That console and consoling would give me energy. That I wouldn't feel distress. That I would have time for sleep. That Coffee would lift me and not let me crash. That I would have enough energy for tomorrow. That I can endure just for a short time. That the sound of our voices together would make us feel loved. That I can learn quickly. That I will never want to forget again. That the music in my head would never go away.

"Did you hear him laughing?"

Today I was walking home from EDM and I was thinking about the difference between our perceptions and reality. Here's an exercise in understanding what I mean: Next time you're outside, look at the trees and the grass and the sky and imagine that the sky is plain white (with no shading... like paper), and that everything green is red. For me it was a little bit difficult at first, but after a short time focusing I was able to recreate a world around me with vibrant and strange colors -- if only for a tiny instant. Now, as soon as you have successfully imagined it, consider the feeling. For me, I seemed almost to stop perceiving reality for just an instant, just long enough for me to see what I was imagining, but the whole time I knew that reality was there. Kindof like the way we forget that reality exists during a daydream or even more-so a dream -- except when you imagine something intentionally you never actually forget where you are.

So it's the difference between the feeling of seeing only what you see and seeing what you imagine. If you've felt the feeling I'm trying to portray, then you have seen the wall between reality and nonreality. To breach the wall would be to focus on your imagining until you believe it is real -- to forcefully reject your inclinations as they come to you. Is that the road to insanity? I've considered it before, as thinking experiment; like, imagining something absurd and telling yourself it's real, and not just trying to believe it but constructing a barrier to keep reality out. Would practicing intense imagination like that be a unhealthy? Would it be destructive? Or would it be an exercise in creativity and control of your own mind?

--Which is another topic. Nobody really controls what they think about, do they?.

Today in chapel I wasn't paying attention, but I was thinking about my past and my present and my future, and then suddenly the bass struck and the cymbals clashed and everyone seemed to start yelling "oh how he loves us" all at once. It was kindof like getting slapped in the face. I couldn't ignore the words anymore and sang along instead.

"You know, since you said you'd definitely be there..."

Last night I stayed up all night and today I woke up at 7:30 PM. I'm not super tired, but I know if I don't go to sleep now I'll be ruined on Monday. :/

When I woke up I had some pizza and trail mix, so that's all I had to eat today, but I'm not all that hungry. Right now the only thing really worrying me is whether or not I'll make it to church tomorrow (I'm not really feeling it) but we'll see. I do have some homework to do. Maybe I'll just wake up and call the pastor and his wife. They're good people. I really like them, and I like going to church there.

Talked to Chowon again today^^ My affection seems to only grow as time goes on. I'm looking forward to this winter. I wonder what God has in store for us.

I really need to remember to return this tupperware container to my pastor.....

She sent me some music of hers to listen to. It's pretty good^^ I heard one of the songs often when I was in Korea. I think that if I picked the right songs and sent them to her, she'd be really into dubstep. I'm gonna look for some good ones.

"That's why"

Today was busy busy busy. I got about 5 hours of sleep last night (1 hour at a time, with about 3 hour breaks in between), and I haven't done circuits. I wrote a whole research article about improving commercial touchless soap dispensers and then realized I'd done it wrong. I kinda half-assed the redo, but I'm thinking it'll be alright....

I talked to Chowon this morning and at first it was kinda serious, but then it lightened up^^* I'm really hopeful for this winter.

Tonight I got in trouble at AO for shaking hands the wrong way or something. I'm thinking that I can make any part of it fun if I can just have a good attitude about it.

Dear Lord, help me with all the things on my plate, that I won't procrastinate but that I will do all my work and that I'll do it well.

I'm getting used to the temp that my roommate likes for this room. He keeps things pretty cold.

"Tell me in Korean."

Chowon demands so much trust from me. It scares me sometimes. Dear God, bless me with wisdom and insight.

I had an AO meeting tonight, and I left early because I wanted to Skype Chowon (I told them I wanted to get some sleep before work at 4:00AM. It wasn't a lie. I'm going to sleep after this.). I wonder sometimes if I should stop refusing appointments and leaving meetings early for her... but I don't want to be late to our appointments, because those moments are precious to me.

...

I'm way behind in bible copying. Life has been so busy for me lately, and I try to spend my free time mindlessly...

...

I know what I'll do.



