"If I go there... you will probably only see the worst of me.."

"That's the way it aught to be."I don't see how we can have it any other way."This is not how I planned it"I saw it coming... I really did"You are so focused"

"This isn't 'goodbye'."

"So it isn't."

Today was really good. I even got myself a coffee to celebrate how great today was :) it was a good coffee, too.

Today I wondered about something really cool, but I don't remember what it was. It's harder to follow those kinds of things when I am talking to people....

I am still scoping out that spot. I went there today, but there were people near enough to hear and I didn't want to be around them. I wonder if that is normal, that kind of aversion to being around people who I am not immediately "with", --unless I am already with a group. I guess that is a very personality dependent thing. My dad was the same way, I think.... I am still convinced that the spot isn't heavily trafficked for the majority of the day and week. I just need to find the right times to go there. Times when people aren't looking for a quiet place to study.

It is really hard to think right now. Today has just been one good thing after another.

I have been stammering alot more since I started talking.

... oh, focus. I wanted to write about what happened today. Nothing really, I think I am done with all of my financial aid, all of it. The only thing left for me to do is apply for a community college, which I am in the process of doing. I missed breakfast, like usual. I went to physics, which was the same as always, and I just came out feeling really good. I ate lunch and went to English, where we watched a movie. Then I went on a walk with Joseph, which I initially really didn't want to do, but I did anyways. Somewhere in there I got coffee and went to my spot.

Then there was frisbee, and my team lost, but it's ok. I figured out what I am going to do for my presentation in English. My teacher wanted something really low-key, so I am doing "how many LeTU students does it take to change a lightbulb?"

Then, just a few minutes ago, I went to Buffalo Wild Wings with some friends. I missed church today for hootenany practice, which was another highlight of my day. I talked with someone who I have been kindof meaning to try and start conversation with. That was nice... er.. "with whom". I should really stop ending sentences with prepositions. (lol hypocrisy; correcting something, and being at fault during correction. I made a pun.)

I think hypocrisy is one of the worst things to be accused of... "of which one can be accused". Even if it's just a joke. Also, murder jokes are getting to ring more and more serious to me lately. I can't brush them off like I used to.. or maybe the jokes themselves are escalating. At any rate, I plan on thinking out and executing a well thought-out confrontation with a certain person who has been doing that alot.

I am running out of toothpicks...

Oh, to finish this blog. Someone new asked to read my posts. If you get to the bottom here, just, please don't ever talk to me in person about my blog, or reference my entries to me. I might allow one or two exceptions on a case-by-case basis.. but the general rule is, once that starts happening I am going to make this blog private and nobody will read it. It will just be for me to post on. I never want to have a real-time discussion about any of my entries here unless I initiate it. It's ok to post comments, whatever, but as soon as I start caring what people think when I write here, I become less honest with myself and this blog becomes useless as a means to vent. --no matter how seemingly meaningless a piece of information presented may seem. I hope this paragraph wasn't difficult to understand.

"Everything the light touches..."

I guess it's about time I wrote about what I learned over lent.

Today was good, and it wasn't as busy as I thought it would be, but it should have been. I will not have my Korean homework done on time. I got rid of a bunch of video games on my computer today, or, well, I locked them up. Some of those have some really rare cracks, and I wont lose them.

Hootenany practice today went well. lol, I feel like I was just noticed for the first time by my teamsters. I hadn't talked before then, and most of them didn't know about my commitment.

I got in touch with my mom, and I got some more financial aid related stuff done. My roommate just walked out of the room and turned on the light on his way out. The room feels warmer with it on, and I am uncomfortable all of the sudden.... I'm gonna go turn it off.

Learning the lyrics to this song I've had stuck in my head all day. He just came in and turned the light back on.

