Finished more than half of my to-do list today, which is great. I think this is the start of "having more motivation." Tomorrow will be the true test of my motivation, as I have planned a few meetings and also have planned to work on Data Structs -- the one project I've been dreading. Actually... I've been dreading the circuits work I aught to be doing even more. Completely exhausted and a bit depressed just thinking about it.

Also I need to do some class registration stuff....

Wrote my resume today for IT. I should turn that in ASAP. I am not entirely confident in my resume writing skills. I sent it to my RD for review before I send it to IT.

Got the present for Chowon in the mail today and mailed it off to her promptly. For lack of money I didn't get tracking or insurance. I will have to trust God that it gets to her.

I have some money put away and I really need to get rid of it or I'll be tempted to spend it. ....... I know what I'll do.

Sometimes my thoughts wander and I begin to doubt the bond between Chowon and I. I think it's a common thing to do, but especially in a long-distance relationship. Then I talk to her again and I am reminded again that our feelings are mutual. Chowon and I have to schedule our appointments very carefully because of our busyness. It's kindof like that with God. Sometimes I doubt my relationship with God, but then he communicates with me and I am reminded of his love. I also believe that God likes schedules. Like, if we go to a fixed quiet place every week or so and show commitment to reserve that time for God regularly, even if God doesn't show up the first few times, he'll see your commitment and begin to show up and meet with you. The hard part is just making those meetings fixed to begin with. It works -- call me crazy, but I know from experience, and I'm convinced that anyone else will experience God in a similar way if he shows God that he/she wants it by demonstrating this kind of commitment.


I wish everyone would go to sleep on time.

"hmm maybe rabbit? :)"

Ahhh.... jobless.... ^^* Hopefully I'll be back to work soon, though. Looking at some other opportunities. IT (jokingly?) offered me a job, but I'm gonna try to hold them to it.

Chowon and I got to talk for the first time in a while today. Talked a bit today about what kinds of failure are acceptable. She sang this really cute song when we were running out of things to say lol. I guess it's not that we're running out of things to talk about, but almost like the awkward silence is a natural consequence of being enamored with one another. When I see her face, even just through Skype, I think I could sit and stare at her and be content... Too bad it doesn't work like that.

Today I answered some emails. I'm truly dreading getting back to school. I just want this semester to be over. I want to spend time with my family. I want to sleep all day. I want to see Chowon in person. I want to play with Gwen and Lainey. I want to finally have time to talk to Gavin. I want to drink hot chocolate on my parent's couch.

Thanksgiving was cool. Hung out with Jess and Dad and Mom. Got to have some good conversations with Dad. Got to make fun of Jess. Got to hear more of Mom's ideas. All fun^^

This year, I'm thankful for emotional vulnerability. That is... I'm thankful that people can effect each other's emotions for better or worse by acting towards one another (directly/indirectly). I'm glad that I can make people laugh sometimes, and I'm glad that seeing people laugh makes me happy.

"Actually, I'm all out of sandwich material."

Meeting with IT today was ok. Skipped morning classes to turn in some projects for Data Structs. Did well in physical endurance test for Fatness. Flooded (not adrenaline) and skipped EDM.

That pretty much sums up today.

Oh, I tried jazz today on piano. I was able to maintain a "snazzy" rhythm for a minute or two on just one hand. Someday it will be an hour or two with both hands and a foot. I intend to spend a few minutes experimenting with that during each of my practices from now on.

My roommate has been staying out late. Right now it's almost 2AM and he's out with friends. Usually, when he returns he complains about how it's crunch time and demands that the light stay on for an extra hour while he does his work (for some reason he refuses to use a lamp). Oh well. He's a good roommate overall. I'll give him a 7 or 8. Very agreeable person as a whole.

"Try what you've discovered."

This semester: AO has given me tons of stress; School has given me tons of stress; and my job has given me tons of stress.

Somehow 6 weeks of hazing is meant to cause a person to be more loyal. AO sent me a text the other day saying "you need to [chore] because [accusation]". Accusation true or false, pledging is over and I don't take orders from him anymore; so I'll paint the stinkin' tables when I feel like it.

I found out that I might be able to pull a good grade in Circuits if I can "go overboard" studying for the final. It's so hard to find motivation for that class because I feel like I've already failed it, and something about failure is the worst thing I've ever felt.

