Today was the special Olympics. There were some clouds early in the day, and that was nice, but those didn't last all day. I had to focus to not cop an attitude, but I think I did a good job of that.

This week has been super rough. It started with the prob/stat test that I thought was a quiz on Monday.. Monday night I studied Linear Algebra 'till late. Then on Tuesday I had the thing at the Boys and Girls club, got back exhausted: no studying.

Wednesday I spent way too long on an extra credit assignment in the labs, turns out I needed my textbook, so I ran back to the room to finish the assignment in my room, but my excel doesn't have the plugins it needs. I finished the assignment using just the textual programming, without the results. Then I found out it was actually due last week... how'd I miss that?

Thursday I busted my butt trying to finish assignments due Friday and to review all the material for my Friday classes so I'd know what questions to ask.

Friday I had back-to-back meetings with profs, and during my free time before that I reviewed almost all of the material I have for prob/stat to make my notes for the final. As a result of those meetings I couldn't make it to the B&G club.

Friday night Chowon and I had that missed meeting, and I stayed up a bit later to wait for her contact -- the "30 minutes" -- I didn't get ahold of her until an hour later, and by then it was about 2am and I needed to wake at 5, so we got to talk for like 2 minutes and it was just on the phone.

I left for the Spec Olympics at ~6am and returned at ~5pm. I started studying right when I got back, went to dinner, and didn't really take a break until 9pm. I couldn't focus anymore because I really wanted to talk to Chowon, so I went skateboarding with box for an hour or two, waiting for my meeting with Chowon.

As I write this, I still haven't really cleaned up. I'm still dirty and sweaty from 'volunteering' because I wanted to get right to work, and my break was spent trying to clear my head.

Chowon begins our conversation by hurriedly telling me that we can't talk much today -- we didn't get to talk on video. I feel like I haven't had a conversation with her in good-quality video-Skype in ages.

This week has not been enjoyable for me. I've had an hour break here and there, but nothing that fulfills me.

Oh... and to top it off, it turns out AO has voted to reject me for staying in the house during the summer, and they emailed Lehman about it, but didn't send me anything about it. Lehman called me during the Spec Olympics to ask me about a meeting with him to discuss housing payments. I find out 3 days after the email to Lehman that I could have spent the past 3 days finding alternative housing. Why? Because they don't have the guts to tell me themselves? I'm not even gonna get into everything wrong with this picture.

"I need all my grain to prosper and grow."

"The last train is nearly due,
The underground is closing soon,
And in the dark deserted station,
Restless in anticipation
A man waits in the shadows.

"His restless eyes leap and scratch,
At all that they can touch or catch,
And hidden deep within his pocket,
Safe within it's silent socket,
He holds a colored crayon.

"And the train is gone suddenly
On wheels clicking silently
Like a gently tapping litany
And he holds his crayon rosary
Tighter in his hand

"Now from his pocket quickly he flashes,
The crayon on the wall he slashes,
Deep upon the advertising,
A single worded poem comprised
Of four letters.

"And his heart is laughing, screaming, pounding
The poem across the tracks rebounding
Shadowed by the exit light
His legs take their ascending flight
To seek the breast of darkness and be suckled by the night."

Taking the ordinary, the disgusting, the bleak and confusing, the rejected, and making them beautiful again. Cheers this morning to Simon and Garfunkel.

Tomorrow is the Special Olympics...

On one hand, I understand the value of this, and the importance of it, and I feel a strong urgency in doing whatever the lawyer says will help our case. On the other hand, I feel that if the DA knew what's been going on with us since the incident -- how the stress, disappointed fathers, crying mothers, and potential for lost future, (not to mention David's gf breaking up with him,) has broken our motivation, damaged our self esteem, and pushed us down... from talking with the other guys, how we've each seen a drop in our grades immediately after the event, how we each desperately need this weekend to study for finals on Monday morning... I'm sure the DA appreciates how much having a felony on our record could hurt our job futures, but if he saw the impact it's had on us, he might give us rides back to campus from the Special Olympics himself.

Then again... there's all that, but on the other hand, we don't have it all that bad. Say we don't get good jobs in the future like we wanted... I'm sure someone will take us. After all, we're smart kids, right?