So lent. I gave up talking in order to become a better listener and to hopefully get some wisdom and closer to God out of the experience. I think I met that goal, but not alone of course. "What has love become?" I prayed alot for my friends and I asked God to help me to be a blessing to them, to show me what blessings are appropriate to give people. I asked God to give me a better appreciation for people, sortof. I kindof asked that indirectly, but the point came across I think. I asked God to help me to appreciate praise and to help me to praise him with my whole self. I finished Psalms near the end of my commitment, and I think that God used that to help me to understand how to think while I praise. Before Lent, I also struggled with how to think while I prayed in general. Like, how do I know who I am praying to? I would sit and I pray into this ethereal nothingness above me. When I pray, should I focus my prayers on the cross? no... that wouldn't make sense, because I shouldn't be praying to icons. Should I focus my thoughts on the space immediately above my head? no... that isn't God. "well, Zac, focus your thoughts on God". It isn't that simple. What is God, and where is he when I am praying? "Zac, He is all around you." "He is in heaven, listening." "He is everywhere." "Wherever two or more are gathered in His Name, there He will be also." Ok, so I have never seen heaven, and that might not even be a physical location. I can't imagine that God is there, and direct my prayers toward that location. I can't point my prayers at the sky, because I want to pray to God, not to the sky. Idk. Those just didn't do it for me. It sounds dumb, probably, but that is something I had an issue with. I just couldn't feel like I was really reaching God. It was like the song "I am starting to think that your voice was really my own, bouncing off the ceiling back to me. Do your clouds stop your voice?"... and while I can't say I came to an answer which I am capable of verbalizing, I think I found my answer to that.

I am still perfecting human relations, I think. I am still working out the difference between loving everyone (including my enemies) and being in love with someone, loving my family, being friendly with others, and tolerating everyone else. I think I made alot of progress with that. I have been much more talkative since I came out of lent. I think that is temporary --at least I hope so. I hate being a talker. I don't really like talkers either. I like people who are good conversationalists, but who can be quiet with me, and who can stop talking to enjoy the fresh air. The feeling of cool, clean air in your lungs, with your eyes closed... This room smells like quesadillas right now.

I got a few other things out of lent. I guess they can be summarized as "closer to God", but they are really more specific than that. I just can't really verbalize them.

I am going to quit and do some English homework and then some Korean homework (if I have time)

"I understand because our hearts are the same...Was that a smile?"

i am so out of it RIGHT NOW. I am going to bed as soon as i finish this blog.

what happened today? nothing really. well, no. stuff happened. i can talk now. i called my korean teacher like she said to, like i said i would. she woke up for the call. lol. i am done with lent. i have a lot to write about and no time to write it. that is just too much to review all at once.

I went to a dance tonight, and I messed up alot, but it was lots of fun.

When I got back, I talked to the guy who invited me to that church with the speaking in tongues. I talked to him for like 30 minutes, and afterwards on the way back to the dorm I kinda tried babbling to myself alittle just to see if I could do it with the same feeling as I did that one time. It didn't really work. When I got to my dorm room I felt really agitated at nothing and I immediately left to go to spear chapel. When I walked through the doors of the chapel, I felt really heavy, and I kinda fell over. I had a panic attack in the prayer room, but it was more than that. More like a heart attack or a seizure. I prayed the whole time for God to get rid of it if it wasn't him, or to make it happen faster if it was. I am not thinking clearly right now. I am still having a little bit of trouble breathing. I feel like my lung collapsed and then came back or something. Not that I am linking that with speaking in tongues or anything, but I think praying helped. I sat and prayed for about 30 mins I think after that. Then I came back and did laundry and told my roommate that I think God is doing something really cool, really soon.. and to be honest I don't know where that came from either, because I don't know what God is doing, and I sure hope it's cool, and I sure hope it's soon. I feel God telling me something, but I just am not hearing it. I have been praying alot about this church --whether I will go to it or not. I am afraid even for that.

I wish I was a better piano player. If I was really good, I would seriously drop out of school, find a nice coffee shop in need of a live pianist, and I think I would just stay there for the rest of my life.

I have computer science homework due tomorrow, which I haven't done. I have english homework due on tuesday, which I haven't done. I have physics homework due on wednesday, and I told myself I would do a problem every night, but I haven't done one tonight. Right now, I just feel dizzy and tired and sweaty and I have a headache behind my ears. I am going to sleep.

So I sent Ms. B and email today asking if I could teach the class how to make R.D.X. in small amounts. The recipe is about $120 if you get quality chemicals (as in, not from ebay), and it only makes like a teaspoon of the chemical, so I figured it was impractical enough to be ok, and on top of that I would be legally obliged to explain to the class why they should never ever ever ever ever actually do it.

