I figure that this week will be a tired one no matter what I do. However, from past experience, I think that with some patience I can become so tired that I become a zombie. As a zombie, I don't retain information for exceptionally long, but I take great notes, I survive as long as I have coffee, and I don't feel much of anything at all... including tiredness until it's time for bed.

That in mind, I've decided that I will lose sleep tonight in exchange for getting ahead on homework. Right now I'm sortof awake, and it's already 2:30. I have 1 or 2 more assignments to do before I'm where I want to be. Hopefully I can finish them.

Hopefully there are no quizzes next week.

Hopefully nobody makes plans for me this Saturday. Dangit I'm gonna sleep in this weekend! You know how much it messes up my week when I have to wake up on Saturday?? Yet for the past like 3 weeks, each sat someone else has something for me to do at 9am.

rofl, I really wish I would have had that sleep yesterday.

Community service might break my back this semester. Hopefully I don't have to stay another extra semester. If that happens I might just have to get a full time job and do school while I work. I was pretty tore-up about it a few hours ago.

Chowon, as always, gives me energy with her supportiveness, and encourages me to talk to God. God is so good to me. She is truly a blessing.

Nevertheless...I'm so frustrated with the world. If the world were perfect, we would have been simply picking up trash. If it were perfect, V wouldn't have popped his lid. If the world were even organized, my punishment would be tailored to be most conducive to my actually doing well in school despite it. The thought of staying an extra semester here bothers me immensely. After AO last semester and then this happening this semester, I just want to graduate fast and leave TX never to return. Last time I was here wasn't a particularly good experience either, what with Tony F. and his 4some pushing me around all through middle school. TX cocked it's head to shoot me down, and I know the score. I lose.

"I hope there's something better up there."

The sky dresses itself in a dark shade of gray. Already it has lost control of the clouds, and gives them to gravity. Gathering, standing still, giving, scattering, varying, threatening; does the cloud know that it comes to meet such a group as we?

I told the fac. about my blog. He says he has nobody to give it to. That's what I get for assuming the worst. Are they a business or a pile of ants? I'm sure that the world will turn to a new event and I will be forgotten, as I have myself and others many times before.

"I need you now more than ever."

Today I revisited some old blogs today. Particularly some blogs I had forgotten about: the two books I wrote on April 25th, 2010 -- while I was preparing to go to Korea.

Reading these reminded me of a state of mind which had fastened itself to my back and grown heavy, and still occasionally revisits me. These days, however, it seems my fury has much calmed -- like my mom said it would; she used to tell me about how many the things which are "so important" in my youth will be recognized as fights not-worth-fighting when I get older, and how I will learn the value of boredom and forget the troubles of the world. It's better this way. Within the next 20 years my mind will begin to decline, and as it slowly rots in my skull... I hope that hope, faith, and happiness survive the longest.

I was so involved in hatred and frustration with God and LeTourneau and the world at that time, and I wondered if Korea was exactly what I needed. It was. God definitely planned for me to go to Korea and learn how good I have it... but can't it be so much better?

I consider in that chapter if God's plan would place an open door in Korea. .. Something to get me walking in the right direction.. I think it did.

Run-on sentences and long paragraphs aside, though, I don't think I can more eloquently describe my insecurities and my problems with the world than I did in my blogs from that month (and immediately surrounding period).

"Holy holy is His sacrament; $30 pays your rent."

Happy Easter :)

Today we talked about zombie-Lazarus in church. The pastor gave a really cool message starting with the resurrection of Lazarus, and then the part of the Bible where Jesus says "Before Abraham was born, I AM." And about how they were gonna stone him and stuff, and then about the story of how God got the name "I AM" in the first place. The pastor emphasized the part where God says "This will be my name *forever*".

I have been struggling for some time with symbolism. I know that Jesus loosened up the rules for us a lot when he died, but back then they wouldn't even say God's name because it was 'too holy' and 'too powerful'. Isn't it equally powerful and holy now? When the Bible says "don't use the Lord's name in vain" I think it means, "use the Lord's name only in emergencies". That is... your instinct might be to say "it's not in vain if we're using His name to praise Him," but I'm proposing that we shouldn't do that.

They sing a song in the church that I attend with the lyrics "We love to shout your name, Yaweh". I've always skipped over that part, because I know that God hears us, and if He told us that He only wants us to use His name in emergencies, and if we are God's image in parts of our personality, then he probably tunes people out who talk too much. The Bible even says "Do not babble vain words, as the nations. For they think that in their much speaking they shall be heard. Therefore do not be like them, for your Father knows what things you have need of, before you ask Him."

So basically God knows what we need before we ask, so we can keep our prayers short and concise. However, we should still keep the right (broken/contrite/whatever else) heart when we pray. God deserves all the respect and humbleness we can muster.

