Today, God blessed me a lot.

Tomorrow will be a tired day. As long as I can get some coffee before work starts in the afternoon, I should be really fine. I will be waking up a bit super-early tomorrow. Maybe in enough time to go get some extra coffee.

I'm setting my alarm for 0700 every day instead of only on t/r, with it set to 0740 on m/w/f. This is because this morning, for the second time, I set my alarm for the time class starts instead of the time I want to wake up. Mistakes like this seem to follow me around. Maybe the character defect I've been looking for has branches in that area of my life as well. Maybe I'll be able to triangulate it using that. Idk, I'm too tired to be thinking about that kind of stuff now. Maybe I can use the extra time in the mornings to work more on my book. 3 hours of reading per week isn't gonna finish it by the end of the semester (it seems).

It's 0400. I'm still awake because I practiced piano a lot more than normal tonight, and then I really wanted pizza.

Chowon is always coming back into my mind. She is easily one of the best things in my life right now.

"'Cause I just woke to eat some chocolate and go straight back.. I'll go straight back to bed."

So I wonder sometimes if it is our duty to expose ourselves to things which challenge our faith. Now, if you're like me, your initial response to that will be that suffering challenges your faith and you'll open the psychological conditioning bag of worms... but don't do that. I mean intelligent and well thought-out academic responses to Christianity. I flipped through an Atheist Handbook a while back and it really startled me. It didn't take me long to regain balance, but I looked hard for answers to those questions, and I know there are still questions I haven't answered -- but I want to make sure that the answers I find are empirical.... and that might be impossible sometimes...

The experience was strengthening for me. If I can take the headers in the Atheist Handbook, then maybe I can take the rest of it, too. The point is I think we shouldn't let ourselves become so comfortable in our Christian bubble that we forget that there is legitimate opposition to what we believe.

We always look at the rest of the world saying, "If only they would just look at the facts with an open mind! Haven't we seen irrefutable material presented for the case of Christianity?" No. We have seen our side of the argument only. We can't expect the rest of the world to listen to us with an open mind unless we also listen to them with an open mind.

On another note. Chowon has been super sweet lately. Thanks Chowon, for doing your best to look out for me. I want to do the same for you.

"I wouldn't let 'em do it for all the farms in Cuba!"

OK. So I'm really excited about this. I've been troubled for some time by some problems with scripture.


1. Matthew seems to say that there are 14 generations leading to Jesus, immediately following an account where only 13 generations are presented.
2. The lineages of Jesus differ greatly between Matthew and Luke.
3. Jechoniah of Matthew 13 (G2423) shares a name with Coniah (H3204), a man who was told that his seed would never be allowed to sit on the throne of David. Therefore, he cannot have taken part in Jesus' lineage.
4. Scripture is God-inspired and cannot be false by any respect.

I did some research and here's what I found out:


First off, this website:
http://www.peshitta.org/bethgazza/Gabra.htm


1. To summarize, the site is a long word-study on G435, the word for 'husband' in Matt1:16 ("Joseph, the G435 of Mary). The word-study concludes that the word can be translated "father". The website uses English letters in some weird ways, but after doing some other research, I think it's legit.

This would make sense since David's line is supposed to rule, and Mary's father isn't mentioned anywhere else in the Bible, so this could very well be the lineage of Mary, whose father was also named Joseph.

This is indeed the only way I've found to make sense of the scripture, since we need 14 generations and with this Joseph as Mary's husband, we only have 13.


2. If Matthew gives the lineage of Mary and Luke gives the lineage of Joseph, husband of Mary, then it's ok for them to have different lineages.


3. It's true. The name Jechoniah from Matthew 11 is G2423, which comes from H3204, which is the Hebrew equivalent, Coniah. Coniah was a descendant of David whose descendants were never allowed to rule on David's throne (Jer 22:30). Here, I did a study of my own:

Check Jeremiah 22:24. This Coniah's father's name was Jehoakim (H3079). Well, Jechonia's father's name in Matthew 1:11 was Josiah (G2502) which was from H2977 (also Josiah). Looking at the 2 Kings 22:34, we see that Jehoakim was also Josiah's son. So, this leads us to believe that Jechoniah was Coniah's uncle, and they had the same name in the Hebrew. Problem solved.

Here's the lineage tree for Coniah and Jechoniah:

...........Joisah
............../\
...|.....................|
Eliakim...........Jechoniah
...|
Coniah

"...because He will save His people from their sins."

In 7 minutes I get to stay awake for 3 more hours. By virtue of its inconvenience, it is intended to bring about a good far greater than I presently understand.

I got a 2 hour nap, but I think I'm gonna have to push my sleep cycle around a full circle soon.

Chowon and I have been talking more seriously about the future. I don't know if I like it or not. We have only been together for about 7 months, but since we're long-distance, and international travel takes so much planning, she has told me several times that she wants us to have a plan for the future.