Not long after that I had piano lessons. I got distracted and texted my teacher 30 minutes into the lesson saying something like "oh no! im so sorry! i got distracted! can we still have lessons?" and then I apologized again in pretty much every following text in the short conversation. We still had lessons. At the beginning of each lesson we pray. I prayed before I stopped talking, and now she prays. Today, though, was unique, I thought, because she really prayed alot of blessings on me, and made me feel really special. Then, afterward she asked me when I could talk again. I told her tomorrow night at midnight. She said I had to call her right at midnight, and that she would be waiting. I feel really blessed to have her as a friend, and I certainly pray for her as often as I remember to. One or two of the guys in my dorm acted like she must "like" me after that, and it's times like these when I wish I could tell, but I am enjoying being single at the moment. I am not too worried about it.

After that, I walked around campus alittle, and I found a really obscure spot, where I had never thought to go before -- but the view is just great, and I don't think that it gets alot of traffic, so I will be scoping out that spot for the next few days. Maybe I will go there alot more often to relax and pray. That way I wont interrupt people at Spear so often lol. And then I accidentally missed all the Church events that were happening tonight, and I ate pizza. That's pretty much the highlights of my day.

Now, I haven't really thought this one through, but for the past couple of minutes I have been entertaining these two logical arguments. They are kinof "1=-1". The situation is this: imagine person B is being annoyed by person A. Person A is not hurting anyone, and not really doing anything wrong, but he knows he is annoying person B. They get in an argument and these two trains of though occur:

Person A:

You say that you are angry because of what I am doing --that I am causing you to be angry, and essentially, that I am making a poor decision by doing so. However, anger is a choice. Your lack of patience is a choice to be angry. I am not doing anything really wrong, and you are the one causing conflict with your poor decisions.

Person B:

Anger is not a choice, patience is a choice. It is not that I have chosen to be angry, nor that I have chosen not to be patient. Instead, I have simply not chosen to be patient. Anger is instinctive and cannot be removed by choice, only suppressed --and suppression is not an immediate act, but takes time and breath. Therefore, anger is unavoidable for at least the time immediately after it has arrived, and the time it takes to avert is dependent on the actual capabilities of the host. You, knowing what provokes anger, have chosen to put me in a position where I am incapable of feeling anything less, at least for the time being. You have caused the conflict, and you have chosen poorly.

That's what I've got. I figure they are both wrong, but it was a fun argument to invent. I made the arguments real wordy, I know, but I did that to stress certain words, probably most imminent was the word "Chose": "Chosen to be angry"; "Chosen poorly"; etc.. I really wanted to rewrite person B's "not chosen to be patient" to "not yet chosen to be patient" for consistence, but that would allow in a double meaning where one meaning is caught more readily than the other. I realize that without it, his argument seems inconsistent, but it is better for getting my point across.

Well, it's time for bed. I really want some coffee, but I don't have decaf grounds.... ugh, I can just taste it.. I am gonna go make myself some tea before I sleep.

"I hope that I don't sound too insane when I say there is darkness all around us. You talk to me with your voice down so low I barely hear you, but I understand because my heart and yours are the same."

Ok. the rest of today.

Last time I blogged it was right after lunch. I did physics after that, all the way up until physics lab. Now I don't have anymore physics to do. I have no real homework this weekend. (well, I have to make up a 5-7 minute presentation with detailed instructions on how to do something. I think I will give instructions for doing something edgy or illegal, just for kicks.

dig it.

http://www.anarchistcookbookz.com/

(for the right-wing extremist [jk]. more like for the completely stupid. Interesting to know, really dumb to practice. [unless we are conquered by another country and need to fight for our homes or something. you know, on the off chance.])

This could be an interesting experiment. Certainly one that will make my English prof question my sanity. I'l try to keep it relatively low-key. (especially since my English prof seems to have scheduled this assignment to coincide with the renewal of my voice to the public.) The most promising one I have seen so far is the kitchen brew of R.D.X (and a few stabilizing mixtures). The price, altogether, comes down to about 50$ for just a few mL of the stuff making it yourself (unless you happen to have some of the weirder chemicals on hand). Completely impractical for anyone planning anything serious, but still volatile enough to be interesting. I wonder if I will get in trouble for it. Probably not..... I will email the teacher in advance to make sure it's cool.