This semester my boss has called me in about once every other week to hint to me that he's thinking about firing me. He's accused me of everything from talking to myself to wearing unfashionable pants... Really. The handbook for that job is out of date and falling apart. The computer program for DSRs is out of date -- I could at least update the building checklist given 20 mins with the source code. Not to mention the ridiculous email convo with my boss earlier, where he told me 30 days out isn't enough to ask for leave; and that I had to change nonrefundable tickets -- a price about equal to what I make in a semester at UPD. Thursday they tried to pass me a 4AM shift on 12 hours notice. And today the police officer on duty -- who, I understand, complained to chief about me skateboarding in the 6x5 cubicle that is our building (an impossible feat) -- watched youtube videos for the last 4 hours of his shift while I was on duty. His DSRs since OCT 16 all just say "conducted daily activities". He has no right to complain about the way I do my job, much less if he can't think of anything legitimate to complain about.

The point is that they have bigger fish to fry.


I've made the decision that I am not tolerating any more stress handed to me by AO or UPD.

"Soundtrack to a Chance Meeting"

The concert was great!!!!!! Kinda wished Chowon was there.

My sister, Jess, and I got in kinda quickly so we had great spots, except that I was surrounded by 4 couples. The first couple was awesome and made the concert a lot of fun by talking with us and singing along and stuff; the second couple was bearable, the next was making out, and the last was an older couple who were both baked out of their minds...

The fourth; the older couple kept doing things which annoyed the people around them, like the man would lean on everyone in a circle and hope to be pushed around. He was kinda in the wrong part of the crowd; nobody played along. In the third couple, which was making out, the girl passed out for a minute during intermission and was carried away by security while her bf followed worriedly. When she came-to, she said "I don't feel any different," and leaned on her bf mumbling something about how the concert was great. The second couple was just cuddling the whole time. And the first was, like I said, great; they only really held hands and danced and they talked with Jess and I and they seemed super cool about everything.

The music was great! Weird, high people aside -- great music, great atmosphere, great concert. At some points, the crowd singing was louder than the band, because we all knew the lyrics and loved the songs. The sound was thunderous and completely fun to be a part of. However, I observed that Jess hardly even bobbed her head. She didn't move much at all. I wonder what she was thinking about... I didn't bother to ask. Maybe she's reserved at social events, like me, but even moreso. It would make sense. She has a lot of Dad's personality.

Chowon and I are talking tonight!! :D

"I'm here to catch pot-heads."

Today I learned that, like any other business, LUPD must make money. Hence, just as "the natural fruit of a pear tree is pears" and "the natural fruit of an apple tree is apples," so the natural function of a guard is to produce money. In a sense, I have been called to be a salesman -- and my customers are the forgetful, the ignorant, and the ornery.

I guess I should tighten up a bit....

I feel like there's something within me that can be expressed, but only for moments at a time, and only by people more talented than me. I want the quick fury and thrashing momentum and fullness of sound and dramatic sights and the feeling of absence from self and constant change and confusion and fear or love -- such that longing is forgotten -- forever. I can't write this without being curious. Lately I can't think straight without a kind face in front of me, and that same kindness makes me uncomfortable enough to leave it. I want to ask someone "Is something wrong" and to meet "You're damn right there is. 20km from here the war machine encroaches, and the armies of God have already decided what to do about our confusion." I want to sit silently and measure over and over the distance between myself and the light.

I've decided that this odd manifestation of depression is a product of stress, and that it will fade when the pendulum stops at it's peak.

"I may have been born yesterday, sir, but I stayed up all night."

Father In Heaven... Father Of Heaven... Must I take the blame for being cast so far from you? My feet sink deeper into the soil, and though more close to my origins I always become... more afraid.

Every day is like being rushed. No matter how I spend my free time... whether I sit in my room and do push-ups and sit-ups... whether I listen to music... write in my blog... play video games... sleep... homework... I'm not at peace. My Bible studies are non-existent right now, and it kills me... almost literally.

so many dots............ I tried writing without stopping once and what came out was more like nonsense.

Pressing F12 makes me feel smart even though I've never learned a mainstream scripting language.

I feel like I can never get enough of what I'll probably never use. It just keeps coming... things I've wanted in the past.... I think that I have every earthly possession I want.

-car
-nice place to live
-awesome computer (not the best, but I never ever have to look at min-specs for programs)
-good food always
-cool knick-knacks
-all the money I need to survive plus some extra (spent continuously, negative thousands)
-all the music in the world (literally)
-all the video games in the world (literally)

I have all the love I can get.

-solid, functional family who cares about me
-many good friends who care about me
-wonderful girlfriend who cares about me

I have fellowship with believers regularly; I can whip out Bible verses so fast that it would bring tears to your eyes; I am physically in good (albeit not great) shape; and I am at least, by some, considered to be smarter than the average bear.