So my roommate and I are sharing one internet jack. My internet jack has gone out twice, and IT at our school has fixed it once, but now will not do it so readily. They have encountered numerous problems over the past two weeks. I wonder what their deal is.

At present, my network utilization is at 0% of 100mbps.. but typing here seems to occasionally bring it up to as much as 0.08% -- which is about 80kbps, right? I guess that's about right, assuming the text entry area is dynamically expanding and also saving drafts on intervals.

Well, I should really get to bed.

"But I'm not young enough to know everything."

It's 1:30 and I have to wake at 7:30, which means I get 6 hours of sleep^^

So I gave Chowon a link to the blog. I still kinda feel weird about it. I very intentionally don't know who knows about this (or I really try to ignore it when I do know).

Oh, she just texted me....

aww she's so sweet.



I just got to talk to Wouter for the first time in a long time. I know that everyone in our group of international students really grew to love that place. He seems to be doing well. I really hope the best for him.

My roommate is asleep, and I have to go to bed, too... my sleep cycles are insane insane insane right now. I really need to go to bed. I might skip church tomorrow, but I need to return this tupperware. I think I'll just stop by and say hi and sorry I can't stick around, and return the tupperware, and then come back and get ready for work. I work starting at noon tomorrow.

"A little leaven leavens the whole loaf."

Today I skipped Karate because I lost my backpack with my uniform in it last week and it has not yet been recovered. Hopefully I will find it before Thursday :(

Last night I talked to Chowon a little and she seemed very relaxed compared to normal. I love it when she tells me she loves me, but I have a feeling that my parents will disapprove of how quick we started saying that... but what is "love" anyway? I love pancakes, I love my brother, I love my mom, I love my roommate, I love Chowon. Aren't they all different? I love Chowon with a unique love which is probably more accurately described by "infatuation" at this point, but it is still love in a very real sense of the word. It will develop into something more and better as time goes on. I can either say, "what will we call the thing it becomes" (implying the negative side of saying the L word early) or I can say "our love is maturing" (implying that it will still be the same love, but in a different form). To not say I love her would be an exercise in restraint, but saying it is so immediately gratifying, and I exercise restraint all the time (a self defeating argument). I'll tell her I love her all I want, and mean it wholeheartedly.

That's probably going to be the presentation I give mom before Chowon gets to my house for Christmas, so she won't have to pull me aside and lecture me. But that's not to say it isn't honest. -- it is.

I ate at waffle house and met a very interesting man who claims to have at one point made 150k/yr scrapping appliances and selling them on Craigs list. Interesting, huh?

My roommate is trying to sleep now, and I should do the same.

Kinda gave up on circuits. I know how to do nodal analysis in a vague sense of the word "know", but I know that even the problems I can do easily will take an hour each, and will force me to do so much algebra by hand (cause we can't use a calculator) that I will get the wrong answer inevitably. If I use matrices, then it would save paper, but I really really hate matrices. Can't he just give us a quiz on matrices to prove we know how and then let us use our calculators? I'm convinced it would reduce my problem work time by at least 75%.

I'm thinking about telling Chowon about my blog..... She kinda hints at it as if she knows it exists but doesn't want to acknowledge it before I tell her, but I don't know how to present it and I don't want to know for sure whether or not she reads it.

I met a false prophet(ess) for the first time on Sunday and it made me realize how I need to be helping this church. God put me there for a reason, so readers pray for me to do what is right, and to act wisely. Right now, I think the only thing I can do is develop a relationship with the people there so that they will listen to me. It's too early now, but I know God will equip me when the time comes. It's difficult, and it may be harsh of me to pin the name "false prophet" on someone, but she fortune told to this one girl, and told her she would soon get a boyfriend or something --basically told her that she didn't have one. I don't know the exact words--, and when the girl said "I'm in a relationship" she backed up, shocked or with damaged pride, and said "Well, maybe he's not the right one. In fact, I think he's not and you'll probably break up with him soon." Well, the girl has already had two kids and no husband. She stayed for the whole service and left, obviously pretty flustered or angered by the experience. The point is the "prophetess" made a false assumption in God's name, which used to get people put to death. But then the pastor and his wife still took everything the prophetess said seriously, and even asked her to prophesy over me. The woman told me to stick by the head of the church and told the pastor that I was trustworthy. The "prophetess" was a guest speaker.

Ah well, I should go to bed.

