I've been getting into Bon Iver lately^^ I'll post a favorite song when I think of one.

Chowon told me today she is "thinking seriously about the future". I wonder what she means. I know she has something on her mind, because she is slowing conversation more than normal, and I'm not used to picking it up when she's quiet. I know it's silly, but after the thing with Lani I become really worried every time Chowon expresses that something is wrong.. and ever time she hesitates it suddenly becomes a little harder to breathe. I keep reminding myself, "Zac, she isn't Lani. Chwon actually deserves the respect you want to give her. She did not lie to you in Korea, why would she lie now? She loves Jesus so much; even if you cannot trust a new person, you can trust God who is within her." And I do trust her. I trust her as well as I can trust new people right now. I think it will be much easier after some time together in person.

She says she might come for Christmas. I think about her all the time. The other day she said she wonders if I like her as much as she likes me... I wonder... I'm glad she said that though, because it means that I don't have to worry the same way.

Gana should be buying me some flowers for Chowon soon. I hope that goes well and happens soon.

My roommate is here talking about the sucknado on his computer, "internet". He's downloading some Steam stuff, and it's dragging him down pretty hardcore. It was much worse in the past.

"Buying your body from your heart, selling it to your spirit. Whose spirit is it, really?"

PWND!

Two blogs today to make up for the 3 blogs last month.

I find myself thinking more than ever about Chowon, and even infatuation is a learning experience, because I've wondered in the past how much a person could actually think enamoredly about someone else before they ran out of things to wonder or had accepted the things they did not know or could not grasp. However, I don't think about anything specific and solvable, but take joy in imagining the curve of her smile or sound of her voice or her affection for God and for me or God's blessings for us.

It's like, when you're bored you might daydream, and it is desensitizing to know that you could be doing something better. Thereby I am bored with variations in normalcy, and find that just listening to her talk about her day is one of my greatest sources of pleasure.

And that's all I've got for tonight. I just wanted to get that out :) God has blessed me immensely this summer, and I'm praying for all my friends, that he will bless them and let me share my overflow with them as well.

"I threw a stone at the reflection of my image in the water and it altogether disappeared. I burst; it shattered me like a bullet through a bottle... And I'm expected to believe that any of this is real."

Last night a church caught on fire a few blocks away, and whenever we talk about it or see the smoke, the air around us becomes thick and awkward, like we know we should act and feel reverent but we are unaccustomed to the touch of it. Some people know that they should feel reverent and know, in an exaggerated sense, what reverence and honor looks like, so they act it out. Some of them are completely honest with themselves. I wonder what am I? I don't know what reverence and honor look like in this situation, but I definitely feel disheartened by the loss of that church, except that God allowed it for a reason.

I've been going to a church lately where I am one of just a few members, and the only people who seem to come every Sunday are the pastor and his wife. They say sometimes they preach to just angels and each other, and then sometimes they teach only me. Their lessons are rock solid so far (give or take matters of opinion which I hold to be irrelevant even to interpretation of scripture, such as upholding traditions like teaching each new member their mission statement or stuff like that.

My hand aches with certain motions of my thumb. I hope it isn't permanent. I'm getting so old.

I used to swim a lot. I should start again.

The question has been on my mind lately what God does when we (Christians) sin. Does he forgive us immediately and then move on and forget it? Does he remember it to remind you of it on the day of judgement (even though you will not be eternally damned)? Does he slap his forehead and say "don't do that again"? Does he punish us on earth using odd circumstances?

Somedays I wonder if I should delete all of Lani's contact information or not. I said I would, but when we were going to meet she asked me politely to reconsider. Part of me hopes I am never put in close enough proximity to have to pursue a real friendship with her. Then another part of me knows that if she tried hard, I would give in and forget... but that she won't do that. And another part of me would help her with any problem she came to me for help with, whether I had deleted her or not. I can't seem to separate the feelings hurt and malice. And even moreso I cannot feel good about it, even though I have forgiven her over and over. I think that if I consider the feelings closely and separate them in my mind and my emotions, it will enable me to...to....idk..., but the practice will also help me to forgive in the future.

"My face has changed, but you know it's me. You know by the stillness in my eyes. Come and whisper in my ear, 'My dear, it'll be alright.' You're lying! But I don't mind tonight."

I didn't place a single card......

Just got sprayed. It feels a lot like roasting a marshmellow on a fire that's too hot, except you can't pull away and you have jalapeno slices under your eyelids. I showered, but it seems like it just put the spice down from the surface of my hair to my scalp, and spread the pain all over my arms and neck. ... but at least it's out of my eyes.

And with that, ART school is over.

The road trip was great! I really enjoyed spending all that time with Gavin, but I couldn't tell what he was thinking toward the end. o.0

Oh well. I have to work in about 3 1/2 hours. I get to carry the pepp tonight.

I asked Gana to help with sending Chowon something^^ I hope I can do it!

I met Lani for breakfast during the trip and it was super awkward. Her boyfriend is an atheist; I may or may not try to contact him about his beliefs. I'm interested, but I recognized many of his arguments. He knows the history but prefers the unimaginably improbable to the fantastic. The meeting affirmed for me that it would never have worked between Lani and I. She is a lamb clothed with feathers; I would not have been able to tell over the internet because I could not look at her face when she spoke until this trip. It makes me happy that she didn't adhere to me any longer, and based on my conversation with her new boyfriend, I trust that he will treat her fairly.

"So praises to the war machine, when the distance is growing thin to the helplessness of a tiny earth."

Just 7 more days 'till I leave. I want to summarize this summer with a few insightful words, but it's really hard. What happened these past few months....

I've almost finished CalcIII. I (ideally) will have finished it next week.

I got a car.

I got a girlfriend <3<3

I made some money

I watched Gwen develop from a little mumbler into a toddler who makes full sentences.

I got to see Lainey adjusting to life outside the womb

Spent great quality time with my brother. Also with his wife and her family. Got to know Steph better than I did.

Learned about Systema XD XD

Got to see Gavin

Found an opportunity to see Lani (최후의 약속예요)

Made some new friends

Got the easter egg on black-ops call of the dead X)

Found WWF Warzone online for my PSXe

and much much more! I'll post more as I think of it^^

Showin the neighbors some games on my computer. Soon homework, and then who knows? I hope to talk to 초원 soon^^

"Rue the day... on Zombies"