Today was pretty good. I got kinda glum after the frisbee game; the other team had bad sportsmanship, and I kept getting advice yelled to me, even though at the time we were making goals and I had already caught the frisbee twice >:(

But whatever, it's a game. Dana gave me a hug and bought me jalapeno poppers, and that kinda helped me cheer up. After that I went and played piano until I was back to my normal self. That one girl with yellow eyes was there. They're like bright yellow stars, and it's hard not to stare. But Idk who she is, really. I don't plan on putting much effort into getting to know her. Ian and Tyler and Dana and Abbey and that whole crowd are great people, but they're a bunch of drama. Besides... I'm still trying to focus.

Tyler M is planning to propose -- that's really exciting ;)

수렴

That's the word Google Translate gave me for "Convergence". I intend to ask Tae Young about the exact translation, but it's one of those useless words I'd like to know.

"Let me be filled with the sounds of your grace and mercy."

Ah, that was just what I needed for my mood.

Sitting in my room, door closed, headphones on, not available for conversation, not open to the world right now. I'm not feeling well tonight.

Idk if it's just because I've wondered often when it would come, but I am beginning to notice that feeling again -- the one where I don't want to be here anymore. It's early, but I've never left a place like this just to come back to it.

Idk.. maybe it's just what's been happening lately, solidifying in my mind that I don't belong. I'm always a little bit worried that I'm making a bad image, but people usually assure me that I'm not. Then again, I am pretty bad at taking hints. It could be that I'm at a disadvantage having been gone all last semester...So, well, I don't have a roommate next semester. Tyler, maybe my closest friend in the dorm besides Shane, says he doesn't want to room with me or anyone else here. I understand why; we have very different personalities and I might annoy him a lot. I could try to change his mind, but it would mean losing some dignity. I didn't really want to room with David ring, but I asked anyway. He doesn't. The way this will work is, if you can't find someone to room with, you won't live in the new dorm.
So I look around at the crowd of people in my dorm who don't have roommates: only people who are either leaving (Tyler) or don't mesh well with others (CHD, Joseph). Maybe I should just leave. I'd probably fit well with the trinities; I have lots of friends there... and I was invited to Thomas before.... no. I'll take whatever roommate I can get this semester so I have a place to stay next semester, and then I'll pledge. I have good friends in AO, and I've been invited in before.

Well, I have to Skype in like 10 minutes...

Play Chords in Music - wikiHow

Play Chords in Music - wikiHow

*Score*

I've been searching for like two hours for just a basic explanation of what the symbols on chord sheets mean. I've got two friends who say they'll teach me piano. I should really get in touch with them. Idk why I haven't yet. I'm sure I'll get to it eventually. Well, it's 12:50 and lunch closes at 2, so I'm gonna go eat.

Tomorrow I have EPM at 2:00PM, Skype with Chowon at 11:00PM (it will probably go until midnight) and then I have to work at 4:00 AM the next morning. I'm not officially working because of something with my signature. Idk, I think I'm doing everything wrong since I got accepted for the job. I was clueless at orientation, making a fool of myself -- but there was little I could do to resolve it. And at shift signups, I asked around and they said I could use a picture instead of a signature, because some people do that. I used a star because that's what I often use for signatures at the dorm, but the lady who tallies shifts or whatever didn't know it and didn't put me on the official shift list. Maybe I'll get paid overtime? I don't think that would be honest. I'll just keep taking things as they come and hope everything works out.

Oh, and to top off tomorrow's schedule, I have to write a 5 page essay due on Monday, because I wrote the wrong essay. ... on the bright side, that means I'm ahead for the next essay.

Ugh....

Gabbi pointed out to me that I am still emotionally damaged. I think I'm better the way I am now, but the learning process has definitely left me with baggage.

I told the girl from new years eve that things aren't gonna work out. She still wants to see me this spring break. I'd like to accommodate her, but I don't think it's gonna happen. I have lots of plans, and I think this is gonna be a full break.

Realization always seems to be staring me in the face. What's mine is never mine -- I have to share the future. My definitions are still selfish, but that will change next year when the government sends me maturity. Sometimes I think that if I had complete control over anything ever, ever, ever, no matter how small... I might be consumed trying to orchestrate it.

God allows a coin toss to be random out of love for us; an 8 can only tell someone what the water already knows... each cresting wave can tell us exactly where that last stone fell, but it can't tell you whether or not your next throw will skip. When we follow something fallible, it leads us to folly.

"You already are"

Jihye finally got in touch with me. She said she wanted to Skype, but then cancelled the appointment. I don't have another one with her. I'm just gonna let her initiate contact for a while. I sent her a few emails she didn't respond to before, so it's definitely her turn.

I'm becoming really cautious of people who seem perfect for me. The last girl I knew who did everything right was Hyewon and that didn't turn out well. Jihye seems to not really care much. There's a girl here at LeTU who seems to do everything right, too, and I'm thinking that nothing should come of this, because those tend to go awry. That brings us to just one person. Right now, I'm pretty much sold out in like with Chowon. If she makes it to America, I'm gonna ask her on a date or two and then ask her to be my girlfriend. From here out, I'm gonna take Morgan's advice and focus my attention on developing a stable friendship with just the girl I like, so nobody gets lead on. I think what we have with the Skype appointments is great, and I think that after a while, if we can turn that into a solid, stable long-distance friendship, and if she gets to come to LeTU, we'll have the foundations laid for a working long-distance relationship. ... I'm thinking really far ahead. I wonder what she thinks of me. I don't know what's clear and what isn't. It's always like this, I'm just gonna go for it.



I wonder what she thinks.

"You're tense."

It's kindof like having nothing to keep you down or to keep you from leaving; no roots beneath your feet. If you were stuck in one place, you'd try to take the sky down with you (like a tree takes as much light as it can and only branches out further and wider toward it's goal -- like it's eating the sky), but you're free to forget; free to ignore whatever you don't like. You'll be gone sooner than you normally admit. A stray dog, wandering everywhere, weighing the consequences, defying it's loyal nature by necessity alone. You eat the scraps and take anything and everything you can get. If you relied on anything before, you don't now.

Oh well.

What does an animal dream about if it doesn't have an imagination?

"Should you return, you are my Sunshine."