But anyway, back on topic... long-story-short, I came to the decision that the name, in Hebrew, by which God calls himself in Exodus 3:14, "I AM THAT I AM" is the name for God. I know this might not be the most well researched conclusion, but I'm gonna kinda try to memorize it. From a few passages in Romans I gather that what's holy to one person isn't necessarily holy to another. That's to say that it doesn't matter if I'm wrong. God will honor my efforts to respect him, and without seeming too judgmental, I think other people should make some things more sacred, too. Maybe not necessarily a name, but it seems to me that names are kindof important.... oh well..

"I struggle with the feeling that my life isn't mine."

I feel like there's something in my mind that I want to get out so badly... but I can't think of what it is.

I feel like there's something special I could be saying right now, but I don't know what it is. I almost think there's something I aught to say, but I can't.

Maybe put some fancy design around my quote today:

.~*'but I look for reason only when I'm awake...'*~.

... I don't think that's it.

Chowon and I have talked every day for a long time now, and during those talks I'm in such a heightened emotional state... I wonder if I'd become slightly addicted to it. I wonder if this is as weird or difficult[?] for her as for me. Each time I saw a genuine smile on her face I wanted to magnify it. Each time her voice took on that slight tone of kind insecurity I wanted to give her every good thing within me to restore her confidence, because nobody that sweet deserves to feel inadequate. Each time she was sick or depressed I wanted to give her all my health and happiness to restore her. There has not been a tone of her voice but those which I've kept in the deepest part of my heart.

I get to thinking on tangents like that sometimes. Writing about it makes me feel like a hopeless romantic: Someone who, by becoming too attached, makes himself repulsive.

I wonder if she'd prefer more of a "tough-guy".

I mean... I can be that...

But what am I saying?

She said she thought she was becoming dependent on me. Why have I any reason to doubt her love for me? Instead of introspecting, I should pray for her to find God in a better way.

This will be my resolution: During this time, I will pray every day (and whenever I think of it) for her to develop a firmly rooted reliance on God for her self-esteem and comfort. It is the best way.

"We're all prisoners here, locked up by our minds."

Today I have wondered a lot if I am the cause of Chowon's recent distress. Was I too attached? Did I scare her away? Am I going through too much and putting too many of my burdens on her? Is it better for me not to tell her when things are going wrong? Why did she not tell me she loved me until the very end, when I asked her to... she is normally very outspoken about that... unless she's mad at me. Was she mad? Should I be pursuing her now? Does she want me to keep calling her even though she said we should be distant? How can I know? I told her I wouldn't... I should stick with what I said.

I hope we didn't miscommunicate...

The meeting with Chad today seemed more like what my impression of counselling was, but still not quite what I've expected. I'm sure he'll ease into something very definable. I mentioned my blog, and he said he didn't know about it. Maybe I'll send it to him... maybe not.

Community service today was in the rain. It rained pretty hard, and when it let up, we went to dig trenches for irrigation. I had to take off my shoes because my feet were sinking about 4 inches into the mud. -- However, strangely enough, I really enjoyed it. The fresh air and work were refreshing, and the mud and dirt felt cool and comfortable between my toes. The group I work with has a unique, but somehow typical assortment of personalities. All of them are very fun and nice to me, so far. The boss, Scott, has a very awkward demeanor one-on-one, but his smile makes him seem like he was so unprepared for happiness as to be surprising to me as his audience. As a group, I'd say they have a very winning personality.

"Someday when things are slow again..."

So the past week or two I have been doing all the initiating with Chowon. Calling her, and texting her, and she would call back if she missed it, and she was always very sweet so I was only minimally worried about it.

Then she told me she was feeling depressed, and that explained why I was the one initiating. However, it put me in a weird spot. I really don't want to annoy Chowon, but I wanted so badly to be there when she was depressed. I called her and texted her often.

Then yesterday she said that she felt like she was slowly becoming dependent on me... (for happiness and contentment; to not feel alone). We talked about it a bit, I kinda stumbled around trying to nail down the point that I think it's ok to love humans and to try not to be alone with respect to other humans, but that everyone should ultimately become satisfied with God... because we can never fully escape loneliness; it's bound to happen to us sometimes. I told her that, more or less. Then I tried to cheer her up a bit and get her thinking about good things God is doing for her.

She's definitely caught up in some powerful spiritual warfare around her. I really hope she can be strong and continue looking for God.

She said thanks. She said she doesn't want to talk "tomorrow or the day after" (not with an angry tone). I told her that I respected that and would not call her, but would wait for her to contact me first. It was a really calm, but heartfelt conversation. I thought the mood was sad and loving on both ends. Before we hung up, I told her I was sad because I don't know when we'll talk again and she said she'd contact me within one week. It reminds me a lot of when I asked her out and she made me wait. She then she said she loved me (but...only after I asked her to...) and we said goodbye.

Since then, it's only been one day, but I want to talk to her much and often -- maybe just because I can't. I've resisted contacting her... I'll wait.. My confidants have asked me if she will break up with me. I think that she won't.... but I am notably clueless about these things.

One of my good friends lost his girlfriend yesterday, but she said it might just be temporary. He's clinging to that. I hope she means it. She'd be missing out without a guy like him.

"The priest, the book, or the congregation..."