Today was fairly productive. I did my classes and had my Korean lesson, and I got some time to myself, and I did my physics, and all that.

I told my Korean teacher about it, well, omitting several important details, but I got the point across. I was really depending on her trust when I did. She had written "God bless you" on the top of the homework she prepared. I am really glad to have such good friends.

My involvement with certain people has become a game of charades! and I am not particularly enjoying it, but I play along to be polite. After all, I am the guest in their story. I try to keep my chapters small, but meaningful. The party will be over very soon; not soon enough. "time to leave because the DJ's playing rhythm and blues"story of my life", however it ends, I think this is something we won't forget. To the hosts, thanks, (and I mean that in the most judgmental way possible). To my fellow constituents, you play so well; whenever our eyes meet I feel that mutual fear, love, anticipation, and trust. The kind of thing that holds your attention even after it disappears.

Analogies like that are fun, but the light-hearted overtone is just killing me. I hate having to paraphrase on my blog. Too many readers, too many thoughts crossing here, and I feel like I am unable to give a perfect picture of my point of view. My thoughts are too easily misinterpreted by a reader, just don't read too much into what I say, and you'l save us both some heartache.

Today I made great progress on my pattern for unicursal stars. Odd numbers all seem to follow a similar formula, which is oddly enough almost opposite my formula for even numbers (with the exception of even numbers divisible by 4, which I personally think all look stupid.). I haven't done much work with prime numbers, but 7 and 11 pointed stars seem to follow a pretty standard "odd-number" formula, and there aren't any even prime numbers.

Also, I read some of my old blogs last night. Sometimes it's good to do that to learn about one's self, I think. I was so angry with the church in the beginning of march, and I still am, but I wonder how I lost track of that fury. I really hate division in the church. I hate how we have so many churches, even churches of the same denomination, who won't work together. Why? Because of some insignificant detail in things as unbinding to your salvation as way they feel that they connect best with God in worship. Things which they would do best to learn from each other in anyway. Things which the entire church would benefit from learning to get along with and grow with. I've blogged about this before, and I'm not going to go into the detailed rant I went into before, but I can't stress enough the emotion that follows behind that word, "hate" when I say it in this context. Given the opportunity, I would gladly take several days of prayer and preparation for a presentation, and then offer it up to churches everywhere I could. The problem would be, though, that even then there would be people who pick out a small theological point of mine and throw out my whole argument on it's account. (hence the prayer I would put into it, and I mean LOTS of prayer. I wouldn't take on a problem this big without days or maybe even weeks of prayer and fasting for direction. Even prayer for whether I should take it on at all. If God backs the speech 100%, then the people who disagree are simply people who do not have ears to hear, right?)

Well, I have a physics test early tomorrow. Prayers PLEASE!

"Don't go holding out on me now"

So lately I've been reading this collection of letters sent by random people through history. It starts with a few books of the bible and goes all the way up to some letters sent by axis troops during the wars. Some of it is really interesting :) I haven't been reading it in order. Right now I am reading about some poets in the 1700s. Letters back and forth from John Keats to Mary Shelly (who is a guy...) and Shelly's wives. I've been really getting back into poetry lately. I guess it's just the mood I've been in. Don't judge me. :P

Today I had a conversation with a good friend of mine about some drama, and I think God was helping me with that conversation. I tried to give my best advice, and sometimes I don't think straight under pressure. The fact that the conversation happened, and the things we talked about made me feel really trusted. I think trust is one of the best things that people can have for each other, if not the best. *thumbs up* Also I felt really good about myself the other day, when I successfully rescued a damsel in apparent distress (although I feel bad for not doing it earlier. It must have been two hours). And as long as I am feeling good about myself, today I said hi to the girl from my discrete math class! and she said hi too^^

On that note, I have decided that I am paper in a windowsill and I really need to get my head on my shoulders. One day I think I "like" this person, the next that person. It isn't serious, I mean.. I am keeping it in perspective and not really dwelling on any of it, but I am convinced that it is better not to think of those things at all if I can help it. Girls are trouble; trouble I don't need. At least not until I know more about my direction in the not-so-distant future. Right now, I just want friends and study buddies.

I have approved my courses for study at community college in Pennsylvania. Now I just need to apply and start working out the cost.

Since I have been lacking in the coffee money department the past few days, I have taken to scoping out free-coffee hotspots around campus. Of late, I have frequented the teachers lounge in longview hall, as well as the library coffee machine. Both relatively good quality coffee, too (with tea as an option, depending on my mood)

Speaking of spots. That one spot I have been looking at is still there... I haven't really gone to it much, it seems like the surrounding area is trafficked too often, and it is inaccessible at certain times in the day. Nevertheless, it's a great spot and it almost never has people right in it. I think I might start eating lunch there when I am eating alone :)

Oh! Physics test this Thursday!! PRAYERS PLEASE!