"I feel like crap. No, I feel like the crap that crap produces." ~my roommate XP lol

About to go to bed. Night!!

I've been getting into Bon Iver lately^^ I'll post a favorite song when I think of one.

Chowon told me today she is "thinking seriously about the future". I wonder what she means. I know she has something on her mind, because she is slowing conversation more than normal, and I'm not used to picking it up when she's quiet. I know it's silly, but after the thing with Lani I become really worried every time Chowon expresses that something is wrong.. and ever time she hesitates it suddenly becomes a little harder to breathe. I keep reminding myself, "Zac, she isn't Lani. Chwon actually deserves the respect you want to give her. She did not lie to you in Korea, why would she lie now? She loves Jesus so much; even if you cannot trust a new person, you can trust God who is within her." And I do trust her. I trust her as well as I can trust new people right now. I think it will be much easier after some time together in person.

She says she might come for Christmas. I think about her all the time. The other day she said she wonders if I like her as much as she likes me... I wonder... I'm glad she said that though, because it means that I don't have to worry the same way.

Gana should be buying me some flowers for Chowon soon. I hope that goes well and happens soon.

My roommate is here talking about the sucknado on his computer, "internet". He's downloading some Steam stuff, and it's dragging him down pretty hardcore. It was much worse in the past.

"Buying your body from your heart, selling it to your spirit. Whose spirit is it, really?"

PWND!

Two blogs today to make up for the 3 blogs last month.

I find myself thinking more than ever about Chowon, and even infatuation is a learning experience, because I've wondered in the past how much a person could actually think enamoredly about someone else before they ran out of things to wonder or had accepted the things they did not know or could not grasp. However, I don't think about anything specific and solvable, but take joy in imagining the curve of her smile or sound of her voice or her affection for God and for me or God's blessings for us.

It's like, when you're bored you might daydream, and it is desensitizing to know that you could be doing something better. Thereby I am bored with variations in normalcy, and find that just listening to her talk about her day is one of my greatest sources of pleasure.

And that's all I've got for tonight. I just wanted to get that out :) God has blessed me immensely this summer, and I'm praying for all my friends, that he will bless them and let me share my overflow with them as well.

"I threw a stone at the reflection of my image in the water and it altogether disappeared. I burst; it shattered me like a bullet through a bottle... And I'm expected to believe that any of this is real."

Last night a church caught on fire a few blocks away, and whenever we talk about it or see the smoke, the air around us becomes thick and awkward, like we know we should act and feel reverent but we are unaccustomed to the touch of it. Some people know that they should feel reverent and know, in an exaggerated sense, what reverence and honor looks like, so they act it out. Some of them are completely honest with themselves. I wonder what am I? I don't know what reverence and honor look like in this situation, but I definitely feel disheartened by the loss of that church, except that God allowed it for a reason.

I've been going to a church lately where I am one of just a few members, and the only people who seem to come every Sunday are the pastor and his wife. They say sometimes they preach to just angels and each other, and then sometimes they teach only me. Their lessons are rock solid so far (give or take matters of opinion which I hold to be irrelevant even to interpretation of scripture, such as upholding traditions like teaching each new member their mission statement or stuff like that.

My hand aches with certain motions of my thumb. I hope it isn't permanent. I'm getting so old.

I used to swim a lot. I should start again.

The question has been on my mind lately what God does when we (Christians) sin. Does he forgive us immediately and then move on and forget it? Does he remember it to remind you of it on the day of judgement (even though you will not be eternally damned)? Does he slap his forehead and say "don't do that again"? Does he punish us on earth using odd circumstances?

Somedays I wonder if I should delete all of Lani's contact information or not. I said I would, but when we were going to meet she asked me politely to reconsider. Part of me hopes I am never put in close enough proximity to have to pursue a real friendship with her. Then another part of me knows that if she tried hard, I would give in and forget... but that she won't do that. And another part of me would help her with any problem she came to me for help with, whether I had deleted her or not. I can't seem to separate the feelings hurt and malice. And even moreso I cannot feel good about it, even though I have forgiven her over and over. I think that if I consider the feelings closely and separate them in my mind and my emotions, it will enable me to...to....idk..., but the practice will also help me to forgive in the future.

"My face has changed, but you know it's me. You know by the stillness in my eyes. Come and whisper in my ear, 'My dear, it'll be alright.' You're lying! But I don't mind tonight."