Today has been a great day and a crappy day at the same time. I really love it when that happens, because it give me a chance to diagnose what was good and what was bad, to weigh them, and to decide whether it was really all that bad. Especially when something happens that is both good and bad. Makes me want to get down and draw some graphs --and I totally might if I hadn't just got done with physics.

So I woke up tired. I tossed and turned all night, dreaming about people being disappointed with me. I worry about that too much. How do you stop worrying about something like that? (story of my life). There are too many logical trains of thought for which the only outcome is that I shouldn't care at all what other people think. Why then, is it so hard to not think about it. It even effects the way I dress, which is just stupid. I mean, as long as I am clothed it shouldn't matter. I really don't have any pants that don't match my shirts (because they all look like crap to begin with).

So enough of that. LEGOs was ok, but after that cerebral palsy video I had had enough of the guilt trips. Then, having chapel right after that, I actually got mad that they showed the scenes from Passion of the Christ where Jesus was getting beaten half-to-death. But seriously, they do their best to shock us out of our systems at every single chapel. To traumatize us with as horrific a spectacle as they can muster with a week's notice. As if we don't realize that crappy stuff happens, but what can we do? If we haven't gone on missions trips knowing what we know now, more hellfire won't make us go (unless we are planning to go next time, then who knows). Do they expect us to quit school and go rescue those girls in whatever country where all that unmentionable crap happens? I don't know. They just make me angry at the world. It might be cool if they did that to us every once in a while, but seeing it every other day? Hitler said "If you tell someone something every day, they will start to believe it" -- a statement which has been proven by modern psychology according to my highschool dual-enrollment psych prof. All they are doing is anesthetizing us.

After that I went to discrete math. I have a D. I don't understand how I am getting that grade. I study the material. When I take the test, I KNOW the answers. They make perfect sense to me and I recall examples from the book with such a perception of clarity. I am going to ask to see my most recent quiz.

Then I did some physics and went to cosc. That was fun. In fact, after that my day really brightened up. I had a really great time with my Korean teacher at dinner. It was the best time I've had in a while. I really needed it. Before our lesson, we talked for a while and then she was like "instead of a lesson today, lets just check your homework and have some free time, but still learn about Korea". So we did that. She wanted to show me some Korean music. We walked and talked to Spear Chapel, but it was taken, so we went to Belcher and sat in one of the practice rooms and took turns playing songs on the piano. It was alof of fun. like a dream. She sang in Korean while she played, which was just gorgeous. I don't know many songs, but she seemed to like them. It was great, too, because it was "real". I mean, she has a boyfriend. Like, it wasn't under any kind of dating pretense.. Anyway, that was great. Why can't all girls be that way.

"Don't try to swim to shore, because you can't make it back. Say three words like they are the last you will ever speak."

Funny how Someone seems so deep and knowledgeable until you know what they are talking about. (and you don't know what I am talking about)

I have 4 days left of not talking, 5 if you count today. I will not be doing this again.

I wrote my essay for English class during English class. It turned out alright. I got one really bad peer review, and one really good one. Both seemed very emphatic about it, and related details that made me sure they actually read it. I have no idea what I am going to change. Maybe nothing at all.

I talked to an ex girlfriend of mine yesterday, one I still kinda have feelings for. (it was texting, but it was faster than normal. It was more like IM. I know, bad place for a heart-to-heart, but I don't really have options right now) We had a good, long conversation. It was really nice. At the end of it, I mentioned something about how I have been keeping alot on my plate --I was referencing hootenany, Korean lessons, piano lessons, etc.-- to keep from becoming too complacent, and she told me "at least that part of you hasn't changed."

That really struck a chord with me somehow. When she had told me she was seeing someone else, before, she told me that I was changing and that we were growing apart, but she never told me how. I asked her, and I know that she didn't tell me the whole truth. (She has been doing that alot for a long time now. It doesn't bother me as much as it did when I first realized it). She told me that I have "grown up" and become "so focused". I responded, "that's how". and I said that I think I know what she means. I really can't say whether I am a different person in the same way she meant. I don't think I am so serious now, but if anything, more afraid. I know I don't, but sometimes I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. It's hard for me to hear about problems the world has without taking them upon myself, and that coupled with my tendency to plan years in advance (while simultaneously neglecting the immediate) makes for a very fearful person. I say fearful instead of stressed, because stress draws a person's personality thin and causes them to push against thin air with all their might. Like you are straining all your muscles at once but not really moving anything, because you already know and just haven't accepted it yet. It's worrying about things which you already know the way they will turn out. Fear is wondering what will happen. Crouching in a corner and building your tiny bridges to work your way out, hoping they aren't crushed. The further your bridges make it away from your corner, the worse it becomes, because you might never make it back. I am afraid for my future. At this point, if I so much as fail a class, years of my life are taken off. If I graduate college and don't get a job immediately (assuming the economy will only worsen from here), I could become homeless. My entire life rests in the balance of the next few years. If I don't do this exactly according to God's will, who knows where I will end up? I guess it's the same for everyone else here, too...

