Roger hasn't responded to me asking him to delay sending the file. I guess as long as I can try to get it before Saturday, and especially if I can get him to give it to Chowon before then. If I can't, then I'm gonna need to get it from him before Friday so I can replenish my bandwidth.

I thought I had more time to do this assignment for EPM, and I don't, so I'm gonna be up really late working on it tonight.

JiHye stood me up for the Skype meeting today. Problem solved. I was wondering how I was gonna get around that. She's really awesome, but I want to just have a crush on one person right now.. even if it means choosing the wrong one.......

But God's been pretty clear lately about convicting me to be more single-minded about things like this, so I'm just gonna take that and run with it. God, you know best.

"Though it is possible to perform two-way linear interpolation, it is much easier and more accurate to use the factor formula or a spreadsheet function."

It's important to differentiate between wants and needs. I need sleep, I want to go drink some coffee and hang with friends all night.

Talked with Chowon again tonight. We watched a movie together and I was really surprised by how fun it was over Skype. I could see her the whole time we watched the movie and her reactions to some of it were just adorable. We're watching an action movie next week if I can get it over skype from Roger. Thanks to LeTU's internet restrictions I'm having the worst time trying to get it. I'm going to refrain from using the internet for two days so I can be sure that I have the 1.9Gb I need to get this. I hope Roger is ok with that plan. I should really set a time with him to do this.

I'm gonna go facebook Roger and then go to sleep.

"So whenever I'm sad, I think of that"

I feel like my ears are about to bleed. I know exactly what to think, but there are nonsense ideas finding their way in from all angles. It's easy to tell right from wrong, but sometimes hard to pick out fact from fiction.

Lately I've been thinking about my worldview. Why do I prioritize one thing over another? That is, with so much "random" chance involved in every single thing that happens how can I decide that anything will do more good than anything else? Without God convicting me of what is best in every single case there must be some underlying presupposition -- specifically for tonight's purpose, about the balance between "everything is meaningless" and "everything has value". I think I've considered this same thing in a previous blog to no avail. Maybe it's something I'll never know. Sometimes I wonder if it would be better to shut out introversion or consideration for the world and live a shallow life (because ignorance is bliss). But a good friend told me a long time ago, "don't stop thinking," when I asked a similar question. It doesn't seem like a very well thought out command, but you'll have to take my word for it when I say that it was, in context.

hmm.... I've rewritten this paragraph a couple times and.... now I'm really hungry, but I don't have food....... I'm gonna go check the kitchen.

"I saw God but I don't know what he said
because my heart was not open"

ah that wasn't so bad. Gabrielle and I kept our distance, and we ended up having another heart to heart (somehow I expected something like that to happen) and all is well. She's sleeping in the living room and staying tomorrow (Who planned this?) and I think it will be fun nonetheless. Tomorrow it might be difficult to get my Skype in with all the talk about travel to Midvale and whatever. I'm sure I'll figure something out.

It's 4AM and I'm sleeping in tomorrow. Goodnight.

"Your turn"

Today I hung out with Dad all day :D Much fun. He showed me around the neighborhood. I finished downloading Full Metal Alchemist for view @ LeTU. Saw Chowon on Skype and sent her a message "good morning chowon!". It was like 11:45 there. I know she does Skype on her phone, so as an experiment, I tried to see if I could remove it (right click remove). It disappeared and now I can't bring it back and so now I'm afraid theres this "message from Zac removed" on her phone..

Oh well.

Watched the Red Cliff Part 1 today, Part 2 is for tomorrow (if Gabbi is up for it.. if not, maybe I'll download it for school).

Self-diagnosed psychoses are almost never taken seriously. Why waste time trying to introspect?

"Generating new values."

Latest song I'm listening to over and over:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CvPhagZwNuo
I always thought it had an awesome beat [danana danana danana danana] but I wouldn't listen to it because I don't like Timberlake. IMO this cover added just the right "heavy" to fill out the sound and make it ok to listen.