Back on track, my lego's team met today without me again. They actually had a time set up with me for this meeting, but changed it at the last minute (surprise) to during church. (I do church on Tuesday because I'm busy Wednesday and there are no afternoon churches on Sunday. It's a good church.) I told them again that they need to schedule things with me at least a day in advance, because I am very busy. I did not attend the meeting today. I will email them tonight.

I didn't pick up on that awkwardness between my friends and I today... Maybe I'm just still hesitant to talk sometimes...

The network of bloggers on campus is steadily growing, but I think that most of them are not going to blog regularly. The number of IP's who visited my page doubled over the past week.. Somehow, I don't think very many of them are actually here for me o.0 (Not to push people away or anything, but I never intended/wanted this blog to have very many readers.. I guess... I don't really mind, but whatever.. you know..)

"Clouds moving slowly, moving quickly; keep the sky's light from reaching us, keep our light from reaching the sky."

It seems like I say goodbye to all my good friends at the same place on campus. --that field by the Trinities. The past few times I walked by there, even though I didn't say goodbye to someone, I felt like I was losing something. It wasn't something big, and it wasn't necessarily a bad thing, but it has become a habit.

I sit across from some Korean exchange students in discrete, and I have always wanted to say hi to them. Today after class, when I stood up, the girl across the row was staring me straight in the eyes and smiling. I was speechless for a second, I mean, she really is pretty, so I just looked back and smiled until something happened and the moment ended. It was kindof prolonged, though. I think it was deliberate on her part. We weren't far from each other in the hallway walking out, but she was with her friend and I was with mine. I said something to my friend and she turned around like she thought it was to her for a second. I was scared to talk to her for some reason... I am going to make a point of saying hi next time I have an opportunity, or after next class, whichever comes first.

Today I wished I was in a bigger field. I remember being in Germany. There was a sunflower field down the road in Vilseck, and when we went to it, it was all we could see in every direction. That might be my favorite memory... running with my dog in that field. It was beautiful, and I was like 9 years old.

There is so much drama going on right now. To be honest, it makes me more afraid. I am not afraid for myself, but for my friends. God, you are in control.

I practiced piano today for only the second time since my last lesson. It was really nice. I need to put a lot more work into that song, "A Winter Story".

My Korean practice has not been doing much better. I practiced Korean for only the second time since my last lesson. I got a lot more done this time, but I am far from finished.

I think I might not make as many womanizing jokes anymore. I mean.... sometimes, but recently I felt convicted because while the jokes can be funny, they reflect a horrible part of our history. I have too many good friends who are girls, and the thought of them being hurt in any way almost make me cry, even though I am sure they are safe. (and always hope so)

I think similarly about threatening jokes.... I don't think I will make those anymore.

Speaking of verbal abuse, I got in a few short arguments with the person across the hall today or yesterday, and I felt really vicious during one of them. I feel sortof bad about that.

I still feel a silence like when I was not talking. It's a small, awkward feeling between me and my friends whenever we talk, and it makes me hesitate about everything.

"I can't keep up, because you're so far gone."

It's two o clock

Tonight I feel like I am caught up in a lot of drama. I'm not going to write it.

However, speaking of drama. I think I want to ask someone out, but I am afraid. It's weird with these things. If she says no, then I still want to be friends, but then she might always think "but he still likes me", and I don't want that. Also, I don't want to be just another LeTU guy who likes a girl who doesn't like him back. I wish girls would let you know when they liked you. If I knew she would say yes, then I would ask her without thinking twice.

Girls just give me headaches. I can't win.. especially here. It seems like the gentlemanly thing for the guy to make the first move, but if he is wrong, he is a creeper, and since the girl can't make the first move, there is almost no way of knowing, and he is left with like a 50 50 decision, which isn't something that you want to hang a really nice friendship on. It isn't who you think.

"The silence isn't breaking."

Nothing really happened today. It was pretty much video games all day. I don't plan on having more days like this in the future.

Tomorrow, I am going to go to chapel, and I am going to pray. In fact, I am getting to bed early tonight and I plan to wake up a bit early tomorrow.

Right now, I miss the feeling of being small. When I was a kid, I remember really enjoying hiding in the attic or in a closet. From in there, I could imagine the whole world around me, or I could choose not to do so. I was completely safe, even from getting in trouble. There wasn't much wrong I could do from my hiding place. I even remember making a point of finding places like that throughout the house in every new place we moved.

These days, people tell us we are the leaders of tomorrow; that we control the future and that we have so much ahead of us.. They make me feel like a tower with little support. I am built up so tall, but should a gust of wind come it would blow away all my dreams. Sometimes, I think it is comforting to remember how small I really am, and that God is so much bigger. He is my only real comfort.