It's irrational, but yeah, it keeps me on task.

-----------------------This Blog Ends Here-------------------------

[...like two hours later]

-------------------Might as well be a new blog----------------------

oh man! I didn't post this blog, which means I can still write about the rest of my evening.

ok, so I went to church and I heard some testimonies and stuff. As soon as I heard them say "started speaking in another language" I knew something was up. I was totally weirded out, to be honest. I did not expect that at all from this church. --But I have been asking God to stretch me, and here He is... stretching me. So after the service they say some things about baptism of the Holy Spirit, which is totally legit. I know it is because I've personally read the passages in the Bible about it, although several places have skewed the meaning alittle, I think. Anyway, they invite everyone in the back room for a baptism. The people who have received it would dish it out to the people who haven't. They said several things which made sense and I decided to go in.

When I walked in the room, they said "If you have never spoken in tongues before, you will speak in tongues before you leave this room!" which kinda scared me. It was weird, yeah. They kinda worked themselves into a frenzy praying outloud in tongues. People were saying things like "accept God" or.. I really don't know, but what they were saying was good when I could understand it, as far as I could tell. Questions were flying through my mind like "is this really something that God wants us to do" "what if God has gifted me some way that isn't tongues?" and, all of those are legitimate questions. to be honest, I still really don't know if I agree with what happened in there, but I do know that for a while in there, I felt it. Whatever happened was a real thing. I didn't pray outloud, but my mouth was moving without me, and only stopped when I stopped it. Was it the crowd having that effect on me? I really don't know. It was a strange and frightening experience. I know that at least some of the people there, if not most of them are real Christians. I have seen the evidence in their lives. Are they deceived? Their prayers were real. Their emotions ran hot, and I could feel the whole room and everyone in it with my eyes closed. I could feel the heat from their breath and the intensity of their thoughts clouding the air. I prayed the whole time for God to show me the truth in it, was it true or not. Here and there, my mind would go blank, but my mouth was still moving. At least 3 people had their hands on me. I had never received a baptism of the Holy Spirit before. I wonder if that's really what it is. They say that speaking in Tongues is a gift from God. So it is. They say that I can ask for this gift and receive it. I am sure they wouldn't deny that a person without the gift isn't necessarily lacking for the spirit, but "Ask and you shall receive". Why wouldn't we want every gift we could get?

They called it a "prayer language", and they said that when I got home I would doubt it, but that I shouldn't let the devil trick me out of the reality of what had happened. My friend who invites me to go there congratulated me and said he was excited to hear my prayer language next time I came, because I will be able to speak then. I'm nervous and alittle embarrassed, because I doubt so much. I don't want to judge them, because the Lord works however He wants, and it isn't my place to tell them that they are wrong. I think that maybe God did give me that gift when I asked for it, and maybe I should cultivate it alittle, sure --but it isn't a gift I was born with, and I know that I have other gifts which God has given me to cultivate, I think, more than this one.

We have different gifts, according to the grace given us. If a man's gift is prophesying, let him use it in proportion to his faith. If it is serving, let him serve; if it is teaching, let him teach; if it is encouraging, let him encourage; if it is contributing to the needs of others, let him give generously; if it is leadership, let him govern diligently; if it is showing mercy, let him do it cheerfully. (Romans 12:6-8 NIV)

thrown into another bout of confusion. it isnt so bad this time. it's weird that a person can't relate. everything will be made known to us in the end.

So I was trying to spell tarantula on my phone, and the first five letters were rediculous, so I tried pressing each key to make the word on T9 longer and longer until it wouldn't grow anymore. What the heck does varanutlareizusielatreyalurganew mean and why it is in my phone? I tried googling it and got nothing. lol, after this I bet the only site that pops up is my blog. I'm gonna try that when I am done writing here.

Right now it is 9:22 and my roommate is asleep. He has been asleep since earlier. He will wake up for some reason tonight (probably when I go to bed) and it will be interesting if he can or can't get back to sleep after that. He normally naps during the day, stays up late saying he is too awake to go to bed, and then complains all the next day for lack of a good nights rest. He hasn't done that much lately, but the nap today is only the start.

Speaking of my roommate.. lately we have had a small conflict about how he looks at my computer screen while I am doing things. Like, he will seriously read an email I am writing out loud to me while I write it, and then get "mad" at me for telling him to go away. Can he not see how annoying that is?

Yeah, the irony is just killing me.