Also recently fallen in love with the band BassNectar X) X) X) Four albums added to stock.

I keep seeing Chowon signed on to Skype and I want to say something to her, but I don't know what to say because it's so late at night. I'm ok with staying up late talking with her, but I'm afraid since I'm so tired I'm gonna say something stupid. I already feel like I'm not doing well making conversation during our Skypes, but she talks well and always has something interesting to say, so I like that about us.

Gabrielle and I meet in two days, and I'm not exactly sure how to lead into saying that this meeting is to be completely "friends" and platonic and simple. I think it'd be presumptuous for me to say I don't want to lead her on, but based on her communication the past few days, I really think that might be what's happening.

The Differential Equations class that I missed for that damn EPM meeting covered second order Leplace Transforms, and as a result, I can't BS the homework. People I've talked to unanimously agree that the book is unreadable. I texted a friend asking him to scan and send me a proof for me to study, but somehow I don't think it's gonna happen. I'm pretty sure Shane is feeling animus about something, but as usual I can't tell what. I'm frustrated with his lack of communication, and the more recent events sink in, the less I trust him. That's not a good thing, so I intend to have a heart-to-heart with him when I get back.

I can't seem to find a balance between pride and shame. Is this a common struggle? I am insecure, so I build myself up using positive reactions from people around me. Then I get proud and act like a jerk, so people's reactions become negative and I tear myself down. Maybe I'll find a middle eventually, the trick will be staying there.

"a slap on the wrist"

Oh man... homework homework homework homework. I'm just gonna watch some shows tonight and then go to sleep. Tomorrow it's gonna be differential equations all day, but if I can finish it, I won't have anything for the rest of the week--maybe get Shane to email me the rough draft of that English Comp II assignment I'm supposed to be working on. I'm ahead of the game with that assignment, but if I have time to write it, I'd be doing myself a disservice to not write a little.

Phonecall from Chowon today. It makes me really happy that we're in such great contact.

Trying to download all of FMA Brotherhood over the break. The torrents are moving extremely slow. Like as slow as 10kb/s. There just isn't enough seeding online for them. I plan to leave the computer on and working on it 24/7 until I return to LeTU, and if I can't get them all down before then, I might just have to install itunes to use Jimmy's workaround the torrent blocks. bleh.

It's 10:05 and for some reason I am very tired. It's been like this for a while now, really tired a lot, but I guess I didn't think to much of it because I was staying awake purposefully during school. I wonder what I can do to combat it.

Oh well, time to watch some shows and go to sleep.

"And all is well if the ticket sells"

Today's been pretty rough. Started the day by inconveniencing Jessica, asking her to drive me to the airport. I made it to Colorado and then my flight got cancelled. Now I'm in a hotel. All the while, my mom was telling me to check in and do things that I was already doing, which was kindof frustrating. I know she cares about me, but she still treats me the same way that she did when I was 16. I tried confronting her about the way she hasn't been communicating with me, and how she hasn't been sticking to what she's been saying about giving me that excess loan money that she said she'd give me a long time ago. As usual, when I confront mom I get a half-hour or more lecture about how I'm ungrateful and a million excuses which she obviously just game up with off the top of her head. "I told you I'd give you the money on Monday, but I didn't say how much of it, and I didn't say when I'd give the rest" -- which, even if she didn't make it up on the spot, is still basically lying. I confronted her calmly and respectfully at first, but I guess it takes two to argue, and I'm just as guilty as she is. I'm sure we'll make amends sometime soon...

"We're working hard!"

Talked some more with 초원 tonight. It was a little bit weird because my sister and her friend were here with me, listening to the conversation, but I think it went well. We're gonna try to watch a movie together on Skype. We'll download the same movie and start it at the same time, I think it will be fun :)

I'm at my sister's place, and tomorrow, early, we have to leave. Mom is hard at work trying to get my flight confirmation number. This has been the worst planned trip I've ever been on. I hope I never have to deal with this kind of planning and poor communication again. Next time, though, if it's my money, I'll be buying it myself, so I won't have to rely on Mom and Dad to make plans for me. I'm not even gonna go into all the things that went wrong.