I just saw the time and remembered a meeting with Chowon tonight... Usually she's a little bit late and I'm waiting for her... but not this long... ... She's not answering the phone. Dangit, I shouldn't have gone to that movie. I knew I would get distracted and forget, even though it didn't stall me that long. I'm gonna call once or twice more. Hopefully she'll forgive me.

...

:/ she didn't even call me or text me to see where I was. ... I wonder if she forgot, too....

I tried to get in touch with her yesterday, but she didn't answer then either.... but it was under the pretext that I thought that was our meeting....

Oh! She answered!

Ah she forgot too. *whew*

But still, this wasn't ok. Now I really wish I had that time to talk to her....... She said she'd be done in 30 minutes. I'm gonna stay awake and wait for her. Tomorrow will be a tired, hot, sweaty day of work for the community anyway since I'm getting less than 5 hours of sleep, but this way at least I get to see Chowon's face again.

I'll go see if I can get some coffee grounds from Ben for tomorrow morning. A tall cup of coffee might just set the day right... at least until the Olympics are over.

"My Zachary."

I need to buy a new big eraser. I accidentally left the last one in Circuits class and it got stolen.... I wrote my name on it hoping someone would give it back to me, because those are a pain to not have when you need em.

 At the boys and girls club today, whoever usually does 2nd grade wasn't there, so I had to take over. I was able to command the class only to an extent. Up 'till now I've just been hanging out with them on their level and trying to have fun. Oh well. I guess I should have a lesson plan ready for back-up just in case I get that pushed on me again.

 The Special Olympics are this Saturday, and I have to be ready to caravan at this place at 6AM. I'm definitely not liking the earliness.... but I hear they're really short-handed..... and I'm such a good citizen.
*deep breath*
Ah, I guess I really can't complain. Hopefully I won't be too wired when I get back so I can sleep... or hopefully I'll have plenty of energy so I can study... or something... It's gonna make my studying schedule really weird this weekend.. How long does the Special Olympics last?

 Chowon told me last night "lets talk tomorrow". I always forget she's busy all through lunch on Wednesday or I woulda called her sometime in the morning for her. I hope she's having a good day.

 The presentation today was really good.

 I'm so tired... Like, emotionally tired. I could sleep for 7 hours, drink a tall cup of coffee, and no matter how much energy I have I could still go sleep. Maybe a dozen more people will tell me how this is a growing experience and being in trouble happens and I'd better keep on the straight and narrow or else.

 Google decided to force everyone to use the new blogger. Good plan. Rearrange all the buttons. Real innovative.

 I haven't played piano in a long time. I need a teacher... someone to hold me accountable for practicing.

 "I dig farmers, don't shoot me please."

So I've been doing community service with the boys and girls club. Those kids are downright adorable. They all have started calling me "Shaggy", saying that I look like Shaggy from Scooby-Doo lololol. I do really need a haircut haha. I have been holding off on that until the summer so I can have a job for it, or maybe I'll get it when I get an interview or something idk^^

Things have been going pretty great with community service. My old boss says I'm a good worker and that he'll hire me for real money whenever I want. Sometimes I don't want to do the work, but I always enjoy it when I'm there.

The kids at the boys and girls club had a creative writing project, where they could write a story about whatever they wanted. One of the kids wrote about me :) I took a picture:



I Googled the imagery, and he's referencing an "adult" game about a scantily clad girl named Lollipop who kills zombies with her chainsaw. I assume the "power chop" is a move in the game. Kinda flattering anyway.

I've listened to this song like 9 times today.



I'm workin on a package for Chowon. Yesterday I made some communication mistakes... I want to be the best I can for her, so I have to know when I'm messing up. She's so good to me, though. Sometimes I wonder how I could be with someone like her... I mean.. I don't deserve to be blessed this much.

"You're SO LATE!!"