I had my first mandatory hootenany practice today. I didn't do great, but I didn't do poorly either. I have one of the easier parts. I was chewing on an apple stem on the way in. It was lots better than the normal toothpick I chew on when I am nervous. I think I will do that more often, instead of just tossing the apple stem when I am done. I don't mean I will save the apple stems, just chew on them whenever I finish an apple.

I wonder if God makes people for each other, and I wonder if our parents were specifically chosen to produce us. Like the people who will be alive in the end times are secretly Belgian blue cattle --heh, monsters. I wonder if God is consciously breeding for future generations, by allowing for the complexities of different personalities to come out just right for each other, and for circumstances to happen so perfectly. Or maybe God just leaves us to each other --definitely affecting things here and there-- but maybe there is no one person for everyone else. Maybe we are meant to couple off and make it work with whoever we end up meeting and cliquing with, leaving it up to chance whether we meet someone easy to get along with or not.

It is 9:42. I have been texting while I blog. Now it is 9:43. I will have to do laundry tomorrow, and I need change for a 20. "it burns on the way down" Mom wants me to write her an email about what I have learned from not talking. I think I will do it, and I'l keep it alot shorter than the average blog but I bet it takes her 3 weeks to read it. "it all smells the same"

I read this book recently. The sound and the fury. It was good. It was a puzzle, without a doubt.

I opened the gate and they stopped, turning. I was trying to say, and I caught her, trying to say, and she screamed and I was trying to say and trying arid the bright shapes began to stop and I tried to get out. I tried to get it off of my face, but the bright shapes were going again. (1.700)

It wasn't until half way through the chapter (before that) that you realize that Benjy can't talk, but he can hear. That quote sticks out in my mind. Benjy is sortof in love with this girl, (it isn't love like we think of it, though. It is naive and innocent and really sad,) and she leaves for college, and he freaks out when he sees her friends without her, walking home from highschool. Back then they didn't know what to do with people like Benjy, so he never learned anything, and he just freaks out and cries for alot of the book, but hearing things from his perspective is an adventure --and a really confusing one at that. Not that I identify with that quote at all, but it was one of the moments in the story where Benjy's character really started to make sense. (ha. a contradiction in truths).

"crashing through the parlor doors, what was your first reaction? Screaming drunk disorderly, I'l tell you mine."

This is post #70.

I have 7 days left of Lent.

I have spent the past 5 hours racking my brain. That assignment will be turned in late.

The album I am listening to has roughly 12 more minutes left.

It is my 3rd playthrough of this list tonight.

The list itself is 2.2 hours.

It is 2:20AM

I need some sleep. I would still be working on my homework right now, but I cannot think straight enough to come up with any half-decent algorithms right now.

I have a hootenany skit, which I am doing with some people I don't know, and a person I do know. That's going to be fun. The skit is called "silent monks sing hallelujah" Today I have been thinking about the way people attribute things to themselves. For example, my hootenany skit. Every day, I reevaluate small parts of my self-perceived identity by observing my own behavior in situations. Sometimes, I am surprised by the way I act, and sometimes I am not. This is usually a pretty subconscious process, and it is not often that I am really very shocked at all by something that I do. Maybe more often than some people, but whatever. When I signed up for the hootenany skit, I reevaluated a part of my identity, specifically (and very abstractly) my sense of belonging. When I identify myself, I am now Zac Slade, son, brother, student, Christian, roommate, etc. etc. etc. etc. "LU" in the hootenany skit. Furthermore, I almost never identify myself all at once. I do it on a purely case-by-case basis. Someone asks me my name, I give that to them and probably don't think of much else.

But back to the person as a whole. (I am referencing myself, because I am the sole subject of my observations here. Maybe other people are the same way, maybe not.) How much do the small parts of our identity, like that one, effect our personality, our responsiveness and our attitude? I guess, little things don't individually, but maybe alot of them will....... Someone who excels in several small, but noticeable, areas might lean toward becoming conceited... Someone who does the opposite might lean the opposite.. but more abstract than that..... I can't hold onto the idea I am trying to write down right now.... got it. A person who... heh. lost it again.

I am almost out of toothpicks.... I need some more.

goodnight

"and you never feel good or bad, only strange and unprepared --because you never saw it coming or it leaving."

Today I woke up at 1:30. I didn't do much of anything all day. I "read" most of the current chapter in CS2. I really didn't want to be reading that, and had a very hard time concentrating.