I got a call from Dan today, and that was really nice. He says he and Steph miss me and want me to come over for summer. I'm totally up for it. I hope I can make that happen :D

"Everything organic"

Bleh. I told a friend my password. That was really dumb. I've been doing lots of really dumb stuff lately, I think.... Not that I don't trust him, but I don't want that password being out in the open. -- and I can totally see him changing something or like deleting my account if I post something that crosses one of his moral lines. ... Oh well, I'll just have to change passwords soon. Too bad. That one has lasted me several years, and I'll be hard pressed to come up with another 12 character password.

Weird how two people will think of each other at the same time. It happens to me a lot, where I will suddenly remember someone and then either I will get in touch with them and they say "Oh, I was just thinking of you" or they will get in touch with me and I will do the same. Liu Hayan posted on my wall recently. That was one of those things.

Looks like I will get to talk to Chowon tomorrow after all. I'm staying at my sister's place tonight.

Today I was thinking about how a person's level of willingness to be open about their feelings is sometimes directly proportionate to the strength of their emotions toward that person. Like the way I think about Chowon. Ok, if I were to be absolutely honest, (and I'm gonna defeat the standard I just set by going beyond what I'm inclined to be willing to admit), I'd say I think about her a lot, and I am worried that it'll be impossible for there to be a future for us, and I don't even know what she thinks of me, and I hope she comes to America so I can put more effort into a relationship with her than I did while I was in Korea. But, would I say that to her, or to anyone else, really...? Even though I think those things, I normally wouldn't even let myself acknowledge that I was thinking them. I'd just push the thoughts aside and try not to dwell on it, and it'll be that way with any girl until we are in a real relationship. I mean, I guess I just put it on the internet for everyone to see.... you know, Idrc who reads this anymore.

The way I see it, the things that happen on this earth are divided into three categories: sin, not sin, and grey areas. And really just two, because most or all grey areas can be resolved into the other categories by a close examination of the circumstances. That's all that really matters in the world. Our physical possessions, our self and public image, our reputation, even our relationships apart from God are all temporary and ... well ... they aren't really worth anything in eternity... All that said, I think it's impossible to not care about all of these things at once. We're programmed to want to be with people... I try hard not to care about public image and reputation much, but I know I'm one of the worst in that area.

The project worked all 3 times and we got 2nd place *score* but we wouldn't be competitive in the regionals, so maybe we won't keep it up. I'm going to leave it to our Project Manager, and just say I'll follow whatever he decides.

Talked with Chowon a little on FB chat. I hope I will be able to contact her via Skype this Saturday, but I will be at my sister's place. I think it will be ok. If I can't swing the Skype appointment, I can call her and tell her about it (I hope).

A little bit worried about transportation. Pray for me.

Shane has some cool videos on his phone.

I have a project management midterm tomorrow at 8:40, which means if I get to sleep immediately, I will have 6 hours and 10 minutes of sleep to work with.

I haven't had the opportunity to practice piano in 2 days. I'm so close to having this song perfected, and I think I could do it with just 4 more hours or so (or at least have it performable in 4 hours). I will practice it tomorrow.

Mr. Jonah, the head of procrastination at LeTU, says he "has a phone number" for the guy who's supposed to fix their pianos, and that he intends to call the guy "soon". If he doesn't do it, I think I'm just gonna put my first paycheck into a tuning kit and some new strings and fix the darn things myself. I've come to his office multiple times this semester only to get the same answer every time, and last year I came to the previous head of the music department multiple times with similar requests. This semester, none of them have been carried out. Of the two acoustic pianos in the practice rooms, one of them requires that you slam the keys to get any noise, and the other has a harsh buzzing sound behind some of the keys. The spear chapel piano is missing a string and the pedal is not working well anymore. The piano in the village center has a bad hammer, so one of the keys hardly works. The piano in MSC doesn't have a working dampener (afaict). The MSC piano might be the best one, but there's always people there so it's not really good for just practice. And finally, of the two pianos in the green room, one is out of tune and difficult to get sound out of, and the other is tuned weirdly and just has a funky sound that kinda ruins slow songs.