All these blessings and countless more. So many blessings that if I were, with perfect memory, to sit and list them then I would simply be unable to finish.

However... I am not fulfilled by any of this. The loudest voice in the back of my mind tells me frequently: "Yes, it is good to do Bible studies, but if you do not do well in school for lack of time -- which is the task which God has given you -- then you have done a greater disservice to yourself and to God."

For some reason I can't get past a mental block which tells me "it's all or nothing. Either devote yourself to the Bible and ignore school, or devote yourself to school and place the Bible aside."

Maybe I should start listening to Christian music... but then I will think myself to be "one of those" people, who wears "Jesus" on his hat and bracelet and t-shirt, just in case someone misses the hat and forgets that he's Christian -- or maybe it's to show that Christianity can also be fashionable (a concept which I am firmly opposed to). The person who listens to Christian music loudly in his headphones and thinks the same exact nonconforming thoughts which non-Christians think about, only with no cursing and Jesus's name somewhere in there so he doesn't feel guilty... Or maybe I'd turn to choir music, where the sound alone covers my head in wrinkles and gray hairs.

No... I can feel the word(s) "balance" hanging off the sides of my tongue, but I can't find a place inside school to put Bible study while still sanctioning time to relax.
What I need is an accountability person who reminds me daily at a set time to stop whatever I'm doing and sit and read the Bible and copy it. I'm so far behind anyway....

I haven't played piano in several weeks... I think I'll do some of that soon, too.

"rest your head"

So this weekend I went to help with prison ministries for Bill Glass. It was a rewarding experience. The prison I went to had a strong spiritual presence there before we arrived. A large number of the prisoners were already Christian, I assume because the ministry had been going on there for some time. Before we entered the prison Bill Glass spoke to the group and prepared us for battle, filling us with confidence, providing us with tools for ministry, and blessing us.

I met two prisoners who were not Christians. The first was Hindu, but was very well versed in both the old and new testaments. He encouraged me, saying that he thought we were brave to enter the prison, and that he believed that Christians are closest to Hindu in faith, so he supported the ministry and supported the prisoner Christians in their growth as Christians. The second was NeoNazi. He was very interesting to talk to. He claimed to be Christian, but did not know a thing about God. He seemed kind of uneasy with me there, and he kinda scared me by being so hardcore. He also became very uncomfortable when I asked him about his background and tattoos. I stopped asking, and instead told him to keep growing closer to God and let him go back to what he was doing.

Many of the other prisoners I met seemed almost to know more scripture than I know, so they taught me much more than I taught them. They were so full of practical wisdom. I wish I could have stayed and talked to them for much longer. One of the big things they taught me was that I should enter approach every new person with absolute respect -- with the attitude that I am their servant. I should serve everyone, so that instead of people having to earn my respect and love, they should have it always. Respect being something given to everyone, even people who don't deserve it -- just as love should also be. The thing that people will earn is my distrust, even being offered a generous measure of trust at our acquaintanceship.

While washing dishes today I decided that I am very susceptible to flattery... I think because people don't compliment each other very often around here, and there's so much double-talk in the dorms that I can't take a person's kindness at face-value.

Oh! Jimmy's online!

But anyway, yeah.. so flattery. I should watch out for it. People don't compliment each other often enough here, so I think I'm gonna say nice stuff more.

"Someday you will have to protect yourself."

I am met with the deepest and most wonderful surrelity. A non-reality so contrasted against reality as to be undeniable, yet incomprehensible. Something I can see, hear, and sometimes feel... but cannot reach. To hold such a beauty in my own two hands would be to hold the fruit of the spirit in it's pure essence. All the love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness and self-control; wrapped and intermingled with fear, because life has taught us that every good thing must be taken from us. Wonderful as it may be, I must be productive. To be with it is to be without it. If I were ever to indulge -- to reach out and grasp that fullness of joy -- it would altogether disappear.

Gasping for air, only a few short minutes of life each week. God is teaching me what life really feels like by testing my patience -- am I worthy of the gift which I'm asking for...

I can't stay mad at anyone. Sometimes I get really mad, but then they shoot a smile in my direction and a single kind word puts all my apprehension to rest.

Prison ministry begins tomorrow and ends Saturday morning. I don't have the money. My paycheck from last period never came in.

10$ in quarters will keep my clothes clean for the next 6 weeks.

"Do you know what it means?"