I actually helped someone else with Lon Cappa today. Much better than being helped. Shane tells me all I do is type all day. I'm listening to Dillinger Escape Plan now. I think I could really get used to Mathcore, and this band practically started it.

Today, I thought about relationships some more. I know that's been a theme of mine lately. I attribute the trend to a sudden increase in campus freshmen couples in the past few weeks. Ok, I don't remember all the logic or depth I went through on this subject, but I did explore what people of several worldviews would think about this. I don't want to run it all through in my mind again, but I think the general idea I arrived at is that any marriage which isn't centered around God is basically a licence to have sex without feeling bad, and is therefore worthless. If you are motivated wrongly, you might as well not be married and just live together and have babies. I think that Christians should go ahead and let gays be married. In fact, I think that we should let marriage deteriorate into nonexistence outside the Church. I think that the Church aught to just give marriages to Christians, (who cares if they have to pay some taxes. Give to Caesar what is Caesars). Let nonChristians work out the stupidity of the whole idea on their own over time. I think marriage would be just fine as a weird practice which only Christians practice. Of course, if Churches were to put what I am suggesting into practice it would tremendously accelerate the moral decline of the world around us. Not necessarily a bad thing, as it could possibly mean the end times, or easier converts in their struggles.

The other thing I thought about today, was how I am starting to feel closer to people. I am beginning to feel a real attachment to certain individuals around campus, and I wonder if they feel the same intense respect for me as I do for them. I could even name them if I named people on here. I think the headcount of people who I am beginning to feel at home with on campus is nearing 5. maybe 6 or 7. It's hard to say. I am still worried about myself around some people.

People keep telling me I need to come up with a good first phrase. I honestly have no idea. Like, that is such a crazy thing to ask. All the really deep phrases are secretly cliches and I don't want to quote anyone (unless it's the Bible, and in that case it had better be an obscure verse or it will be the same thing they here all the time) What I would really like to do is walk in to the quad after about a good half-hour to an hour of praying at Spear (my "real" first words) and scream at the top of my lungs at everyone in the lobby. I have been wanting to do that for a while. I don't think I could bring myself to do it. The last time I remember yelling was on a roller coaster with Gavin, and that's probably just because it was with Gavin that I could do it.

But about that first phrase. Here are my ideas so far: "God loves you"; "*yelling*"; "*something about how doing this doesn't mean my faith is any more hardcore than theirs, as some people have hinted to me*"; "*something simple and anti-climactic like 'hi'*"

and that's all I've got. The next quote isn't being considered for my quote, but I thought it was appropriate to a certain train of thought I have been following lately (and may or may not have mentioned in my blog. If I have or haven't is irrelevant, really).

"Fallen Angel, how you've changed. Poison runs through your veins. Who clipped your wings, so useless? Cut.. You cut them yourself? Chewed off your own.. Good thinking. You were coming apart, and I thought I could help you through the fever"

physics, physics, physics. I have physics lab in 4.5 hours, and I have lon cappa due tonight.

I messed up my vows again today. It was totally random, too. I guess I am getting into kindof a mentality where I feel like I can talk again. It's like, I haven't talked in 43 days, and most people will at least allow themselves to talk on Sundays. I feel like I have already completed the challenge. So what happened was I was walking around msc, and I saw Sean and Deena. I ran up to them, and when I got about 5 feet from them, they totally started making out. So, I jumped in front of them and said "am I gonna have to sit in between you two?!" it's funny, because Deena didn't pick up on my mistake, but Sean did. I didn't even realize it until Sean gave me a funny look.

It's whatever. I have three days left. At this point, I figure I can stop any time and still feel accomplished, but I will ride it out if I can. That and it's just getting especially hard not to talk since I have that kind of attitude about it.

Today has been good so far. I am going to work on my lon cappa until around dinner.

Interesting I am blogging so early in the day. I guess I had to get that out that I had messed up. Well, later. :)