Basically, the only really good piano is hiding in the back room of Belcher, and anyone who isn't performing immediately risks trouble if he or she plays it.

.... Ok, I'm done with my rant.

"A little bit of respect goes a long way"

Oh my gosh, this pear I'm eating is straight-up awesome. I wish I had more of these....

Today I remember the dream I had during my nap and I remember project management. That's about it.

The project is going well, but it only works roughly 2/3 of the time, and we have to have the box and the magnet and the wheel perfectly adjusted or nothing happens.

I need to call my mom tomorrow and find out if I will be available on Saturday night. I don't want to miss Skype with Chowon.

The dream I had during my nap was of a few of my friends sitting on a concrete wall about as tall as up to my shoulder, looking down to me smiling. It was a really good, simple, short dream, and when I woke I wanted to go back to it.

I should take better advantage of the help available to me.

I have really high hopes for the future. If God will continue to bless me, I hope I can continue to complete tasks given to me. I feel like I'm always just hanging on to my goals by a thread, but I'm making good progress, and God keeps the thread strong.

I got in trouble today. I wonder how that will look on my record, or if it will go there. It's kindof a scary thing, getting in trouble, but they say it won't hurt too bad.

"We were the best."

Today was pretty good. I got kinda glum after the frisbee game; the other team had bad sportsmanship, and I kept getting advice yelled to me, even though at the time we were making goals and I had already caught the frisbee twice >:(

But whatever, it's a game. Dana gave me a hug and bought me jalapeno poppers, and that kinda helped me cheer up. After that I went and played piano until I was back to my normal self. That one girl with yellow eyes was there. They're like bright yellow stars, and it's hard not to stare. But Idk who she is, really. I don't plan on putting much effort into getting to know her. Ian and Tyler and Dana and Abbey and that whole crowd are great people, but they're a bunch of drama. Besides... I'm still trying to focus.

Tyler M is planning to propose -- that's really exciting ;)

수렴

That's the word Google Translate gave me for "Convergence". I intend to ask Tae Young about the exact translation, but it's one of those useless words I'd like to know.

"Let me be filled with the sounds of your grace and mercy."

Ah, that was just what I needed for my mood.

Sitting in my room, door closed, headphones on, not available for conversation, not open to the world right now. I'm not feeling well tonight.

Idk if it's just because I've wondered often when it would come, but I am beginning to notice that feeling again -- the one where I don't want to be here anymore. It's early, but I've never left a place like this just to come back to it.

Idk.. maybe it's just what's been happening lately, solidifying in my mind that I don't belong. I'm always a little bit worried that I'm making a bad image, but people usually assure me that I'm not. Then again, I am pretty bad at taking hints. It could be that I'm at a disadvantage having been gone all last semester...So, well, I don't have a roommate next semester. Tyler, maybe my closest friend in the dorm besides Shane, says he doesn't want to room with me or anyone else here. I understand why; we have very different personalities and I might annoy him a lot. I could try to change his mind, but it would mean losing some dignity. I didn't really want to room with David ring, but I asked anyway. He doesn't. The way this will work is, if you can't find someone to room with, you won't live in the new dorm.
So I look around at the crowd of people in my dorm who don't have roommates: only people who are either leaving (Tyler) or don't mesh well with others (CHD, Joseph). Maybe I should just leave. I'd probably fit well with the trinities; I have lots of friends there... and I was invited to Thomas before.... no. I'll take whatever roommate I can get this semester so I have a place to stay next semester, and then I'll pledge. I have good friends in AO, and I've been invited in before.

Well, I have to Skype in like 10 minutes...