Psalm 32:7

Thou art my hiding place; thou shalt preserve me from trouble; thou shalt compass me about with songs of deliverance. Selah.

Today I didn't really do my physics. I mean, I got it done, but I got most of the formulas from a friend. Also, I have been going to simple English Wikipedia more recently. :) Right now, I am trying to hold a conversation with a friend and blog at the same time. It isn't really working out. I think I will stop blogging for a sec....

....

Ok. what else. Oh! I am going to put up my laundry really soon.

Today I went to Spear Chapel to pray, and my piano teacher was there, getting lessons from her teacher (because there is always a bigger fish?). I kinda knew she would be there, but I didn't really. --Right now he's talking about why he likes his girl. These things are always interesting-- So I prayed, and I made a point of praying for her. I have tried to do that every time I pray, because she has been a real good friend to me. When I got done I came out, and she was still there, but her teacher wasn't. I told her she was really good, and asked her about what she was learning. She is really good. She made a face, like an exaggerated smile, and I couldn't get what it meant, but I noticed it, for a split second. We both wanted to say something when I left, I think. I stopped at the door and called back if she was going to hootenanny, and she said yeah, and on my way out she asked if I was going to dinner. I was, and she said she'd come. it was real nice.

I feel like I am writing in really point-by-point sentences right now, and I don't like it. I'l blame it on the conversation happening behind me.

So anyway, she said I aught to sit with her floor more often, and I think I will :). She owes me another haircut, too.

There is something I am refusing to acknowledge.. that is, I recognize it's existence, but I am denying that it has meaning... I guess I can't really write about it, can I?

I just retold the story about a girl to the guys in here, and teared up alittle. My friend was asking. I am almost sure that she doesn't think much about it.

Then we had hootenanny, which went really well, except one of our signs was upside down (which turned out to be great anyways). Most of the acts were really funny, and afterwards the dean of students proposed to his girl. I was shocked for a good ten minutes at the end. The end was just such a great surprise! Then the guys from my skit had cookies, courtesy of "JAH"'s mom and dad. They were delicious. Then, we went and saw the dean of students get thrown into the pond (as congratulations for his proposal and the "yes").

:) I am going to say hi to the people who were in my act whenever I see them. They all were really cool.

There's a girl here who I had a crush on for a few days starting like a week ago, but then I decided against it. Yeah, she is really pretty and smart (it probably isn't who you think), and yeah she is a good Christian, with a classic style, but she doesn't look at me much, and I think she is just as much chased by other guys. She is "out of my league".... that is, not that any other girl I would like is any less for being perceived as dateable.

Right now, I am working on balancing my thoughts. The idea is what you think about controls your actions. I want my thoughts to be on God constantly, and even when I think about school, I want my motives to revolve around learning ->so that I can glorify God. I think that as long as our motives are in the right place and we aren't sinning, using our gifts, even if we aren't directly using them for ministry (though we should always try to do that), is glorifying to God. Lately, I have felt like I want to do all I can to praise God, and I feel like I just can't do enough. I don't mean that in a negative way, just like, I keep doing and doing, I can't do enough.

Right now, it is 1:00 in the morning. My roommate is on his computer, and I have a test tomorrow. He says he will leave whenever I want him to, but I am enjoying his music, and I am overdue to write a blog.

I talked on the phone with an ex girlfriend of mine today.. it was the most recent one, and I think I am really getting over her. Talking on the phone didn't stir up any feelings like it used to. I feel really blessed by that. We talked for like an hour, and would have talked longer, but I had to work on my presentation. She is dating someone else.

I also had a really good talk with my Korean teacher the other day, or, I thought it was a good talk. It was like normal, but for a minute or two it got real heavy. I asked her what she thought about the relationships between guys and girls here, because I imagine it must be stressful for some of those girls to be asked out so often (not so stressful for others, I guess.) She seemed to feel strongly on the subject. She talked about how some guys, LeTourneau guys, will go to Korea to just to find a girlfriend, and about how some of her friends have been hurt by guys who go there and right away get a girlfriend, only to break up right before they leave. It's really disgusting that that kind of thing happens. She told me that she believed that I was not like that, and neither was her boyfriend, or one or two other people who she knew --and she used the word "believe" a couple times. The way she said it makes me think that she is still very cautious. Like someone looking at a shell, saying "I believe that there is something good in there".

I think I am going to be harder on the guys who pick on me, saying that I only want to go for the girls.. because that is a more serious accusation than it seems, and it really isn't true. I mean, I guess getting a girlfriend while I am there would be a good thing, but I really am not looking right now, and I don't plan on making that a priority while I am there.

"I don't expect this to change anything.. It is just a dream you're having. We are here and then gone, together and then apart."