I got a haircut not too long ago. That was something. It is very different from my usual style, but my piano teacher emphasized that she thought it was really cute. I should have seen this coming since I told her to do whatever she wanted. I had a hard time getting used to my reflection in the mirror. At first it looked alot like someone I know, so I made her change the bangs. I really do like it. It just changed me so much, and it came across to her as if I don't like it. She said she was very sorry I didn't like it and all. I kept trying to tell her I did. I really wanted to just give her a hug because of the face she made. I felt so bad. I just raised one arm and put it on her shoulder, which is something I have been doing more often lately. I am not very physical, and alot of the people here are, so I have been trying to be more that way. I remember my brother used to put one hand on my shoulder and tighten his grip and then let go. He didn't do it very often, but that used to have a really profound relaxing effect on me, so that's the first thing I am trying to learn how to do. I am not very good at finding a place for my hand on people's shoulders yet. I don't have alot of opportunity for practice. I hope I did it right that time. I wonder if that's an acceptable maneuver for guys to do to girls who aren't "significant"... I'm sure it is.. Idk. I think the thing that really made me think it was ok to do to her was that she touched my arm before we went to cut my hair and asked "are you ready?". I was caught off guard by it alittle. I was glad I couldn't talk. I might have made a fool of myself.

I think I am a primarily verbal person. My mom wasn't. I would tell her I loved her, and expect her to remember it. I learned that that was wrong. She feels loved when people do things special for her, especially things that reduce her work load. I would do something as simple as the dishes and she would feel loved, but we had some difficulty communicating until I figured that out. She would do chores for me, and I had to learn that that was how she was telling me she loved me. I remember once she read this one book by Dr. Dobson, and it told her about how trust is earned, and some other stuff that may have been true, and might have worked for some other kids, but I am not other kids. After that, when I would do something wrong, she would tell me that her trust for me was diminishing. I hated that alot. The first time she told me that I felt terrible for like a week. Not being trusted is the worst thing, especially when it is your family. I can kindof understand with little things, and I know that there are some areas where I don't necessarily deserve to be trusted -- like the food in the fridge (someone stole Sean's pancakes, and it wasn't me this time, but I have been asked about it at least 3 times). You know... I think that bit about being verbal and my mom and stuff will be the topic for my next essay in English class. We have to write a narrative about a life lesson we learned.

Right now, I feel really close to God. It's like God is with me, and it's very comforting. ... I've been tearing up alot lately. Not always sadness, but just whenever I feel something strongly, and it isn't even really like I am crying, but my eyes feel wet for a second like I am about to cry, then they go back to normal.

So I found this totally bad-A picture online the other day. The context in which I found it wasn't so good (it was used along with a description of black liberation theology -- which is honestly kindof scary... for that matter, plain liberation theology is almost equally as scary). Really, though. The picture scares me alittle. Just think of the imagery behind that. What it means. The implication that Jesus was furious with us while he was on the cross is terrifying. As if, while Jesus was complacent on the outside he was prying himself off the cross in spirit. I don't think I agree, but the picture is still awesome. It is called "The Suffering of Christ" by Guido Rocha. It is meant to help Christians cope with hardcore issues by emphasizing the suffering of Christ on the cross so that they can identify with it. .... I don't know about you, but I don't find this picture very comforting (but again, I think it's awesome).

Today I slept in alittle, because I don't have early classes on friday, and I skipped Computer science because it was a Work Day on the syllabus (which means I would just be asking questions about the homework, and I can do the homework just fine. I have issues with the quizzes, and I can't really ask about them because I don't know what will be covered on them until they arrive. They ask so much about coding theory, which is good to know. That kind of thing makes you a more comprehensive programmer, but it's hard for me to grasp enough to even ask intelligent questions.

I took a discrete math quiz today, and I think I did really well. It was on lists, functions, arrays, and boolean operators. On the way back from that I saw this girl who I have noticed here and there, but I don't know who she is. I plan to try to get the courage to go talk to her as soon as I can talk.

I need to go to sleep earlier next week. Hopefully my teachers won't assign so much homework. Next weekend I will finally get all the parts i need to get my ps3 up and running. I am going to spend a good portion of the weekend playing FFXIII. I don't plan on playing it much during the week. Maybe like an hour or two every other day when I don't have homework.

My friend who dyed his hair with me is dating the girl who helped us now. I think I mentioned that before. They are getting really serious really fast. As soon as I can talk, I am going to talk to him about it. He is a good friend of mine, and it will be kindof a "just lookin out for ya" kind of talk. I will try to keep it from coming across as rude, but I think he will understand where I am coming from. I'm just gonna tell him I think he should be careful. He aught to know as well as I do that once you get momentum like that, it's hard to slow down when you get to the line's you've drawn. Then again, it's different for everyone. With my previous girlfriends I took things almost unreasonably slow. (I've only had maybe 4, but they were good girls. I stayed with each of them for a pretty long time, and I still have alot of respect for all of them.) Maybe he is more confident in his own self control than I am.

I've noticed that most of my blogs recently have started on really depressing notes. I haven't noticed the tone with which they have ended. After this blog, I plan on fixing that. Even if I feel the need to push my negative thoughts out of my head first, I am going to write those, then move them down and write the positive parts of my day above them. (Unless for some reason I think that my exact train of thought in that particular blog is important. That happens sometimes).