Play Chords in Music - wikiHow

Play Chords in Music - wikiHow

*Score*

I've been searching for like two hours for just a basic explanation of what the symbols on chord sheets mean. I've got two friends who say they'll teach me piano. I should really get in touch with them. Idk why I haven't yet. I'm sure I'll get to it eventually. Well, it's 12:50 and lunch closes at 2, so I'm gonna go eat.

Tomorrow I have EPM at 2:00PM, Skype with Chowon at 11:00PM (it will probably go until midnight) and then I have to work at 4:00 AM the next morning. I'm not officially working because of something with my signature. Idk, I think I'm doing everything wrong since I got accepted for the job. I was clueless at orientation, making a fool of myself -- but there was little I could do to resolve it. And at shift signups, I asked around and they said I could use a picture instead of a signature, because some people do that. I used a star because that's what I often use for signatures at the dorm, but the lady who tallies shifts or whatever didn't know it and didn't put me on the official shift list. Maybe I'll get paid overtime? I don't think that would be honest. I'll just keep taking things as they come and hope everything works out.

Oh, and to top off tomorrow's schedule, I have to write a 5 page essay due on Monday, because I wrote the wrong essay. ... on the bright side, that means I'm ahead for the next essay.

Ugh....

Gabbi pointed out to me that I am still emotionally damaged. I think I'm better the way I am now, but the learning process has definitely left me with baggage.

I told the girl from new years eve that things aren't gonna work out. She still wants to see me this spring break. I'd like to accommodate her, but I don't think it's gonna happen. I have lots of plans, and I think this is gonna be a full break.

Realization always seems to be staring me in the face. What's mine is never mine -- I have to share the future. My definitions are still selfish, but that will change next year when the government sends me maturity. Sometimes I think that if I had complete control over anything ever, ever, ever, no matter how small... I might be consumed trying to orchestrate it.

God allows a coin toss to be random out of love for us; an 8 can only tell someone what the water already knows... each cresting wave can tell us exactly where that last stone fell, but it can't tell you whether or not your next throw will skip. When we follow something fallible, it leads us to folly.

"You already are"

Jihye finally got in touch with me. She said she wanted to Skype, but then cancelled the appointment. I don't have another one with her. I'm just gonna let her initiate contact for a while. I sent her a few emails she didn't respond to before, so it's definitely her turn.

I'm becoming really cautious of people who seem perfect for me. The last girl I knew who did everything right was Hyewon and that didn't turn out well. Jihye seems to not really care much. There's a girl here at LeTU who seems to do everything right, too, and I'm thinking that nothing should come of this, because those tend to go awry. That brings us to just one person. Right now, I'm pretty much sold out in like with Chowon. If she makes it to America, I'm gonna ask her on a date or two and then ask her to be my girlfriend. From here out, I'm gonna take Morgan's advice and focus my attention on developing a stable friendship with just the girl I like, so nobody gets lead on. I think what we have with the Skype appointments is great, and I think that after a while, if we can turn that into a solid, stable long-distance friendship, and if she gets to come to LeTU, we'll have the foundations laid for a working long-distance relationship. ... I'm thinking really far ahead. I wonder what she thinks of me. I don't know what's clear and what isn't. It's always like this, I'm just gonna go for it.



I wonder what she thinks.

"You're tense."

It's kindof like having nothing to keep you down or to keep you from leaving; no roots beneath your feet. If you were stuck in one place, you'd try to take the sky down with you (like a tree takes as much light as it can and only branches out further and wider toward it's goal -- like it's eating the sky), but you're free to forget; free to ignore whatever you don't like. You'll be gone sooner than you normally admit. A stray dog, wandering everywhere, weighing the consequences, defying it's loyal nature by necessity alone. You eat the scraps and take anything and everything you can get. If you relied on anything before, you don't now.

Oh well.

What does an animal dream about if it doesn't have an imagination?

"Should you return, you are my Sunshine."