Tomorrow I have a Linear Algebra test. Chowon, I think, is testing now. She said she's be finished at, I think, 2. I'm waiting for her to be done so I can call her, but I really want to go to bed~~~~

She said "be ready to congratulate or comfort me". I'm so up for this. I just have to not say "I really need to go soon". ... This is something I can do for her. I'll make some coffee tonight and have it ready for tomorrow morning, and I'll stay up as long as she wants me -- but I'll let her know that the test is early tomorrow morning.

I really like this song. IMO it's way better than the original.

http://www.wimp.com/somebodyknow/

...

Ok. Coffee made. It's 12:20. Time to call Chowon... if I remember correctly. I think I was tired at the time, I wish I would have taken a note.

...

Ok, no answer. I'll send a text. on the bright side, now I have coffee^^ Say a prayer for me on the test tomorrow.

Today was my last day with LeTU Community service at Grounds. It was kinda sad, but I hope I get to hang with them some more in the future. The boss there is definitely a character reference for future jobs, I think.

"All the mysteries of the universe...something they would just intuit."

Time for bed.

Today I worked at the Boys and Girls club of Gregg County. It was pretty fun, and some of those kids were really really cute. Some were a little bit ornery, but I guess that's bound to happen when you get that many in one place. It really reminded me of public school -- not allowed to talk sometimes, not allowed to stand if you want, not even allowed to pass notes; very strict. I guess that's the way you have to be with kids. I hope I can do what's best for my kids when the time comes.

Come to think of it, it's really amazing how smoothly we transition from that kind of extremely limited freedom to adult freedom... little by little over such a long time.

Finances are such a pain. I have to get more W2s for the school so that we can get our school loans and whatever. Everything has to be done so carefully.

I have a confirmation number in my email inbox saying that I paid the full amount for a speeding ticket I got in Louisiana 2 or 3 months ago.... but today I got a phone call from the district there saying that the ticket had a 25$ balance unpaid. They gave me a number to call to pay it off, and I called it. The person who answered reviewed my file and said I had paid it all and it was waiting for review from the DA. However, my name was spelled wrong in their files and my email address was messed up there too, so it's weird or impossible that they could have sent me the confirmation number. My instinct is to think "Maybe I paid the wrong person? Maybe I got scammed?" but then it wouldn't be 'mostly paid', it would be 'not paid'. Anyway, there's obviously something wrong with the system over there. I sincerely hope it gets resolved.

"If I ask the same questions... if I ask the same questions... it's because everyone who answers me is a liar.

I figure that this week will be a tired one no matter what I do. However, from past experience, I think that with some patience I can become so tired that I become a zombie. As a zombie, I don't retain information for exceptionally long, but I take great notes, I survive as long as I have coffee, and I don't feel much of anything at all... including tiredness until it's time for bed.

That in mind, I've decided that I will lose sleep tonight in exchange for getting ahead on homework. Right now I'm sortof awake, and it's already 2:30. I have 1 or 2 more assignments to do before I'm where I want to be. Hopefully I can finish them.

Hopefully there are no quizzes next week.

Hopefully nobody makes plans for me this Saturday. Dangit I'm gonna sleep in this weekend! You know how much it messes up my week when I have to wake up on Saturday?? Yet for the past like 3 weeks, each sat someone else has something for me to do at 9am.

rofl, I really wish I would have had that sleep yesterday.

Community service might break my back this semester. Hopefully I don't have to stay another extra semester. If that happens I might just have to get a full time job and do school while I work. I was pretty tore-up about it a few hours ago.

Chowon, as always, gives me energy with her supportiveness, and encourages me to talk to God. God is so good to me. She is truly a blessing.

Nevertheless...I'm so frustrated with the world. If the world were perfect, we would have been simply picking up trash. If it were perfect, V wouldn't have popped his lid. If the world were even organized, my punishment would be tailored to be most conducive to my actually doing well in school despite it. The thought of staying an extra semester here bothers me immensely. After AO last semester and then this happening this semester, I just want to graduate fast and leave TX never to return. Last time I was here wasn't a particularly good experience either, what with Tony F. and his 4some pushing me around all through middle school. TX cocked it's head to shoot me down, and I know the score. I lose.

"I hope there's something better up there."

