantly explain myself (which just makes me feel guilty for talking over her) or I have to have really really slow responses. Either way she wins.

Lani, Lani, Lani.... this morning it suddenly struck me to wonder if Lani's boyfriend knew that she was leading me on during the whole first year of their relationship (well, I'm still a bit unclear as to whether or not they were in a relationship for that whole year. Her answer to that question was ambiguous, but I'm like 90% sure.) I wonder if she told him after the fact. I wonder if he knows about my existence at all. I wonder what strings still attach me to her, keeping me from unfriending her on Facebook and other sites, lol. It's pretty obvious that everything she told me was a lie. She's telling him that she loves him now, and I've realized that she's got that same view of "love" that everyone else does, that it's a feeling you get. I used to think love was eternal, and that it would wait forever, patiently, unwavering, and forgiving. I was wrong, and she was right. We, as humans, are incapable of real love, so we invented the useless word to convey a mixed variety of semi-similar feelings, all of which are brittle and naive. ...maybe a better phrase for that thing that an old, happy couple has is "strong attachment".

AAAAH weeird and girls. Why can't there be any normal, good girls around me? I decided I'm just going to rule out LeTU girls altogether, because I refuse to marry someone I've only known for one year. I've ruled out Dugway girls, because I never want to spend another night on Dugway as long as there is breath in my body, and Dugway residents all have family on Dugway and seem to someday want to return. I'm ruling out girls who will go to a bar with just one guy who isn't their boyfriend (at least), and I'm ruling out girls who dress really scant all the time. ... that doesn't solve Lani... but how do I avoid running into anymore girls like her? ... Maybe I should rule out girls who are depressed when I meet them, too, but I don't want to end up with a ditz... aaaaa, Idk. The only logical approach I can think of to avoiding girls like 지혜, who are swamped with guys, is to avoid really really pretty girls. ... That's not gonna happen. Maybe she's out of my league.. but she's amazing.. What am I supposed to do? ... and NK... I don't know if she's even bad. I just can't tell what's going on in her head.

...

I studied my Korean vocabulary today, but I didn't study the grammar thing that the teacher wanted us to study, so I didn't pass the quiz, because I didn't realize that's what was going to be on the quiz.

That's all that happened today.

"I saw 'Sweet revenge' being written out by the hand of my enemies, and I saw fear in their eyes."