Everything changes so fast all the time. I have a hard time planning ahead that far... All I could figure for a plan was that after I graduated we might get married. A little bit of asking around yielded that it'll be hard for her to get a job without a GC and it'll be hard for her to get a GC without a job, but marriage can expedite both of those things. It's just that.... the "M" word, "marriage" scares me to death. I don't think I'm ok with talking about it right now, but it's almost like I don't have a choice.
..But I love her, I'm really really glad we're together, and I fully intend for us to stay together. That in mind, I guess it's not so bad to think of marriage as a possibility. The hard part is just thinking about marriage at all.

Ahhhh.... that and me being in trouble. There are moments when I don't think about it, but it's pretty much always on my mind.

I just wanna think about the next step, and not worry about the ones after. Is that possible in the modern world?

"As you stare into the vacuum of his eyes and ask him 'do you wanna make a deal?'"

Today is day .5 of wearing glasses. It's weird, because I feel like the world around me tends to bend more.

The world took an interesting turn today. It appears that everything has stopped for just a little while...

I'm checking things off my list, and my phone is no longer on silent.

Chowon was angry with me today, and just like all good things, she reminded me how quickly a tall tower topples. However, she was justified.

Sometimes I wonder if I am a pushover... I mean, I strongly believe and have always been taught that battles should be picked carefully. Many things don't matter, and lots of fights are started over something where neither party is right or wrong. More often than not, it's better to let the other person be right. That's not always easy, but it's something that I work on a lot. Besides that, I like to think that I'm not a pushover if I legitimately don't care. But then what does that make me?

Tired. Ever since two weekends ago I haven't slept much. I have been trying to keep up with school, and last Sat and Sun I had morning stuff to do so I couldn't sleep in, and I had night stuff to do so I stayed up late. Today talking with Chowon, I was blessed with my last little ounce of wit. God must have seen me and been with me. I have been severely cloudy-headed all evening, and tonight's sleep is going to be exactly what I need.

God, thanks for everything. I'll read about it tonight.

"So: I forgive you."

"How does it matter to you if I am happy?"
"Do you really think that your happiness doesn't matter to me?"
"Why this timing?"
"Is it really hard for you to say it back to me?"


...

"Who do you think you're talking to?"

...

Were I to describe my reaction to that...

I have decided that before I redefine the world around me, I should first clarify myself -- that isn't to say it isn't something I've been trying to do forever, but in this case I have a specific area for measuring, so I can compartmentalize my thoughts and organize a "paradigm" for changing.

I've got spring break fever. I've had it for a few days now, but as the time approaches, restlessness seems to grind at any fault line between reality in the sense of an honest hope and reality from a realist perspective. I have a plan to get ahead on my community service. There are several great reasons to do that, but I also have a theory that nothing anyone does goes without a motive for personal gain -- then follows a challenge to prove me wrong. So then what can I honestly say is my motive for doing this? I don't intend to get ahead in the sense of possibly skipping service later. So what? ... Is it really to "show them that I care about what's happening?"

...That is: of course I care what's happening. I've never consciously acknowledged a sensitivity to the opinions of people who don't like me... or people holding a gun to my self-respect. I suppose, among other things, that is a reason.

Ok, so today I closed my eyes and focused, trying to perform a "paradigm shift" as it were. I don't think I've completely got it yet, but I anticipate fruition within a relatively short time (in a cosmic sense lolol). What I'm thinking is... if I want to repair myself in this context, I should focus on my presuppositions, assumptions, and ultimately my worldview (as defined...) -- which is contained within my mind(?), which is part of my body. "I am not merely present in my body as a sailor is present in a ship..." Descartes says that we have a clear conception of our spiritual and physical substance, and the difference therein, whether or not we can put it to words simply -- answering the question "since thinking or thought is an attribute, to what substance does it belong?" (and defeating his answer by cryptically saying that it's obvious).

"I could not conceive of an imperfect triangle unless there were in me the idea of a perfect one, since the former is the negation of the latter. Thus, when I see a triangle, I have a conception of a perfect triangle, and it is by comparison with this that I subsequently realize that what I am seeing is imperfect..."

The idea that I'm gonna draw from that quote is that within me is an image of the way I should be, and the trick is articulating it to myself in such a way as to either defeat or supplement the rest of my worldview (or at least what of it that is accessible to me).

[These are all from the same "conversation" with Burman. Descartes is a hero of mine...]

So, having been given a direction by my judges, the task is mine to throw elements of thought and idea at it until they stick. Once I have discovered exactly what changes need to be made, I can erect a new pillar to hold up some ceiling of righteous action to keep the rain out and allow me more indoor-motion (within a house of established moral codes and ethics). Where outdoor motion runs the risk of getting me in trouble.

"This limitation is so great that it is only with the greatest difficulty that we can imagine even a heptagon or an octagon."