The sky dresses itself in a dark shade of gray. Already it has lost control of the clouds, and gives them to gravity. Gathering, standing still, giving, scattering, varying, threatening; does the cloud know that it comes to meet such a group as we?

I told the fac. about my blog. He says he has nobody to give it to. That's what I get for assuming the worst. Are they a business or a pile of ants? I'm sure that the world will turn to a new event and I will be forgotten, as I have myself and others many times before.

"I need you now more than ever."

Today I revisited some old blogs today. Particularly some blogs I had forgotten about: the two books I wrote on April 25th, 2010 -- while I was preparing to go to Korea.

Reading these reminded me of a state of mind which had fastened itself to my back and grown heavy, and still occasionally revisits me. These days, however, it seems my fury has much calmed -- like my mom said it would; she used to tell me about how many the things which are "so important" in my youth will be recognized as fights not-worth-fighting when I get older, and how I will learn the value of boredom and forget the troubles of the world. It's better this way. Within the next 20 years my mind will begin to decline, and as it slowly rots in my skull... I hope that hope, faith, and happiness survive the longest.

I was so involved in hatred and frustration with God and LeTourneau and the world at that time, and I wondered if Korea was exactly what I needed. It was. God definitely planned for me to go to Korea and learn how good I have it... but can't it be so much better?

I consider in that chapter if God's plan would place an open door in Korea. .. Something to get me walking in the right direction.. I think it did.

Run-on sentences and long paragraphs aside, though, I don't think I can more eloquently describe my insecurities and my problems with the world than I did in my blogs from that month (and immediately surrounding period).

"Holy holy is His sacrament; $30 pays your rent."

Happy Easter :)

Today we talked about zombie-Lazarus in church. The pastor gave a really cool message starting with the resurrection of Lazarus, and then the part of the Bible where Jesus says "Before Abraham was born, I AM." And about how they were gonna stone him and stuff, and then about the story of how God got the name "I AM" in the first place. The pastor emphasized the part where God says "This will be my name *forever*".

I have been struggling for some time with symbolism. I know that Jesus loosened up the rules for us a lot when he died, but back then they wouldn't even say God's name because it was 'too holy' and 'too powerful'. Isn't it equally powerful and holy now? When the Bible says "don't use the Lord's name in vain" I think it means, "use the Lord's name only in emergencies". That is... your instinct might be to say "it's not in vain if we're using His name to praise Him," but I'm proposing that we shouldn't do that.

They sing a song in the church that I attend with the lyrics "We love to shout your name, Yaweh". I've always skipped over that part, because I know that God hears us, and if He told us that He only wants us to use His name in emergencies, and if we are God's image in parts of our personality, then he probably tunes people out who talk too much. The Bible even says "Do not babble vain words, as the nations. For they think that in their much speaking they shall be heard. Therefore do not be like them, for your Father knows what things you have need of, before you ask Him."

So basically God knows what we need before we ask, so we can keep our prayers short and concise. However, we should still keep the right (broken/contrite/whatever else) heart when we pray. God deserves all the respect and humbleness we can muster.

But anyway, back on topic... long-story-short, I came to the decision that the name, in Hebrew, by which God calls himself in Exodus 3:14, "I AM THAT I AM" is the name for God. I know this might not be the most well researched conclusion, but I'm gonna kinda try to memorize it. From a few passages in Romans I gather that what's holy to one person isn't necessarily holy to another. That's to say that it doesn't matter if I'm wrong. God will honor my efforts to respect him, and without seeming too judgmental, I think other people should make some things more sacred, too. Maybe not necessarily a name, but it seems to me that names are kindof important.... oh well..

"I struggle with the feeling that my life isn't mine."

I feel like there's something in my mind that I want to get out so badly... but I can't think of what it is.

I feel like there's something special I could be saying right now, but I don't know what it is. I almost think there's something I aught to say, but I can't.

Maybe put some fancy design around my quote today:

.~*'but I look for reason only when I'm awake...'*~.

... I don't think that's it.

Chowon and I have talked every day for a long time now, and during those talks I'm in such a heightened emotional state... I wonder if I'd become slightly addicted to it. I wonder if this is as weird or difficult[?] for her as for me. Each time I saw a genuine smile on her face I wanted to magnify it. Each time her voice took on that slight tone of kind insecurity I wanted to give her every good thing within me to restore her confidence, because nobody that sweet deserves to feel inadequate. Each time she was sick or depressed I wanted to give her all my health and happiness to restore her. There has not been a tone of her voice but those which I've kept in the deepest part of my heart.

I get to thinking on tangents like that sometimes. Writing about it makes me feel like a hopeless romantic: Someone who, by becoming too attached, makes himself repulsive.

I wonder if she'd prefer more of a "tough-guy".

I mean... I can be that...

But what am I saying?

She said she thought she was becoming dependent on me. Why have I any reason to doubt her love for me? Instead of introspecting, I should pray for her to find God in a better way.

This will be my resolution: During this time, I will pray every day (and whenever I think of it) for her to develop a firmly rooted reliance on God for her self-esteem and comfort. It is the best way.

"We're all prisoners here, locked up by our minds."

Today I have wondered a lot if I am the cause of Chowon's recent distress. Was I too attached? Did I scare her away? Am I going through too much and putting too many of my burdens on her? Is it better for me not to tell her when things are going wrong? Why did she not tell me she loved me until the very end, when I asked her to... she is normally very outspoken about that... unless she's mad at me. Was she mad? Should I be pursuing her now? Does she want me to keep calling her even though she said we should be distant? How can I know? I told her I wouldn't... I should stick with what I said.

I hope we didn't miscommunicate...

The meeting with Chad today seemed more like what my impression of counselling was, but still not quite what I've expected. I'm sure he'll ease into something very definable. I mentioned my blog, and he said he didn't know about it. Maybe I'll send it to him... maybe not.

Community service today was in the rain. It rained pretty hard, and when it let up, we went to dig trenches for irrigation. I had to take off my shoes because my feet were sinking about 4 inches into the mud. -- However, strangely enough, I really enjoyed it. The fresh air and work were refreshing, and the mud and dirt felt cool and comfortable between my toes. The group I work with has a unique, but somehow typical assortment of personalities. All of them are very fun and nice to me, so far. The boss, Scott, has a very awkward demeanor one-on-one, but his smile makes him seem like he was so unprepared for happiness as to be surprising to me as his audience. As a group, I'd say they have a very winning personality.

"Someday when things are slow again..."

So the past week or two I have been doing all the initiating with Chowon. Calling her, and texting her, and she would call back if she missed it, and she was always very sweet so I was only minimally worried about it.

Then she told me she was feeling depressed, and that explained why I was the one initiating. However, it put me in a weird spot. I really don't want to annoy Chowon, but I wanted so badly to be there when she was depressed. I called her and texted her often.

Then yesterday she said that she felt like she was slowly becoming dependent on me... (for happiness and contentment; to not feel alone). We talked about it a bit, I kinda stumbled around trying to nail down the point that I think it's ok to love humans and to try not to be alone with respect to other humans, but that everyone should ultimately become satisfied with God... because we can never fully escape loneliness; it's bound to happen to us sometimes. I told her that, more or less. Then I tried to cheer her up a bit and get her thinking about good things God is doing for her.

She's definitely caught up in some powerful spiritual warfare around her. I really hope she can be strong and continue looking for God.

She said thanks. She said she doesn't want to talk "tomorrow or the day after" (not with an angry tone). I told her that I respected that and would not call her, but would wait for her to contact me first. It was a really calm, but heartfelt conversation. I thought the mood was sad and loving on both ends. Before we hung up, I told her I was sad because I don't know when we'll talk again and she said she'd contact me within one week. It reminds me a lot of when I asked her out and she made me wait. She then she said she loved me (but...only after I asked her to...) and we said goodbye.

Since then, it's only been one day, but I want to talk to her much and often -- maybe just because I can't. I've resisted contacting her... I'll wait.. My confidants have asked me if she will break up with me. I think that she won't.... but I am notably clueless about these things.

One of my good friends lost his girlfriend yesterday, but she said it might just be temporary. He's clinging to that. I hope she means it. She'd be missing out without a guy like him.

"The priest, the book, or the congregation..."